Wednesday, March 30, 2016

3/30/16 (Wed) Has my flame gone out?



Yes....My flame is barely a flicker.  Every time I drink excessively I feel like my wick barely even has a bit of smoke coming off of it.  I takes me 4 days to get it back to a low burning level where I actually want to participate in my pwn life.  My BIGGEST problem is that when I finally start feeling better (which happens to be the next weekend - welcome to the world of a weekend binge drinker), that is exactly when I feel like drinking again.  Why do I time and time and time again forget how lousy I feel after drinking and how long it takes to recover?  I am not a stupid person - I have a masters degree, am a teacher of 20 years, have a loving family, a nice house and great friends.  Why can't I figure out how to stop the insanity.  Scratch that...I know how to stop the insanity....the real question is....why don't I?
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7 comments:

  1. kiki71March 30, 2016 at 8:34 AM

    I hear myself in your writing. I ask myself all the time when I am hungover "I am not a stupid person - why do I keep doing this?" I have an MBA, great husband, beautiful home and a love/hate relationship with wine. I'm on day 4 - we can do this! We're smarter than alcohol!

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    1. ksusierMarch 31, 2016 at 5:20 AM

      We can do this! Day 5 today. Kinda looking forward to an alcohol free weekend.

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  2. UnknownMarch 30, 2016 at 10:30 AM

    I'm saddened to hear you sounding so low. Addiction is tough. In my experience, you need a bit of time away from the drink before you can get to the "why" of it all. It's hard to come by good answers and many of the addiction truisms don't work so well for me. But I am so relieved that I don't drink anymore. I feel like what you're writing about here -- I feel like I have my life back, or my flame as you do nicely put it. If you need support, or if there's anything I can do, let me know. xo

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    1. ksusierMarch 31, 2016 at 5:21 AM

      Thanks! Just keep reminding me how great sobriety is.

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  3. AinsobrietyMarch 30, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    The problem with being intelligent is we think we can calculate a way to keep drinking.
    I hear you. My engineer brain didn't like the idea I couldn't handle booze.

    But, deciding to take a year off gave me a goal and a game plan. And then I opened my mind to the truth. I am an alcoholic, I am not just a heavy weekend drinker.

    And even better, life without booze is awesome. My old calculations were all flawed.

    Hugs

    Anne

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    1. ksusierMarch 31, 2016 at 5:23 AM

      I hear you..I'm not that bad...I can control this...I just need to try harder...that is the way my addicted brain works. I just want to be able to have a drink without it getting out of control. Scratch that...I want to be happy with never drinking again...I don't know what I want :/

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    2. ksusierMarch 31, 2016 at 5:23 AM

      I hear you..I'm not that bad...I can control this...I just need to try harder...that is the way my addicted brain works. I just want to be able to have a drink without it getting out of control. Scratch that...I want to be happy with never drinking again...I don't know what I want :/

      Delete

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