Monday, July 20, 2015

7/20/17 (Mon) Fresh Start with moderation (for the hundredth time) - AKA still not giving up

I drank 10 days in a row ending in a nasty hangover Sunday - yet another wasted day after an evening of being wasted.  I even got in an argument with one of my best friends at someone else's house - it was like a scene out of the Real Housewives! Ridiculous! That is not me!

I am so sick of wasting my life, of giving it to this addiction, this drug, this chemical.  I am exhausted from the fight! I feel like it is winning, like it always was winning, like when I thought I was doing well, it was all just lies, a false sense of security regarding my handle on the problem that led me right back to where I was yesterday - day after day - month after month - year after year - decade after decade.....

It is going to sound so redundant and ridiculous and stupid...but I am going to try again...

Here is my G#@  D$%&* commitment to myself one more time.  I don't know if I even have the confidence in myself  to even get through one day anymore....but I am not going to give up myself, my life, my happiness...

1.  Physical exercise everyday (walk, ride my bike, yoga or workout) - EVERYDAY!  I feel so down on myself when I don't work out. I have gained 25 pound and I feel terrible about myself.
2.  Write on my blog - EVERYDAY!  I know that when I stop paying attention to my commitments, I stop keeping them.  This will help me be accountable to myself.
3.  Get at least 7 hours of sleep - EVERYDAY!  I know that when I get tired, I lose all motivation to keep my other commitments.  No more endless hours of watching tv into the night.
4.  Eat a healthy diet - EVERYDAY!  It doesn't have to be perfect, but if I fuel my body with healthy food, my mind with stay  more committed.
5.  Drink one gallon of water - EVERYDAY!  Dehydration is my enemy that sucks the life out of me.
6.'s the tricky one....totally honest...I'm not ready to give it up completely.

I know it sounds so stupid especially because if I screw up on #6, then #1-#5 are screwed up.  I cannot make my 1-5 goals unless my 6 goal is under control.  I will have very specific rules around #6 that HAVE to be followed.  There is some room for cheating in 1-5 but not 6.  Cheating with #6 is like dancing with the devil and it will lead to the downfall of all my other goals.  I am going to try this naltrexone.  Honestly, I am hopping it is some miracle pill that will allow me to have a glass of wine or beer in a social setting, allow me to moderate and find my stop button and eventually make it so drinking just isn't really that improtant to me anymore.  I know - it sounds ridiculous, but I want to give it a try.  I've tried everything else and am pretty good at recognizing when something isn't working.  So here are my drinking rules:

6a. NEVER drink Monday-Thurday...EVER!
6b. Do not drink 3 days in a row.  If I drink on Friday and Saturday, then none on Sunday.
6c. Do not drink before 5:00 pm and finish drinking at 10:00 pm.
6d. Drink a glass of water in between each drink to keep my BAC down.
6e. Try to keep drinks at 2-3 but no more than 4 drinks in those 5 hours.
6f. Always take the naltrexone 1 hour before drinking.

At least I'm not giving up....

1 comment:

  1. Honestly
    I think you should forget all the rules and just follow one.
    Do not drink today.
    Start each day that way.
    Forget diet, exercise, healthy food, etc.

    Those things come later. There is no pony exercising and eating organic food if you chase it with poison every day or weekend.

    I know how you feel. I have almost exactly the same lists that I made myself. For years.

    In the end, the alcohol must go. There is just no other way to get the compulsive, destructive addictive beg
    Have our to stop.