Emotional Rock Bottom - need some help 11/25/17 (Sat)

Yesterday was terrible.  I didn't feel too bad physically except a bit of a stomach ache, super tired and craving shit food. I think I drank a root beer for breakfast had chili rellanoes for lunch and a hamburger for dinner.  I never eat like that and today I am bloated and my eyes are practically swollen shut from crying and eating too much salt.

My debilitating hangover was emotional. I was an emotional mess.  I know the majority of it is the alcohol.  In the last month that I have unsuccessfully attempted moderation, I have gone right back to the over emotional, over sensitive, irritable, unmotivated, grumpy version of myself. I am even getting super paranoid that people are talking behind my back saying awful things. I told myself that if I could just drink, I would be happy again. Even during the first fifteen days in which I only drank 3 weekend nights, I still felt a little down, insecure and sensitive.

Outside I was "I am fine. I got this. Don't worry about me".

On this surface level inside, I was "Finally, I can enjoy my life again. I can have fun. All of a sudden I can look forward to the holidays, our trip to the mountains, my birthday, next summer, visits to breweries, going out to dinner, getting together with my sister, sitting in the sun.  I can do this. I just need to be careful and try harder to moderate. I can have the best of both worlds."

But somewhere below that surface level of thought I knew I was disappointed in myself, knew that this was not a good idea, knew my kids would be disappointed and worries, knew my dh would not like it, knew how many times I had tried this in the past, knew that I had to delete my sober counter on my phone which had accumulated 134 (almost 5 months) of sober days.

10/29 (after 134 days of sobriety) Drank at dinner with extended family that was here for a funeral after I had just told them the day before that I don't drink anymore. Had two glasses of wine with my sister on the back deck of her new house (just on a whim - just because I wanted a glass of wine - damnit!), went to dinner and had 2 more big glasses of wine.  Got loud and dominating during dinner.  My whole personality changed - I felt like a crazy person had taken over my brain.  I did not make a fool of myself (although I did wonder the next day if other people in the restaurant were watching us as we were all loud and if anyone knew me) but also was not proud of my loud behavior.  I really want to be the respectful, quiet, listening, communicating type instead of the loud, interrupting, dominating, not listening, kind of hyper out of it type that alcohol turns me into. It was a really nice restaurant and I barely remember what I had for dinner.  Salmon I think, but I can not tell you if it was good or not. I was way to focused on the fact that they had Kim Crawford on the wine list and that I could drink it again. That I had given myself permission to once again enjoy life. I was really giving myself permission to once again act like an idiot.

11/11 (2 weeks later) invited my sister over for dinner and played cards.  Went ok. Stayed away from the wine. Only drank beer - 2 high alcohol ones and one light. Did lie to dd about having 3  - told her I only had 2. Was a little bored because I would much rather have the buzz of wine. Beer makes me fat and tired.  Wine gets me much more hyper - which I like.

11/12 Had 2 beers on the back porch in the sun with dh. Thought - this is nice. Seems like the only time him and I can have real conversations with him is when I am drinking.  I don't know why. I guess maybe I don't have the patience when sober which is not good. We have drank together our whole lives and it is the only way I know how.

Thanksgiving Break (let the downward spiral begin)

11/16  (Wed) - drank 2 in secret- one was slamming a cherryrita in the garage (which I don't even like) but knew dh would be home soon and needed to get as much alcohol in my body before I couldn't.

11/17 (Thurs) same thing as last night - slamming in the garage and hiding the cans.

11/18 (Fri)  I honestly can't remember but do know I drank

11/19 (Sat) Went to dinner with ds and her family. Nice restaurant - had 2 huge glasses of wine. Went to brewery after - had an IPA (high in alcohol) and went to a movie. Got in a stupid fight with dh about how expensive the wine was and how he doesn't like me drinking whine bc it makes me mean. My kids knew and I am sure thought, "Great! Mom is drinking again so they are fighting again about stupid stuff." I feel terrible when my kids aren't proud of me.

11/20 (Sun) hangover - felt really guilty

11/22 (Tues) same thing - slamming in the garage and hiding the cans.

11/23 (Wed) same thing - slamming in the garage and hiding the cans.

11/24 (Thurs - Thanksgiving) Probably drank 1 1/2 bottles of wine over the course of the day. 

Yesterday - overly emotional. ultra sensitive, cried much of the day.  Had a conversation with ds about how he and his sister are becoming emotionally exhausted with "dealing with me." Of course he said it way nicer and more sensitive than that, but that was the idea.  I just got these overwhelmingly guilty feeling of being a bad mom and sharing way to much of my struggles with them.  He suggested I go see someone - someone that isn't worried about me (ie him and his sister) and could give me objective feedback.  From the mouths of babes - as they say. 

Today - just feel like an emotional wreck. I am a mess and I think I need some help.  My marriage is a mess, my self esteem is a mess and I worry I am negatively impacting my relationships with my kids as well.  I am going to go get some help.  I told my dh and he is terrified.  He doesn't believe in counseling and thinks it will just make me leave him.  I told him that is not my intention - no guarantees but my goal is to be happy with my current life. To find happiness in myself so that I can hopefully be happy in my life and marriage.  I told him I have to. He thinks that if I just quit drinking - everything will fix itself.  I told him that I don't know if I can stop drinking (and be happy sober) until I try to fix myself. 

I feel like I have hit emotional rock bottom.

I am scared - scared to deal with my shit - scared of where this path will lead - scared I will end up hurting people - scared it won't work - scared I won't ever truly be happy.....

but like I told him - nothing changes if nothing changes so I'm going to try. I don't know what the future hold but I am sick of living like this. He cried but understood.

Not I just have to do it....