6/9/16 (Thurs) 100% Commitment

I wanted to make note to myself for future reference some of the lines that spoke to me from the book.

I feel that the authors went inside my head and pulled out my thoughts.  The bold statements are new ways of thinking for me.  The rest I have thought and probably even written about in the past.  It is weird to see all of my thoughts written down by someone else.

"Often the time you spend thinking about drinking, planning the next drinking event, doing the actual drinking, and then recovering from your drinking, adds up to far more than an hour per day."

"You destiny if often the consequences of your daily decisions."

"When you fully commit to thriving in sobriety, the answers you seek come a lot more quickly."

"The truth is that you, and only you, are responsible for the quality of your life."

"The external conditions and circumstances are not stopping you - you are stopping yourself."

"You need to stop responding to events by drinking, whether it is drinking to celebrate, drinking to forget,  or drinking to socialize, and respond with thoughts and actions that are aligned with your values goals and purpose."

"You have to acknowledge the truth - that you are the one that thought the thoughts, created the feelings, made the choices, and took actions that got you to where you are now."

"Every circumstance you complain about is something you can change but have chosen not to."

"Why haven't you changed yet? Is it because it involves risks? The risk of being bored, not being liked, being ridiculed and judged by normal drinkers?"  You also run the risk of failure and disappointing yourself.

"You avoid taking risks and stay put and complain about your situation."

"Once you are 100% committed, there are no exceptions and no negotiations" which frees you from inner conflict and allows you to put all of you energy and direct it to what you actually want out of life. "Once your commitment drops to 99%, you open the door to the internal debate to begin, and when it comes to alcohol, this debate usually ends in the rationalization to drink again."

"You can decide that you have suffered all the negative consequences you are eve going to suffer from drinking and that today you have hit your rock bottom."

These last two are big for me - I am always telling myself that I am not that bad, that really bad things haven't happened yet.  This is so stupid but sometimes I wish I would have
a seizure from withdraws, or be diagnosed with some illness so that I would have to stop and have a concrete reason to tell other people so that they didn't look at me differently - so that I wouldn't have an more excuses to continue to drink. I need to be 100% committed to at least these 30 days to I can focus on what I really want out of life and thrive in sobriety rather than feeling like I 'm missing something. I need to give my brain a break from the mental obsession of whether I am going to drink or not.

6/8/16 (Wed) The 30 Day Solution - Changing My Response

So I am beginning the book I bought called - The 30 Day Solution.  I like that it clearly spells out steps to think about and do for 30 days along with a companion website full of checklists, resources and recordings.

Day 1 of the program talks about starting a journal to record all of the action steps - check - I'll just do it here for my own future reference.

The next thing is to take a before picture - not going to show that today haha and schedule a dr appt with blood work - check


Next - think about E + R = O (event + response = outcome)
It is described as "paying attention to moments when you are complaining about or blaming an event rather than focusing on creating a new response that can change the outcome."
I suppose people can interpret this differently.  For me it applies to avoiding social situations when not drinking.
In the past while drinking
E (social event) + R (pre-drinking/over-drinking) = O (hangover, regret, insomnia, depression, anxiety)
In the past while not drinking
E (social event) + R (not attending/hosting) = O (isolation, loneliness, depression)
What I would like for the future
E (social event) + R (attending and not drinking) = O (being able to socialize sober without embarrassing myself and wake up without a hangover feeling proud, happy, at peace)

I need to change my response.  Instead of just staying home and complaining about not being able to drink and therefore not wanting to go, I need to go, stay sober, have a good time and learn that I don't need alcohol to socialize and have fun. If I don't ever change my response, I am never going to learn anything differently and then change my outcome.  That is something new to think about.

Lastly - listen to the Time Travel Technique - guided meditation
OMG!!!I am not that easily influenced by stuff like this but I found myself going through a range of intense emotions and physical responses.  When I put myself in the timeline 1, 5 and 10 years in the future while continuing to drink I seriously started crying. I felt stuck, sad, lonely, exhausted and confused.  When I then put myself in the future by 1, 5 and 10 years of sobriety I seriously sat up straight, uncrossed my legs, felt myself open up to the possibility and actually started smiling.  This was an incredible exercise that I will definitely listen to every time I question my desire to quit drinking!  Amazing!

PS - This is not an advertisement for the book lol!  I just use my blog to record my thoughts about my journey. But - so far so good :)

6/8/16 (Wed) I need to CHOOSE differently

I like this quote because even though I have acknowledged my pattern for almost 10 years now, especially for the last 5 years - I CHOOSE to ignore it and the consequences it brings because I am addicted to my weekend drinking and don't want to give it up.

How can you fully acknowledge destructive behavior and be unable to choose to change it.  I know I can change it, but can I choose to change it?

6/8/16 (Wed) Day 3 - Miserable

I CAN NOT SLEEP!!!  Insomnia is killing me!

3 weeks ago - drank Fri, Sat, Sun evenings and felt crappy Mon, Tues, Wednesday
2 weeks ago - drank Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun evenings and felt crappy Mon, Tues, Wed
last week  - drank Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun evenings  and felt crappy Mon, Tues and today

This has been my pattern for as long as I can remember.  Not every week but probably 2 of the 4 weeks a month.  By Thursday I finally feel better and then guess what I start thinking about....drinking!!!  It is just such a stupid, exhausting way to live life and I am tired of it.

This time is particularly bad (it seems to get worse every time). It is Wed and I haven't drank since Sunday but I am dizzy, achy, tingly, sweaty, grumpy, sleepy, exhausted and depressed. And I know, without a doubt, tomorrow or Friday I will feel better and want to drink.

NO...I'm changing that thinking.  I don't want to drink anymore. I am tired of feeling this way.  I want to feel good next week, be able to sleep, workout and get things done.  I want to be proud of myself. I want to be more productive, peaceful, happy and content.  I am NEVER going to feel this if I continue the same path I have been on for 30 years.  Time to stop kidding myself and get real!

6/7/16 (Tues) Day 2 - a different way to spend my summer - 30 Days

So I woke up today with a new sense of determination.  Yesterday I told my sister, friend, son and husband that I wasn't drinking for the next thirty days.  Here were their responses:

friend  - that's great, maybe I will do it with you but I'm going through a lot right now
son - again? (not quite sure how to take that)
husband - ok (he really doesn't care it I drink or not)
sister - really? you don't think you can just have 2?  Ok if that's what you need to do

It's scary to put it out there.  It is so much easier to not tell anyone - that way I don't risk looking like a failure when I do drink and feel everyone's secret eye rolls

I REALLY want this summer to be different.  It has already started out the same.  The last 2 weekends I have drank way too much, spend Mon-Thurs recovering and then drink again Fri-Sun.  I get nothing done and feel like crap all the time. They only time I feel joy is when the weekend is coming up and I can drink - what a pathetic way to live.

I found a book called - The 30 Day Solution -  http://www.the30daysolution.com/
I think I have a bit of ADD and have a hard time even getting through the free sample without getting bored and quitting.  I actually got through the sample and was inspired to try it. It really spoke to me - it talked a lot about how boring everyone thinks life will be without alcohol. It spoke to my biggest fear.  It has specific things you do for 30 days to change your mindset around alcohol.  I'm gonna try it and do the exercises here on my blog so I have a record to later refer to.

Has anyone read this book? I'd love to know what you think?

I am really going to work on this for the next 30 days.  I am going to make a to do list every day.
#1 every day will be "stay sober"   (I'm not going to say "don't drink" because that sounds negative)
#2 every day will be "do the exercises in the book"
#3 every day will be "walk my dogs" because I NEED to get outside and get some sunshine
the rest of the list will be stuff like - laundry, clean, mow, grocery shop, stain the deck, clean the hot tub, etc.

I'm giving myself permission to not care about the rest of it if I get #1-#3 done.  These items are my priority - even if it means I take naps and sleep until 8:30 and watch stupid daytime television.  I feel that if I focus on 1-3 the rest will fall into place.  We will see....

6/6/16 (Mon) I am failing!

6/6/16 at 2:22 am

I wake up after being in bed for 4 hours (as usual). My stomach is killing me, my heart is pounding, I am sweating profusely and all of my drinking regrets come flooding into my brain.

"How much did you drink the last 4 nights? the last 3 weeks?"
SERIOUSLY!!! Thurs - 2, Fri - 6, Sat - 3, Sun  - 7 = 18 drinks in 4 days = 57 drinks in the last 23 days!!!!!

"How did you feel last Monday?"
TERRIBLE!!!Terrible hangover from the weekend - took 3 days to recover.
Finally felt better on Thursday - so what did I do?  DRINK!!!! WHY????

"Why are you sneaking? hiding? lying? not counting? not taking your naltrexone?"
I DON'T KNOW!!!

"Why aren't you stopping at 2 or 3 drinks?"
I DON'T KNOW!!! I just start drinking and can't stop. I keep drinking more and more and more like I can't get enough in my body before I have to stop and go to bed.

"Why are you ruining your health? your mental well being? your relationships (especially with yourself)? your self worth? your goals? your mental stability?"
I DON'T KNOW!!! My desire to drink is just so strong that I can't seem to tell it no when I want to start and I can;t tell it to stop once I have started

"Why can't you just admit your are developing a serious drinking problem that has been getting worse and worse for the last 30 years and enough is enough?"
I DON'T KNOW!!!! I am just terrified to stop forever and I don't know why. Actually I do know why...I am so afraid that life is going to suck without it - that I won't have any fun - that I won't have any friends - that I won't enjoy anything - that I will be different and weird - that I will never be able to visit a brewery and try a new IPA - that vacations will suck without it - that I can never have another glass of wine with dinner - that I can never have a drink on the deck in the sunshine and just relax - basically I am terrified that my life will suck without alcohol. I want so desperately to be able to control it....

I decide at 4:34 am on 6/6/16 that I am not drinking for at least 30 days.

Then at 8:30 am, after 4 more hours of sleep, I get up and doubt that decision - hold on? are you sure you want to make such a grand statement? you know it will suck.. you know it will ruin your summer.. you know you have parties to attend.. you know you haven't had a sober June in 30 years except the 2 times you were pregnant..you know you should just wait until August..you stayed sober from August to April once...you know May June and July are the hardest for you..you know this is unrealistic... you know you can't do it.. you know you will fail.

Many sober "cyber" friends tell me how great it is but I just can't see it for myself.  I believe their life is  a lot better but I just can't "see" that being the case for me.

I am going to be miserable if I drink and I am going to be miserable if I don't drink....I just don't know which miserable to choose...

6/5/16 (Sun) over and over and over

So I do believe the universe talks to me all the time...I just need to be listening.  Today in my inbox, I got a response on my blog from a "Jr Williams" saying he/she? enjoyed reading it.  When I went in to comment back, I noticed it was from November 22, 2015.  I read the post from a little over six months ago and in it I talked about how much better I was doing on the naltrexone and how I hadn't had wine for over a month.  I wrote about exactly the same things I wrote about a week ago - about how hyper drunk I get and that the naltrexone takes that away which causes me to drink less.  So back on board with that plan of action. I do know, somewhere in my heart, that I will eventually just give up all of this obsession and just stop drinking all together, but I'm not quite there yet.

Another interesting thing I noticed is how often I repeat myself and don't even remember. I have been on the same hamster wheel ( and written about it) for over 10 years!

I keep this blog for two reasons. One - it is therapeutic for me to write. Somehow if I get it "on paper" a little bit of it leaves my head space.  Second - it is a good record of my progress and lack thereof.  I often go back and read where I have been and unfortunately it quite possible tells where I am going - absolutely no place different tha where I have been. I have been writing in this blog for 5 years now and it has always been about my struggle with alcohol.  I found an old journal the other day and was reading it. It was from 10 years ago and guess what it was about? My struggle with alcohol.

Think about how much energy, time and brain space I could give to something else if I just "sold" all of the mental real estate occupied by my obsession with alcohol.  Maybe I need to find some kind of distraction that keeps my brain distracted.  I have been thinking about opening a non profit to benefit kids (but don;t even know where to start) or maybe write a book...hahah! There are millions alcohol books out there.....basically all the same...I don't think my story would be unique or different in any way.