6 hours of exhilaration or 60 hours of devastation?
I am rereading the Alan Carr book The Easyway to Quit Drinking. He says that there is a misconception that alcohol gives you exhilaration when in fact it only gives you devastation.
Last Saturday, my (drinking) friend came over. We hadn't seen each other for awhile and were excited to catch up. We both wanted to make it an early evening. She brought a bottle of wine and I had already opened one before she got to my house. We talked and drank and talked and drank for about 5 hours. She was getting ready to go home with half her bottle still left. I had finished mine and asked her if I could have one glass from her bottle before she went home.
I don't know why I kept drinking my bottle until it was gone and then still wanted more. When we went out to sit in the hot tub, she didn't want to bring her bottle and I got a little nervous that I would run out and have to get out and get more. When she left I was just not liking the fact that I was out, even though it was late and I had already had plenty. I sat on the couch finishing my glass watching stupid television for another hour. Then I sat there until 2 am because I couldn't get myself up to get to bed.
That took about 6 hours. Yeah, I guess for the first hour or two it was nice catching up, then it became (for me) more about keeping her over so I could continue to drink. She was my excuse. After the first couple of hours though, I could have/should have been done.
Well that one bottle + one glass caused me, and I am not joking, 60 hours of devastation. I went to bed at 2:00 am and woke up at 6:00 with that anxious, heart beating out of my chest feeling. As badly as I wanted to go back to sleep, I knew it wasn't going to happen.
I felt like hell Sunday, exhausted, just dragging myself through the day, getting done the bare minimum, counting the hours before I could go to bed. Sunday night, after waiting all day to go to bed, I couldn't sleep. Maybe got another 4 hours. Monday went to work - had anxious feelings all day, couldn't focus or concentrate on anything, counting the hours before I could go home and go to bed. Get home, lay down and of course, can't sleep. Stay home from work on Tuesday, still really unfocused, anxious, can't concentrate, exhausted - sort of a - have to sleep but can't feeling. Finally around lunch time (60 hours later) the fog finally started to lift and I finally got some sleep. Today, Wednesday , I feel better but still not 100%.
Were those 6 hours on Saturday worth the following 60 hours? HELL NO!
Oh, my. What a powerful way to examine your experience. When you put it this way, sobriety is the only logical (or even illogical) choice. I so relate to that more, more, more feeling- of needing more wine- even when there is part of your mind reminding you softly that you've already had more than enough, and definitely do NOT need any more- and yet there is the other part saying: Wine? There is no such thing as enough, ever. The first glass of wine starts activating that More+More voice, and it gets louder with each sip, until its roar drowns out anything else. For me, toughing it out without wine until I'm lying in bed, getting ready to fall asleep- that is where the beauty of the evening without wine hits me. It IS hard, but it is good.
ReplyDeleteCarrieK at Day #16
God I hate that pounding heart. Terrifying! I would try to convince myself that it was my anxiety that was causing it and that the more I worried about my drinking the worse it would get, so the solution was not to quit drinking, it was too quit worrying. lol It didn't work, I'd become physically dependent and that pounding heart was my body's way of telling me it wanted me to give it more booze, the only way to stop it was to climb out of bed and get that wine bottle out of the fridge. Worked like a charm, the palpitations would stop. Until the next night, in the middle of the night when my body decided it wanted some more. Again, a few minutes of relief bought into a never ending cycle of devastation.
ReplyDeleteI'm on day 2 (again) and will be fine until about day 11-15 (for about the 19th time this year). I am also almost 45. I want to be done. We could be the same exact person. I LOVE your posts and am so glad you are back. I was really worried!!! Do you have a personal email where we could talk ?
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous...I would love to talk. Sorry it took me so long to replay - I kind of fell off the map for awhile. I really done well since my last post. My email is ksusier@ gmail.com
Delete