Shut Up!!! (Mon) 11/20/17

I feel like my has multiple personalities:

OK, glad I feel better today. Yesterday I was so tired, wanted to isolate, ate crappy, had a stomach ache and let's admit it - had a hangover.  I do remember why I quit - because I was tired of feeling this way.  The only way to get to this supposed "life is better sober" side is to go though a period of not drinking. How long? who knows? a year? two years? never? I don't know. It isn't guaranteed I will ever be happy (with or without alcohol). But I have to try. I have to give sobriety a chance. I have to try. I have been weekend drinking for so long that I really do know it is not the road to happiness. But not drinking doesn't seem to be the road either. Maybe I just haven't given it enough time. Maybe I could just try harder to be an occasional drinker. OK that's bullshit and I know it. I have tried that for the last ten years. I know that once I decide I'm drinking again, it eventually becomes every weekend and more often than not over drinking and hangovers followed by just a lethargic, depressed way of living. Why can;t I just moderate? because I have a brain that is physically addicted to alcohol. Once it is in, I want more. One drink becomes three (which is enough for a hangover) - one night a weekend becomes two or three, one weekend a month becomes every weekend. Every. Single. Time.  Why can't I be happy without alcohol? because of what the anonymous blogger ingeniously wrote, "because is it the story I am telling myself." I still believe I need a drug to be social, excited, happy fun - to basically enjoy life. IT IS A DRUG! Dumb-ass!  You are addicted to a drug and it sounds incredibly asinine to say I can't be happy without it!  Ok back to quitting. Ok wait - maybe January 1. It will be hard to do over the holidays now that I drank again. Ya but do I want the holidays to be spent as I have spent many of them in the past? Yes having fun drinking, but also over drinking, exhausted, depressed, anxious? Are you willing to waste another December on all this bullshit. Maybe February 1 since I have a big birthday in the middle of January. Yes that's it quit for good in Feb.  That sounds like a good plan. A good plan? That sounds like a rationalization of a drug user.  I feel like I have multiple personalities living in my brain constantly fighting with each other.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTT  UUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!!!!