4/3/16 (Sun) Pros and Cons List

Positives of drinking:

Feel good for a couple of hours
Feel socially accepted and liked
Feel socially confident
Feel "happy" and relaxed
Feel like I have control
Feel celebratory

Negatives of drinking (EVERY TIME):

Not be able to sleep
Heart palpitations
Bight sweats
Be depressed for days
Anxiety days
Be exhausted days
Be distracted days
Not be productive
Feeling of failure

Positives of not drinking:

Better sleep
Less anxiety
Less sensitivity
Feeling of calmness
More productive/focused
More energy
More likely to work out
Feelings of pride
No "lows"

Negatives of not drinking:

Isolation
Boredom
Feeling socially awkward
Others feeling weird around me
Being different
Not fitting in
Depression
Fatigue (thinking about drinking gives me energy)
No "highs"

4/3/16 (Sun) Chronic, Progressive Problem

     

Interesting that I choose to say I have alcohol dependence.  According to this - it is the same thing.  I have all of those 4 things......

I do intuitively know that my body/mind is telling me it has taken enough abuse.  I do know that. I appreciate hearing that many of you had experienced the same thing.  I don't know if it was the natrexone, but why am I now taking another drug just so I can "handle" alcohol which ultimately I know I can't control anyway.  I really don't think I will become a "raging alcoholic" but I am just tired of the constant struggle.  I have heard of kindling and I know I have it.  My bad hangovers are always worse than the one before.  I guess since I haven't had seizures of tremors or the shakes of hallucinations I try to tell myself I'm not that bad, but I don't dismiss the possibility of that happening to me during the next particularly bad hangover.  I think I may have reverse tolerance.  I am not an "end stage alcoholic" (I don't even think I am an alcoholic - more like alcohol dependent) but that doesn't mean my body has just gotten to a point of rejecting it.  It's probably all about self preservation on a biological level.  I really should start listening to myself. I need to make some kind of card or mantra or list or something I can look at the next time I forget all of this and want to drink.  That addictive brain just overrides all of the common sense stuff that I already know.  I just need to tell myself, "I feel better when I don't drink and that I fell crappy EVERY TIME I drink no matter how much."  Last night I said, "I will only have two glasses of wine" which I did.  In the past I would have been very proud of myself and not had any physical consequences.  I guess those days are gone.  They do say it is a progressive problem...maybe this is what it means.

4/3/16 (Sun) Drank - extreme physical response to alcohol - back to not drinking

Ok, so I have a question for anyone out there listening.  I did drink 2 glasses of wine last night and no I'm not mentally happy about that but that's not my question.  My question is about how a body handles alcohol physically.  I had 2 glasses of white wine with dinner last night that threw me for a loop.  I didn't feel that great while drinking ( just kinda light headed and out of it - buzzed but not in a good way) and then at 1:00 am I am awake sweating, heart palpitations, nauseous, anxiety - not anxiety from beating myself up bc I drank but a true physical response to drinking.  I didn't even drink that much.  What is going on ???

Here are some things I am wondering...either

1.  I have just abused my body for so long with weekend binge drinking that I have developed some sort of hypersensitivity to alcohol. My body just doesn't seem to be able to process any amount at all.

2.  I do have a genetic gene mutation called MTHFR that makes it really hard for my body to metabolize folic acid which in turn keeps my histamine levels high all the time.  Maybe this is having an effect. However I have had this my whole life and this reaction to alcohol is getting worse over time.

3.  I did take a 1/4 of naltrexone pill (which I was doing before Christmas - see previous posts - and having some success with a reduction in binge drinking).  Maybe that made me sick last night - totally felt the alcohol more than I should and felt so bad during the night.  This could have had an effect but it is getting worse over time even when I don't take the pill.

Do any of you have any knowledge, experience, articles to read about any of this?  Any input would be appreciated.  I am kinda a research junkie :)  Experiences of others and written article really help me try to figure out what is going on with me.

I suppose it is a blessing in disguise bc what I really want, in my heart, is to not drink and be 100% fink with it (happy even) in all situations.  If it makes me sick I will be less likely to drink it.  It just isn't worth it!

Back to not drinking :)

4/1/16 (Fri) Nice restaurant/sister trigger- not going to drink - exhausted

It is Friday.  It has been a rough week for me.  Although I only drink on the weekends, last week was Spring Break (I am a teacher) and I drank the majority of the evenings - many times in excess.  As a result I have felt crappy all week.  Exhausted, brain foggy, unmotivated, head aches, body aches, can't get out of bed after 8 hours of sleep, grumpy, can't get off the couch in the evening (I think I have almost gotten through an entire season of Survivor on Hulu this week)....just pretty much down in the dumps and checked out from life.  I do pretty well at work because I have to.  You can't really fake it in front of 35 6th graders (which is why I don't drink during the week), but I do isolate from my teammates and just hide in my room during breaks.  I am just so tired.  I usually feel better by now, but every time this happens it gets a little harder and longer to recover.

I am not drinking this weekend.  My body/mind/brain/soul/spirit need a break from the poison. Today would typically be hard because it has been cold and snowy here all week and the sun is supposed to be out today.  Those of you that have followed me know how big of a trigger that is for me.  Sunshine in the spring on a Friday with a beer have derailed my sobriety plans countless times. Not today..I am sick of feeling shitty.

Tomorrow is another big trigger for me.  We are going to a nice restaurant with my sister and her husband for dinner.  I threw nine months of sobriety out the window last time at this restaurant with these two people last time.  Nice restaurant with a nice glass of wine....big trigger.  Not this time...I am tired of feeling shitty.

Instead of drinking today I am going to walk my dogs for a long time and then come home and watch survivor (whatever it takes). I am going to go to bed early and sleep for like 10 hours.

Instead of drinking tomorrow I am going to remind myself that this dinner is only two hours long. I can get through two hours without a drink and then I am in the clear.  What will drinking those two hours do for me?  I can just sit there and have a nice, calm (not hyper buzzed) time with people I care about. Plus if I did chose to drink I am no longer in denial that it would only be just one or two.  It is never just one or two.  I would drink a beer or two before we left (saves money at the restaurant -that is my rationale although that is stupid because it really never makes a difference of how much I drink once I am there - it is just an excuse to start earlier).  Then I would probably have two glasses of wine at the restaurant.  Then, they always get after diner drinks.  I would probably end up having at least five drinks even if I swore I was only going to have one glass of wine.  Then I would be right back in this same shitty place next week - one more wasted week.

It just isn't worth it....

3/31/16 (Thurs) Selfish/not drinking this weekend/30 days

It is interesting to me how selfish drinking really is.  I am not going to drink this weekend and it changes the way I think about it.  When something comes up like taking my nephews to church for my sister or doing something my mom needs done, my thinking shifts.  When I know I am going to drink, my thoughts go to, "Well, I am not going to want to sleep in, or what if an impromptu neighborhood party happens, of what if everyone wants to get drinks after work on Friday, or what if is sunny Friday after snowing all week and I want to sit outside with a beer, or I don't want to be responsible for driving." It's not like it's fully conscious thoughts its more of an underlying thought of keeping my options open just in case an opportunity to drink comes up. Its about not making any "non drinking" commitments to anyone just in case.  It all is a bit selfish.  And stressful.  And exhausting.

3/30/16 (Wed) Has my flame gone out?

Yes....My flame is barely a flicker.  Every time I drink excessively I feel like my wick barely even has a bit of smoke coming off of it.  I takes me 4 days to get it back to a low burning level where I actually want to participate in my pwn life.  My BIGGEST problem is that when I finally start feeling better (which happens to be the next weekend - welcome to the world of a weekend binge drinker), that is exactly when I feel like drinking again.  Why do I time and time and time again forget how lousy I feel after drinking and how long it takes to recover?  I am not a stupid person - I have a masters degree, am a teacher of 20 years, have a loving family, a nice house and great friends.  Why can't I figure out how to stop the insanity.  Scratch that...I know how to stop the insanity....the real question is....why don't I?

3/28/16 (Mon) Spring Break Failure - drank 8/12 days - did do 30 in January but then started again

This is how I feel today.  First day back to school after a terrible Spring Break.  I have drank 8 out of the last 12 evenings.  The ONLY days I did not drink were because I had such a bad hangover I couldn't.  I am utterly and completely exhausted.  I didn't drink at all in January, but since then it hasn't been good.  Only on the weekends except for this week, but EVERY Friday, Saturday and usually Sunday I am drinking and with a vengeance.  Back to going upstairs in the hotel to "make popcorn" but also guzzle another beer (after I've already had 5) getting obviously more drunk than everyone else....back to getting another beer at the ski lodge bar and guzzling it while my kids were skiing and my sister was in the bathroom.  I'm talking an IPA draft beer in 10 minutes...back to already having 2 bloody marys by 1:00 pm because it is sunny and we are skiing...back to only sleeping 4 hours EVERY SINGLE time I drink - I wake up heart pounding, sweating, feeling like a "f"ing idiot...back to no energy, no motivation, no real inner peace and joy just all of the internal chaotic bullshit noise that that is either screaming and plotting for the next drinking occasion or beating myself up for the last one.  Just plain ridiculous!