Monday, July 20, 2015
Fresh Start (for the hundredth time) - AKA still not giving up
I drank 10 days in a row ending in a nasty hangover Sunday - yet another wasted day after an evening of being wasted. I even got in an argument with one of my best friends at someone else's house - it was like a scene out of the Real Housewives! Ridiculous! That is not me!
I am so sick of wasting my life, of giving it to this addiction, this drug, this chemical. I am exhausted from the fight! I feel like it is winning, like it always was winning, like when I thought I was doing well, it was all just lies, a false sense of security regarding my handle on the problem that led me right back to where I was yesterday - day after day - month after month - year after year - decade after decade.....
It is going to sound so redundant and ridiculous and stupid...but I am going to try again...
Here is my G#@ D$%&* commitment to myself one more time. I don't know if I even have the confidence in myself to even get through one day anymore....but I am not going to give up myself, my life, my happiness...
1. Physical exercise everyday (walk, ride my bike, yoga or workout) - EVERYDAY! I feel so down on myself when I don't work out. I have gained 25 pound and I feel terrible about myself.
2. Write on my blog - EVERYDAY! I know that when I stop paying attention to my commitments, I stop keeping them. This will help me be accountable to myself.
3. Get at least 7 hours of sleep - EVERYDAY! I know that when I get tired, I lose all motivation to keep my other commitments. No more endless hours of watching tv into the night.
4. Eat a healthy diet - EVERYDAY! It doesn't have to be perfect, but if I fuel my body with healthy food, my mind with stay more committed.
5. Drink one gallon of water - EVERYDAY! Dehydration is my enemy that sucks the life out of me.
6. Alcohol...here's the tricky one....totally honest...I'm not ready to give it up completely.
I know it sounds so stupid especially because if I screw up on #6, then #1-#5 are screwed up. I cannot make my 1-5 goals unless my 6 goal is under control. I will have very specific rules around #6 that HAVE to be followed. There is some room for cheating in 1-5 but not 6. Cheating with #6 is like dancing with the devil and it will lead to the downfall of all my other goals. I am going to try this naltrexone. Honestly, I am hopping it is some miracle pill that will allow me to have a glass of wine or beer in a social setting, allow me to moderate and find my stop button and eventually make it so drinking just isn't really that improtant to me anymore. I know - it sounds ridiculous, but I want to give it a try. I've tried everything else and am pretty good at recognizing when something isn't working. So here are my drinking rules:
6a. NEVER drink Monday-Thurday...EVER!
6b. Do not drink 3 days in a row. If I drink on Friday and Saturday, then none on Sunday.
6c. Do not drink before 5:00 pm and finish drinking at 10:00 pm.
6d. Drink a glass of water in between each drink to keep my BAC down.
6e. Try to keep drinks at 2-3 but no more than 4 drinks in those 5 hours.
6f. Always take the naltrexone 1 hour before drinking.
At least I'm not giving up....