Week 1 - Celebrations and Struggles (1/2/18)

Week 1

My celebrations

I do already feel more motivated to get things accomplished. I wake up, think about what I need to do and get started.  When I am actively drinking on the weekends, I just don't really care. It is a weird feeling that is hard to explain. Nothing seems important. Everything can wait and I only get done what is absolute necessary.  I am not talking about only when I have a hangover, but everyday and remember I typically only drink on the weekends. I just become really unmotivated and kind of like I am wandering through life. A couple of days ago someone said to me, "What happened to you? Your Christmas tree is still up. You used to be on top of stuff."  He was joking around but was right. It was always down before I went back to school  I used to be so motivated and such a go getter. Somehow, even when sober and without a hangover, alcohol took that away from me.  There are so many things around the house that need to be done, I just have kind of let everything go to hell.  I don't really clean very often any more.  I used to clean once a week. That might be a little excessive, but it is better than never.  Just another example of all or nothing. It's like just a sense of not really caring, or not really caring enough to do anything about it.  Another example, I used to clean my hot tub every six months. Now, I not only never sit in it, but haven't cleaned it in 2 years - gross! Maybe with alcohol out of my brain and body, I will get back to my normal self of being responsible, organized and motivated to tackle the tasks of my life. I already feel a little more that way after 8 days.

My struggles

My sleeping is terrible and my dreams are so stressful. I wake up with a pounding heart bc of dreams such as being late, not being able to find my clothes, fighting with people, smoking (which I haven;t done in 20 years), going to school high on pot (I don't even like pot), driving around in stolen cars, people telling me I am fat, missing my flight......just super stressful, crazy stuff.  It is like my brain goes crazy while I am sleeping.  I do know this will get better the longer I am sober.
The more worrisome struggle is the little voice already creeping in my head.  My sister called to talk to me about my 50 bday coming up. She wants to take me to a spa and out to lunch. Then we talked about going to dinner.  Well....guess what came into my mind...alcohol.  The thought that popped was, "It is your 5th birthday, for pete's sake, no one will judge if you have a couple of glasses of wine on your birthday." I started getting that hard to explain excited, giddy, fun, anticipation for that day to come feeling.  My other voice said, "You pinky-promised your daughter you would stay sober for one year so she wouldn't have to worry about you when she moved. You also promised yourself because you didn't want to turn 50 with all of this struggle. You wanted to do it differently this time." .... "Ya, but drinking just on that one day doesn't mean you can't still continue your sobriety. It's your birthday and a big one! It will be fine"..."Ya but you know that if you drink on that one day, you will feel disappointed and it will no doubt lead to rationalizing more drinking and then you will end up in the exact same spot you have been in for years and are trying to avoid."   I am getting anxiety and even feel my hands shaking a bit typing it. I swear, I feel like I am schizophrenic with all the voices in my head battling each other!
What I decided on, just for the moment, to quiet all of those voices down was, "Not today."  I will worry about that day when is gets here. It causes me too much anxiety to deal with that kind of mental battle to think about it today. In fact, thinking about it may cause me to drink today, so I'm just not going to think about it after I finish this blog.  Or at least try not to think about it.  If those voices sneak into my head, I'm just going to say to myself, "Not today." I'm am going to focus on the here and now.  I am not drinking today, and I am grateful for that. I will enjoy being clear headed and focused on what I need to get done today and remember how good I will feel tomorrow waking up hangover free and proud of myself.