7/7/15 (Tues) - Being brutally honest with myself

This post is really hard to write.  It is just so much easier to not think about it..not look at it...to look away from the problem...to say I will do better next time.  Here is what happened..

I can lie all I want and say that I only drink on the weekends. For the most part that really is true except in the summer.  I am a teacher and I am really good at not drinking anything during the week when I am working.  Teaching is not a desk job and managing (let alone teaching) 30 6th graders is excruciatingly difficult with a hangover.

Summers are different.  So what if I want a glass of wine while making dinner?  I am off tomorrow. The ONLY problem is that it never stays at one glass of wine.

SO here are my totals the best I can remember them for the past couple of weeks.  I am doing this for me to keep myself honest.

6/14 - 1
6/15 - 2
Vacation - always an excuse to drink every day.  I did pretty good keeping is moderate but still drank every day.
6/16 - 3
6/17 - 3
6/18 - 4
6/19 - 3
6/20 - 3
6/21 - 2
6/22 - 3
Back from vacation
6/23 - 0
6/24 - 0
6/25 - 3
6/26 - 2
6/27 - 4
6/28 - 3
6/29 - 0
6/30 - 0
7/1 - 2
7/2 - 3
Went to the mountains
7/3 - 6
7/4 - 8
7/5 - 0 (Hangover)
Back from the mountains
7/6 - 5

That is 60 drinks in 23 days.  That is not OK!  That is not being moderate, getting better, being under control.

Her is the scariest part of all...yesterday I did not feel well at all because of all the hyper drinking over the weekend.  Not only did I drink a lot, but I get really hyper and loud.  I think I just get exhausted after expending all that energy.  I spent much of the day yesterday sitting on my butt researching kidney pain.  I had the worst pain under my lower right ribs in my back.  I couldn't figure out if it was a muscle, my kidney or my liver.  I'm so paranoid about what alcohol is doing to my body (my organs, my weight, my brain, my hot flashes, lack of sleep) and to my mindset (my depression, anxiety, lack of motivation) that I just feel done with all of it.

Well, 5:00 rolls around and I know there is a half a bottle of wine still in the fridge from the trip.  I am terrible with half finished bottles of wine.  My addicted brain just says, "Just get rid of it so you don't have to think about it - as in drink it - not dump it."

So I wait for my dh to go upstairs to change his work clothes and fill up my wine glass with the half bottle of wine and quickly get rid of the bottle.  I hear him coming so I seriously chug half the glass, think to myself, "What are you doing?" and dump the other half down the sink.  Well, once I have that alcohol in my system, I have a very hard time saying no to myself.  I proceed to sneak to the garage and pour a Bud Light Razzberita into a glass.  It looks like juice and has a very high alcohol and sugar content.  He won't notice and I will get a lot of bang for my buck (that is a scary realization - that I now choose IPA beers or anything that has a higher alcohol content so I can get buzzed more quickly without people noticing how much I am drinking).  I seriously considered pouring some vodka into my seltzer water, but that would be ridiculous..that would mean I really have a problem - haha.

This is the scariest part - I do this 3 more times.  I have some kind of frantic, can't get enough, feeling.  Just one more....ok we have to sneak to the garage, pretend I am taking some recycling out, open it there so no one hears the can open, pour it in real quick, put the can in recycling, get back in the house and put my drink right next to the real juice I am drinking and no one is the wiser.

Why did I say "We have to go to the garage" ? It's almost like my addiction is a separate entity that is speaking to me.  Like a child trying to convince me to give in.  Weird?

What am I doing?  Why and I acting like this?  I was scared and felt crappy all day?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I control this?