I will wake up tomorrow ready to take on a new year. I will not have a HO, I will not be embarrassed bc of anything i said or did the night before, I will know that I put my kids as my first priority.
Now for this year - at least I don't have the resolution to stop/do better with my drinking! I have already done that. Now that I have that out of the way, my resolution is to be present in the moment and live each day with intention. To find out what I really like to do now that I will have more free time. I need to find other ways to relax and spend my time. I will finally have the time and energy to take better care of myself - get to the gym, eat better, get enough sleep. My goal is really to spend more time looking inward rather than outward for my happiness and peace. My happiness is not up to nor dependent on others. I need to find my own happiness. Part of that is to not be so sensitive. Everything is not always about me.
I also need to be vigilant in my sobriety. I will blog every day, post to my online community lists and read all of the literature I receive regarding sobriety. This is the year I will become the person I have always known I could be. A calm, collected, mature, compassionate, competent woman.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Year's Eve 2011 - 11:50 PM
I am so thankful for were I am at right now at the end of 2011. 2012 will be amazing! Happy New Year!
New Year's Eve 2011 - 6:30 PM
I would normally be well into getting my drink on by now! Every New Years (except one pregnant one)for the past 25 years (since I was 19) I would be drinking by now! Man, did I look forward to this day. It was my favorite holiday. I, in fact, was the one having the neighborhood New Year's Eve party for maybe 15 years so I didn't have to drive anywhere. I had some that were really bad and I was tashed. I had some that were moderate and I did pretty good. I never had any that were sober and I rarely woke up on New Year's Day feeling good.
I am not quite sure how I feel right now, maybe a mixture of thankful, sad, excited, nervous, tired, bored, embarrassed, proud, anxious, calm, angry, happy, restless, content. it really is a mixed bag of emotions.
On the up side - I am now hosting a teenage party. just got back form the store with $75 dollars in junk food for them. I guess it is better than the money I would have spent on alcohol. In the past I would have been way to selfish. i wanted my kids with me but that was because I didn't want to have to worry about them. I take care of them all the time. This was my night! My night to spend with alcohol! That is actually a bit sad. This New Years Eve I will truly be present and spend it with my family.
I am not quite sure how I feel right now, maybe a mixture of thankful, sad, excited, nervous, tired, bored, embarrassed, proud, anxious, calm, angry, happy, restless, content. it really is a mixed bag of emotions.
On the up side - I am now hosting a teenage party. just got back form the store with $75 dollars in junk food for them. I guess it is better than the money I would have spent on alcohol. In the past I would have been way to selfish. i wanted my kids with me but that was because I didn't want to have to worry about them. I take care of them all the time. This was my night! My night to spend with alcohol! That is actually a bit sad. This New Years Eve I will truly be present and spend it with my family.
Day 7 - too self confident?
Well last night was tough. My bff (aka drinking buddy) and her dh asked us to go to the museum with them. OK - that seems pretty safe - they don't even have alcohol there. While there - we all got hungry. Bff suggested one of our favorite Mexican food places. I have never been there without at least 2 Negro Modelos. Ok - I can do this - I am also hungry - I've got to go there without drinking eventually - why not tonight? We went - I sucked down 3 .... club sodas. Dh and friend had a couple beers - which didn't bother me. Bff had iced tea! I told her to do what she wants - I don't want her or anyone else to feel like they need to change their behavior bc of me. She said she was fine - she was just saving her "points" up for tomorrow (NYE). So far so good.
Then someone suggested a movie at their house. I felt a pang of nervousness but didn't want to ruin the fun for everyone so I said OK. When we got to her house, I panicked, couldn't go in the house and said I had to go let the dogs out. I just freaked out! I have NEVER been in her basement (12 years) to watch a movie without the wine flowing - usually in excess. I, all of a sudden, did not feel safe! BTW - I have not had panic attacks since I quit smoking.
So I got home and started to feel better - it started to pass. Then I thought - I eventually have to watch a movie in the basement without alcohol. I want to still hang out with her and not effect everyone else's evening. So why not tonight - also get that "first" out of the way. So..... I took a deep breath went back over. She did not open any wine. In fact, no one drank anything else. I sucked down 2 more club sodas, ate a huge bowl of popcorn, watched the movie, came home and went to bed. I am very proud of myself! I hope I am not jumping into situations too quickly. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, which is probably why I was a binge drinker instead of a daily drinker. If I am choosing not to drink, then let's not screw around and prolong the pain. Let's just jump in with both feet and learn to live life without alcohol. Do you think this is being a little too self-confident?
I do, however, wish today was over! I just don't even want to deal with NYE this year! All the partiers are going to think I don't feel well. My family knows that I could care less what they do. All of the family drama is not my focus today. All I know is that I am staying home, I am not drinking and if they come over here neither are they. The most important thing for me is to get through today, the hardest day of the year for me - SOBER!
Then someone suggested a movie at their house. I felt a pang of nervousness but didn't want to ruin the fun for everyone so I said OK. When we got to her house, I panicked, couldn't go in the house and said I had to go let the dogs out. I just freaked out! I have NEVER been in her basement (12 years) to watch a movie without the wine flowing - usually in excess. I, all of a sudden, did not feel safe! BTW - I have not had panic attacks since I quit smoking.
So I got home and started to feel better - it started to pass. Then I thought - I eventually have to watch a movie in the basement without alcohol. I want to still hang out with her and not effect everyone else's evening. So why not tonight - also get that "first" out of the way. So..... I took a deep breath went back over. She did not open any wine. In fact, no one drank anything else. I sucked down 2 more club sodas, ate a huge bowl of popcorn, watched the movie, came home and went to bed. I am very proud of myself! I hope I am not jumping into situations too quickly. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, which is probably why I was a binge drinker instead of a daily drinker. If I am choosing not to drink, then let's not screw around and prolong the pain. Let's just jump in with both feet and learn to live life without alcohol. Do you think this is being a little too self-confident?
I do, however, wish today was over! I just don't even want to deal with NYE this year! All the partiers are going to think I don't feel well. My family knows that I could care less what they do. All of the family drama is not my focus today. All I know is that I am staying home, I am not drinking and if they come over here neither are they. The most important thing for me is to get through today, the hardest day of the year for me - SOBER!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Day 6 AM
I can't believe it has only been 6 days since my last drink. It has been such an emotional battle this week that I feel like it has been a month. Only the anxiety,rapid heart beat and inability to sleep tell me it hasn't been that long. These are my typical withdrawal symptoms that have helped me recognize my problem.
Today I am just going to get through the day. It is Friday (a holiday weekend Friday no less) and that is a huge trigger. I am not going to try to ignore or push my worry/anxiety away. I am going to feel them, live with them, think about them and remind myself that drinking will just keep it going. I will not drink today!
Today I am just going to get through the day. It is Friday (a holiday weekend Friday no less) and that is a huge trigger. I am not going to try to ignore or push my worry/anxiety away. I am going to feel them, live with them, think about them and remind myself that drinking will just keep it going. I will not drink today!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
End of Day 5
My heart is beating so fast and I am so exhausted. I am sure it is still withdrawals and the anxiety of all the new decisions. I am emotionally drained. It has been a rough couple of days. What I am thinking about right now is how I stopped smoking. I tried and tried and tried for probably 10 years on and off and 2 years seriously. When i was serious, I would wake up, tell myself I wasn't smoking that day and go to work. I would create chaos in my day so that I could say, "Well that was a bad day. I need a cigarette!" Then I would struggle with that decision for about two hours and eventually go buy a pack. As soon as I had the first one, I said, "Screw it! Now I might as well make the most out of it, smoke as many as I can, throw the rest away and then start again tomorrow." I did this over and over and over - probably 3 times a week for 2 years! Then one day I wanted one so bad, was presented with the situation to have one with no pressure not to. It was truly my choice. I walked around outside for 2 hours - literally yelling at myself - having a battle with myself! I know it sounds crazy and I really am not crazy! That was the day I truly quit. I had a couple of relapses after that but never was fully engaged in the addiction again. To stop, I had to completely become a hermit for 6 months. I couldn't do anything, see anyone, participate in life at all. I went to work and to the gym. That was it. Then, after 6 months, it started to get easier. I started to feel better - day by day I felt better. I still had to avoid any smoking situations for another year, but I didn't feel like I was going to die. Eventually, I didn't even want one. I had learned to live life without it. Now, I could be drunk (well not really that anymore either) and in a smoky bar and not even have the urge. This gives me hope. I know that this is going to be really hard, but it can't be harder than cigarettes. I did that. I can do this!
Day 5
This morning I woke up and had a mini anxiety attack. My first thought was, "What have you done??? You have just told your family you have a drinking problem!!! What were you thinking???? Now you are really stuck! Maybe you should have waited few more days, when the hangover/depression/self hatred were gone. Maybe then you would have reconsidered and not said anything." I really was mad at myself that I said anything because no what if I want to drink? Now what? Now it would just be a mess?
Then I started having a conversation with myself about whether or not I have a drinking problem. I started going back in my head the last twenty years and all the things that might prove to myself I actually have a problem. This is what I came up with:
In my 20's
*Throwing up in some strangers house plant after having way to much at an open bar wedding
*Being escorted out of a bar through the back door bc I couldn't get off the toilet to walk
*Driving or being driven when I had absolutely no business doing so
*Having parties at my house every weekend so I had a safe place to drink
*Falling out of the bathroom stall on roller skates with my pant down
*Jumping fences to sneak into swimming pools in the middle of the night and running form the police who were trying to catch us - lucky we didn't drown
*Having every weekend preoccupied with alcohol and being really pissed if anything got in my way
In my 30's
(did have two brief period of being "good" - pregnancies/quitting smoking)
*Realizing that I just moved into a "party" neighborhood
*Drinking too much at every single neighborhood get together and swearing I would do better next time
*Throwing up at a New Years Eve party at my house and in bed by 9:00 - trashed
*Falling in the street in the middle of the night by myself walking home from a neighbors house
*Driving my kids home one night from my sister when I HAD NO BUSINESS DRIVING - swearing if *I just got home safe with no dui I would quit - that was probably 7 years ago
*Getting wasted at a baby shower (when no one else was) - walking through the kitchen finishing everyone else glasses of wine when no one was looking!
*Throwing up out the car window (husband was driving) while my kids were in the car
*Having to have my sister come pick up my kids from a restaurant once bc I wasn't done and wanted to
go out with our friends
*Having many, many, drama filled/alcohol fueled vacations with extended family (yelling, screaming, crying, etc)
In my 40's
*Repeatedly having to get up and leave unexpectedly from functions, stumble home and get to bed
*Getting wasted at chili cook-offs, neighborhood parties, weekends, etc.
*No longer going to the gym or eating healthy - too exhausted
*Getting trashed in front of my kids - they are now old enough to realize
*Picking fights with husband or even my dear kids when drunk
*Creating bad days/weeks just for an excuse to drink
*Almost driving in a ditch close to my house coming home from a FAC work party
*Making a fool at myself at a work function at a bar throwing popcorn
*Acting like an idiot singing Karoeke at a bar with work friends
*Drinking during the day on vacations or "special occasions"
*Not being able to attend any function without eventually drinking
*Drinking wine during the week
*Having a neighbor call you a drunk (coming from a drunk who was drunk)
*Stumbling home from a neighbors, stepping in the mud, passing out in bed fully clothed with a muddy foot
*Sneaking drinks when no one was looking
*Multiple days wasted with hangovers - always swearing I will do better
*Mental anguish/torment ALL DAY/EVERY DAY
I don't drink during the week, I don't drink during the day, I don't drink hard alcohol but obviously
I HAVE A PROBLEM AND NEED TO STOP!!!!
Then I started having a conversation with myself about whether or not I have a drinking problem. I started going back in my head the last twenty years and all the things that might prove to myself I actually have a problem. This is what I came up with:
In my 20's
*Throwing up in some strangers house plant after having way to much at an open bar wedding
*Being escorted out of a bar through the back door bc I couldn't get off the toilet to walk
*Driving or being driven when I had absolutely no business doing so
*Having parties at my house every weekend so I had a safe place to drink
*Falling out of the bathroom stall on roller skates with my pant down
*Jumping fences to sneak into swimming pools in the middle of the night and running form the police who were trying to catch us - lucky we didn't drown
*Having every weekend preoccupied with alcohol and being really pissed if anything got in my way
In my 30's
(did have two brief period of being "good" - pregnancies/quitting smoking)
*Realizing that I just moved into a "party" neighborhood
*Drinking too much at every single neighborhood get together and swearing I would do better next time
*Throwing up at a New Years Eve party at my house and in bed by 9:00 - trashed
*Falling in the street in the middle of the night by myself walking home from a neighbors house
*Driving my kids home one night from my sister when I HAD NO BUSINESS DRIVING - swearing if *I just got home safe with no dui I would quit - that was probably 7 years ago
*Getting wasted at a baby shower (when no one else was) - walking through the kitchen finishing everyone else glasses of wine when no one was looking!
*Throwing up out the car window (husband was driving) while my kids were in the car
*Having to have my sister come pick up my kids from a restaurant once bc I wasn't done and wanted to
go out with our friends
*Having many, many, drama filled/alcohol fueled vacations with extended family (yelling, screaming, crying, etc)
In my 40's
*Repeatedly having to get up and leave unexpectedly from functions, stumble home and get to bed
*Getting wasted at chili cook-offs, neighborhood parties, weekends, etc.
*No longer going to the gym or eating healthy - too exhausted
*Getting trashed in front of my kids - they are now old enough to realize
*Picking fights with husband or even my dear kids when drunk
*Creating bad days/weeks just for an excuse to drink
*Almost driving in a ditch close to my house coming home from a FAC work party
*Making a fool at myself at a work function at a bar throwing popcorn
*Acting like an idiot singing Karoeke at a bar with work friends
*Drinking during the day on vacations or "special occasions"
*Not being able to attend any function without eventually drinking
*Drinking wine during the week
*Having a neighbor call you a drunk (coming from a drunk who was drunk)
*Stumbling home from a neighbors, stepping in the mud, passing out in bed fully clothed with a muddy foot
*Sneaking drinks when no one was looking
*Multiple days wasted with hangovers - always swearing I will do better
*Mental anguish/torment ALL DAY/EVERY DAY
I don't drink during the week, I don't drink during the day, I don't drink hard alcohol but obviously
I HAVE A PROBLEM AND NEED TO STOP!!!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
End of Day 4
I am exhausted! Had everyone over. The sister that I had already talked to said to my other sister, "I don't know what we are doing NYE - I don't think (ksusier) is going to go or at is least not staying at the party." The sister who didn't know gets all bent out of shape about not being included in the change of plans. I tell her to get off my back - I need to talk to her about something in private. My mom says, "Well it is obviously about me." OMG!!! It is no wonder I have drank for so long. Any way - I brought my mom and other sister up to my bedroom - cried my eyes out (for the second day in a row) and told them. My mom said, "I am proud of you and I already knew you had a problem." My other sister (who has the same addictive/obsessive problems as I do) said, "Trust me I know how consuming that battle inside your head can be. I think it is very courageous of you to tell us. I will do anything you need. You beat nicotine - you can beat this. You are an amazing person and mother. Stop beating yourself up. You are strong enough to do this." I feel very loved and supported.
Also, my dd and her friends all wanted to go see a scary Rated R movie (Paranormal Activity 3) which most of them could not get into because they are only 16. How amazing it was at 8:00 at night to be able to say to them, "I'll take you - no problem." I had 8 teenagers with me to see the movie and it was scary. That also made me feel important, loved and needed. I could have never done that before because I wouldn't have wanted to drive. I think I can be more spontaneous while sober - who knew.
Also, my dd and her friends all wanted to go see a scary Rated R movie (Paranormal Activity 3) which most of them could not get into because they are only 16. How amazing it was at 8:00 at night to be able to say to them, "I'll take you - no problem." I had 8 teenagers with me to see the movie and it was scary. That also made me feel important, loved and needed. I could have never done that before because I wouldn't have wanted to drive. I think I can be more spontaneous while sober - who knew.
Day 4 mid afternoon
Once again, I have to host a family event - my daughter's birthday. One person asked, "Should we bring some wine?" I said, "I don't care. If you want some, you better bring it bc I don't have any." I also have a neighbor friend blowing up my phone to come over and have a beer. They all know I am off for winter break and know that I don't usually pass up an offer - no matter what I am doing. In fact my phone is ringing for the 3rd time right now. I really don't want to go into it all with her right now, so I am just going to tell her I am in the shower. Even though I absolutely do not want to drink right now - I am feeling a little anxiety physically. It is interesting to me that my head is saying no and my body is saying - please. It is usually my brain that I am battling. The physical battle is easier right now. I do feel a little shaky however.
Also, I took the HUGE step last night of telling my sister. She said she already knew and that she was very proud of my for not only seeing it in myself and for having the courage to not only admit ti but to tell her about it. She said she will do whatever I need her to do to support my in my sobriety. She is amazing! I feel very fortunate to have bother her and my husband behind me. She is very concerned about me attending the New Year's Eve party. Her exact words where, "Are you crazy? I don't think that is a very good idea." We are coming up with some alternate plans.
Also, I took the HUGE step last night of telling my sister. She said she already knew and that she was very proud of my for not only seeing it in myself and for having the courage to not only admit ti but to tell her about it. She said she will do whatever I need her to do to support my in my sobriety. She is amazing! I feel very fortunate to have bother her and my husband behind me. She is very concerned about me attending the New Year's Eve party. Her exact words where, "Are you crazy? I don't think that is a very good idea." We are coming up with some alternate plans.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Day 3 comes to a close
As Day 3 comes to a close, I feel tired but restless, agitated, shaky on the inside, headachy - I know after many Day 3's this is to be expected. I spent many years just thinking I was grumpy for now apparent reason and just waited for the weekend to come so could have a couple - never really connecting the two together. At least now I can see al of my withdrawals for what they are.
The next realization that is coming through is that this is not going to be easy - as much resolve as I have right now in Day 3 - as sure as I am that I want to stop drinking - as positive as I am of this decision for so many reasons - it will not stay with me. Usually by Day 6 (more or less) my addiction will try to convince me that am just overreacting, that this is just the latest obession, that my problem isn't that bad, that I am going to try to moderate one more time and if it doesn't work, I will quit forever. And doesn't it just figure that Day 7 is New year's Eve so I am assuming it will be worse than usual. I know it will come like a shitstorm trying to ruin the peace that I am trying to make with this. And I am scared because I have always given in and I have always been so sure on Day 1, 2, 3, 4, .....
Tonight I am going to bed. Tomorrow I am going to try to write something to myself that I can read when that terrible, convincing, insidious, unrelenting, never resting voice of addiction returns to my head. As soon as I start feeling better, it will be back and this time I WILL BE READY!!!
12/27/12 (Tues) Reflections of yesterday and worry for NYE
Well, I am pretty tired today even though I did not drink. i did not sleep well which is par for the course on Day 3. Hot flashes, freezing, restless, etc. I did go to yoga this morning and am very proud of myself for yesterday but am now worried about New Year's Eve. What am I going to do? I am helping to plan the party. I can't just bail without telling people why. I don't want to tell people why right now. Maybe my sister (which I did not have a chance to tell yesterday bc everyone was around) but not the whole neighborhood. Part of my just thinks it isn't their business and I really don't want to go into it. Maybe I will go and fake it - carry around a red cup with water. Maybe I will go help set up and then "disappear" back to the safety of my own home. Maybe I will just be there, have a good time and just tell people I am taking a break from leaving and just leave it at that. I am not sure yet, but I do know that I will not drink. I did not get through my first ever Christmas day dinner, that I cooked no less, just to blow it on New Year's Eve. It is just another 24 hours. All of my enjoyment, fun, laughter, sense of belonging should not be wrapped up in such a destructive beverage.
One other reflection from yesterday was that after the initial panic/anxiety attack of not being able to drink, when I look back at it, it seems like it was much less chaotic of a day than it would have been with that constant wine buzz that I would have maintained most of the day. Made dinner (no big deal), ate dinner (no big deal), cleaned up dinner (no big deal), watched the kids open presents (not big deal), watched a movie (no big deal) and went to bed. Woke up proud of myself with no HO - BIG DEAL!! It seems like it was calmer in my own head, quieter, less chaotic. I was much less reactionary to everyone around me.
Maybe the holidays (and everything in my life for that matter) have been more about the anticipation of being able to drink than looking forward to the actual event. Hmmmmm.....
One other reflection from yesterday was that after the initial panic/anxiety attack of not being able to drink, when I look back at it, it seems like it was much less chaotic of a day than it would have been with that constant wine buzz that I would have maintained most of the day. Made dinner (no big deal), ate dinner (no big deal), cleaned up dinner (no big deal), watched the kids open presents (not big deal), watched a movie (no big deal) and went to bed. Woke up proud of myself with no HO - BIG DEAL!! It seems like it was calmer in my own head, quieter, less chaotic. I was much less reactionary to everyone around me.
Maybe the holidays (and everything in my life for that matter) have been more about the anticipation of being able to drink than looking forward to the actual event. Hmmmmm.....
Monday, December 26, 2011
12/26/11 (Mon) Success (anxiety attacks)
I DID IT!!!! I got through cooking an amazing Christmas dinner for 16 people (crazy, drinking, family members) without drinking. I don't know if I have ever done that in my adult life other than the year I was pregnant. It was a little weird. The anticipation and build up was actually worse than the event. While making the shopping list, out shopping and beginning to cook I felt terrible. I had a major mental struggle going on in my head.
On the one hand I was thinking, "This is just going to suck. I don't even want to do it. I just wish every one would cancel. I am not going to be able to look forward to everything again. I will just start tomorrow. I shouldn't be attempting this during the holidays. what am I going to say of anyone bugs me."
On the other hand, I was thinking, "Are you kidding me!!! I haven't even gone 2 days and I am already trying to convince myself. This about how incredibly proud you will be about yourself. It is just another 24 hours. No big deal just get through it."
I honestly felt like I was having an anxiety attack for about 3 hours because of the anticipation of not being able to drink. Then, once everyone started getting here, I just kept busy, tried not to think about it and just focussed on the cooking.
The most amazing part was that NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!! I DON'T THINK ANYONE EVEN NOTICED!!!!! I am shocked!!!
On the one hand I was thinking, "This is just going to suck. I don't even want to do it. I just wish every one would cancel. I am not going to be able to look forward to everything again. I will just start tomorrow. I shouldn't be attempting this during the holidays. what am I going to say of anyone bugs me."
On the other hand, I was thinking, "Are you kidding me!!! I haven't even gone 2 days and I am already trying to convince myself. This about how incredibly proud you will be about yourself. It is just another 24 hours. No big deal just get through it."
I honestly felt like I was having an anxiety attack for about 3 hours because of the anticipation of not being able to drink. Then, once everyone started getting here, I just kept busy, tried not to think about it and just focussed on the cooking.
The most amazing part was that NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!! I DON'T THINK ANYONE EVEN NOTICED!!!!! I am shocked!!!
12/26/11 (Mon) Tiny step - Let's not drink
Ok so I made the first tiny little step. The drama has already begun. No one can decide on a time for dinner. People are getting a little snippy - some are saying if we miss it - oh well we will be there later. What?!?!?!? I have to go buy all the food, make it and host. People should be committing to a time. RUDE!! I, of course, am trying to be the peace maker, have spent an hour now texting everyone trying to settle on a time. My anxiety level is already rising!
I talked to one of my sister and said, "I know you have to work tomorrow. Are you planning on drinking?" She said, "I don't really care. I hadn't really thought about it (wow - I wish I could feel that way - but I can't/don't)." I said, "Well, how about let's not. i already feel my anxiety rising. I am worried about how today is going to go and if we put alcohol in the mix, it might not be a good thing." she said, "OK whatever." then in the next breath I said, "Can you bring whatever wine you have, just in case other people want some so I don't have to go to the liquor store?" I know that is my addiction talking - freaking out - feeling betrayed.
I am seriously considering at least telling my sister the truth today. The thought of that both scares the shit out of me and feel amazing! i will keep you posted. It will take a lot of courage and I will probably chicken out. I will keep yo posted!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
12/25/11 (Sun) Worried about tomorrow...really want to quit
Well, this Christmas wasn't that great. I had a major HO from last night. It took me half the day to even function. I remember last year when this happened I snuck Kahlula in my coffee which I NEVER do. I do not drink in the morning, but I just thought, "Oh well, people say it makes you feel better and it is Christmas morning. I will do so much better after this." Well, this morning I did not put anything in my coffee, but I am not only not any better than last year - I think I am worse. I think that my bingeing has gotten more severe and more regular. It is almost as if after one drink, I lose all sense of even thinking about it. Even before I get the buzz, I have given up and said, "Screw it! I am drinking tonight." If it is a weekend night I am either absing or bingeing. Rarely can I moderate on the weekend. My numbers look better, but I am worse. I am also getting much meaner and louder when I drink. I get defensive, arrogant, loud, dominate and I am sure irritating. I remember seeing my dad act like that when I was little. I also remember many holidays that ended with family fight and my mom crying. I could never understand why he would chose alcohol over his kids, but really that is what I am doing now. Do I go to jail? No. Do I get DUIs? No. Do I lose my job? No. but I am losing precious time with my kids every time i am hiding from a hangover which has been 4 days in the last 8. That is pretty sad.
Tomorrow i want to abs. I want to abs for the rest of my life. I want to be the one telling people how peaceful it is. I want to me the role model, the one everyone looks up to.
But...tomorrow is going to be really rough. We are doing our family Christmas at my house. I am cooking a big dinner and everyone is coming over. This has always spelled disaster for me. I love to have people over while I am cooking, share some wine, have a few laughs, eat a nice dinner with more wine. But that is where it ends up stopping for most people. I on the other hand am looking for that last bottle of wine, making sure I get "my share" before it is gone. And if it is gone, I switch to beer. Everyone else has long since stopped drinking, but I am still at it which leads to the HO and self hatred the next day.
I am not ready to tell everyone, at least not tomorrow, but it is going to be really difficult to fake. How do I get through all of it without drinking and not having anyone notice? I have to even go buy the wine for tomorrow. I am really worried about tomorrow.
Tomorrow i want to abs. I want to abs for the rest of my life. I want to be the one telling people how peaceful it is. I want to me the role model, the one everyone looks up to.
But...tomorrow is going to be really rough. We are doing our family Christmas at my house. I am cooking a big dinner and everyone is coming over. This has always spelled disaster for me. I love to have people over while I am cooking, share some wine, have a few laughs, eat a nice dinner with more wine. But that is where it ends up stopping for most people. I on the other hand am looking for that last bottle of wine, making sure I get "my share" before it is gone. And if it is gone, I switch to beer. Everyone else has long since stopped drinking, but I am still at it which leads to the HO and self hatred the next day.
I am not ready to tell everyone, at least not tomorrow, but it is going to be really difficult to fake. How do I get through all of it without drinking and not having anyone notice? I have to even go buy the wine for tomorrow. I am really worried about tomorrow.
12/25/11 (Sun) Why??? I am a failure
so after everything I posted yesterday....I drank last night...I wanted to have a HO free Christmas day...and it is not! i don't know what is wrong with me! I just can't seem to say no when it is offered...no matter how convinced I was that morning that I wasn't going to drink. I want soooooooo badly to be able to say, "I have been sober since Christmas day 2011." But I just know I will fail...i always fail...i am tired of failing...
afraid
Why am I so afraid of taking that step of total sobriety? I am so afraid that life is just going to suck without alcohol. I look forward to having a couple drinks when it comes to anything special going on - holidays, get togethers, birthdays, vacations, weekends. It has just been a part of me for so long. Nothing seems like it will be as fun or enjoyable anymore and I won't have anything to wait for, to look forward to. I know it sounds stupid, but did you guys once feel like this? What did you tell yourself to get over those feelings? I know, I know, I know - life is great for all of you now....but it is not for me...I want to be completely abstinate but I just can't imagine never being able to have that part of my life again.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Nervous
I am going to try to post every day for a while. Yesterday was terrible. HO....felt awful...did nothing...wasted the day....ate plenty of crap food...beat myself up for most of the day regarding my behavior on Thursday night.....BUT......I also joined Women For Sobriety. I have to get approval and then I am going to see if there is any local meetings. This is a HUGE step for me - to bring my "issues"off my computer, out of my study, out of my head. I feel like I have been hiding my problem for so long, thinking that I will just try harder this time. No one will know I had a problem (haha - I'm sure people thought things Thursday night), I will just fix it quietly by myself.
I am going to be 44 years old and have spent 25 adult years in this relationship with alcohol. Not always bad - we have had some good times together. I could always turn to my buddy beer or wine to make me more relaxed, funny, fun, happy, outgoing, daring, party girl that everyone wanted around. It has been a pretty great ride, but things have changed between me and alcohol. My "friend" now lures me in with ever increasing pressure, allows me a little fun just to get things started and then completely takes control of me.
I lose ME. I become the me that is swimming in a pool of rapidly increasing intoxication. I don't like that me anymore. I am tired of that me. I have been that me for 25 years. It can't ever be like it was when I was in my 20s or 30s. Unfortunately for my relationship with alcohol, things have to change. I am beginning to understand the idea of moderating being harder than abstaining. Trust me - I have tried to moderate on and off for 15 years, pretty hard for the last two. It is VERY hard to moderate (for me - the binge drinker) - obviously - I have not been very successful. I have done great with the daily drinking, but given the social nature of my personality I can not moderate on the weekends if I put that first drink to my lips. My "friend" alcohol has me in her grasp saying, "OK now your talking...I knew I could get you one more time .... now let's have some fun. I love hanging out with you... you are the best....we have so much fun together...don't think about tomorrow...live in the moment....have fun now!"
I don't want to live the second half of my adult life like this. I also am well aware that if I continue down this path things will not get better, and they will also not stay the same. I have enough alcoholics in my family to know that they WILL inevitably get worse. this disease is progressive.
Alcohol is just a stupid drug and I, my friend, am a drug addict. Wow! I can't believe I just wrote that! My fingers seem to be typing on their own. Ever heard of "Conversations with God?" I have to get out before something bad happens. I have to lift the fog of this DISEASE! I have to become the person I am meant to be in this life. I have to CHOOSE not to let this stupid drug have control over me any longer!
I am going to be 44 years old and have spent 25 adult years in this relationship with alcohol. Not always bad - we have had some good times together. I could always turn to my buddy beer or wine to make me more relaxed, funny, fun, happy, outgoing, daring, party girl that everyone wanted around. It has been a pretty great ride, but things have changed between me and alcohol. My "friend" now lures me in with ever increasing pressure, allows me a little fun just to get things started and then completely takes control of me.
I lose ME. I become the me that is swimming in a pool of rapidly increasing intoxication. I don't like that me anymore. I am tired of that me. I have been that me for 25 years. It can't ever be like it was when I was in my 20s or 30s. Unfortunately for my relationship with alcohol, things have to change. I am beginning to understand the idea of moderating being harder than abstaining. Trust me - I have tried to moderate on and off for 15 years, pretty hard for the last two. It is VERY hard to moderate (for me - the binge drinker) - obviously - I have not been very successful. I have done great with the daily drinking, but given the social nature of my personality I can not moderate on the weekends if I put that first drink to my lips. My "friend" alcohol has me in her grasp saying, "OK now your talking...I knew I could get you one more time .... now let's have some fun. I love hanging out with you... you are the best....we have so much fun together...don't think about tomorrow...live in the moment....have fun now!"
I don't want to live the second half of my adult life like this. I also am well aware that if I continue down this path things will not get better, and they will also not stay the same. I have enough alcoholics in my family to know that they WILL inevitably get worse. this disease is progressive.
Alcohol is just a stupid drug and I, my friend, am a drug addict. Wow! I can't believe I just wrote that! My fingers seem to be typing on their own. Ever heard of "Conversations with God?" I have to get out before something bad happens. I have to lift the fog of this DISEASE! I have to become the person I am meant to be in this life. I have to CHOOSE not to let this stupid drug have control over me any longer!
Friday, December 23, 2011
I am so sick of myself!
So I haven't posted in a while. I decided I was getting too caught up in the thinking about the problem. Obsessing about the latest obsession (my alcohol issues) was just making it worse. I decided it just "play it by ear." Let it be the way it used to be - no drinking during the week, moderate on the weekends (although that is kind of a joke bc I rarely moderated on the weekends). I had a terrible week over Thanksgiving, swore it would be different, had a couple of really good weeks, and now have fallen off the deep end AGAIN! For me that means not being able to go more than 4 days without drinking, some days (during the week) only drinking one or two, bingeing with 5-6 on the weekends and waking up with a HO. Since winter break started, I have had 3 bingeing nights, 3 days spent with a HO and only 2 days abstaining. I think I have a problem. I may be that dreaded A word and I may need help. I just can't seem to get a handle on this alone. My mind is going back to when I would wake up in the morning, trying to plan the next neighborhood get to together just so I could drink. I am not the same as I used to be when I drink. I think I might have really embarrassed myself last night at the party. i don't think I said anything out of line, but anymore I just get so fricking loud. Maybe I have always been, it just is annoying coming from a middle aged woman. I know for a fact I embarrass my teenage children by telling stories about them. This has got to stop! I can't live like this anymore. I am broken, disgusted with myself, incredibly lonely in this self imposed prison of addiction (even though I am surrounded by people who love me) and just exhausted from it all! I need help! I am crying as I type - please don;t let anyone see...
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Outer me vs. inner me
I read this "morning blessing" and thought about what I truly want in my heart (sobriety) and the conflict I seem to be having with this when it comes to the "outer" me. There is the me who wants to stay home, be calm and peaceful. There is also the me that wants to still connect with people (that has always meant with alcohol in the past), go out, have fun, be part of the group, not feel left out or different. Right now I can't do both - it is either one or the other. I know it will come - but right now it is a struggle.
Often it is very hard to realize that I am one. The outer life seems utterly outer. It seems a part of a separate order. It is made up of the things I do, of my relationship of one kind or another with work, play, job, people, and things. The standard by which the outer is judged tends to be an artificial standard, made up of that which is convenient, practical, expedient. The outer seems public, it seems ever to be an external net of physical relationships.
The inward sanctuary is my sanctuary. It is the place where I keep my trust with all my meanings and my values. It is the quiet place where the ultimate issues of my life are determined. What I know of myself, my meaning; what I know of God, His meaning; all this, and much more, is made clear in my secret place. It seems strangely incongruous, often, to bring into my secret place the rasping, gritty noises of my outer life. Again, this may be for me merely an alibi. For I know that in the searching light of my inward sanctuary all the faults, limitations and evil of my outer life stand clearly revealed for what they are.
I determine to live the outer life in the inward sanctuary. The outer life must find its meaning, the source of its strength in the inward sanctuary. As this is done, the gulf between outer and inner will narrow and my life will be increasingly whole and of one piece. What I do in the outer will be blessed by the holiness of the inward sanctuary; for indeed it shall all be one.
from Meditations of the Heart by Howard Thurman, pg.173
Nice evening
I did not drink. I watched a movie (Super 8) which was really good with dh and ds. Dd went out with her friends, which always makes me nervous. I was glad I was sober just in case she needed me. My friend/neighbor/drinking buddy called, but I didn't answer. I am sure she was looking for someone to have a beer with. I thought to myself, "She probably just wants to have a beer - that is why she is calling - someone to drink with." It made me wonder if people ignore my call sometimes for the same reason. Probably...I don't think I like that....
Friday, December 2, 2011
My intentions for the weekend
I haven't drank anything since last Friday (remember the week before that was a nightmare). I have been soooooooo tired this week. I am sure it has a lot to do with a lot of things - less sunight - cold - shorter days - 32 kids in my class who seem to forget there is still 2 more weeks of school before break - I am sure it also because I had such a bad week last week sooooo.....
I am not drinking this weekend. Just putting it out there in the universe. I really need to get back to the gym (at 4:30 am lol) and that is not going to happen if I start next week from the same place. This weekend I am going to take it easy, get some stuff done, take care of myself and enjoy a sober weekend which will hopefully lead to a better week next week.
--
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Today
Today I feel pretty good. Thanksgiving was a epic fail. Drank way too much wine on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Woke up with HOs. Absed Monday, drank Tuesday and Wednesday, was a mess on Thanksgiving - absed. I even faked being sick so not to have to do the extended family thing. I was depressed and I was afraid they would have wine. Then DRANK again on Friday! Not a lot - only 3 beers - but still! What the hell is wrong with me?
Did not drink Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, or today. I am finally coming out of my alcohol fog, finally getting a little energy back, finally not feeling so cranky. And what am I worried about - DRINKING this weekend!!!! I don't want to! I really just want to be sober for awhile to get all of the alcohol out of my system. I am going to not drink this weekend! That statement gives me a little anxiety. I would usually say I am going to try to not drink this weekend.
Did not drink Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, or today. I am finally coming out of my alcohol fog, finally getting a little energy back, finally not feeling so cranky. And what am I worried about - DRINKING this weekend!!!! I don't want to! I really just want to be sober for awhile to get all of the alcohol out of my system. I am going to not drink this weekend! That statement gives me a little anxiety. I would usually say I am going to try to not drink this weekend.
What is your plan now?
Someone asked me this question. Someone else told me to save my response for later.
What is your plan now? I am not sure (just being honest). Are you quitting, or are you drinking a few on the weekends and none on weekdays? For sure none on the weekdays. We will see on the weekends. I really just want to perm abs. I told myself - one more HO and I was done - it was proof I couldn't control it. How is it working for you? Thanksgiving break was an epic fail! Look at my abstar - it is disgusting! Fell back into my own miserable patterns. Drank wine! Wine is terrible for me. For sure no more wine - ever! I feel like I want to try to moderate one more time just once or twice a week but with only beer. Then again - one more HO and I am done! (As I am typing this there is a little voice in my head saying, "What is it going to take - one more abusive incident and you could have things happen that could change your life forever! Why risk it!" ) I have been thinking a lot about what you guys say about giving the absing some time so I can actually think more clearly about it. I am strongly considering doing a 30 (at least). I have not gone 30 days in 22 years (except when pregnant and when I quit smoking - I quit drinking for 6 months because it was the only way I could quit smoking)
What is your plan now? I am not sure (just being honest). Are you quitting, or are you drinking a few on the weekends and none on weekdays? For sure none on the weekdays. We will see on the weekends. I really just want to perm abs. I told myself - one more HO and I was done - it was proof I couldn't control it. How is it working for you? Thanksgiving break was an epic fail! Look at my abstar - it is disgusting! Fell back into my own miserable patterns. Drank wine! Wine is terrible for me. For sure no more wine - ever! I feel like I want to try to moderate one more time just once or twice a week but with only beer. Then again - one more HO and I am done! (As I am typing this there is a little voice in my head saying, "What is it going to take - one more abusive incident and you could have things happen that could change your life forever! Why risk it!" ) I have been thinking a lot about what you guys say about giving the absing some time so I can actually think more clearly about it. I am strongly considering doing a 30 (at least). I have not gone 30 days in 22 years (except when pregnant and when I quit smoking - I quit drinking for 6 months because it was the only way I could quit smoking)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
History of Sober Saturdays
I went back and checked my abstar row. I have been counting since March 2010. I have only had 10 sober Saturdays in that much time and they were usually followed by a binge on Fridays - too HO to drink.
I love being able to go back and look at my numbers. I am getting better at not drinking during the week - In April 2010 I only had 1 day that I could put in a 0! I now abs 3-5 days a week regularly. However, my problem has always been binge drinking on the weekends. It is interesting that as my daily numbers crept up - my bingeing decresed - probably supplying my body with a constant stream of alc kept my addiction happy. As I have gotten my daily numbers under control - my bingeing has gotten worse followed by excruciating HOs. I think my body works so hard to clear itself of the toxins during the week that 1- it is in all out craving/panic mode by the time Friday comes (which leads to a binge) and 2 - it just can't handle that much alco being thrown back into the system at one time. My body is tired of fighting this toxin.
I love being able to go back and look at my numbers. I am getting better at not drinking during the week - In April 2010 I only had 1 day that I could put in a 0! I now abs 3-5 days a week regularly. However, my problem has always been binge drinking on the weekends. It is interesting that as my daily numbers crept up - my bingeing decresed - probably supplying my body with a constant stream of alc kept my addiction happy. As I have gotten my daily numbers under control - my bingeing has gotten worse followed by excruciating HOs. I think my body works so hard to clear itself of the toxins during the week that 1- it is in all out craving/panic mode by the time Friday comes (which leads to a binge) and 2 - it just can't handle that much alco being thrown back into the system at one time. My body is tired of fighting this toxin.
Sober Saturday 11/27/11
I did not drink last night. Not because I couldn't, but because I didn't want to. This was a big accomplishment - I think the first time in 20 years to do so without a glass of wine in my hand. Just another occasion to drink in the past. I made a couple of interesting observations.
1. We put up our Christmas tree and I did not get in a fight with dh - that is a first!
2. He thought the tree was crooked so we took it back and got a different one - that would have pissed me off if I would have been drinking - who cares - it is fine - if we leave, I have to take a break form my wine! (I would have thought that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
3. While we were getting a new one - I saw 4 people I knew - I wasn't trying to avoid them bc they might smell the alcohol or I might act stupid. I don't even think they had been drinking! Hmmmm - I thought everyone drank on Saturdays.
4. We decided we needed more lights at 7:00. Dd and I went to get more. That would have pissed me off in the past - It's fine - who cares - Why do I always have to do it! - I shouldn't be driving anyway! (I would think that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
5. We stopped right in the middle - ate dinner and watched a movie - that wouldn't have happened in the past. I get a little hell bent on getting things finished when drinking. Let's just get it done even though dh wanted to watch a movie.
6. I did not wake up this morning to a sink full of dirty dishes - I actually did them before I went to bed.
Interesting .......
1. We put up our Christmas tree and I did not get in a fight with dh - that is a first!
2. He thought the tree was crooked so we took it back and got a different one - that would have pissed me off if I would have been drinking - who cares - it is fine - if we leave, I have to take a break form my wine! (I would have thought that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
3. While we were getting a new one - I saw 4 people I knew - I wasn't trying to avoid them bc they might smell the alcohol or I might act stupid. I don't even think they had been drinking! Hmmmm - I thought everyone drank on Saturdays.
4. We decided we needed more lights at 7:00. Dd and I went to get more. That would have pissed me off in the past - It's fine - who cares - Why do I always have to do it! - I shouldn't be driving anyway! (I would think that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
5. We stopped right in the middle - ate dinner and watched a movie - that wouldn't have happened in the past. I get a little hell bent on getting things finished when drinking. Let's just get it done even though dh wanted to watch a movie.
6. I did not wake up this morning to a sink full of dirty dishes - I actually did them before I went to bed.
Interesting .......
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Vulnerabilty
Yesterday I woke up, determined not to drink - prayed for the strength - determined to start this new life of mine - and then - in the evening - drank! Not a lot - 3 beers - but still - drank. Urghhhhh!
I received a post on the mmabsers list about vulnerability. Listened to the talk last night. It was very interesting. She talked about all of the ways we fight being vulnerable. The two things that stood out to me were - being busy to disguise our vulnerability and numbing any kind of feeling - good or bad to hide vulnerability. She also said that while vulnerability is the place of fear - is it is also the birth place of joy.
I think I might be in that place. I put on such a front that I have it all together, good wife, mother, teacher, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, co worker, etc. I try to be everything to everyone. Part of my problem, I think with admitting I have an "alcohol obsession" is that I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to burden anyone else (mother, children) with my problem. I don't want them to worry about me or be disappointed in me of I fail. I don't want to slip up and have a drink after I have announced that I don't drink and have people look at me the way they looked at my father - What is wrong with him? Is alcohol worth more to him than his family? That, I think, is a pretty deep seeded fear that I think I just figured out. I also don't want my friends to me disappointed in the fact that I don't drink anymore - I know they will be.
I am also starting to see that alcohol is affecting my relationship with dh. Not because he thinks I have a problem, but because I am always miserable. Not happy with myself for many reason including broken promises to myself (that no one knows about), not getting to the gym, having HO that I disguise as being sick, putting on a couple pounds. I know that I am definitely pushing him away. I just keep telling myself that as soon as I feel better about myself, I will open myself up to letting him love me. I have been telling myself that for years. I am not sure how much longer he should have to wait.
I just keep telling myself that I will secretly fight this battle with moderation. Just be really careful and not draw any attention to myself. It will definitely draw attention if I don't drink anything.
Here are the links for the videos I watched:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Thank you lulu!
I received a post on the mmabsers list about vulnerability. Listened to the talk last night. It was very interesting. She talked about all of the ways we fight being vulnerable. The two things that stood out to me were - being busy to disguise our vulnerability and numbing any kind of feeling - good or bad to hide vulnerability. She also said that while vulnerability is the place of fear - is it is also the birth place of joy.
I think I might be in that place. I put on such a front that I have it all together, good wife, mother, teacher, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, co worker, etc. I try to be everything to everyone. Part of my problem, I think with admitting I have an "alcohol obsession" is that I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to burden anyone else (mother, children) with my problem. I don't want them to worry about me or be disappointed in me of I fail. I don't want to slip up and have a drink after I have announced that I don't drink and have people look at me the way they looked at my father - What is wrong with him? Is alcohol worth more to him than his family? That, I think, is a pretty deep seeded fear that I think I just figured out. I also don't want my friends to me disappointed in the fact that I don't drink anymore - I know they will be.
I am also starting to see that alcohol is affecting my relationship with dh. Not because he thinks I have a problem, but because I am always miserable. Not happy with myself for many reason including broken promises to myself (that no one knows about), not getting to the gym, having HO that I disguise as being sick, putting on a couple pounds. I know that I am definitely pushing him away. I just keep telling myself that as soon as I feel better about myself, I will open myself up to letting him love me. I have been telling myself that for years. I am not sure how much longer he should have to wait.
I just keep telling myself that I will secretly fight this battle with moderation. Just be really careful and not draw any attention to myself. It will definitely draw attention if I don't drink anything.
Here are the links for the videos I watched:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Thank you lulu!
Friday, November 25, 2011
What am I grateful for?
Let's see - what am I grateful for (on terms of my issues with alcohol) :
1. The mmabsers list - which keeps gently reminding me the peace and joy that comes from sobriety
2. The mm list which got me to this place to begin with
3. Some personal friends I have made here (you know who you are) who are always checking in on me
4. I haven't ever been in trouble with the law when it comes to my drinking.
5. I haven't ever had the official "shakes", vomiting, seizures that come from full on physical withdrawal
6. I haven't lost anyone I love because of my personal struggles
7. I don't ever drink when I first get up to help with withdrawals
8. My family doesn't now that I struggle this much with my addiction
9. No one at my work know I struggles with this obsession
10. Everyone still loves me and basically thinks I am a good person
10. Everyone still loves me and basically thinks I am a good person
11. I still have the respect of my husband, daughter and son
12. I am healthy despite the toxin I keep putting in my body
13. I still have the ability to fight the fight.
I look at this list and it seems to be a list of potential disasters (#4 - #13) that could change my life forever if I don't get this under control. That is a little scary.
I am ultimately in control of the choices I make
I get something in my inbox called - The Morning Blessing. This is what it said today.
You are in charge of birthing all you desire through your beliefs,
through you engagements of energy, action, and thought!
As these move into your heart space you start to see
them become externalized as your life.
You are the only one that creates stages and outcomes
of situations that benefit your own Soul growth.
You, my dear self, have the ability in all abstract events in your
life to pull in divine intervention, to rearrange what doesn't feel good,
to rewrite the ending to any story.
The buck stops with you. You have the gift of coming
full swing into Godness if you choose.
All things, believe it or not, are at your beck and call and creation.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving cont.
I can't figure out why I feel so out of it, down, exhausted, depressed, weird. I went to my abstar number. I had drank 5 beers in the first 17 days of November. I have had 25 drinks (much of what has been wine) in the last 6 days! That probably explains it. I feel so down (not really a physical hangover - just down in the dumps) that I have "faked" bring sick with my dd (who really is sick) to not go to the family dinner. I sent my dh and ds without us. I am just so freaked out about wine being there and I DON"T WANT TO DRINK!!!!
Thanksgiving
So last night I really got back into the same mode I find myself in. I am just going to finish the wine in the house so I don't have any left. Ended up having around 4 glasses. No HO today - probably because I have drank 5 out of the last 6 nights - my body starts to get used to it. However - am having mental/emotional/spiritual HO. I just keep going down this road. Abs for a while - feel great - think I can handle it - have a little - do great - have a little more - do great - abs - awesome! - then either a WTF or many days in a row of 3 or four. I am starting to wonder of I am able to maintain moderation. I can do it for a while, but my drinking slowly increases - it might take a week, 2 weeks, a month, 2 months, but I always end up back at this place of frustration and sadness.
BTW - fight with dd was not really a fight. She wanted to do something that I would not let her do - she is 17 - if I wasn't drinking, it would have just been - no - sorry but no - I love you. Since I had been drinking - it turned into "Why can't you see where I am coming from? I am only doing what is best for you? I am just trying to be a good mom, blah.....blah...blah...while I was crying.....kind of tirade - she understood why I was saying no but also knew I had had too much to drink - I am not being a great role model - that is for sure!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Day before Thanksgiving
Last night I did have 2 glasses of wine. I haven't drank during the week for a few weeks. That open bottle in my fridge was calling my name. What did it do for me? nothing. How did it make me feel? not really any different since I had shot my tolerance through the roof with this last weekend. How did I sleep? terrible - two glasses of wine and I was having hot flashes and just could not get to sleep. It was almost like I had not drank enough to make me immediately fall asleep (only to wake up later) but just enough to not be able to go to sleep at all. I am really nervous about the rest of the week and the upcoming Christmas break. At the beginning of this week, I told myself that I am exhausted, out of shape, eating crappy, depressed and stressed out! I needed to just spend this week recharging my batteries. Instead I am falling back into old patterns of drinking, not sleeping well, running around doing things (I think I have ADHD and the alcohol calms me down), not eating well and making excuses not to go to the gym. I always think that if I can just get to the gym, everything will fall into place. Drinking last night (even just 2 glasses) killed my motivation this morning because I did not sleep well. Maybe stopping drinking, will help everything fall into place.
In my craziest, most wonderful dreams, I just tell everyone that I don't drink and I am so relaxed, content, proud with that decision. Why can't I just do it???
In my craziest, most wonderful dreams, I just tell everyone that I don't drink and I am so relaxed, content, proud with that decision. Why can't I just do it???
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Time to get caught up
I have not been doing very well at keeping up with my blog. I got an email from someone saying that they are going back and reading all of my history because he/she can relate to my struggles. I was a little flattered and felt like I should catch up. I post to a couple of lists - mm (moderation management) and mmabsers. I just went back into my sent file and pasted what I had been posting there for the last couple of months. As you can see - still struggling - still fighting - still extremely volatile - BUT - not giving up!
November 22, 2011
I sent this post to a friend who has been posting off list with me.
A little about me - 43 yo mother of two teenagers - been on the main for a year and a half. Tired of fighting - better (thanks to that list) but not where I want to be - joined mmabsers - LOVE the sound of perm abs - just not there yet - feel like I still want to try to moderate (I know - ridiculous, but honest). Binge drinker on the weekends since high school. Not a daily drinker, very high functioning - no big consequences other than the weekend hangovers which seem to be getting worse and the example I am setting for my kids. Tired of the hamster wheel, physical hangovers, mental preoccupation and the spiritual/emotional exhaustion.
The following is in response to "How did you do this weekend?" I have done awesome this month thanks to mmabsers - 5 beers the whole month until 3 days ago.
I did not do all that great this weekend. We rented a vacation home for Thanksgiving, had it early due to custody schedules with my sister. Had family Thanksgiving on Saturday. Had such an exhausting week last week - got off work early Friday since we were leaving, went outside on my porch at noon !!!!! and had a beer! I NEVER drink during the day unless on vacation. I told myself I would on have the one to relax and then get to packing. I wasn't driving up so guess what - had 3 beers altogether by 3:00. Got packed up and got to the vaca house. Then the wine was opened and I had 3 glasses over the course of the evening! Not good - slept terrible - you know awake at 2:00, heart palpitations, hot flashes, shaky, can't go back to sleep. Said I wasn't going to drink as much the next night.
Day 2 - Started cooking Thanksgiving dinner with my family and - you guessed it - started drinking - again in the afternoon - only beer at first - I do much better with that - but again the wine got opened for dinner. Total - 2 beers - 4 glasses of wine and a complete freak out session with my dd right before bed. Sooooooo disappointed with myself. Another crappy night of sleeping - same routine - said I wasn't going to drink the next day.
Day 3 - 2 beers - 3 glasses of wine - butt....as I poured yet another glass of wine and sat down, I said to myself, "What are you doing? No one around you is even drinking! The one person that was quit awhile ago!" I dumped it down the sink and drank three glasses of water before going to bed. Slept better but extremely exhausted yesterday. Did not drink and slept wayyyyy better last night. Now today - tired, depressed, angry, disappointed, etc.
I told myself that if I had one more hangover, I would abs for at least 30 days. That is what I should be doing, but I am scared - whole week off, unfinished bottle of wine in the fridge, Christmas parties, etc.
I don't even know where I can post this - I know all of my mmabsers will say - "You should abs - you will feel great!" (I know, but I just don't seem to be able to do it!) My mm friends will say, "Good job dumping that last glass. Dust yourself off and try again." (I know their intentions are good, but not helpful). I am so frustrated!
Oh and you said you overate! I feel like the Michelin Man - so bloated from alcohol, salt, sugar, etc! I just feel disgusting - inside and out!
From October 29
So let me get this right. Are you saying that I am not a loser, a failure, weak, wishy-washy? Are you saying that I may have a disease that I am powerless against IF I CHOSE TO DRINK? That I will never be able to control it, never be able to drink like other people? Never be able to have a beer in the sunshine? Never be able to have a glass of wine with spicy spaghetti sauce? But I used to - I haven't always been like this. I had a few years when I hardly drank anything. I had a few years where I drank normally. Are you saying that I can't ever get that back? Are you saying that the only true power I have is when I chose to give it up forever?
From October 13
So I have been at this long enough to know my pattern. There was a thread on withdrawal today. I do have withdrawal, every time I drink too much. I am talking about absing then having 6, not daily drinking. I am a binge drinker and have been since my early twenties except when I was pregnant. I do not drink every day, only on the weekends (until the last couple of years - make an exception on Thursday or Wednesday, etc.). I have not lost a job, gotten a DUI or been in jail. I am not a fall down, embarrassing drunk. I go to the gym, eat healthy and am a pretty responsible. I am a good wife, mother, daughter, friend and sister. No one tells me I have a drinking problem - but I know I am physically addicted and I know I have a problem.
Back to the withdrawals - I am not just talking about the day after hangover (which I do get). I am talking about Day 1 - complete waist of a day - tired, headache, dizzy, dull, can't think, unmotivated, Day 2 - utterly exhausted, can't sleep, foggy, groggy, Day 3 - heart palpitations, anxiety, anger, moodiness, exhaustion from lack of sleep, Day 4 - more of the same - maybe a little better but still really tired, Day 5 - most of the physical symptoms gone, sleeping a little better, still pretty tired, Day 6 (which I am at right now - BTW) - tired but starting to feel better and WHAMO!! that little voice starts appearing - "look how good you've done, tomorrows Friday, its been a long week, there is a neighborhood function Saturday that you have never gone to without drinking before - that doesn't sound very fun" IN THE PAST - Day 7 - try to moderate - only have 1 or 2 - yeah me! Day 8 - binge - this may happen on Day 8 or it may happen the next weekend or the weekend after that, but it ALWAYS happens. Start over at Day 1.
It took me a long time to recognize this pattern. I just always thought I didn't feel well, or I was stressed, or it was a long week, or I am just getting older, or, or, or ..... Once I started paying attention to the pattern I realized it couldn't be a coincidence...it had to be because of the alcohol. Day 3 always felt the same, Day 5 the same, Day 7 (if I got there) amazing!
I can feel that voice starting in my head, my heart beating faster with anticipation, the decision that has to be made, the lack of confidence because of all the failed attempts in the past ..... I really want to get through this weekend without alcool, but I am so afraid I will fail....
From October 1
Did you guys ever find that you got extremely sensitive when you were drinking (Not excessively). I just don't know what is wrong with me. I feel so sick of people. Everybody. My friend blew me off tonight. My other "friends" husband told my DH to take his drunk wife home last weekend. I wasn't even drunk and he has NO room to talk. I was even really hurt by some of the responses to my earlier post. I just seem to be taking everything so personally. I used to be pretty confident and have a pretty thick skin.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Not closed
Someone posted on my blog "Is this blog closed?" Well that is a very good question. Am I still working on my drinking? Absolutely! The problem is I just don't know where I belong - where I fit in. I am on two lists that I post to. One deals with moderation. I tried that list for almost two years without a whole lost of success. Better, but still bingeing 2-3 times a month resulting in a hangover. My goal all along was to not waste another day with a hangover. I get them pretty easily so it is a good gauge of how well I did the night before. Since I was not doing as well as I thought I should, I joined a group that supports abstinence. I was (maybe still am) convinced that this is the true road to happiness for me. But ....... I just couldn't/didn't want to abs on the weekends. I tried and tried and tried and it was torture not not be able to have that one glass of wine or one beer. Yah, I know that sounds like a problem. I have really been doing awesome the last three months in terms of no drinking drinking during the week and the last three weeks with only have one or two on a Friday or Saturday. I feel good. This feels OK for now. It is exactly how I want it to be. I guess i am not ready yet to give up on my moderating self. My only fear is that this will eventually/again lead to a Friday or Saturday night binge and a dreaded hangover. I am going to try to hard to never let that happen again. If it does, then I will again be looking at total sobriety. Some on my moderation list will say, "Good job, you have come so far and made so much progress - just be vigilant and persistent with your goals - don't let your guard down." Some on my abs list will probably say, "I am scared for you...I know where this could be headed....I speak from experience....you will be so much happier when you give up this struggle for good." Both are right! See - I just don't know where I belong. I joined a "By the Book" list but have not gotten any emails from that list yet??
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Back to business
I did drink again last night, but plan on absing at least through the week and next weekend. We really don't have anything going on next weekend that would make that hard (except for my own darn self). I am going to commit to a 12 day abs and take it from there. I am also going to go to the gym, got to bed early, drink my water, and eat well. See if just being more healthy overall will help with the absing. It is a strategy that I used to help me quit smoking.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Back to Square One
I absolutely love fall! I love the coolness in the air, the colors, the smell. I have not posted in a while because I have not had a whole lot of good things to report. It seems like my drinking has been slowly increasing again. I absed for around 14 days, maybe longer, I can't remember. It doesn't even matter now, because I am down i the dumps with yet another hangover. It started with a sip of a beer one weekend, then one beer the next weekend, then one beer on a Wednesday, then one on a Wednesday and Thursday and 3 on a Friday. Then 4 on a Friday and 5 on a Saturday. now - back to were I am trying to never be again. Last night was back to my old self. Hard week - I am just going to have some wine with a friend and relax. I didn't eat dinner, I didn't drink water. The first couple of glasses of wine were good, I kept it slow. I started to feel a little too buzzed and new I would get obliterated with more wine so I switched to beer. This is were all rationality left. My BAC was too high and the addiction in my brain took over. I was just guzzling beer like it was water. I even finished our friend's beer after he left because I didn't want any one to see me get up and get yet another beer. Grand total 7 drinks in 6 hours! No dinner! No water! No self esteem today! Please no sympathy.... only I am in control over my choices and I made some bad decision last night. Now I must pay the price.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Choice
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl
Viktor E. Frankl
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Day 2 - Again
Pretty depressed yesterday - again. Pretty tired today - again. Same shit - different day. I like how someone on the mmabsers list said, "The only way to stop drinking is to stop drinking!" I am going to try listening to some other more experienced absers who have said that you have to give absing some time. My thought process around alcohol is not going to get any clearer while I am drinking, even only occasionally.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Reflecting
The last month goes something like this:
abs 14 days - recovering - really committed to this new way of life
two sips of a beer - just sips - jeez
7 abs days
one drink - it is ok - just one - I am spending too much time working on all of this
5 days of abs - not thinking about it as much
one drink - hey this is OK - I can be a normal drinker
4 days of abs - start distancing myself for my mmabsers lists - too much time on the computer
1 drink - hey it os Friday - I have been doing well
4 drinks - well I don't know how that happened - but at least it was just beer - not wine
6 drinks - it was wine - so feeling a little down this morning
I see a pattern here - fewer abs days in between - alcohol consumption increasing.
I still think I am confused about what I really want. Do I want to:
A. Stop worrying about all this. Stop the obsessing. Sign out from all lists. Just live my life having a couple of drinks here and there? (I really am not that bad.)
B. Keep plugging away at moderating because I really don't want to never drink again, just don't want to have a problem. (Let's face it - I do have issues with alcohol.)
C. Abs forever - Well that may sound like the most peaceful (and truly what I want in my heart) - but a lot of work to get and stay there and kind of a drag.
abs 14 days - recovering - really committed to this new way of life
two sips of a beer - just sips - jeez
7 abs days
one drink - it is ok - just one - I am spending too much time working on all of this
5 days of abs - not thinking about it as much
one drink - hey this is OK - I can be a normal drinker
4 days of abs - start distancing myself for my mmabsers lists - too much time on the computer
1 drink - hey it os Friday - I have been doing well
4 drinks - well I don't know how that happened - but at least it was just beer - not wine
6 drinks - it was wine - so feeling a little down this morning
I see a pattern here - fewer abs days in between - alcohol consumption increasing.
I still think I am confused about what I really want. Do I want to:
A. Stop worrying about all this. Stop the obsessing. Sign out from all lists. Just live my life having a couple of drinks here and there? (I really am not that bad.)
B. Keep plugging away at moderating because I really don't want to never drink again, just don't want to have a problem. (Let's face it - I do have issues with alcohol.)
C. Abs forever - Well that may sound like the most peaceful (and truly what I want in my heart) - but a lot of work to get and stay there and kind of a drag.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Awake
I feel much better this morning. Have my coffee and am ready to roll up my sleeves and get some work done (which has not really been the order of business on a Saturday for along time). I am usually recovering form a HO. I am finding that I set the tone for this whole family. If I am working on projects, so are they. I fI am out having fun, so are they. If I am laying around recovering from a HO all day, so are they (not the HO part).
I did have one beer last night - I don't know why. Habit I guess. I am starting to wonder if my one once in a while are setting me up for another patch of difficulties controlling it. We shall see. I do want to remain predominately sober. I want to have a beer or glass of wine on occasion, but never get trashed. I do not ever want to be trashed again. I do not ever want another hangover. I really do reel that the pain of that is starting to outweigh whatever fun it may give me in the moment.
I did have one beer last night - I don't know why. Habit I guess. I am starting to wonder if my one once in a while are setting me up for another patch of difficulties controlling it. We shall see. I do want to remain predominately sober. I want to have a beer or glass of wine on occasion, but never get trashed. I do not ever want to be trashed again. I do not ever want another hangover. I really do reel that the pain of that is starting to outweigh whatever fun it may give me in the moment.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
AHHHHHH!!!!!!
How am I? I don't know...I had that one beer last weekend and was ok with that (I think). Then Tuesday night, for no reason at all, I decided to have a beer while cooking dinner. I really like to cook and I really really like to cook while having a "beverage". So I did...I thought...no big deal....then I thought....well I am already drinking/already blew it....I might as well have another. I stopped after 2 but still....I got that whole I feel really lazy, don't want to get off the couch feeling. I was really tired yesterday and really bitchy today. That is my pattern when I am withdrawing, but I don't think it could be a physical thing after only 2 beers. Do you? I think maybe I am just mad at myself. I have no idea if I am coming or going....or what I want to do. I don't want to post on the mm list, because I don't want to belong there anymore...and I don't want to post on the mmabser list - would feel like a hypocrate ....
I just want to not have to worry about this anymore...have a beer or glass of wine when I want to - keep it at 2 or 3 ALWAYS - only drink 1 - 2 days a week and not worry about it anymore.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Well . . . .
I had one beer last night. We went out with a bunch of friends for dinner and everyone was drinking. I thought about it and decided to have one. It really wasn't very good. I didn't even finish it. The waiter accidently brought one extra on his trip back with round two for everyone else. I said I would take it. I don't know why. I guess I am just so used to be being glad that everyone else was having two so that I could. Habits . . . Well, I only drank a third of that one. It tasted better than the first, but for some reason I just didn't want any more. In the past, I would have drank both of them and then talked everyone in to continuing the party back at home with some wine.
I am not happy with myself that I had one beer, but I am also not all that angry at myself either. I really liked the fact that I could stop at the one and really didn't even want any more. I don't know what will happen next. I still really want to live a predominately sober lifestyle. I don't want to drink during the week, alone, or during the day. I am tired of it consuming my every thought. I want to be able to have a glass of wine or a beer on a special occasion with friends. That is what I did last night. And now I won't drink again until another special occasion - and that does not count just being a Friday or Saturday night.
I am also starting to notice that I think I was one of the major contributors to why the women in the neighborhood drank so much. Now that I have calmed down and reduced my drinking, I think everyone else has as well, at least in public. I know many of them are still drinking (probably over drinking) every evening. It is interesting what you actually notice when you are sober. When I was the party girl on the weekends, everything would just go by in a hyper blur. I wonder how many people thought I was a total idiot. I just thought I was the fun girl everyone wanted to be around. Maybe they were either laughing at me of looked at me to make themselves feel better about their own drinking. I will not be that person anymore. I want to be one of the calm women, looking at the crazy, drinking women, thinking - I used to be like that. That really got old after awhile. I want to be one of the women having genuine conversations with others - really forming lasting relationships. Not hiding the next day because I may not remember everything they said to me when we were talking. Not just flittering around like a hyper social butterfly, only staying with one conversation until I lost interest in it.
I post on mmabsers and am afraid to post - I am afraid I let all of them down.
I am not happy with myself that I had one beer, but I am also not all that angry at myself either. I really liked the fact that I could stop at the one and really didn't even want any more. I don't know what will happen next. I still really want to live a predominately sober lifestyle. I don't want to drink during the week, alone, or during the day. I am tired of it consuming my every thought. I want to be able to have a glass of wine or a beer on a special occasion with friends. That is what I did last night. And now I won't drink again until another special occasion - and that does not count just being a Friday or Saturday night.
I am also starting to notice that I think I was one of the major contributors to why the women in the neighborhood drank so much. Now that I have calmed down and reduced my drinking, I think everyone else has as well, at least in public. I know many of them are still drinking (probably over drinking) every evening. It is interesting what you actually notice when you are sober. When I was the party girl on the weekends, everything would just go by in a hyper blur. I wonder how many people thought I was a total idiot. I just thought I was the fun girl everyone wanted to be around. Maybe they were either laughing at me of looked at me to make themselves feel better about their own drinking. I will not be that person anymore. I want to be one of the calm women, looking at the crazy, drinking women, thinking - I used to be like that. That really got old after awhile. I want to be one of the women having genuine conversations with others - really forming lasting relationships. Not hiding the next day because I may not remember everything they said to me when we were talking. Not just flittering around like a hyper social butterfly, only staying with one conversation until I lost interest in it.
I post on mmabsers and am afraid to post - I am afraid I let all of them down.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sooooooo tired!
I have figured out one of m triggers is being tired. I3 days into absing, I come home from work today, am exhausted, and had an overwhelming desire for a beer. I just wanted to sit down and relax. My wild child voice was saying, "You have worked hard this week - you deserve it. You have been doing great with absing, you deserve it. You will be Ok - just have one - you deserve it." I didn't. What scares me is that I have not totally dismissed the thoughts. Just keeping it real. |
Tuesday, August 24, 2011
Good bye, my wild child. I will not longer allow you to keep beating me down so that I continue to feed you. You never allow me to feel good enough for long enough to say goodbye. As soon as I start feeling better, you get worried and start whispering in my ear. While I am taking care of you, I can do nothing else very well I sacrifice everything for you-my confidence, self esteem, self worth, happiness. You are like a toddler, thinking you are the boss. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! |
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Interesting Observations
Last night we (dh, ds (sister) and myself) went to dinner.
Before - they would have had one drink / I would have had 2.
Now - they had one drink / I had 0 (not even a taste lol).
We watched a movie at her house.
Before - they would have had maybe one more / I would have had 3 - the rest of the bottle of wine.
Now - they had 0 / I had 0 - and not bc they were trying to support me - just bc they didn't want to.
We went home and went to bed.
Before - dh and ds went to bed and slept well / I slept crappy bc I went over my limit.
Now - we all went to bed and I, anyway, slept amazing!
Woke up this morning
Before - dh and ds feel fine / I feel like crap, guilty, depressed, anxious, pissed off
Now - We all wake up feeling fantastic - ready to tackle the to do list
Lesson learned
Before - I am really the only one over drinking and it would not have enhanced watching the movie or dinner in any way.
Now - I am not letting alcohol be part of all of my weekend activities. I feel really good, empowered.
Before - they would have had one drink / I would have had 2.
Now - they had one drink / I had 0 (not even a taste lol).
We watched a movie at her house.
Before - they would have had maybe one more / I would have had 3 - the rest of the bottle of wine.
Now - they had 0 / I had 0 - and not bc they were trying to support me - just bc they didn't want to.
We went home and went to bed.
Before - dh and ds went to bed and slept well / I slept crappy bc I went over my limit.
Now - we all went to bed and I, anyway, slept amazing!
Woke up this morning
Before - dh and ds feel fine / I feel like crap, guilty, depressed, anxious, pissed off
Now - We all wake up feeling fantastic - ready to tackle the to do list
Lesson learned
Before - I am really the only one over drinking and it would not have enhanced watching the movie or dinner in any way.
Now - I am not letting alcohol be part of all of my weekend activities. I feel really good, empowered.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Kind of a relief
It is Sautrday and I feel really good. I got a lot done today - felt great! It is really kind of a freeing feeling to not be planning who I am going to drink, when I am going to start, whose house it will be at, how many over what period of time, when I am going to stop etc. For the first time in a long time I am not a raving b*tch because I can't drink.
That little voice ....
I woke up at 6:30 this morning to the sound of that one little bird. Chirp .... chirp ..... chirp ...... Instead of saying, "Will that stupid thing just just up! i need just a little more sleep." I said, "Wow, it is 6:30 on a Saturday and I don't feel hungover, depressed, mad, anxious, embarrassed. i am going to be one of those people who get up, open the windows and enjoy the weekend morning!" BTW - I love birds - just not with a HO!
That being said, last night was not super easy. Things were kind of working in my favor. I did avoid the after school FAC. I don't think many people went, which helped. Everyone wasn't bugging me about going. It was not a beautiful, sit on the porch, chill kind of Friday afternoon. it was kind on rainy and gloomy - thank you God :) . My drinking friend didn't call - I told her I was laying low this weekend. But ... my dh had a couple of friends over and we watched a movie. They brought this really good home brew. I am kind of a beer snob and this stuff is good. I did have one drink to taste it. He asked me if I wanted to, and I didn't want to bring attention to the fact that I wasn't drinking. First off, the smell was repulsive - just the smell of everyone drinking beer around me. I had a taste - amazing! then something happened...I wanted another taste...so I had one (just a drink out of dh husbands glass). I contemplated having one glass of beer. And then my mind went to the next night and having just one glass of wine....what could it hurt? Interesting how I could be so determined the whole week and then just one little whisper from that voice and i second guess all of my sobriety goals. I did not give in to that "little voice" (thank goodness), but I did pay attention to it.
I am learning that I can't just push the thoughts out of my head and dismiss/ignore them. I need to deal with them and make conscious decisions about what I choose to do. Funny how it tries to sneak back in and get you to drink. I am trying to come up with a clever little name for this voice that is almost child like .... I want what I want and I want it now ..... and I don't care what you (the rational voice in my head) thinks!
Friday, August 19, 2011
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