I posted this last Thanksgiving
I am so tired...there has to be something better than living the high highs and the low lows that comes with drinking. I just don't seem to be able to give up the high highs even though the low lows have just become impossible to deal with. It isn't really even all about the terrible hangovers and wasted days that I suffer at the hands of wanting the high highs. It is also the numbness, sadness, lack of motivation, irritability, anxiety, insecurity that comes with the all the times between the high highs and the low lows. Just my day to day life has become uninspired, a kind of what's the point, monotonous, lackluster, blah, just going through the motions kind of existence. Unless it is Thursday, Friday or Saturday (when I look forward to drinking) I just really have a hard time enjoying anything in life anymore.
It's almost like I live in this fog of existence. I just don't look too closely at anything...my dirty house, my lack of working out, my laundry that needs to be done, my poor eating habits, my grumpiness towards other people, my insecurities about everything. I just kind of go through my day uninspired, just trying to get through it so I can go to bed. Unless I am looking forward to drinking, actually drinking or suffering a hangover, this is how I feel most of this time.
I have also found that I have a new reason for drinking - to just numb out even more. Sometimes when I drink on the weekends, it isn't to have fun, party, socialize. Sometimes it is just to sit on my couch, by myself, drinking, watching tv and numb out.
This was November 2011
Last night I did have 2 glasses of wine. I haven't drank during the week for a few weeks. That open bottle in my fridge was calling my name. What did it do for me? nothing. How did it make me feel? not really any different since I had shot my tolerance through the roof with this last weekend. How did I sleep? terrible - two glasses of wine and I was having hot flashes and just could not get to sleep. It was almost like I had not drank enough to make me immediately fall asleep (only to wake up later) but just enough to not be able to go to sleep at all. I am really nervous about the rest of the week and the upcoming Christmas break. At the beginning of this week, I told myself that I am exhausted, out of shape, eating crappy, depressed and stressed out! I needed to just spend this week recharging my batteries. Instead I am falling back into old patterns of drinking, not sleeping well, running around doing things (I think I have ADHD and the alcohol calms me down), not eating well and making excuses not to go to the gym. I always think that if I can just get to the gym, everything will fall into place. Drinking last night (even just 2 glasses) killed my motivation this morning because I did not sleep well. Maybe stopping drinking, will help everything fall into place.
In my craziest, most wonderful dreams, I just tell everyone that I don't drink and I am so relaxed, content, proud with that decision. Why can't I just do it???
Is there some help you can get? Can you see your doctor? Can you consider AA might have something to offer?
ReplyDeleteIt’s so hard o do this alone. And your posts break my heart. So much suffering.
Maybe it’s time to ask your family to help you. They will.
Thanksgiving is a perfect time to tell them you are suffering and need help.
Hug
Anne
Read this. Maybe it will speak to you...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.lauramckowen.com/blog/2017/11/23/the-importance-of-being-uncomfortable-in-your-skin
Thanks, Anne. I did read it and it did speak to me. I especially liked when it said - the goal isn't to stop drinking - the goal is to love yourself enough to not want to drink....true
DeleteAhhh. I wanted to comment and then read Anne’s link above and it is just so so so spot on. Thinking of you. The decision to quit drinking and to start the process that will eventually take you out of this hellish carousel is HUGE. It will change your life in the most beautiful way, there would not be so many people in long term sobriety if that was not the case. Thinking about alcohol when you are still totally under its spell makes it impossible to see things clearly, though. I cannot imagine if the only thing I ever looked forward to anymore was getting drunk with my sister on the weekends. That is seriously depressing but I totally understand because I used to think that way too. I think having people to go through the really hard part with is so helpful - the white knuckling bored out of your mind part, until one day you wake up and feel like the spell has maybe been broken because you are laughing like you’ve never laughed before and just realized you haven’t thought about drinking in two days, not in a real way. And then some time goes by and you have some actual interests and there is not enough time in the day to do/see/read everything that your soul now craves instead. I know you probably roll your eyes at this and think maybe you are just different. I was the woman who spent many a Thanksgiving “sneaking” away to fill my wine glass over and over and waking up crying in the middle of the night. It sucked and was the fucking worst and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy so I want you to know I get it, I never imagined I would be on this side of things.
ReplyDeleteThere was this horror movie about this beast who lived in this woman’s house terrorizing her. In the end she locked the beast in the basement but had to bring him fresh worms to keep him happy. I want you to know that my commenting here is not because I am a bored person living my boring sober life just trolling the internet trying to convince drinkers to get sober. (I maybe secretly believed this about sober commentors once upon a time.) This is my offering of worms to contain my beast. This life is AMAZING and you don’t have to live this way anymore! Reach out! Sending you love and good thoughts❤️
Anne is so right.
ReplyDeletePlease reach out for help.
I did, and it made all the difference.
xo
Wendy