Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Spring - 68 Days

Tomorrow is the first day of March.  I am so excited.  I live in Colorado where it is beautiful all year, but I am so excited for spring to get here.  There is just something about March 1!  And this March 1 I can say I have been sober 68 days!  It has been rough at times.  I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have had more than one huge craving session.  It has been really nice to not have a hangover and to be able to do anything on the weekends with my kids without having to think, "Well, I don't want to do this or commit to that because it may get in the way of my weekend partying." I have been proud of myself.
But ... I have also been very depressed, angry, melancholy, bored out of my mind, irritable, lazy, isolated basically having a pity party for myself.

Tomorrow I am going to change all of that.  I CHOOSE this.  I WANT this.  There is a reason ( or maybe 20 years of them) that I DECIDED to make this decision.  No one forced me too.  No one told me I couldn't drink anymore.  In fact, if I wanted to, I could.  I could try moderating again.  This is the first time I have absed for this long, and the first time I have ever shared my struggles with others.  I don't think anyone would think badly of me if I did try.  But ... I don't WANT to.  I want to be sober.  I want to give this a real shot.  I want to wait until month 4 to see how I feel.  I WANT to do this.

I need an attitude adjustment and the best time of year for me to do that is spring.  I am 68 days.  I am not even going to think about moderating until I am at least 120 days (if ever).  I am going to get off the couch, off the computer, out of bed,  and start living my life again.  I am going to stop eating sugar and processed carbs, get to the gym, go to yoga, walk my dogs, leave work at a decent time and go to bed early.

I know those sunny afternoon on the porch, when the sun is just starting to warm my soul again,  are going to be a killer without my beer or glass of wine, but I just have to get through it and remind myself why I am doing this. For once in my life I need to honor the promises I have made to myself. This is my life!  I need to start choosing my life.  What do I want it to be? No one can change it but me.

2 comments:

  1. Ok Lady, you need to get out of my head. Im 3 posts in and have an increadible relation thing going on here its insane. WE are both new-er to this sobriety thing. You should read my blog, probably the improper thing to comment but I quit drinking for 40 days once and you will see in that post why I did it and how I pulled it off. It was because I knew I could drink if I wanted to, and guess what I eventually did. Your introduction says you are unsure if you are an alcoholic. My post "the man who held up the mirror" is my A-Ha moment that would change me forever. Obsessing and yearning for alcohol, especially while trying to abstain is writing on the wall my friend. I'm really hoping I can help, reading your story is helping me already and you have more days than me!!
    Something that sucked to read, but actually helped a lot when I was trying to feed both beasts, "you cant". You cant feed the beast of positive thinking about how much better you will be if you are also feeding the beast of negative characteristics of a binge drinker/alcoholic. "How can I go to this party, I cant drink" "sitting on the porch in the warmth and beauty wont be the same without a drink bumping it up a notch"... its subservient and will cause depression and will end up isolating you in what feels like a "your a bad girl so you cant drink anymore" does this make any sense? I think you are doing freakin amazing, just save all the food for the good beast, the one that makes you certain what tomorrow will bring. Not the other asshole who has robbed you of nothing but time and happiness :)

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