Sunday, February 19, 2012

Better today

Thank goodness I feel better today.  We took our son to see a college basketball game last night.  It was pretty fun. Not something I would have done in the past (would have been home partying with friends for sure on a 3 day weekend).  You couldn't drink in the stands, but there were obviously a few of the adult parents of college students that had been.  They were loud and obnoxious.  They thought they were so funny, but to almost everyone else they were just annoying.

There was an area up above with windows to the game where you could drink.  In the past I would have really been feeling that pull - Do I want to go up there? Absolutely, they seem to be having fun. Should I go up there? No, it wouldn't seem right when I have my ds and his friend with us.  Do I wish my ds wasn't here so I could go up there?  No!  That's not being a good mom (OK maybe sorta,  now I feel guilty about even feeling that way) Can I have fun without drinking while all those people up there seem to be having a great time?  I guess I will just have to try (aka this kinda sucks).

Instead, I was really glad I wasn't drinking.  Most of the people were missing the game - isn't that why we were there?  It reminded my of the smoking area.  It just always seemed so ridiculous to me that people would freeze their asses off to go outside for a smoke - no judgement - I smoked for 15 years.  It just seemed like maybe they just couldn't get through the game without having a beer.  I don't know - it just seemed a little pathetic.

I know that if I would have gone up there, the whole evening would have looked different.  It wouldn't have been about taking my ds to a basketball game any more, it would have been about - I am not ready to leave yet...I made some new friends and am having fun...probably would have ended with dh mad at me and ds giving me that "let's go" look through the glass. That makes me feel so guilty even thinking about it.  I am soooooo grateful that I was strong yesterday and didn't wake up feeling guitly.

It took me 6 months to start living again when I quit smoking.  I was a mess for six months - just thinking that everything was going to suck without smoking.  This is the exactly the same as I feel now with alcohol.  Now I could care less about smoking.  I have no desire and am so glad I quit.  I just have to have faith that I will get there with alcohol as well.  In the end that is what I want.  If I would have caved last night (even if I could have kept it at one), I would have ended right back up in the mentally obsessed, all consuming hell hole I just left.  I have not gone 57 days just to have to do them all over again!

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