Friday, January 12, 2018
A close call 1/12/18
Last night was close. I am off for the next 4 days (my dh has surgery today and it was already a three day weekend). i was talking to my neighbors over the back fence. They are both retired and were drinking. If she would have said, "Do you want to come over and have a beer?" I think I would have said yes. I even lingered a little longer in the conversation kind of hoping she would say it. She did not and I went inside and went to bed. I said to myself, "If she texts me and invites me over, then it was meant to be and I will do it. Everyone will understand. I have a big birthday coming up. I will just start the day after my bday. That is totally reasonable. I will just have 2 and be done. I can allow myself the privilege of drinking if I just do it responsibly. This whole quitting thing is stupid anyway. I wish I would just keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone." I was so close. I did not have any desire to get myself a beer alone, but I would have gone over there. No one was home, I was by myself and I think I was tired.
Well, she did not call and I did not go. My daughter actually did call and we talked for over an hour - which wouldn't have happened had I gone next door and been drinking. I would have ignored the call bc I would have known she would be able to tell and then I would have felt bad AGAIN...bad about drinking, bad about breaking my promise, bad about being weak, bad about ignoring her call and probably would have felt more than just super tired (still slept crappy) this morning.
One very important thing I noticed was that after an hour (maybe even thirty minutes) of laying in bed watching Intervention: The Heroine Triangle (wondering if I really am just like them to some degree craving my drug of choice), the intense craving really did go away. I thought to myself, "If she texted right now, I probably wouldn't go." I really didn't feel like it anymore. It wasn't that I talked myself out of it or had some his aha moment. The craving really just subside when I ignored it and did something else. I didn't do anything to make it go away, it just did.
Plan....when it happens again, it is critical that I just do something else (even if that means going to bed) for 30-60 minutes and see if the craving goes away on its own. See if that stupid voice (rationalizing to me why it would be ok to go next door and have some beers at 4:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday would be a good idea) goes away with really no work on my part except patience. Maybe while I am waiting I will also eat something and drink some water too.
I am glad I didn't drink yesterday. I don't think I would have gotten up today and said the opposite - I am glad I drank yesterday.