No denying it....I have broken my sobriety and am so confused. I drank three weekends ago with my sister. I drank two weekends ago, again with my sister and I drank last night....with my sister. Not only that, Thursday night I drank two beers in secret before anyone got home from work and two more Friday night in secret. Here I was sneaking around the house, peeking out the window watching for any cars to pull up so I wouldn't get caught. Thursday, I told myself just one but I couldn't stop myself from having the second. And then I felt a little disappointed when everyone started coming home. I just don't even know where to begin. I am so confused. Today I am disappointed in myself and just confused.
When I think about drinking in the future - it all seems so good. I hear myself say - finally - I can now enjoy my life again. I can go out of town, or out to dinner, or hang out with friends, or go to that brewery. Finally! I don't have to be bored or different or depressed or left out. I can actually look forward to things again. I can have fun...be fun again. Not drinking sucks!
And then sitting here in the quite of the morning, writing about my failure, I remember how drinking was never fun except while doing it (or anticipating doing it). I remember the reasons I wanted to quit. I remember that it takes joy from me, steals my energy, my self worth, my motivation for getting in shape, my sleep. It gives me anxiety, heart palpitations, insomnia, depression and makes me act in ways that I don't like. Drinking sucks!
It seems my life will either be fun, exciting, social, accepted but anxious, exhausted, obsessed
or
my life will be boring, depressing, uneventful but rested, less anxious, in better shape.
Both options suck. They are both depressing and I honestly don't know which one to choose. I really want to choose moderation where I drink only occasionally - not an all or nothing thing. Why can't I just have that?
I really am beginning to hate my life and I hate that I am saying that! I hate alcohol and I love alcohol. I can't happily live with it and I can't happily live without it. It sucks!
The depression and boredom only lasts for a while and then your life opens up when you quit. If you quit for a couple years moderation won't be so important to you anymore. I find in the quitting stage it is best to not worry about forever and just worry about now. Then you start to feel better and are in a better place to make the forever decision.
ReplyDeleteThe depression and boredom are relentless and I hate it!
DeleteNothing is stopping you from embracing a drinking life. If you truly feel that is the only way you can be happy and have fun, why are you trying to quit?
DeleteThe purpose of life is not to live in denial...what would freedom mean to you?
Addiction fogs your thinking. I empathize because it takes some time to clear your thoughts of the desire to drink whether it be for celebrating or just because you feel sad. It sounds as though your sister is a trigger for you. It also seems as though she isn't very supportive. Perhaps some distance would be of benefit to you. It is inevitable that you will experience many ups and downs on your path to sobriety. It is very difficult and thought proving but it will pale in comparison to the peace of mind you will feel when you get to the other side. Please consider therapy. This can be done privately and help you get to the source of the problem, You deserve to live your best life but only you hold the key.
ReplyDeleteThank you. My sister is a trigger but not because she isn't supportive....more because I like drinking withe her. It is hard
DeleteHi, I have been reading forever and just wanted to say I am sending you good thoughts because where you are is a really tough place to be in. I promise sobriety isn’t boring forever but I am sending you so many good thoughts because I remember that feeling too well. I have been following your blog for a long time and I relate to you a lot because you describe the feeling I had where I got really really hyper and sort of manic while drinking. I want you to have the happiest holiday season and I am worried for you because that “will I or won’t I?” IS such a terrible place to be and drinking like we do during the holidays is so loaded with the potential to be sort of super disastrous because of the expectations we have for them and also the feeling that we have permission to drink because it seems like everyone else is. I think reframing my thoughts was really helpful when I got sober, like instead of thinking about it as being boring I thought of it as being peaceful. I know everyone has their own really cool moments where it clicks more but that was so helpful to me. Anyway I hope you find what makes sobriety click for you - keep searching for that thing/things like it’s the holy grail because it is AMAZING over here. Much love!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I feel like you do "get" how I feel. It is such a roller coaster. I was so strong a couple of months ago. Then is just all falls apart
DeleteHi KS
ReplyDeleteWhat is the longest time you have spent sober? I know I read it in your blog but now I can't remember for sure and don't want to assume.
In my so very limited experience of myself and others on this wonderful blog, I have never seen a person who has had some serious time sober think or say:
"my life will be boring, depressing, uneventful but rested, less anxious, in better shape"
The real difficulty is getting the time between us and alcohol. The longer we can spend without alcohol the better our decisions can be.
for the benefit of our whole life, what is just one year of expected doom? Easy to say but really hard to go an do it I know, but you are writing this and talking so deep down you know you don't want to be drinking.... it's just getting through the mud to the other side :)
M xxx
9 months is the longest since I was 17. Pretty pathetic actually. How long before it isn't boring and depressing?
DeleteHi xx (warning long rant)
DeleteI know we are all different and I would love to hear what Wendy and Anne have to say about the time under the belt theory. Another good one is Lotta Dann (Mrs D goes Without) .http://livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.co.nz/ which I am sure you know - but she really tells it like us - no sugar coating at all. Anyway a year or so ago she went on TV as she has a well-known husband and it shocked everyone that there is such a thing as an alcoholic housewife who is in her 40's. She re-wrote her blog so the first year is chronicled by months and I reckon a year is a REALLY great aim.
I have to say (except for the "pink cloud" which I didn't experience) I agree with her month by month feelings.
I can honestly say that if I didn't go a year, I would have tried to moderate at the 8 month mark and even at 10 I was thinking about it (hey Michelle just wait to the year is up and then you can start again). Even at a year I thought and even said "when we go to Japan in March I will drink if I want to, I am an adult and I don't want to miss out on Sake".
I was totally shocked by my reaction to a hangover/next day feelings after a year. It wasn't so much the drinks I had on day 366 and my behaviour (which wasn't great) it was the fucking lonely-arse feeling that I don't ever want to feel again.
For years I have been living that and it's not until now that I recognise it is completely alcohol induced.
Now I still have problems but they are different and not compounded by alcohol.
NOT in anyway to diminished the destruction to our mind and body from cancer - but my daughter put it so well "if you have cancer mum, not drinking won't make it go away, but at least it will be one less problem"
So true
Lots of support and love to you KS
M xx
PS without the distance/time sober I would have put up with those horrible feelings again
DeleteI 100% agree about the hangover. It is such a lonely, isolating feeling - to just want everyone to go away, the day to pass quickly and just go to bed.
DeleteNone of this is easy so I feel for you and all of us going through this journey, and it is so brave to be talking about it x
ReplyDeleteIt is actually scary as shit to admit that I drank. It takes a lot for me to write about it. It is easier to just ignore my blog so I don't think about it.
DeletePlease stay no matter what, talking it the way forward no matter what :)
DeleteRecovery is a process and you are so damn brave
M xx
Thank you! I don't think I would use the word brave to describe me.
DeleteI’m sorry you are back trapped in the circular thinking. That addiction cycle of will I, won’t I, screw everything...I’m doing whatever I want...I wish it was different...I don’t want this. Over and over.
ReplyDeleteI can only say that my life used to revolve around drinking and socializing and fun and that I was sure without it things would be boring and bleak. I used to avoid non drinker.
My life is anything but boring and bleak now. It is full and joyful and hard and real and frustrating and satisfying.
But I’m only bored when I choose to be.
Sneaking drinks is a scary place to be. I see people who do this, and, because I have done it myself, I can tell a mile away. People who drink smell like alcohol. They act different.
When I was sneaking drinks my biggest issue was I then ended up drinking more to make up for it and it hurt me.
It’s hard to hide from what we know. When we lie to ourselves it becomes very very tiring.
I hope you find your answer. Until then take care of yourself. Keep noticing and evaluating. Maybe ask for help...
Thank, Anne, for always sticking it out with me - through my ups and downs. I always just expect people will roll their eyes, think "will she ever learn" and turn away.
DeleteJust checked in on a whim and saw this post. So sorry you're still struggling Ksus. I feel your pain with the sneaking. Alcohol is a cunning and baffling enemy.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of friends who live very happy sober lives (as do I) so I do hope you know that this dichotomy you've set for yourself (fun...obsessed vs bored...in better shape) is only true to you because it's the story you're telling yourself--it's not true for a lot of people so it doesn't have to be true for you. There's a difference between white-knuckling abstinence and being happily sober, I promise. It can be done, but for most people more things need to change in your life than just subtracting the alcohol. Of course, you've already heard my advice over the years--LOL, so I won't blah blah blah at you. But please do know that I'm sending good thoughts and prayers in your direction. <3
Thank you Lulu! It is great to hear from you and I'm glad you are doing well. You are right it is only true bc it is the story I am telling myself. I had the story changed for awhile but then this old narrative just found its way back into my head.
DeleteI am going through the exact same thing. I quit alcohol completely for over a year, then began drinking in secret. Hiding my drink in coffee cups, hiding empty cans in the garbage. My husband is a daily drinker so we have booze around our home. I had stayed sober as we have a child at home. Someone has to be responsible. Well threw it all out the window last weekend. Drank with friends on Friday night. Invited out Saturday and I had a driver, so I power drank for at least 3 hours. After returning home, my child had abdominal pain so severe we had to take her to the e.r. There I sat, my husband glaring at me, he said they knew I was drunk at the hospital, that they could smell the beer on me. I was filled with shame and worry. My child was just fine. The guilt, remorse and shame I feel are overwhelming. I know I don't drink like a normal person. I drink to get drunk and don't stop. Today is Monday and I am going to try to start over, again.
ReplyDeleteSome say I am brave to keep posting and I don;t really believe them. Then I read this and I think I agree bc I think it is really brave for you to post this experience. It is so hard to live up to our mistakes and admit shit. I'm right there with you.
Delete