I can't believe it...two years sober! When I was in my depths of despair, struggling with desperately wanting to quit but being terrified of not being able to find joy in life while sober I never thought I would be able to say "two years sober". I was so jealous of all the sober happy people out there but I just could never seem to maintain my sobriety longer than a couple weeks or months.
I am so thrilled to say, "I am sober AND happy!" It is possible. It takes some time and some perseverance but it can be done. For the first year of sobriety, I struggled with fear, depression and loneliness. Unfortunately, I didn't really experience the "pink cloud" in the early days. I think this was because I had already experienced the rewarding feeling of waking up every day without a hangover or regrets of my behavior the night before so many times in the past only to fail a few weeks later and slide back into drinking. It was almost like I had given up on the pink cloud because I was afraid it wouldn't last anyway and it wasn't a novel experience anymore.
I spent the first three months being terrified, asking for help, going to IOP every day for 3 hours for 6 weeks, and learning all I could about my addiction. The biggest thing I learned in IOP was that even though I wasn't a daily drinker, hadn't had a DUI, hadn't lost my job, or my family....my thinking patterns were the same as everyone else in the group that was "worse" than me. I was on that path. I was starting to sneak drinks, drink in the morning to try to feel better (only twice and it didn't even work...but still), have angry outbursts while drunk, get super emotional and overshare with people, embarrass myself, not remember everything, not respect my husband when he said he wanted to leave, etc. I had spent so many years battling this mental addiction in my own head but now it was starting to rear its ugly head publicly and I was starting to show behaviors that scared me. When I listened to the people in my group that had lost everything, that were daily drinkers/drug users, that were in legal trouble, I didn't look at them like "that's not me...I'm not that bad" like I would have in the past. I looked at them like "I have the same mental struggle as them, I recognize myself in them, alcoholism is a slow, progressive disease and that will be me if I don't stop drinking."
After IOP and I started a new school year, I am not going to lie, it wasn't easy. I switched schools which was super difficult because I was new and having a hard time connecting with people. I couldn't do my usual of going out with colleagues to drink on Friday and then having that comradery on Monday laughing about all the fun we had. I really wasn't sure where/if I even fit in. I found myself becoming very insecure without my social assistant of alcohol. I just avoided all social situations because I was afraid they would just suck. I really do think I have some pretty severe social anxiety now that I don't drink. I am not sure I ever learned how to socialize sober as I had been a weekend party drinker since I was 18. I was also constantly looking for external validation. I was having a hard time even believing in myself as a good teacher without someone telling me I was. I was incredibly insecure which I had never been in this area before.
The same was true with my friends. No one called me anymore. Maybe it was me..that I always called first to make plans so I could drink, maybe they didn't change at all, but I was super lonely. I didn't feel like I even had any friends anymore. I felt like no one liked me anymore now that I didn't drink. I am sure that isn't true but was also feeling terribly insecure in this area as well. No one even checked on me to see how I was doing. I was sad. So I had no support at work, I had no friends anymore, I had nothing to do on the weekends, and my family was kind of a mess as my sisters and I were still having problems. My daughter moved away and my son was a college. I become pretty depressed. These feelings weren't new as I had them every time I quit. Loneliness, boredom, insecurity and social anxiety are always what caused me to start drinking again in the past.
Incredibly, I didn't want to start drinking again. This was a first! I think the IOP journey had opened my eyes to what I could become if I didn't quit and I knew how miserable I had been for years trying to quit so drinking wasn't an option. That was a new feeling and I was incredibly grateful I wasn't having cravings. Plus my husband, kids, and family were so incredibly supportive and proud of me for quitting. I did not want to lose that. Although I was proud of myself, I am not sure it would have been enough. The love and support of my family and knowing how proud they were of me....THAT is what got me through.
So year one, was just staying sober, sitting on my couch, feeling insecure at work, and being pretty lonely. Year two I decided I need to take action to not feel so lonely. Slowly I have tried to get out of my comfort zone. I have begun to take the time to reach out to friends we had back in high school. It was terrifying at first as I have never socialized with them sober and didn't know what they would think. Like everything else, it has been just fine...great actually. They still drink and I am fine with that and we still talk and laugh and support each other. I am really enjoying having sober conversations with people where I am truly listening to what they say instead of always thinking about what I am going to say next and just waiting for them to pause. I am really listening and asking questions and actually remembering what they say so I can ask them about it later. It feels really nice to be a calm sober listener rather than a hyper, buzzed talker. I think I always drank more than any of them but never saw it. When buzzed, I always thought that everyone else was on the same level as me...I am realizing that was not the case which is a bit embarrassing but helps me stay sober as I don't want to be that person anymore. My family has even told me that I was always drunker than everyone else and they knew I had a problem for a long time. I NEVER knew they thought that.
I am also trying to make time to get together with a neighbor I have always felt a deep connection with. She is not much of a drinker so I never really gave her much of my time and energy in the past because I would rather be drinking, but I really like her so have been trying. She is such a good listener and super supportive so I need to keep trying.
I am realizing it takes effort and energy on my part. It is so easy to sit on my couch, watch Netflix and do nothing. I can't just sit around waiting for someone else to call me and feeling sorry for myself when it doesn't happen. Everyone is busy and time just slips away. I have realized that people not reaching out to me is not personal. Everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with and time passes. I need to make the effort because it is what I need. I need to meet my own needs, not wait around for others to meet my needs.
I have made a couple of friends at work that I have actually shared with that I don't drink. One of these is super nice and supportive and is an attentive friend, which I have found I need. She texts me every morning to see if I worked out...kind of an accountability coach. She is going to help me climb my first fourteener later this summer. She is a super kind person and I want to develop my relationship with her further.
I have reconciled with one of my sisters. I put my own feelings aside for the cousins and it resulted in us reconnecting which feels really good. My other sister is now not talking to me but I am confident we will also get through it and re-establish our relationship as well. My relationship with my mother, husband, and kids has never been better. I am so much less focussed on me and my problems that I can finally focus on what other people's needs which, ironically, makes me happy. This year has been extremely uncomfortable and scary but worth it. It just feels really good. I feel really good.
The other thing that has kept me going these past couple of years is the change I have seen in myself. Physically, I feel so much better. My anxiety level is a million times better. I never have night sweats or heart palpitations anymore. I sleep SO MUCH better. I can't emphasize that enough. Even on nights when I don't sleep well I still feel better than when I was drinking. I may feel physically tired but I don't have the mental fog/grouchiness/anxiety I used to have when not getting enough sleep.
Emotionally, I feel like a different person. I think it might be true as my family has noticed a huge shift in this area as well. I feel calmer, gentler (if that makes sense). I don't obsess about stuff as much. I still get in that OCD loop but I am much better at dragging myself out. I just don't get as overwhelmed and stressed out. I am not nearly as sensitive and volatile in my emotions...much more even keel. I may not get a hyper as I used to be but I also don't get as emotional or agitated either. With the high highs came the low lows which just weren't worth it anymore. I am able to be there for everyone all the time at any moment. There have been a few scary incidents this past year, one that involved taking my husband to the ER at 2:00 am. I can't even express how grateful I am that I was sober and able to deal with that. My son was home and as terrified as I was. I don't know if I could have forgiven myself if I would have been drunk and he had to deal with that/drive us there. There have been a few occasions like that and I just feel like a more responsible person when I am sober. It is an incredible feeling. Drinking was so selfish. All I cared about was having my drinks on the weekends. To never have to worry about if I can drive or what if this happens or that happens or whatever and I am too drunk to deal with it is a very freeing feeling.
I am also way better at dealing with conflict. I am better at not having to justify and explain my every decision to everyone. I used to be obsessed with making sure everyone at least understood my perspective if not also agreeing with it. I think it came from insecurity in myself. I was on a constant quest for external validation because I didn't value myself. It was exhausting. Now I can make a decision and as long as I know it was the right decision for me and I feel like I am a good person, it doesn't matter as much what anyone else thinks. I am so much more emotionally stable than I have ever been. I used to be convinced that my perspective was right all the time and if someone didn't see something the way I did, it was my job to get them to see it my way. Looking back, that seems incredibly self-centered and egotistical. I now realize that everyone does not see things the same way I do and (1) that is OK and (2) doesn't make then wrong. All I can do is be the best person I can be. Everyone else needs to "do them." I just need to "do me." If I am happy with me and feel like I am treating others with kindness, I am ok even if other people aren't ok with me. Don't get me wrong, it still bothers me a great deal but I am learning to be patient and let things work themselves out without having to force it...to control everything. I am learning I am a bit of a control freak...I am also working on that.
My goals for year three are to finally get my self-care in shape. To really work on working out, doing yoga, meditating, eating a mostly plant-based diet while eliminating sugar and junk food, and getting tasks completed around the house. Maybe actually even finishing a book! I spend way to much time on my computer, my phone and in front of the TV. Netflix saved me my first year but is killing my motivation now! I have become very lazy and am having a hard time sticking to a schedule. I go down these rabbit holes of distraction constantly in front of a screen and lose entire days. I start off the day knowing what I want to get done and then doing none of it and eating crappy on top of that. I still find myself struggling with the all or nothing mentality. "Well, this day is already shot so I might as well make some popcorn and then eat some ice cream while binge-watching something completely stupid on Hulu like Love Island. Maybe I won't even shower today"....so embarrassing and ridiculous.
My other goal is to keep my social progress going. It won't take care of itself. Keep reaching out, working on relationships, connecting with more people, maybe find something to volunteer doing. I have been asked to interview to become a CASA - court-appointed special advocate. Or maybe get another job as an adjunct professor at a local university. I have been emailing someone about that also. I hope to retire in a couple of years so I could use the money. Thank goodness I quit drinking before I retired. That would have been a disaster. Now I have to get this social, self-care piece worked out before retirement.
This may have all sound awfully braggy, but I really am proud of myself and have a right to say it LOL! I am such a better person sober. I do still get sensitive and grumpy and selfish and lazy and controlling and overwhelmed and have terrible social anxiety bordering on panic attacks that I have to work through but I am working on it. Now that I am not using all my mental energy trying to get sober, I can work on other things.
Surprisingly, I noticed a lot of people have checked my blog lately, maybe to see if I made it to year two. I just want to tell you that sobriety is possible and not only that....happiness in sobriety is possible. I would have never believed it two years ago and I wasted ten years fighting it, not believing it was possible (after 20 years of loving drinking). If you are in that lonely dark place I was, don't waste any more time fighting it. I can't believe I am saying it...but living sober is so much better. Close you eyes and imagine you feeling better than you have ever felt, emotionally and physically. Imagine being so proud of yourself and the pride you feel knowing everyone else is so proud of what you have done. Now open your eyes and realize that is it so completely possible. Don't waste all those years, fighting it like I did. Give in to the fact that addiction to alcohol is always stronger as long as you are trying to control it. Addiction always wins as long as you are engaging with it. The only way to win is to give it up completely... don't feed it as it only gets hungrier and eats away your soul. An old high school friend, the one I was worried about the most, whispered to me last weekend when no one else could hear....."I am so proud of you. It took a lot of courage to admit you had a problem and so much strength to do something about it." I cried :) Anything is possible.
Onward and upward! Things can only get better from here! I have an amazingly supportive husband, the best son and daughter anyone could ever ask for, a rewarding career that I love and friends and family that love and care about me. Life is good :)
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
Monday, April 20, 2020
April 20, 2020 The good and the struggles
The good
I have been sober for almost two years. I NEVER thought I could stay sober this long and I am so proud of myself.
I am thankful that I really don't crave alcohol anymore. I still miss what alcohol gave me - release, connections, a good time, something to look forward to, the high highs of the anticipation and the buzz - but I don't crave the drug itself. I do struggle with depression still, but my anxiety is way better. I don't think about it, want it, contemplate having it, struggle with urges...none of that. I don't wake up in the middle of the night sweating with heart palpitations, wondering how badly I had embarrassed myself the night before. I don't beat myself up for days about more broken promises to myself. I do not obsess about alcohol anymore which I am incredibly grateful for.
I am also so much better equipped to deal with life now. I feel like I have so much more control over my emotions. For example, I don't know if you remember but one of my sisters and I had a huge falling out with our other sister over four years ago. It was incredibly traumatic and has been so difficult for me to not have any connection with her but especially with her kids. She did some pretty mean things and I had a very hard time dealing with it. I obsessed, typed essay length texts and then never send them, cried for many months, lost sleep, etc. My emotions were out of control. I was drinking then. Even though there were plenty of good reasons for what happened to happen, four years later it just seemed stupid. We are three sisters in our 50's fighting....so ridiculous. When my daughter cried to me that she missed her niece and nephew I had had enough. I was done with it and swallowed my pride, reached out and stopped the stupid drama. I did and am so thankful to have her and her kids back in my life. In doing so, now the other sister, who I have had a relationship with for the past four years, will not only not speak to me but is being super mean saying things like, "Have a nice life" which is incredibly hurtful. Even though I am incredibly hurt by her words, I am dealing with all of this so much better than I did when I was drinking. The biggest change is that I do not get triggered as easily. I know she is saying really mean stuff and trying to make me feel guilty like I threw our friendship away by making up the other sister. She is trying to upset me, otherwise, she wouldn't bring saying such hurtful things. I seriously just don't get as mad. Of course, it bothers me a lot and I really hope we get through this, but I can see things a bit more objectively now. I am confident in the decision I made even though I know it hurt her which I have sincerely apologized for more than once. She is just going to have to decide if she wants to forgive me and have me in her life. There isn't anything else I can do. I am less sensitive and don't take things as personally as I did when I was drinking. As you know, I only drank on the weekends but that drinking wreaked havoc on my emotions every day of the week.
The struggles
I am currently struggling with insecurity. I don't know why but all of a sudden I am in need of recognition and constant validation that I am doing a good job - especially professionally. I have gotten better in my personal life around this but worse in my professional life. I have never been like this. I am a good teacher - I know that. I go above and beyond for my students and take my job really seriously. I find myself getting super resentful of teachers who are lazy and don't do anything. This has especially gotten bad for me with this remote learning. I seriously work 7 hours a day teaching and helping kids understand the material. When I hear that other teachers aren't even giving assignments, it just irks me. And then this need for validation is driving me crazy. Like - isn't anyone noticing how hard I am working. I don't think so. Then I go to...then why even bother. Why? Why, in my 50s, do I have this need to be recognized or acknowledged for how hard I work? I used to say I am not going to drink today. Now I say I am not going to send any emails looking for validation by trying to kind of passively point out what I am doing. Why can't me knowing that I am doing a good job be enough? Why does my sense of value need to come from the outside?
My other struggle is still the same as what it was two years ago. I am lonely. I need to make some friends and do stuff. I had made this a goal and even started a "tribe" of four friends. We were going to read books, have lunch, just talk. Then all the stay at home orders came and it all kind of stopped. I miss my daughter incredibly badly. She lives far from me and we are so alike and enjoy many of the same things. My husband and I are fine we just have different interests. He still enjoys having his couple of beers on the weekends but tries to respect me by not drinking around me so we end up just watching tv in different rooms. My son is remote learning for college at home which is nice, but again...different interests. I watch these shows on tv of women who actually have other women friends who support each other and do stuff together and am jealous. Alcohol used to do this for me but now that I don't drink, I am left out of that crowd and it is hard.
PS - After posting this I searched: 50 and insecure
I found this article 5 Things to Do When you Feel Insecure and want to remember it, especially these two sections which really spoke to me. I need to get off Facebook as I compare myself to how great everyone else's life is and I need to find people in my life who really get me.
I have been sober for almost two years. I NEVER thought I could stay sober this long and I am so proud of myself.
I am thankful that I really don't crave alcohol anymore. I still miss what alcohol gave me - release, connections, a good time, something to look forward to, the high highs of the anticipation and the buzz - but I don't crave the drug itself. I do struggle with depression still, but my anxiety is way better. I don't think about it, want it, contemplate having it, struggle with urges...none of that. I don't wake up in the middle of the night sweating with heart palpitations, wondering how badly I had embarrassed myself the night before. I don't beat myself up for days about more broken promises to myself. I do not obsess about alcohol anymore which I am incredibly grateful for.
I am also so much better equipped to deal with life now. I feel like I have so much more control over my emotions. For example, I don't know if you remember but one of my sisters and I had a huge falling out with our other sister over four years ago. It was incredibly traumatic and has been so difficult for me to not have any connection with her but especially with her kids. She did some pretty mean things and I had a very hard time dealing with it. I obsessed, typed essay length texts and then never send them, cried for many months, lost sleep, etc. My emotions were out of control. I was drinking then. Even though there were plenty of good reasons for what happened to happen, four years later it just seemed stupid. We are three sisters in our 50's fighting....so ridiculous. When my daughter cried to me that she missed her niece and nephew I had had enough. I was done with it and swallowed my pride, reached out and stopped the stupid drama. I did and am so thankful to have her and her kids back in my life. In doing so, now the other sister, who I have had a relationship with for the past four years, will not only not speak to me but is being super mean saying things like, "Have a nice life" which is incredibly hurtful. Even though I am incredibly hurt by her words, I am dealing with all of this so much better than I did when I was drinking. The biggest change is that I do not get triggered as easily. I know she is saying really mean stuff and trying to make me feel guilty like I threw our friendship away by making up the other sister. She is trying to upset me, otherwise, she wouldn't bring saying such hurtful things. I seriously just don't get as mad. Of course, it bothers me a lot and I really hope we get through this, but I can see things a bit more objectively now. I am confident in the decision I made even though I know it hurt her which I have sincerely apologized for more than once. She is just going to have to decide if she wants to forgive me and have me in her life. There isn't anything else I can do. I am less sensitive and don't take things as personally as I did when I was drinking. As you know, I only drank on the weekends but that drinking wreaked havoc on my emotions every day of the week.
The struggles
I am currently struggling with insecurity. I don't know why but all of a sudden I am in need of recognition and constant validation that I am doing a good job - especially professionally. I have gotten better in my personal life around this but worse in my professional life. I have never been like this. I am a good teacher - I know that. I go above and beyond for my students and take my job really seriously. I find myself getting super resentful of teachers who are lazy and don't do anything. This has especially gotten bad for me with this remote learning. I seriously work 7 hours a day teaching and helping kids understand the material. When I hear that other teachers aren't even giving assignments, it just irks me. And then this need for validation is driving me crazy. Like - isn't anyone noticing how hard I am working. I don't think so. Then I go to...then why even bother. Why? Why, in my 50s, do I have this need to be recognized or acknowledged for how hard I work? I used to say I am not going to drink today. Now I say I am not going to send any emails looking for validation by trying to kind of passively point out what I am doing. Why can't me knowing that I am doing a good job be enough? Why does my sense of value need to come from the outside?
My other struggle is still the same as what it was two years ago. I am lonely. I need to make some friends and do stuff. I had made this a goal and even started a "tribe" of four friends. We were going to read books, have lunch, just talk. Then all the stay at home orders came and it all kind of stopped. I miss my daughter incredibly badly. She lives far from me and we are so alike and enjoy many of the same things. My husband and I are fine we just have different interests. He still enjoys having his couple of beers on the weekends but tries to respect me by not drinking around me so we end up just watching tv in different rooms. My son is remote learning for college at home which is nice, but again...different interests. I watch these shows on tv of women who actually have other women friends who support each other and do stuff together and am jealous. Alcohol used to do this for me but now that I don't drink, I am left out of that crowd and it is hard.
PS - After posting this I searched: 50 and insecure
I found this article 5 Things to Do When you Feel Insecure and want to remember it, especially these two sections which really spoke to me. I need to get off Facebook as I compare myself to how great everyone else's life is and I need to find people in my life who really get me.
3. Avoid people you feel insecure around.
I know this sounds like common sense, but it does require a bit of homework. Sometimes you have to rearrange your schedule, find a new route to work, take lunch at a different time, or compile a ton of excuses to have on hand. “I’m sorry I can’t go to happy hour with you guys. The truth is that your cliquish group does not make me happy. I have a better chance of getting happy by myself. Oh, and my dog needs to get groomed at 5 p.m. on a Tuesday night.”
You have to protect yourself. That should be your first priority for as long as you are feeling insecure, not convenience. Why torture yourself? If you think the popular group will notice, you’re wrong. Most likely they don’t care about you. But you won’t care that they don’t care if you are proactive about protecting yourself. Then, when you don’t feel as insecure, you can resume your old schedule or go to happy hour if you want and if your dog has been groomed.
4. Surround yourself with supportive people.
There are only a few people in my life who get me. Who really get me. When I’m insecure, I will drive 250 miles to see them, or squeeze a half hour into my hectic evening to talk to them on the phone. They remind me of what is good and unique about myself — maybe unorthodox and not at all appreciated by other folks — elements that contribute to my decent DNA. These people love that I have no filter, that I say whatever I am thinking out loud and therefore insult an average of two people every ten seconds. This character defect, they say, is refreshing!
Those trusted few are the voices of truth and we need as many voices of truth as we can get. “We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us,” writes Beth Moore in “So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend To Us.”
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
January 1, 2020
I am 570 days or 18 months three weeks or a little over 1 1/2 years sober....and my daughter got married 3 days ago.
If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be able to get through the incredibly stressful planning and the very emotional day of her wedding without alcohol - I would have not believed you.
If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be able to have hosted multiple dinners including a New Year's Eve party for many out of town guests without drinking - I wouldn't have believed you.
If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would not even crave alcohol when faced with social situations - I would have believed you.
But all of that is true. My dream for myself to live a happy (for the most part) sober life has come true.
For the first year of sobriety, I really missed the high highs that come with drinking. The only thing that kept me going was the loss of the low lows. I can honestly say that I really don't miss the alcohol-fueled high highs anymore either. First of all, I am learning that I can have those crazy, hyper, fun-filled nights without alcohol. I thought that was only possible with alcohol, but I am finding that fun, social, person again. I do not have the anticipation high that I used to have before drinking which makes it a little harder to actually get out and do anything social. But, once I do get together with people, I have a good time and am glad I went.
I am so grateful for my sober life. I am so grateful that I could enjoy the beautiful wedding of my daughter fully present. She was amazing, we love her husband and his family and it was such an amazing day for her. It was everything she wanted which is everything I wanted for her. A little bit of drama came up a couple of times and I was able to not engage, let it go and put my daughter first. I will cherish that day forever with no regrets and be forever grateful I was sober and fully present.
I am also working on mending an estranged relationship with one of my sisters and working on having a better relationship with my mother. It is so much easier to navigate extremely emotional, difficult situations when sober. I feel calmer, more rational and honesty more able to see the part I play in all of it.
I think my addiction to alcohol made me a bit of a narcissist. I really did think that I was always right and it was my mission was to make everyone else agree with that or at least see where I was coming from. That is an incredibly selfish way to look at life. I couldn't even see it, because I really was/am a good person, I just had a hard time understanding why everyone couldn't see my point of view and when they didn't, I took it personally. I was worried people would think I was selfish or being a bad person or question my motivation.
After a year and a half sober, I am just trying to make decisions, deal with situations and speak with integrity. As long as I am OK with how I handle something, it doesn't matter what anyone else believes. Everyone sees things differently...not everyone has the same perspective on life as me and it is not my job to make them see things my way. As long as I am a good person and I do what I think is right, they have the right to believe what they want. If they truly care about me, they will seek to understand me. If not, that is ok.
Also, things that people say that hurt my feeling may not have anything to do with me. They might be having a bad day or may not even mean it in the way I took it. I need to not take things so personally (and maybe read The Four Agreements book again -lol).
I am by no means done working on this, in fact, it is one of my goals for this year. I am learning that I am incredibly sensitive and get my feeling hurt easily. It is not because I have an alcohol problem, or because I have a hangover...it is truly who I am...and that is ok. What isn't ok is that sometimes I need to try harder to see things from another person's perspective and seek to understand them.
For example, the day after my daughter's wedding, my house was a disaster from all the wedding stuff being dumped the night before. I was also hosting, again, all of his family for New Year's Eve (which I was happy to do). She had stayed overnight where she got married and she went to see his family before she got home which I had no problem with. She didn't get home until 3:30 and I really got my feeling hurt. I felt like she (or her husband) didn't even consider the fact that I had a mess of a house and that I needed to go to the store and cook for the evening. I thought she would say, "We need to go help my mom." They spent so much time visiting with his family and didn't even consider how much I had to do. I decided when she got home I wouldn't be passive-aggressive about it, I would just tell her how I felt. Which I have to say is scary and hard for me. I expected her to say, "Oh my gosh mom, I am so so sorry." Instead, she got defensive and told me that she really didn't; know that the house was a mess and that she was getting home in time to help me get ready for the party. I had a really hard time with that response. I think have a harder time dealing with someone's response to how I feel if it is not what I want to hear than I have with the reason I was upset, to begin with. I just so desperately need validation for how I feel. Why can't she see where I am coming from? Then I go to this place of even feeling guilty I said anything. Maybe I shouldn't have been upset. Maybe I am just being dramatic? Now they aren't even going to want to hang out at my house with this emotional woman. Great! Now they aren't ever going to move closer, because they would have to deal with me. This thought pattern is absolutely ridiculous but it happens. I am getting better with this when it comes to everyone except my children. I so desperately want them to think I am a good, kind, caring person that I have a hard time expressing my feeling when I am upset with them.
I have to work on not needing my feeling to be validated/make people understand my perspective and be more confident in their love for me and know that no matter how I feel or what I say or if I get upset, that isn't going to change. They are going to love me and want me around even if I express my opinion or make them mad or are being honest with how I feel. Even if they don't agree with why I am upset and may think I am being ridiculous, it is not going to hurt the core of our relationship or change the way they feel about me. I am terrified I will push them away. Maybe all of this stems from the natural difficulties of kids growing up and feeling the loss of not being the most important thing in their lives anymore. I imagine I am not the only one to go through this. It is really hard and one of my goals it to work on this.
My goals for this year are:
1. Be more confident in my relationships and trust that they are solid no matter what I say or how I feel. I have a right to feel the way I do and express those feelings and doing so will not push my children away. They love me no matter what.
2. Be better at self-care - work out, do yoga, meditate, eat well, stay hydrated, get enough sleep and just calm the f**k down. I swear to God I have a manic side to me that has nothing to do with alcohol. I get so wrapped up in something I am doing - remodeling my house, working on school work, planning a wedding, analyzing which vacuum to buy that I don't do anything else. I don't work out, don't go to bed, don't eat well. I think it might be a bit of OCD coupled with manic behavior. It has become such a habit that I am really uncomfortable with any downtime. I actually start to feel depressed when I don't have anything to obsess about, but yet being so consumed with something is exhausting and gives me so much anxiety that I don't sleep well and get emotional and overly sensitive. I thought this was all caused by alcohol. Apparently not.
3. Be better at getting to social engagements that I am invited to. It is so easy to just not go, but then I think I get lonely. Once I get there I always have a good time. I just need to do better about getting there.
So.. life is not always rainbows and unicorns without alcohol. Being sober has not cured me of all of my personal difficulties but it has given me the space to be able to work on them.
One thing I am no longer consumed/obsessed with is thinking about alcohol and I am grateful for that every day. The mental real estate that has been freed up is allowing me to work on other areas that need attention.
I am in a more stable emotional/mental place than I was 2 years ago. I feel so much better and am better equipped to deal with whatever comes along in a calm, patient, rational way..at least more of the time. I am gaining confidence in how I feel, being able to express it and not needing so much validation. I am getting better at seeing the whole picture and how someone else may be feeling.
I am incredibly grateful for my sobriety and my family.
2020 is going to be a great year full of self-growth and good times.
If anyone has suggestions for good books in this area, please share.
If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be able to get through the incredibly stressful planning and the very emotional day of her wedding without alcohol - I would have not believed you.
If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be able to have hosted multiple dinners including a New Year's Eve party for many out of town guests without drinking - I wouldn't have believed you.
If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would not even crave alcohol when faced with social situations - I would have believed you.
But all of that is true. My dream for myself to live a happy (for the most part) sober life has come true.
For the first year of sobriety, I really missed the high highs that come with drinking. The only thing that kept me going was the loss of the low lows. I can honestly say that I really don't miss the alcohol-fueled high highs anymore either. First of all, I am learning that I can have those crazy, hyper, fun-filled nights without alcohol. I thought that was only possible with alcohol, but I am finding that fun, social, person again. I do not have the anticipation high that I used to have before drinking which makes it a little harder to actually get out and do anything social. But, once I do get together with people, I have a good time and am glad I went.
I am so grateful for my sober life. I am so grateful that I could enjoy the beautiful wedding of my daughter fully present. She was amazing, we love her husband and his family and it was such an amazing day for her. It was everything she wanted which is everything I wanted for her. A little bit of drama came up a couple of times and I was able to not engage, let it go and put my daughter first. I will cherish that day forever with no regrets and be forever grateful I was sober and fully present.
I am also working on mending an estranged relationship with one of my sisters and working on having a better relationship with my mother. It is so much easier to navigate extremely emotional, difficult situations when sober. I feel calmer, more rational and honesty more able to see the part I play in all of it.
I think my addiction to alcohol made me a bit of a narcissist. I really did think that I was always right and it was my mission was to make everyone else agree with that or at least see where I was coming from. That is an incredibly selfish way to look at life. I couldn't even see it, because I really was/am a good person, I just had a hard time understanding why everyone couldn't see my point of view and when they didn't, I took it personally. I was worried people would think I was selfish or being a bad person or question my motivation.
After a year and a half sober, I am just trying to make decisions, deal with situations and speak with integrity. As long as I am OK with how I handle something, it doesn't matter what anyone else believes. Everyone sees things differently...not everyone has the same perspective on life as me and it is not my job to make them see things my way. As long as I am a good person and I do what I think is right, they have the right to believe what they want. If they truly care about me, they will seek to understand me. If not, that is ok.
Also, things that people say that hurt my feeling may not have anything to do with me. They might be having a bad day or may not even mean it in the way I took it. I need to not take things so personally (and maybe read The Four Agreements book again -lol).
I am by no means done working on this, in fact, it is one of my goals for this year. I am learning that I am incredibly sensitive and get my feeling hurt easily. It is not because I have an alcohol problem, or because I have a hangover...it is truly who I am...and that is ok. What isn't ok is that sometimes I need to try harder to see things from another person's perspective and seek to understand them.
For example, the day after my daughter's wedding, my house was a disaster from all the wedding stuff being dumped the night before. I was also hosting, again, all of his family for New Year's Eve (which I was happy to do). She had stayed overnight where she got married and she went to see his family before she got home which I had no problem with. She didn't get home until 3:30 and I really got my feeling hurt. I felt like she (or her husband) didn't even consider the fact that I had a mess of a house and that I needed to go to the store and cook for the evening. I thought she would say, "We need to go help my mom." They spent so much time visiting with his family and didn't even consider how much I had to do. I decided when she got home I wouldn't be passive-aggressive about it, I would just tell her how I felt. Which I have to say is scary and hard for me. I expected her to say, "Oh my gosh mom, I am so so sorry." Instead, she got defensive and told me that she really didn't; know that the house was a mess and that she was getting home in time to help me get ready for the party. I had a really hard time with that response. I think have a harder time dealing with someone's response to how I feel if it is not what I want to hear than I have with the reason I was upset, to begin with. I just so desperately need validation for how I feel. Why can't she see where I am coming from? Then I go to this place of even feeling guilty I said anything. Maybe I shouldn't have been upset. Maybe I am just being dramatic? Now they aren't even going to want to hang out at my house with this emotional woman. Great! Now they aren't ever going to move closer, because they would have to deal with me. This thought pattern is absolutely ridiculous but it happens. I am getting better with this when it comes to everyone except my children. I so desperately want them to think I am a good, kind, caring person that I have a hard time expressing my feeling when I am upset with them.
I have to work on not needing my feeling to be validated/make people understand my perspective and be more confident in their love for me and know that no matter how I feel or what I say or if I get upset, that isn't going to change. They are going to love me and want me around even if I express my opinion or make them mad or are being honest with how I feel. Even if they don't agree with why I am upset and may think I am being ridiculous, it is not going to hurt the core of our relationship or change the way they feel about me. I am terrified I will push them away. Maybe all of this stems from the natural difficulties of kids growing up and feeling the loss of not being the most important thing in their lives anymore. I imagine I am not the only one to go through this. It is really hard and one of my goals it to work on this.
My goals for this year are:
1. Be more confident in my relationships and trust that they are solid no matter what I say or how I feel. I have a right to feel the way I do and express those feelings and doing so will not push my children away. They love me no matter what.
2. Be better at self-care - work out, do yoga, meditate, eat well, stay hydrated, get enough sleep and just calm the f**k down. I swear to God I have a manic side to me that has nothing to do with alcohol. I get so wrapped up in something I am doing - remodeling my house, working on school work, planning a wedding, analyzing which vacuum to buy that I don't do anything else. I don't work out, don't go to bed, don't eat well. I think it might be a bit of OCD coupled with manic behavior. It has become such a habit that I am really uncomfortable with any downtime. I actually start to feel depressed when I don't have anything to obsess about, but yet being so consumed with something is exhausting and gives me so much anxiety that I don't sleep well and get emotional and overly sensitive. I thought this was all caused by alcohol. Apparently not.
3. Be better at getting to social engagements that I am invited to. It is so easy to just not go, but then I think I get lonely. Once I get there I always have a good time. I just need to do better about getting there.
So.. life is not always rainbows and unicorns without alcohol. Being sober has not cured me of all of my personal difficulties but it has given me the space to be able to work on them.
One thing I am no longer consumed/obsessed with is thinking about alcohol and I am grateful for that every day. The mental real estate that has been freed up is allowing me to work on other areas that need attention.
I am in a more stable emotional/mental place than I was 2 years ago. I feel so much better and am better equipped to deal with whatever comes along in a calm, patient, rational way..at least more of the time. I am gaining confidence in how I feel, being able to express it and not needing so much validation. I am getting better at seeing the whole picture and how someone else may be feeling.
I am incredibly grateful for my sobriety and my family.
2020 is going to be a great year full of self-growth and good times.
If anyone has suggestions for good books in this area, please share.
Friday, August 2, 2019
8/2/19 - Sober and so much happier
I haven't blogged in a while because...well...I haven't needed to. I haven't really even thought about drinking and when I do, it is a fleeting thought. The thought "drinking would be fun right now" is quickly replaced with "that is your addiction talking and it would only feel fun while you are feeding it. It wouldn't be fun later and it isn't worth it." And then I have fun without it. Here is what I have noticed has changed over the last 14 months of sobriety about my weekend/vacation self...the times when I would have been drinking but am now sober.
I am calmer. Do I woop it up, get super loud, overly energetic and want to stay up until all hours so I can continue drinking? Not anymore. Although sometimes I still do get a bit crazy and silly which I didn't know was possible sober. I have a calm, relaxing time, have real conversations and go to bed when I am tired. I am still a bit of a hyper, Type A personality, but now I can tone it down when it might be annoying other people. Alcohol would just ramp it up and then make me not care who I was annoying or worse - keep me from realizing I was even being obnoxious. I look at people in this state now and think, "Wow, they probably don't even realize how loud and annoying they look." I didn't. I don't judge them, it is more of a bizarre fascination with how I used to be. When I was buzzed I just thought everyone else was right there with me and I was the shit and everyone loved me. I am not so sure that was the case now. It is weird how alcohol makes you completely unaware of everyone else's perception of you. I know everyone likes me..it's not that..I just am not sure everyone thought I was as cool as I thought I was. I couldn't see when I was annoying. I can still be annoying but am better at recognizing it and changing it. I am so much more self-aware.
I am less selfish. I used to be primarily concerned with me and my drinking on the weekends or during vacation. It didn't matter what anyone else wanted to do. If I wanted to stay up, or play cards, or sing my music way too loud, or not eat at a certain restaurant bc they didn't serve alcohol, or had to eat right now (really bc I wanted to drink) or watch a movie or whatever...it didn't matter what everyone else wanted. My buzzed brain made sure it happened at the expense of listening to or caring about what anyone else wanted. The weird part is that when I was doing all of that it took me so long to realize that I was only trying to drink more. I used to say things like, "You guys are all babies. Please don't get tired. Here have another drink. Let's do something. That will wake you up (even though it was midnight)." I am so much more in tuned now to the wishes of the group. I respect everyone else so much more. I couldn't see that I was being selfish. I can still be selfish but am better at recognizing it and changing it. I am so much more self-aware.
I am more confident. I can speak my mind now without people thinking "Oh she is just buzzed. She is just being difficult." When I feel a certain way or want to do something, I can now say it because it is truly what I want. I can also set boundaries more easily. If someone wanted to me to help them or do something on a Sunday, I can now say no without worrying that they just think I have a hangover. If I truly don't want to do it, I don't. The reality, though, is that I am way more willing and able to help with things now that I don't have hangovers. I have always been confident but when it came to drinking and dealing with my hangovers it was more of a smokescreen. When I really felt like shit about myself, I had to make it seem to everyone else that I was fine by overcompensating my self-confidence. I am also more confident in sharing my feelings. I can truly say how I feel without it being caused by me being overly sensitive which alcohol always contributed to. I couldn't see how my self-worth was suffering. I am so much more self-aware.
I feel so much better physically. My heart palpitations are gone. My panic attacks in the middle of the night are gone. My night sweats are mostly gone. My sleep is so much better. My anxiety is substantially lower, and my depression is pretty much gone. I don't feel super great all the time and I don't have my super high-highs that alcohol brought but I do not go to the low-lows anymore either. I am just at kind of steady. I am learning to find joy and happiness in life without the aid of a drug. I go to bed when I am tired, I get up without hangovers and just do life. I still have a ways to go in terms of working out, doing yoga, meditating and cleaning up my diet, but I feel so much healthier than when I was drinking. My digestive system thanks me every day that I don't drink. And I have lost 17 pounds in the last year, just from not drinking.
I am so much more productive. I used to spend countless hours in my dark office researching, reading, contemplating, analyzing, obsessing and blogging about my drinking...like entire weekends and summers. It was agonizing, debilitating and a complete waste of time. This summer I remodeled my kitchen, bathrooms, laundry room, living areas. I was my own general contractor and was super busy. It still wasn't all that healthy as I wasn't sleeping more than 5 hours a night, wasn't eating well and wasn't working out but it felt so much better than sitting in that hole of depression that I called my study which was dark red with oversized oak furniture. My office is now bright and open with a minimal amount of furniture. No more hiding from the world...from myslef.
I am now on vacation and haven't had the urge to drink at all. Finally!
My goals for the next year involve improving my self-care - eating well, working out, doing yoga, and just letting myself be calm..do nothing..read a book. I need to work on not always having to feel so busy. Not feeling guilty when I am not doing anything. Not always feeling like there is so much to do I need to do it right now.
I am calmer. Do I woop it up, get super loud, overly energetic and want to stay up until all hours so I can continue drinking? Not anymore. Although sometimes I still do get a bit crazy and silly which I didn't know was possible sober. I have a calm, relaxing time, have real conversations and go to bed when I am tired. I am still a bit of a hyper, Type A personality, but now I can tone it down when it might be annoying other people. Alcohol would just ramp it up and then make me not care who I was annoying or worse - keep me from realizing I was even being obnoxious. I look at people in this state now and think, "Wow, they probably don't even realize how loud and annoying they look." I didn't. I don't judge them, it is more of a bizarre fascination with how I used to be. When I was buzzed I just thought everyone else was right there with me and I was the shit and everyone loved me. I am not so sure that was the case now. It is weird how alcohol makes you completely unaware of everyone else's perception of you. I know everyone likes me..it's not that..I just am not sure everyone thought I was as cool as I thought I was. I couldn't see when I was annoying. I can still be annoying but am better at recognizing it and changing it. I am so much more self-aware.
I am less selfish. I used to be primarily concerned with me and my drinking on the weekends or during vacation. It didn't matter what anyone else wanted to do. If I wanted to stay up, or play cards, or sing my music way too loud, or not eat at a certain restaurant bc they didn't serve alcohol, or had to eat right now (really bc I wanted to drink) or watch a movie or whatever...it didn't matter what everyone else wanted. My buzzed brain made sure it happened at the expense of listening to or caring about what anyone else wanted. The weird part is that when I was doing all of that it took me so long to realize that I was only trying to drink more. I used to say things like, "You guys are all babies. Please don't get tired. Here have another drink. Let's do something. That will wake you up (even though it was midnight)." I am so much more in tuned now to the wishes of the group. I respect everyone else so much more. I couldn't see that I was being selfish. I can still be selfish but am better at recognizing it and changing it. I am so much more self-aware.
I am more confident. I can speak my mind now without people thinking "Oh she is just buzzed. She is just being difficult." When I feel a certain way or want to do something, I can now say it because it is truly what I want. I can also set boundaries more easily. If someone wanted to me to help them or do something on a Sunday, I can now say no without worrying that they just think I have a hangover. If I truly don't want to do it, I don't. The reality, though, is that I am way more willing and able to help with things now that I don't have hangovers. I have always been confident but when it came to drinking and dealing with my hangovers it was more of a smokescreen. When I really felt like shit about myself, I had to make it seem to everyone else that I was fine by overcompensating my self-confidence. I am also more confident in sharing my feelings. I can truly say how I feel without it being caused by me being overly sensitive which alcohol always contributed to. I couldn't see how my self-worth was suffering. I am so much more self-aware.
I feel so much better physically. My heart palpitations are gone. My panic attacks in the middle of the night are gone. My night sweats are mostly gone. My sleep is so much better. My anxiety is substantially lower, and my depression is pretty much gone. I don't feel super great all the time and I don't have my super high-highs that alcohol brought but I do not go to the low-lows anymore either. I am just at kind of steady. I am learning to find joy and happiness in life without the aid of a drug. I go to bed when I am tired, I get up without hangovers and just do life. I still have a ways to go in terms of working out, doing yoga, meditating and cleaning up my diet, but I feel so much healthier than when I was drinking. My digestive system thanks me every day that I don't drink. And I have lost 17 pounds in the last year, just from not drinking.
I am so much more productive. I used to spend countless hours in my dark office researching, reading, contemplating, analyzing, obsessing and blogging about my drinking...like entire weekends and summers. It was agonizing, debilitating and a complete waste of time. This summer I remodeled my kitchen, bathrooms, laundry room, living areas. I was my own general contractor and was super busy. It still wasn't all that healthy as I wasn't sleeping more than 5 hours a night, wasn't eating well and wasn't working out but it felt so much better than sitting in that hole of depression that I called my study which was dark red with oversized oak furniture. My office is now bright and open with a minimal amount of furniture. No more hiding from the world...from myslef.
I am now on vacation and haven't had the urge to drink at all. Finally!
My goals for the next year involve improving my self-care - eating well, working out, doing yoga, and just letting myself be calm..do nothing..read a book. I need to work on not always having to feel so busy. Not feeling guilty when I am not doing anything. Not always feeling like there is so much to do I need to do it right now.
Monday, June 10, 2019
6/10/19 - One Year Alcohol Free!!!!!
I can't believe it! I did it! Today is my one-year sober anniversary! I am so incredibly proud of myself!
I NEVER thought I could do it. I tried and tried and tried to maintain sobriety - sometimes for 2 weekends, sometimes 2 weeks, sometimes 2 months - my longest previous attempts being 9 months and 6 months. Part of my difficulty with remaining sober was that I never had anything really bad happen - no DUI, no loss of a job (I don't even think anyone at work knew I even struggled) - no loss of close relationships bc of my drinking, nothing that would be considered a "rock bottom". Because I never had "proof" that my drinking was causing me problems, I kept convincing myself that I wasn't that bad, that it was just my latest obsession, that I could just try harder to control my weekend drinking. I still have a hard time with the word alcoholic - bc I really don't know if I am or not and that label (and the fact that I could not call myself one bc I hadn't had any of the classic alcoholic life difficulties) kept me sick for a long time. I would say to myself, "You are not an alcoholic. Look at the life of an alcoholic - yours is nothing like that. Since that is not you, you can learn to drink normally, you can control your alcohol intake, you can be like everyone else. You can enjoy your life, be happy and drink. You just have to find a plan that works for you." I tried every rule in the book...no hard alcohol, no red wine, no high alcohol content beer, no drinking during the week, only drinking on Saturday, no more than 5 drinks a weekend, drinking water between every drink, making sure I ate first, never drinking before 4:00, not pre-partying before an event, etc.... It was exhausting and time and time after time/year after year, I found myself waking up in the middle of a Friday or Saturday night with night sweats, heart palpitations and severe anxiety unable to go back to sleep. It was the severe hangovers - no lasting for days - that made me want to quit. I spent entire summers (I am a teacher) reading books and researching how to stop my weekend drinking habit. I was miserable and exhausted. I hated myself for constantly making promises to myself and constantly breaking them. I knew deep down inside that this was not how I was supposed to be living, that I was not living up to my true potential. For the most part, I suffered in silence. My closest family members, a couple of friends and my online community knew...but other than that I lived in my own little prison I full of anger, self-loathing, failure, depression, obsession, compulsion, anxiety, and extreme sadness for 10 years!
One year ago, my super supportive husband made a comment to me while I was suffering from another debilitating hangover (after watching me struggle with this for so long and after yet another night of me not only drinking too much, but being kind of mean to him, not leaving with him and making him come pick my drunk ass up from my sister's house at midnight) - he said, "Either quit or be an alcoholic." He had never said anything to me like that before. I cried and cried and cried - probably because I finally knew that this statement was a fact. I had suspected it all along but for someone else to say it to me was devastating. I finally called for help, got into an IOP program, got out of my own head and started to heal. He said exactly the right thing at exactly the right time and I will be forever grateful.
My daughter and son have also been amazing! They always listen to my constant rambling (I am a verbal processor) about my drinking, not drinking, how I am feeling, etc. and are ALWAYS so supportive. My 21 yo son does not drink. He is part of a fraternity at his college and is the elected person in charge of "risk management" which is perfect for him. He can't stand the taste and thinks it is just stupid to alter your mind with a drug. He is really good about not judging other people who drink, he just doesn't choose to do it to himself. My 24 yo daughter hardly ever drinks because as she says "why would I want to put that poison in my body - let alone the calories - I'd rather eat ice cream." I am so incredibly proud of them and actually look at them as inspirational. It is mind-boggling to me that they can be in their 20s, not drink and be happy. I was a pretty big weekend partier at their age and would have been miserable if I couldn't drink. They are both strong, compassionate, loving human beings. I am so incredibly grateful for my children and I will spend the rest of my life enjoying them in a much more present, less selfish, less self-absorbed, sober state of mind. I love my family so much for always being there for me in a non-judgemental, yet tough love sort of a way. I honestly don't know if I could have done it without them.
I also have a few friends and family members that have been there for me all along the way, supporting me and letting me know that I am indeed a happy, fun, enjoyable person to be around when not drinking. They have continued to hang out with me even though I am not drinking. They have proven to me I am worthy of being a friend, sister, daughter while just being me - without the aid of a social-anxiety reducing drug. I was really worried no one would want to hang out with me sober and really struggled with not isolating myself. I am learning, with the help of all of these people, that I am just as fun without alcohol. One of these friends even remembered my anniversary and planned a special day for me!
My daughter sent me a meme once that said "Lions don't drink. Be a lion!" That has now become my mantra. I am a lion! I can live a happy life without alcohol. I can be in the minority, not drink when everyone else is and still enjoy myself. I can be proud of myself and maybe even inspirational to others. I can and will live the rest of my life without drinking. I can get through the tough times and the anxiety-filled events and the Mays and the summers and the weekends without alcohol and will be so much happier without it. I am strong enough. I am good enough. I am worth it. I am a lion and I will roar every time I feel like drinking bc I will never let alcohol control me ever again! I am so excited to see what my future holds now that I am out of this self-imposed prison and will live my life fully present and forever grateful.
I NEVER thought I could do it. I tried and tried and tried to maintain sobriety - sometimes for 2 weekends, sometimes 2 weeks, sometimes 2 months - my longest previous attempts being 9 months and 6 months. Part of my difficulty with remaining sober was that I never had anything really bad happen - no DUI, no loss of a job (I don't even think anyone at work knew I even struggled) - no loss of close relationships bc of my drinking, nothing that would be considered a "rock bottom". Because I never had "proof" that my drinking was causing me problems, I kept convincing myself that I wasn't that bad, that it was just my latest obsession, that I could just try harder to control my weekend drinking. I still have a hard time with the word alcoholic - bc I really don't know if I am or not and that label (and the fact that I could not call myself one bc I hadn't had any of the classic alcoholic life difficulties) kept me sick for a long time. I would say to myself, "You are not an alcoholic. Look at the life of an alcoholic - yours is nothing like that. Since that is not you, you can learn to drink normally, you can control your alcohol intake, you can be like everyone else. You can enjoy your life, be happy and drink. You just have to find a plan that works for you." I tried every rule in the book...no hard alcohol, no red wine, no high alcohol content beer, no drinking during the week, only drinking on Saturday, no more than 5 drinks a weekend, drinking water between every drink, making sure I ate first, never drinking before 4:00, not pre-partying before an event, etc.... It was exhausting and time and time after time/year after year, I found myself waking up in the middle of a Friday or Saturday night with night sweats, heart palpitations and severe anxiety unable to go back to sleep. It was the severe hangovers - no lasting for days - that made me want to quit. I spent entire summers (I am a teacher) reading books and researching how to stop my weekend drinking habit. I was miserable and exhausted. I hated myself for constantly making promises to myself and constantly breaking them. I knew deep down inside that this was not how I was supposed to be living, that I was not living up to my true potential. For the most part, I suffered in silence. My closest family members, a couple of friends and my online community knew...but other than that I lived in my own little prison I full of anger, self-loathing, failure, depression, obsession, compulsion, anxiety, and extreme sadness for 10 years!
One year ago, my super supportive husband made a comment to me while I was suffering from another debilitating hangover (after watching me struggle with this for so long and after yet another night of me not only drinking too much, but being kind of mean to him, not leaving with him and making him come pick my drunk ass up from my sister's house at midnight) - he said, "Either quit or be an alcoholic." He had never said anything to me like that before. I cried and cried and cried - probably because I finally knew that this statement was a fact. I had suspected it all along but for someone else to say it to me was devastating. I finally called for help, got into an IOP program, got out of my own head and started to heal. He said exactly the right thing at exactly the right time and I will be forever grateful.
My daughter and son have also been amazing! They always listen to my constant rambling (I am a verbal processor) about my drinking, not drinking, how I am feeling, etc. and are ALWAYS so supportive. My 21 yo son does not drink. He is part of a fraternity at his college and is the elected person in charge of "risk management" which is perfect for him. He can't stand the taste and thinks it is just stupid to alter your mind with a drug. He is really good about not judging other people who drink, he just doesn't choose to do it to himself. My 24 yo daughter hardly ever drinks because as she says "why would I want to put that poison in my body - let alone the calories - I'd rather eat ice cream." I am so incredibly proud of them and actually look at them as inspirational. It is mind-boggling to me that they can be in their 20s, not drink and be happy. I was a pretty big weekend partier at their age and would have been miserable if I couldn't drink. They are both strong, compassionate, loving human beings. I am so incredibly grateful for my children and I will spend the rest of my life enjoying them in a much more present, less selfish, less self-absorbed, sober state of mind. I love my family so much for always being there for me in a non-judgemental, yet tough love sort of a way. I honestly don't know if I could have done it without them.
I also have a few friends and family members that have been there for me all along the way, supporting me and letting me know that I am indeed a happy, fun, enjoyable person to be around when not drinking. They have continued to hang out with me even though I am not drinking. They have proven to me I am worthy of being a friend, sister, daughter while just being me - without the aid of a social-anxiety reducing drug. I was really worried no one would want to hang out with me sober and really struggled with not isolating myself. I am learning, with the help of all of these people, that I am just as fun without alcohol. One of these friends even remembered my anniversary and planned a special day for me!
My daughter sent me a meme once that said "Lions don't drink. Be a lion!" That has now become my mantra. I am a lion! I can live a happy life without alcohol. I can be in the minority, not drink when everyone else is and still enjoy myself. I can be proud of myself and maybe even inspirational to others. I can and will live the rest of my life without drinking. I can get through the tough times and the anxiety-filled events and the Mays and the summers and the weekends without alcohol and will be so much happier without it. I am strong enough. I am good enough. I am worth it. I am a lion and I will roar every time I feel like drinking bc I will never let alcohol control me ever again! I am so excited to see what my future holds now that I am out of this self-imposed prison and will live my life fully present and forever grateful.
Sunday, April 21, 2019
4/21/19 (Sun) - How bad it was
I just went back and read my posts from last April. Geez! I was a mess. I was terribly stuck in the "I don't want to drink but continue to drink" loop. I wanted so badly for last spring/summer to be different. I desperately wanted to do 40 days or maybe even (don't dare to think it could be possible) one year sober! I went on to also have a terrible, mentally ill, addicted May until I called for help June 10.
While I am still not feeling great, but I am so glad I am not where I was last year. I have over 10 months under my belt and know I will make it a year. As uncomfortable as I may be feeling now, it is nowhere near the devastating misery I was feeling last spring.
I went to therapy on Thursday. I so badly wanted to cancel but knew I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't go bc I would have broken a commitment I made to myself. It was fine. It's just kinda weird to not be able to go when you really need it and then when you do get an appointment, you feel better so don't really want to talk about anything.
We talked a little bit about ACT (Acceptance/Commitment/Therapy) which I found interesting. She said to try to disconnect from my thoughts. Just because I am thinking something doesn't make it true. I thought of it like - instead of being in the middle of a tornado of bad thoughts with everything swirling around me, overwhelming me, think of my thoughts as a bank of storm clouds. Take cover, take care of myself, notice they are there but just wait and watch them pass by. This was a pretty interesting metaphor for me. She is having a 6 week ACT support group on Thursday evenings. I think I will go. It may help me get through this first ever sober spring.
I also went to the Lifering meeting I have been wanting to try out. It was weird that I wasn't at all scared or nervous to share my story, unlike IOP last summer when I was terrified and having a panic attack about it. I didn't really get much out of this group. There were about 6 people sitting around sharing their week and any struggles they have coming up. I suppose it is supportive for them as some have been attending for years, but it just didn't do much for me. I like it better when that kind of "go around the circle and share" is accompanied by an actual topic or something new to learn about - a new perspective. This is why I am going to try out the ACT group. It will cost me $25 every week, while Lifering is free, but it is worth it. I was spending that much last spring on alcohol.
When I start feeling sorry for myself because I can't drink, I am going to come back here and read how miserable I was last spring...how I would have given anything to be in my shoes this spring - 10 months down 2 to go until I have made it to one year. I need to remember how bad it was so I can appreciate how much better it is.
While I am still not feeling great, but I am so glad I am not where I was last year. I have over 10 months under my belt and know I will make it a year. As uncomfortable as I may be feeling now, it is nowhere near the devastating misery I was feeling last spring.
I went to therapy on Thursday. I so badly wanted to cancel but knew I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't go bc I would have broken a commitment I made to myself. It was fine. It's just kinda weird to not be able to go when you really need it and then when you do get an appointment, you feel better so don't really want to talk about anything.
We talked a little bit about ACT (Acceptance/Commitment/Therapy) which I found interesting. She said to try to disconnect from my thoughts. Just because I am thinking something doesn't make it true. I thought of it like - instead of being in the middle of a tornado of bad thoughts with everything swirling around me, overwhelming me, think of my thoughts as a bank of storm clouds. Take cover, take care of myself, notice they are there but just wait and watch them pass by. This was a pretty interesting metaphor for me. She is having a 6 week ACT support group on Thursday evenings. I think I will go. It may help me get through this first ever sober spring.
I also went to the Lifering meeting I have been wanting to try out. It was weird that I wasn't at all scared or nervous to share my story, unlike IOP last summer when I was terrified and having a panic attack about it. I didn't really get much out of this group. There were about 6 people sitting around sharing their week and any struggles they have coming up. I suppose it is supportive for them as some have been attending for years, but it just didn't do much for me. I like it better when that kind of "go around the circle and share" is accompanied by an actual topic or something new to learn about - a new perspective. This is why I am going to try out the ACT group. It will cost me $25 every week, while Lifering is free, but it is worth it. I was spending that much last spring on alcohol.
When I start feeling sorry for myself because I can't drink, I am going to come back here and read how miserable I was last spring...how I would have given anything to be in my shoes this spring - 10 months down 2 to go until I have made it to one year. I need to remember how bad it was so I can appreciate how much better it is.
Saturday, April 13, 2019
4/13/19 10 Months
Well, truth be told, this month has not been easy. Previously, I had been overwhelmed with obligations at school and a flooded basement. I was very busy. I seem to actually do ok when really busy. I miss having a couple drink on the weekend to unwind and relax but am usually so tired I just go to bed.
What is harder for me is when everything becomes calm and I am not so busy. Then, it seems, all of my emotions come bubbling up, I get depressed, anxious, and really just despondent to life. We went on a vacation over spring break to Alaska to see my daughter and while I love being there and seeing her, it was really hard. It wasn't because I wanted to drink. Sure, I thought about it constantly...what would I be doing now? how much more fun would Mario Party be with a few drinks? etc. but I really didn't have much of a craving. In fact, I really noticed that it was way more relaxing than when drinking while on vacation.
What was difficult was my lack of anything to do...not much to do in southeast Alaska in spring. While spending my days sleeping in, walking my daughter's dog, playing games, etc was very relaxing, it also did something to my mood. It is hard to explain. I just got this whole - what is life all about/my life kinda sucks/why am I not happy/what is wrong with me/questioning everything/ever sensitive/down in the dumps/emotional kind of feeling. And then I had this feeling of if life is going to suck anyway, I might as well drink and enjoy it once in a while...get some relief from my depression/anxiety/boredom. We got back home and it took me a solid 5 days to shake the feeling. I still don't feel great but better.
Confused by my feelings, I started researching (I know shocker) and found something really interesting in an article about PAWS. This article said that PAWS can hit you up to two years into sobriety and it talked about the stages of relapse. I know I have written about his before, but I seem to have forgotten it (maybe my addicted brain wants me to forget). I had always thought that relapse was when you have that panicky/ I have to drink/go get one now before you change your mind/ hurry anxiety attack that I get right before I hastily slam a beer down my throat before I can talk myself out of it. I know that to deal with those I need to quickly distract myself, eat something, drink something (other than alcohol) call someone, etc...just power through until it passes.
What I had forgotten about were the reliable, predictable stages that lead up to that. Stage 1 - Emotional Relapse. This is exactly where I was in Juneau...depressed/sad/not enjoying life (but should be)/anxious/just feeling crappy. Not really wanting to drink but starting to think that if life is going to such anyway.....just thinking about getting some relief. Stage 2 - Mental Relapse. I was close to starting down this road...trying to convince myslef I wasn't that bad, that I could try harder, that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this - without being able to drink (I all of a sudden need to stop writing about this becasue I can feel it waking something up in my head!). Stage four - the physical panic attack that leads to drinking.
I know that I need to deal with my shit well before it gets to the physical stage. That is why I have an apt with my therapist this week, am making an apt with my dr and am going to a local Lifering meeting. I do not want to drink but am not super happy sober at the moment....jsut being honest.
What is harder for me is when everything becomes calm and I am not so busy. Then, it seems, all of my emotions come bubbling up, I get depressed, anxious, and really just despondent to life. We went on a vacation over spring break to Alaska to see my daughter and while I love being there and seeing her, it was really hard. It wasn't because I wanted to drink. Sure, I thought about it constantly...what would I be doing now? how much more fun would Mario Party be with a few drinks? etc. but I really didn't have much of a craving. In fact, I really noticed that it was way more relaxing than when drinking while on vacation.
What was difficult was my lack of anything to do...not much to do in southeast Alaska in spring. While spending my days sleeping in, walking my daughter's dog, playing games, etc was very relaxing, it also did something to my mood. It is hard to explain. I just got this whole - what is life all about/my life kinda sucks/why am I not happy/what is wrong with me/questioning everything/ever sensitive/down in the dumps/emotional kind of feeling. And then I had this feeling of if life is going to suck anyway, I might as well drink and enjoy it once in a while...get some relief from my depression/anxiety/boredom. We got back home and it took me a solid 5 days to shake the feeling. I still don't feel great but better.
Confused by my feelings, I started researching (I know shocker) and found something really interesting in an article about PAWS. This article said that PAWS can hit you up to two years into sobriety and it talked about the stages of relapse. I know I have written about his before, but I seem to have forgotten it (maybe my addicted brain wants me to forget). I had always thought that relapse was when you have that panicky/ I have to drink/go get one now before you change your mind/ hurry anxiety attack that I get right before I hastily slam a beer down my throat before I can talk myself out of it. I know that to deal with those I need to quickly distract myself, eat something, drink something (other than alcohol) call someone, etc...just power through until it passes.
What I had forgotten about were the reliable, predictable stages that lead up to that. Stage 1 - Emotional Relapse. This is exactly where I was in Juneau...depressed/sad/not enjoying life (but should be)/anxious/just feeling crappy. Not really wanting to drink but starting to think that if life is going to such anyway.....just thinking about getting some relief. Stage 2 - Mental Relapse. I was close to starting down this road...trying to convince myslef I wasn't that bad, that I could try harder, that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this - without being able to drink (I all of a sudden need to stop writing about this becasue I can feel it waking something up in my head!). Stage four - the physical panic attack that leads to drinking.
I know that I need to deal with my shit well before it gets to the physical stage. That is why I have an apt with my therapist this week, am making an apt with my dr and am going to a local Lifering meeting. I do not want to drink but am not super happy sober at the moment....jsut being honest.
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