Today is my birthday and I feel extremely anxious. My sister (the one I have broken my long term sobriety with every single time) and I are going to lunch, having a spa day and then going out to dinner with our families. I really just want the day to be over for multiple reasons:
1. I don't like being 50 - it is old - I don't feel 50. I haven't had trouble with any other age, but I have always thought 50 was old and now I am old and the thought of it sucks! I don't even want to talk about it or have it brought up. I was kind of hoping nobody noticed. I am old, fat, out of shape, unmotivated, exhausted, depressed, over sensitive, anxious - I know that sounds terrible - just how I feel right now. I certainly don't feel 50 and fabulous.
2. I know and admit that I do want to drink today. It is a big day and I can't even enjoy it. I know that is so stupid, but how I feel. I would be so pumped for the day if I knew I could have a nice glass of cold white wine with lunch and then another with dinner. Maybe a cold IPA beer when I come home and shower in between. It's my day, I should be able to do what I want and enjoy it. One day isn't going to make that much difference and nobody will think badly of me considering the day. Heck..I would even forgive myself.
3. I am not going to drink but am worried that I will have anxiety all day over wanting to. I really wish I cold cancel everything, crawl into bed and just cry all day. But I won't. Everyone planned all this stuff for me and I need to be gracious and appreciative and try to enjoy my day.
First of all, I hear you. I really do. I’m 47 myself and I totally get the 50 thing. And I get the celebration angst. I felt this way all day on my day one, worrying about a family dinner with no wine for me. And. Then it was fine. No, it wasn’t a blast, but it was fine.
ReplyDeleteHere’s what I think you need to do. Start planning tomorrow. Tomorrow is your REAL birthday celebration and you and only you are in charge of it. What are you going to do to mark this special day? If it were me, I would tell my husband that I’m going to take the day for myself. Get up and get out the door. Start with a relaxing coffee someplace cute. Then shopping for birthday treats just for me. Then home to a bubble bath and book.Plan the entire day for yourself doing things that make you happy. And think about it today whenever you feel anxious or blue.
Chin up - you can do this!
Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteGood advice above.
It might not be as fun the first time, but it can be good.
I didn't want to be an old drunk lady. Not cute.
xo
Wendy
I’m sorry this is hard. It is hard. It’s hard to be addicted to alcohol. It’s hard to change.
ReplyDeleteAnd because it’s hard, those who do it will tell you it is so worth it.
The alternative is that things stay as they are and most likely slowly get worse. Life becomes less manageable. Perhaps our not gets become realities.
50 is just a number. Today is just a day. Put yourself first.
Happy birthday.
Anne