12/26/20 Past, Present and Future

 

I saw this quote this morning and it really spoke to me.  I AM SO BAD IN THIS AREA. I am getting better at not replaying scenarios from the past. Quitting drinking has really helped with this. Being sober has helped my anxiety immensely in this area. I still get sad about things, like selling my home of 23 years but I try to put it into perspective and know that I spent a great deal of energy and time last summer making sure it is what was best in the long run. I made the decision from a rational mind, did it, and need to move on.  It is also helpful that I don't regret my behavior anymore. Being sober has allowed me to be 100% present in the moment and in control of the things I say and how I act. Plus I am way less sensitive which helps.

The part that is still hard for me is not having to control the future. In my perfect world, my daughter and son both start families and live close to us. My immediate family has always been super close. I LOVE having my kids around and am heartbroken that my daughter currently lives in Alaska. My son is getting close to graduating college and I am not sure where he will end up. I so badly want us to live close to each other. I am trying so hard to make this happen....even to the point of selling my house so we can move closer to Alaska so that maybe my daughter would move and her husband would be closer to his family. This is what she wants but it isn't just up to her. My son also likes the Pacific Northwest so that is another plus to moving in that area but who knows where he will end up.  All of this gives me a lot of anxiety. I can no longer control where my kids live and how much time we spend together. As much as I try...it is not in my control...which drives me crazy.

We are in Alaska right now visiting my daughter. I need to remain in the present moment. Enjoy this time with her. Not worry about if they are moving. Not trying to figure out where they would move to if they did move. My worrying about it does cause stress between her and her husband bc it is a touchy subject for them. I know she has to live her life and make her own decisions. With everyone else in my life, I am getting better about this. Just be the best person I can be in the moment and not worry about anyone else's opinions or decisions. I just can't seem to get there with my kids. I am so scared it won't turn out the way I want it to.

I need to just believe things will work out the way they are supposed to and just enjoy today. Maybe this will be by New Year's Resolution....to stop worrying and trying to control the future....to enjoy the present moment and just believe everything will work out the way it should.

12/20/20 - A lot has changed

 

Who so much has changed since last summer.....where do I begin.

Family - this area is better. Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while know that there has been a lot of drama between me, my sisters, and our mother over the years. This area, for me, is better. I am getting along fine with my mom and my sister that didn't talk to me for years. The sister that has recently gotten mad at me has apparently forgiven me for reaching out to the other sister and is talking to me again. My two sisters are not talking to each other and one of my sister's relationship with our mom is strained, but I am on good terms with all of them.  I am learning, finally, that all I can do is focus on my relationships...to try to be the best daughter and sister that I can be but not worry so much about what others think of me. As long as I am kind and considerate with everyone and try not to make my own judgments about others I am much happier. I am really working on not worrying about what they think about me. If they have a problem with me...they can either talk to me directly about it or it is their problem. As long as I am proud of my words and my behavior, I just can't worry about it. This is a huge step for me. I have spent my life obsessed with what other people think of me and experienced so much anxiety if everyone doesn't think I am a good person. I am trying to listen more...talk less...seek understanding more...defend myself less....be empathetic towards others more...get people to feel sympathy toward me less...it all comes down to patience both with myself and others.  It's not easy and I am not always successful but I am trying. It is about what makes me happy and peaceful inside not about what others think of me.  My kids and husband have noticed a huge change in me and have told me...which makes me so happy because no matter what I say....I care intensely what my daughter, son, and husband think of me. If they think I am a kind person....that is all I need. that won't ever change.

House sale - Since last summer so much has happened that has made us decide to sell our home of 23 years.  It is so hard and I am struggling with the loss of the home I loved so much as it is where I raised my children...so many memories.  First, my stepfather passed away in March. My mom was living in this 5,000 sq foot house by herself and having some issues with her eyes and vertigo. She had fallen at her house. I was pretty worried about her living by herself.  She couldn't move in with us because we have stairs.  Second, we talked to our financial advisor about when we could retire. Because we had refinanced our house so many times to finish a basement, put on a deck, remodel the kitchen, pay for college, etc. we still owed like $300,000 on the house. I am a teacher of 30 years and we had been fully funding our IRA for 20 years. He said we are right on track.....to retire at 65. That is still 12 years for me and 8 for my husband. That was super hard to hear. I always thought we could retire when I was 55 and he was 60. If we didn't have a mortgage, we could retire but how to come up with $300,000??  Third, I miss my daughter an insane amount. She lives in Juneau with her husband and I don't ever see them moving to Colorado....maybe to a smaller town in the Pacific Northwest but not the overpopulated, expensive, far from his family, Denver area. Our house was also not great for them to visit...especially when they start a family.  Lastly, my husband has wanted to move for a while. He has always dreamed of having a few acres and a nice big garage that is all his. Sooo....after a couple of months of pro/con lists, thinking, worrying, processing, talking to anyone that would listen, going back and forth....we decided to sell our beloved home. It turned out great financially...we got $100,000 over asking!!! We had a newly remodeled home in a desirable area with great schools and sold it during a housing shortage. We had 75 showings and 18 offers in 2 days....it was crazy. And.....moved in with my mom. I just made the most sense. She has a huge ranch with a walkout basement. We moved on November 30.

I am not going to lie...it has been difficult. On the one hand, I, and my kids, are heartbroken at the loss of our home. I loved my house. It was so bright and sunny, newly remodeled, had a south-facing backyard with a covered patio and waterfall. I could sit out there in the sun at any time of the year. We built that house and were the only owners. Every memory in that house we made, every plant - we planted, it had been my life for 23 years. My son is 22 and my daughter 26 so there are a lot of memroies. It has been difficult moving in with my mom at 52 years old. We have done our best to carve out a place of our own but it still her house...her things....her thermostat. Plus, my patience is really being put to the test while living with your mother again. Nothing against her...just not always super easy. Honestly, I am mostly struggling with how dark her house is. I definitely need natural light for my emotional well being. And...it is temporary. My son graduates from a prestigious engineering school here close to us with 3 degrees (so he will be self-sufficient) in two years. That is when we will move.

On top of all that....COVID! Enough said about that!!!

The positive - we have zero debt! We have $350,000 in cash for a down payment on a new house. We will save a bunch of money over the next two years. The plan is to pay cash for a new house so no mortgage. We can retire in 3 years just as we planned. My mom will sell her house and move with us. I feel great about being there for her...being the daughter she was to her mother. Hopefully, my daughter will eventually move closer and my husband may get his dream of land and a garage/shop. My son likes the PNW so hopefully, we will all be close to each other. We will build this new life I have in my mind. 

And for the best news....after all of that....I am still sober! 2 1/2 years sober! I am so much better equipped to deal with all of these changes and stress now that I am sober. I would not have had the energy or mental capacity to make these changes if I was still caught up in my own self-imposed, selfish, obsessive, destructive, all-consuming, downward spiral of addiction.