4/6/16 (Wed) Shiny, happy people holding hands...

Do you remember that R.E.M. song?  (Click on the picture to listen)  I love this song!
I think of this song when I think of all the cyber "friends" I have who are sober and have been that way for awhile.

OK...I have a couple questions for you and I don't want all the pink cloud bs (I kinda do want that but I also want the reality and cold hard truth of it as well).

1.  How bad was it for you when you decided to quit for good?  (sometimes I just don't think I am that bad, not bad enough to quit anyway)

2.  How many times did you try to quite before it actually stuck? (I have seriously tried at least 20 times)

3.  Why did it finally "stick"? (no experience for me on this one)

4.  Was it as hard for you as it has been for me? (bored, depressed, lonely, isolating)

5.  How long before you really felt over it? (For example, I am an ex smoker and you couldn't get me to smoke with a gun to my head - absolutely no desire ever to smoke again)

6.. OK - now the pink cloud - How much better is it?

4/5/16 (Tues) Why is the bridge burning?

I read something somewhere years ago (don't remember where) that really stuck in my head. People with alcohol issues like to stand on a burning bridge over a river and ask all kinds on questions like how did the fire start? how long will it burn? what should I do? should I stay and stay to put it out? should I stay and hope I don't get burned?  Hey - how about stop asking so many questions and just jump off the damn bridge!

I was reading something last night about how people in recovery are obsessed with how and why they became addicted. Somehow they think if they can figure out the why, they can "fix" themselves and be able to drink again.

I certainly fall in to that category.  I am obsessed with alcohol period! Am I going to drink? Am I not going to drink? How much? What? What time? Should I take a naltrexone first? Then I would have to wait?

Then the next day - How much did I drink? Am I proud of myself? Am I pissed at myself?  Should I quit? Can I do better? What's coming up this weekend? month? summer that I want to be able to drink for? How did I get this way? Why can't I be a normal drinker? Maybe my nerotransmitters are messed up? What supplements should take to help? Maybe I have some kind of mental disorder that leads me to drink? Maybe it is my chromosomal disorder that causes my addiction? I wonder if I could quit? I wonder if it would completely suck? I wonder if my friends would still want me around? I wonder if I would still get invited places? I wonder if I would be bored all the time? I wonder if I could even do it anyways?  I wonder if I even need to? I wonder if I could control it if I just was more careful and tried harder?

ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I should just jump off the damn bridge and into the water instead of trying to figure out why, when, how, how long it has been burning!!!!

If not...I may just go down with it when I could have saved myself all along....

4/3/16 (Sun) Neurotransmitters

Why do humans like to get drunk? You asked Google – here’s the answer

Marc Lewis

In my wanderings around the internet, while being completely distracted today, I came across this article. It is spot on to everything I feel before drinking, while drinking and after drinking.  It totally explains the neurotransmitters and what happens to them while drinking and why I am addicted. It is pretty scary what alcohol does to keep me in the trap.  

It makes me feel better to know that I am not just imagining my addiction and issues.  It's not just an obsession.  I am not making a mountain out a mole hill which then gives me permission to brush it off and continue drinking.  My brain really and truly is screaming out for alcohol because  I have trained to to behave that way with years of abuse. 

But it also makes me hopeful because I think I can reverse all of that damage with sobriety.  I wonder if the damage is ever truly undone?  It seems that people who have gotten to that point struggle with the desire for alcohol for the rest of their lives.  That would be unfortunate.  

4/3/16 (Sun) Pros and Cons List

Positives of drinking:

Feel good for a couple of hours
Feel socially accepted and liked
Feel socially confident
Feel "happy" and relaxed
Feel like I have control
Feel celebratory

Negatives of drinking (EVERY TIME):

Not be able to sleep
Heart palpitations
Bight sweats
Be depressed for days
Anxiety days
Be exhausted days
Be distracted days
Not be productive
Feeling of failure

Positives of not drinking:

Better sleep
Less anxiety
Less sensitivity
Feeling of calmness
More productive/focused
More energy
More likely to work out
Feelings of pride
No "lows"

Negatives of not drinking:

Isolation
Boredom
Feeling socially awkward
Others feeling weird around me
Being different
Not fitting in
Depression
Fatigue (thinking about drinking gives me energy)
No "highs"

4/3/16 (Sun) Chronic, Progressive Problem

     

Interesting that I choose to say I have alcohol dependence.  According to this - it is the same thing.  I have all of those 4 things......

I do intuitively know that my body/mind is telling me it has taken enough abuse.  I do know that. I appreciate hearing that many of you had experienced the same thing.  I don't know if it was the natrexone, but why am I now taking another drug just so I can "handle" alcohol which ultimately I know I can't control anyway.  I really don't think I will become a "raging alcoholic" but I am just tired of the constant struggle.  I have heard of kindling and I know I have it.  My bad hangovers are always worse than the one before.  I guess since I haven't had seizures of tremors or the shakes of hallucinations I try to tell myself I'm not that bad, but I don't dismiss the possibility of that happening to me during the next particularly bad hangover.  I think I may have reverse tolerance.  I am not an "end stage alcoholic" (I don't even think I am an alcoholic - more like alcohol dependent) but that doesn't mean my body has just gotten to a point of rejecting it.  It's probably all about self preservation on a biological level.  I really should start listening to myself. I need to make some kind of card or mantra or list or something I can look at the next time I forget all of this and want to drink.  That addictive brain just overrides all of the common sense stuff that I already know.  I just need to tell myself, "I feel better when I don't drink and that I fell crappy EVERY TIME I drink no matter how much."  Last night I said, "I will only have two glasses of wine" which I did.  In the past I would have been very proud of myself and not had any physical consequences.  I guess those days are gone.  They do say it is a progressive problem...maybe this is what it means.

4/3/16 (Sun) Drank - extreme physical response to alcohol - back to not drinking

Ok, so I have a question for anyone out there listening.  I did drink 2 glasses of wine last night and no I'm not mentally happy about that but that's not my question.  My question is about how a body handles alcohol physically.  I had 2 glasses of white wine with dinner last night that threw me for a loop.  I didn't feel that great while drinking ( just kinda light headed and out of it - buzzed but not in a good way) and then at 1:00 am I am awake sweating, heart palpitations, nauseous, anxiety - not anxiety from beating myself up bc I drank but a true physical response to drinking.  I didn't even drink that much.  What is going on ???

Here are some things I am wondering...either

1.  I have just abused my body for so long with weekend binge drinking that I have developed some sort of hypersensitivity to alcohol. My body just doesn't seem to be able to process any amount at all.

2.  I do have a genetic gene mutation called MTHFR that makes it really hard for my body to metabolize folic acid which in turn keeps my histamine levels high all the time.  Maybe this is having an effect. However I have had this my whole life and this reaction to alcohol is getting worse over time.

3.  I did take a 1/4 of naltrexone pill (which I was doing before Christmas - see previous posts - and having some success with a reduction in binge drinking).  Maybe that made me sick last night - totally felt the alcohol more than I should and felt so bad during the night.  This could have had an effect but it is getting worse over time even when I don't take the pill.

Do any of you have any knowledge, experience, articles to read about any of this?  Any input would be appreciated.  I am kinda a research junkie :)  Experiences of others and written article really help me try to figure out what is going on with me.

I suppose it is a blessing in disguise bc what I really want, in my heart, is to not drink and be 100% fink with it (happy even) in all situations.  If it makes me sick I will be less likely to drink it.  It just isn't worth it!

Back to not drinking :)

4/1/16 (Fri) Nice restaurant/sister trigger- not going to drink - exhausted

It is Friday.  It has been a rough week for me.  Although I only drink on the weekends, last week was Spring Break (I am a teacher) and I drank the majority of the evenings - many times in excess.  As a result I have felt crappy all week.  Exhausted, brain foggy, unmotivated, head aches, body aches, can't get out of bed after 8 hours of sleep, grumpy, can't get off the couch in the evening (I think I have almost gotten through an entire season of Survivor on Hulu this week)....just pretty much down in the dumps and checked out from life.  I do pretty well at work because I have to.  You can't really fake it in front of 35 6th graders (which is why I don't drink during the week), but I do isolate from my teammates and just hide in my room during breaks.  I am just so tired.  I usually feel better by now, but every time this happens it gets a little harder and longer to recover.

I am not drinking this weekend.  My body/mind/brain/soul/spirit need a break from the poison. Today would typically be hard because it has been cold and snowy here all week and the sun is supposed to be out today.  Those of you that have followed me know how big of a trigger that is for me.  Sunshine in the spring on a Friday with a beer have derailed my sobriety plans countless times. Not today..I am sick of feeling shitty.

Tomorrow is another big trigger for me.  We are going to a nice restaurant with my sister and her husband for dinner.  I threw nine months of sobriety out the window last time at this restaurant with these two people last time.  Nice restaurant with a nice glass of wine....big trigger.  Not this time...I am tired of feeling shitty.

Instead of drinking today I am going to walk my dogs for a long time and then come home and watch survivor (whatever it takes). I am going to go to bed early and sleep for like 10 hours.

Instead of drinking tomorrow I am going to remind myself that this dinner is only two hours long. I can get through two hours without a drink and then I am in the clear.  What will drinking those two hours do for me?  I can just sit there and have a nice, calm (not hyper buzzed) time with people I care about. Plus if I did chose to drink I am no longer in denial that it would only be just one or two.  It is never just one or two.  I would drink a beer or two before we left (saves money at the restaurant -that is my rationale although that is stupid because it really never makes a difference of how much I drink once I am there - it is just an excuse to start earlier).  Then I would probably have two glasses of wine at the restaurant.  Then, they always get after diner drinks.  I would probably end up having at least five drinks even if I swore I was only going to have one glass of wine.  Then I would be right back in this same shitty place next week - one more wasted week.

It just isn't worth it....