First of all I was terrified to even go - I had anxiety all day and did nothing but lay around worrying. I had no idea what to expect and that is always hard for me.
The first 75 minutes were spent in a small group session. I walked in and it was just as I dreaded - the chairs were arranged in a circle. There was only seven of us - one other female. I really did not feel a great connection with the group. No one welcomed me. They all knew each other as it wasn't a new group. I felt like the outsider and super uncomfortable. The session was mostly spent with the therapist telling her own stories about guilt and shame. Occasionally somebody would say something but it was a lot of uncomfortable silence with no eye contact. It was pretty uncomfortable. Whatever, I am sure if it isn't better next week, I can join a different group. Or maybe it doesn't even matter as long as I learn something. I did learn something - shame is when you feel like you are a bad person and guilt is when you feel like you have done something wrong. In addiction we may feel guilty about things we have done and need to make amends but we shouldn't feel shame. I do feel shame that I can't do better, be stronger, try harder, control alcohol. I have lived in this shame for a long time. I heard that just because I am addicted doesn't mean I am a bad person.
The second 75 minutes were spent in a bigger room with tables and chairs arranged in rows. There were about 45-50 people. It was family night (which I didn't know) so everyone had family member s there except about four of us. All the the previous seven people were there along with maybe 15 others and their family members. This one was a little less uncomfortable - more people talking and asking questions. I liked the therapist better (btw is who I am seeing tomorrow). We watched a 30 minute video called "Pleasure Unwoven". It was about a doctor who was also an alcoholic and was trying to prove that addiction is a disease. That addicted people have something different in the middle brain (the survival) that hijacks the cortex (decision making) part. That no one chooses to be addicted, it's not some moral failing, that we should be able to try harder not to be addicted. It isn't our fault we became addicted, but only we can fix it by choosing not to drink, getting educated and working hard. Recovery isn't just going to happen by being stronger and trying harder.
Then a cool thing happened. This lady, who by chance was sitting right next to me, raised her hand and asked about binge drinkers and if brain research also applied. She said, "I can go weeks without needing to drink, but I can't ever go forever and then I drink too much." It was all I could do to not stand up and say, "Me too!" The therapist said, "Absolutely, the brain research applies and the additional difficulty with bingers is denial. Since they can quit for periods of time, it usually takes them longer to recognize they have lost control." Well, when the meeting was over, that woman (probably close to my age and looked just as normal as me) introduced herself and asked if it was my first time. I said, "Yes and I am a binge drinker just like you." She said it was also her first time and asked if I was coming back. I said, "Probably." I asked her and she said, "Yes." Then she said, "You should come back." Somehow we had made this weird connection by chance and I really want to talk to her again. I thought that was pretty cool. Someone just like me :)
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
6/29/18 Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone
I am just wiped out today. Still didn't sleep well last night. I just feel physically exhausted and emotionally drained. Part of me woke up thinking that I just don't want to go through with all of this. It is just so much. By the time this week is over I will have had 10 hours of therapy. And this is just the first week of the next four. I don't want to drink, but I just don't feel like putting in all the time and spending all the emotional energy it is going to take.
Then I flip the switch and think...No, you are doing this. You are going to see this through. I am sure it is difficult and exhausting for everyone that goes through it. You have an opportunity right in front of you - valuable resources - individual therapist, group therapy, doctor's input and the time to actually do it. It isn't a coincidence that you going on vacation in four weeks, right as I am wrapping this up. You made the call. You went yesterday. You did the first two hardest parts. Today will be hard and scary - going to a group thing and tomorrow will be a little scary - meeting the individual therapist, but after that it might still be hard but maybe not as scary.
I need to put in the time and do the work. I have always said I am kind of an all or nothing kind of person. I probably would have been disappointed yesterday if they would have said, "You aren't that bad. Let's just get you set up with a therapist once a month. See you in three weeks." That would have not felt good and I am 100% sure I would have ended up trying to moderate again ending up right back in the same place. My addicted voice would have been immediately excited and relieved and planing, but my soul/true self would have been sad. I would have used that as an excuse to drink.
I am secretly glad I was actually diagnosed with moderate alcohol abuse disorder, OCD and anxiety disorder. It felt kind of like a relief. I could hear them talking about me in the hall and they sounded genuinely concerned for me which was a huge relief. I know that sounds weird but I almost felt like someone else saw it. Someone else recognized how sick I was and was will (and thought it necessary) to get me such intensive help. It felt validating in a way. Kind of like - I knew I wasn't just imaging everything or blowing things out of proportion. I know I'm not supposed to care what others think, but I kind of feel like, "See, I told you I had a problem and it isn't just my latest obsessing and trying harder."
I got the proof I needed yesterday and the gift of all these resources. I am not going to waste this opportunity - as scary and exhausting as it may be. Maybe it will really help me attain my ultimate goal - to be happy and peaceful and joyful in sobriety. To not feel the need to drink and to be truly happy and secure in my choice not to drink. I obviously can't do it by myself. I certainly have proof of that.
Then I flip the switch and think...No, you are doing this. You are going to see this through. I am sure it is difficult and exhausting for everyone that goes through it. You have an opportunity right in front of you - valuable resources - individual therapist, group therapy, doctor's input and the time to actually do it. It isn't a coincidence that you going on vacation in four weeks, right as I am wrapping this up. You made the call. You went yesterday. You did the first two hardest parts. Today will be hard and scary - going to a group thing and tomorrow will be a little scary - meeting the individual therapist, but after that it might still be hard but maybe not as scary.
I need to put in the time and do the work. I have always said I am kind of an all or nothing kind of person. I probably would have been disappointed yesterday if they would have said, "You aren't that bad. Let's just get you set up with a therapist once a month. See you in three weeks." That would have not felt good and I am 100% sure I would have ended up trying to moderate again ending up right back in the same place. My addicted voice would have been immediately excited and relieved and planing, but my soul/true self would have been sad. I would have used that as an excuse to drink.
I am secretly glad I was actually diagnosed with moderate alcohol abuse disorder, OCD and anxiety disorder. It felt kind of like a relief. I could hear them talking about me in the hall and they sounded genuinely concerned for me which was a huge relief. I know that sounds weird but I almost felt like someone else saw it. Someone else recognized how sick I was and was will (and thought it necessary) to get me such intensive help. It felt validating in a way. Kind of like - I knew I wasn't just imaging everything or blowing things out of proportion. I know I'm not supposed to care what others think, but I kind of feel like, "See, I told you I had a problem and it isn't just my latest obsessing and trying harder."
I got the proof I needed yesterday and the gift of all these resources. I am not going to waste this opportunity - as scary and exhausting as it may be. Maybe it will really help me attain my ultimate goal - to be happy and peaceful and joyful in sobriety. To not feel the need to drink and to be truly happy and secure in my choice not to drink. I obviously can't do it by myself. I certainly have proof of that.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
6/26/18 Initial 4 Hour Evaluation
Well...that was really hard and exhausting and took four hours but I'm glad I went.
First I met with an addiction counselor. He listened to my history even through my tears. It was really hard to admit to a stranger how long I have struggled and how hard it has been. He was a pretty straight shooter, which is good for me. He suggested that I stop trying to figure out the "why" of the problem and instead focus on the solution to the problem. He also said that my "rock bottom" was when I made that call to Kaiser. I was on such a dark place, was so sure I was quitting the day before, started rationalizing why I could drink that weekend and had an anxiety attack from all of it. He is correct because in a moment of mental crisis I just picked up the phone and called before I could change my mind - much like how I pick up a beer, in a moment of mental crisis, before I can change my mind. It felt the same - Just do it! Quick! Do it! Before you change your mind! Like there are two voices in my head fighting with each other.
He recommended an intensive outpatient program consisting of 3 hour group sessions focusing on early recovery and relapse prevention 3 times a week for 4 weeks. That sounds like a lot of time and pretty scary but I'm going to do whatever I need to do to get better. Those appointments are Mon, Wed and Fri starting tomorrow.
He also got me set up with a therapist for individual therapy. My first appt with her this Thursday.
Then I saw a psychiatrist. He was very matter of fact and to the point. A little rough around the edges but we communicated well. We had a long talk about medication and addiction vs mental issues. His opinion was that fixing the mental issues will not fix the addiction and fixing the addiction will not fix the mental issues. Both need to be dealt with independently but at the same time. He said I am an alcoholic. When he saw my reaction, he said - call it what you want but alcohol causes you problems.
We talked about naltrexone which I have tried before and didn't like. We talked about antibuse which shocked me. I seriously don't think I am to that point. We agreed that if all this therapy doesn't keep me from drinking, then we can discuss going to that.
We also talked about how my mind works, how I obsess about everything, constantly worry and ruminate on things, get completely distracted and go down rabbit holes. Also my mood and energy swings. He said that he doesn't think it sounds like bipolar but more like OCD and anxiety. He asked if I would be willing to take Zoloft for a little while to help my brain calm down without the alcohol. He said I don't need to be on it forever just maybe for a little bit to get through this initial stage. I agreed and have another appointment with him next Friday to see how that is going.
That means I have at least 7 appointments in the next 10 days. That seems a little ridiculous but whatever it takes, right?
Oh, also, my first breathalyzer test. Kind of embarrassing.
First I met with an addiction counselor. He listened to my history even through my tears. It was really hard to admit to a stranger how long I have struggled and how hard it has been. He was a pretty straight shooter, which is good for me. He suggested that I stop trying to figure out the "why" of the problem and instead focus on the solution to the problem. He also said that my "rock bottom" was when I made that call to Kaiser. I was on such a dark place, was so sure I was quitting the day before, started rationalizing why I could drink that weekend and had an anxiety attack from all of it. He is correct because in a moment of mental crisis I just picked up the phone and called before I could change my mind - much like how I pick up a beer, in a moment of mental crisis, before I can change my mind. It felt the same - Just do it! Quick! Do it! Before you change your mind! Like there are two voices in my head fighting with each other.
He recommended an intensive outpatient program consisting of 3 hour group sessions focusing on early recovery and relapse prevention 3 times a week for 4 weeks. That sounds like a lot of time and pretty scary but I'm going to do whatever I need to do to get better. Those appointments are Mon, Wed and Fri starting tomorrow.
He also got me set up with a therapist for individual therapy. My first appt with her this Thursday.
Then I saw a psychiatrist. He was very matter of fact and to the point. A little rough around the edges but we communicated well. We had a long talk about medication and addiction vs mental issues. His opinion was that fixing the mental issues will not fix the addiction and fixing the addiction will not fix the mental issues. Both need to be dealt with independently but at the same time. He said I am an alcoholic. When he saw my reaction, he said - call it what you want but alcohol causes you problems.
We talked about naltrexone which I have tried before and didn't like. We talked about antibuse which shocked me. I seriously don't think I am to that point. We agreed that if all this therapy doesn't keep me from drinking, then we can discuss going to that.
We also talked about how my mind works, how I obsess about everything, constantly worry and ruminate on things, get completely distracted and go down rabbit holes. Also my mood and energy swings. He said that he doesn't think it sounds like bipolar but more like OCD and anxiety. He asked if I would be willing to take Zoloft for a little while to help my brain calm down without the alcohol. He said I don't need to be on it forever just maybe for a little bit to get through this initial stage. I agreed and have another appointment with him next Friday to see how that is going.
That means I have at least 7 appointments in the next 10 days. That seems a little ridiculous but whatever it takes, right?
Oh, also, my first breathalyzer test. Kind of embarrassing.
6/26/18 So Scared
I am super nervous. I couldn't sleep at all last night. All of my joints were aching and I was having hot flashes. I just tossed and turned all night. I woke up this morning with pretty bad anxiety. I can feel the nervousness in my chest and the dizziness in my head. I checked my appt time last night and it said it was for "chemical dependency". That kinds freaked me out. It's not like I'm a drug addict (well maybe). I hope no one knows why I am there. I am just super scared and embarrassed to walk in there. I wish I didn't have to go alone.
Well, I just have to pull on my big girl pants and do it. Just let go. Try not to control the whole situation - which I usually do. Trust that someone else may know what is best for me - which I don't usually believe. Be brave and have an open mind. Be open to the process. Remind myself that I am not weak and broken. I am strong and brave.
I am so scared I actually feel like I could cry. I also kind of want to cancel and crawl back in bed.
Well, I just have to pull on my big girl pants and do it. Just let go. Try not to control the whole situation - which I usually do. Trust that someone else may know what is best for me - which I don't usually believe. Be brave and have an open mind. Be open to the process. Remind myself that I am not weak and broken. I am strong and brave.
I am so scared I actually feel like I could cry. I also kind of want to cancel and crawl back in bed.
Monday, June 25, 2018
6/25/18 TED Talk on Gray Area Drinkers
Gray Area Drinking
Gray area drinkers don't need another set of cognitive hoops to jump through or to focus out will power in an attempt to fix themselves.
Intellectualizing doesn't help\, instead nourish neurotransmitters.
GABA - anti anxiety neurotransmitter - when low - anxious, worry, ruminate - drink to relax
Serotonin - antidepressant neurotransmitter - when low - depressed, crave alcohol and carbs, insomnia - drink to have fun
Dopamine - focus and motivation neurotransmitter - when low - unmotivated, unfocused - drink to connect and engage with others
How to naturally boost neurotransmitter - NOURISH - scientifically proven
N - Notice nature - 20 minutes in nature with trees and water
O - Observe your breath - boosts the calm response - regulates neurotransmitter
U - Uniting with others - social bonds, community, physical touch
R - Replenish with food - protein contains amino acids which replenish neurotransmitter, Omega 3 fatty acids from fish, flax seeds, walnuts make neurotransmitters, carbs such as leafy green vegetables break down into B vitamin which make serotonin
I - Initial movements - boosts neurotransmitter - 60 min yoga up to 80% boost
S - Sitting in stillness - meditation - replenishes neurotransmitters
H - Harness creativity - pick a single focus activity that ends in "ing" - not drinking, overeating deplete neurotransmitters
6/25/18 All Over The Place
I feel like kind of a mess for the past couple of days. My sleeping is all over the place (nine hours to 4 hours-up at 3:00 am). My energy level is all over the place (cleaning out my crawl space to laying in bed watching stupid reality tv). My emotions are all over the place (sad/depressed/worried to positive/motivated/calm). I don't want to drink and didn't have any craving this weekend but just felt really out of it and lethargic. Hopefully today will be better. I am going to force myself to work out, mow the grass, mop my floor and walk my dogs. Hopefully some forced activity will help with my mood. I think I am also a bit worried about tomorrow. I wish I had someone to go with me. I am kinda scared. I have only gone to therapy once for two appointments and it wasn't successful. I think she was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear instead of giving be real objective feedback. If felt it was more placating than counseling.
My appt tomorrow is one hour with a psychiatrist and one hour with a therapist.
I have two questions. I would love to hear everyone's opinion.
What if the psychiatrist want to prescribe me medication for depression or anxiety? I really am anti medication for myself. I don't ever judge what others do - everyone is different. I just don;'want to take it. They scare me. I am afraid of long term side effects and becoming addicted to something else. Should I not take any medication for a year of sobriety to see if the alcohol was causing all of my other issues? Then, if it isn't better after a year, consider medication? Or is it better to take medication for the next year to be able to remain sober, then stop taking them to see if the other issues are better?
How do I help pick out my own therapist? How do I make sure that the counselor I am assigned it right for me? I do better with someone who will tell me like it is. I don't always like it at the time but I think about it and it is helpful. The only time I went to therapy was for two visits. I feel like she was just placating me rather than truly objectively counseling me. I would rather have a woman. Male energy is not always the best for me bc of past trauma. I either don't trust them or try too hard to get them to respect me. I would want her to be close to my age. I would prefer it not to be some young girl (like I had last time that doesn't have very much life experience). It might be good if she has some personal experience in addiction. Many people I know that aren't addicted can't even begin to understand the mental, emotional, obsessive side of the addiction.
My appt tomorrow is one hour with a psychiatrist and one hour with a therapist.
I have two questions. I would love to hear everyone's opinion.
What if the psychiatrist want to prescribe me medication for depression or anxiety? I really am anti medication for myself. I don't ever judge what others do - everyone is different. I just don;'want to take it. They scare me. I am afraid of long term side effects and becoming addicted to something else. Should I not take any medication for a year of sobriety to see if the alcohol was causing all of my other issues? Then, if it isn't better after a year, consider medication? Or is it better to take medication for the next year to be able to remain sober, then stop taking them to see if the other issues are better?
How do I help pick out my own therapist? How do I make sure that the counselor I am assigned it right for me? I do better with someone who will tell me like it is. I don't always like it at the time but I think about it and it is helpful. The only time I went to therapy was for two visits. I feel like she was just placating me rather than truly objectively counseling me. I would rather have a woman. Male energy is not always the best for me bc of past trauma. I either don't trust them or try too hard to get them to respect me. I would want her to be close to my age. I would prefer it not to be some young girl (like I had last time that doesn't have very much life experience). It might be good if she has some personal experience in addiction. Many people I know that aren't addicted can't even begin to understand the mental, emotional, obsessive side of the addiction.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
6/24/18 Rough Sat and Complete History with Alcohol
Yesterday was rough. After four straight days of have a tom of energy and cleaning out almost my whole house, even after being up at 4:00 am, I hit a wall. I was to tired and lethargic yesterday. The swing in energy level was so dramatic. I need to talk to the therapist about this. Is it normal?
Yesterday afternoon I thought to myself, "Alcohol would definitely help my energy level. If I had a beer right now, I would get a surge of energy and good/happy feelings. It would make me feel better. When I thought that thought, I could actually feel myself feel a little better. It was weird..that even just the thought of having some alcohol improved my mood. So I did something that is really hard for me. I didn't react. I just allowed myself to feel tired, played the whole thing out in my head if I did actually have a beer, and made a cup of coffee. I do know that having that beer would have improved my energy and mood but it just isn't worth the cost.
When I was getting ready for bed, I found an old journal from 2003 and 2010 and read through all the entries (probably the coffee keeping me up). Back 2003 I made vague references to being a better person, being more healthy, being a good role model for my kids. I know I was talking about drinking less, but I would never actually write it down for the fear that someone would find my journal and I would be "outed" as having a drinking problem. In 2010, I started writing more about wasting days with hangovers and drinking too much. By 2011, I started this blog to be able to write "in secret". After reading the entries, I realized just HOW LONG I have been fighting this fight. It has been 10 years of hard core fighting (as much if not more of a thinking problem as a drinking problem) and somewhat for the 5 years before that. That is a long time...10-15 years. But it really isn't that long in the big picture of my life. I just need to figure it out this time or it will end up being 20-25 years of my life (or longer) living in this self inflicted torture chamber. Also, I wrote down my weight and I have gained 20 pounds in 8 years....urghh!!
I am only writing all of this down for my own record keeping...not bc I am obsessing :). Trying to get more of my history down here.
1996-2004 - numerous family vacations with tons of drunk drama, many nights on gross bathroom floor trying not to be sick, faking not being hungover the next morning and then drinking again
10/4/01 - Appendix out - not drinking but kinda hooked on pain meds-kind of a mental breakdown- really started my slow decent into 17 years of increasing darkness -2 months of severe depression/not getting out of bed/almost getting divorced/not taking care of my kids/attempt at therapy
1/4/02 goals - be more healthy. Wrote "part of realizing these goals is to stop drinking. When I drink I become a person that I don't really like."
1/1/03 - goals included drinking less, take better care of myself
12/13/03 - Christmas party at the Elks club - got completely wasted, threw up in the bathroom.
5/27/03 - We had a neighborhood BBQ yesterday for Memorial Day. Once again I am not very proud of myself. I drank too much and even smoked cigarettes. I will stop behaving like this at neighborhood events. I will be more careful with how much I drink. I should be setting an example for my children. I will just have to say NO! I will choose to take care of myself and be a good responsible person. I love myself and my family too much to behave this way anymore. (This was also a time when my good friend was going through some major stuff. I was there for her - 3-4 times per week - drinking heavily for 1-2 months)
2/2/04 - Went out with work friends. Ended up shutting down the bar. Terrible hangover.
4/3/04 - Neighborhood Pub crawl - terrible hangover
7/3/04 - Hysterectomy to remove a tumor (got a little hooked on pain meds but stopped)
1/05 - Found out I have DNA mutation MTHFR - can;t metabolize folic acid
2/05 - Wrote "I am little disturbed how much alcohol comes up in my journal"
5/8/05 - Mother's Day - drank too much
5/22/05 - So many times I have a beer or two and all pf a sudden I want to have party. When this happens I lose focus on my family. It almost seems like it becomes more important. I only drank 3 beers yesterday but lost focus . It seems like my behavior changes earlier in the day so that I can create the opportunity to party later. I am always so afraid I will miss a party I really need to stop drinking to be at better wife mother and person.
6/21/05 - Renaissance Festival - drank too much
12/31/05 - New Year's Eve party as our house - drank too much
6/06 - Lake Powell Trip - drank way to much all week.
7/06 - Steamboat - drank too much - fighting with sister
1/1/07 - Terrible hangover
4/07 - Mammogram scare
4/21/07 - Neighborhood pub crawl - drank too much
6/07 - Trip to Orlando - stayed up one night by myself watching the Sopranos and drank at least one bottle of wine while everyone else was asleep.
1/1/08 - Terrible hangover. Wrote " I need to grow up and be a better role model!"
1/19/08 - 40th bday party - got wasted
2/23/08 - Went to the mountains - drank too much
7/08 - Renaissance Festival - drank too much embarrassed myself - temper tantrum about leaving
7/21/08 - I am now an older version of the same me in all the previous entries. You can't expect things to change it you don't change your behavior. You first must change your mind. I have struggled with this issue for far too long. It needs to stop. I am in my forties now It is time! Day 2. (First read about the man standing in the bridge analogy)
8/08 - Lake Powell - drank all week
8/08 - Wrote "I am no longer a partier"
8/08 - Lake Powell - drank all week
8/09 - Snowmass - fighting with sister p drank too much
7/09 - Lake Powell - drank all week
8/8/09 - I think I might be an alcoholic. I make promise after promise to myself and break all of them. I am ashamed of myself and my behavior. I am a terrible role model for my children and not a good mom to them. The thing that scares me the most about coming to this conclusion is that I can't imagine ever having a glass of wine or a beer ever again. I want to be able to enjoy alcohol without it being a problem. I think I am beginning to realize that this is not possible for me. I can't seem to go more than three days without drinking. One drink never stays at one. I lose control and stop paying attention to how much I drink, drink too much, wake up with a hangover, feel terrible about myself, promise not to drink anymore...repeat. I think I have a disease I can't get rid of. No matter how much I want to enjoy that glass of wine, I can't. It will put me back on the same track. Maybe not that day but eventually. I am a strong, intelligent person, I can do this! I can be an inspiration to others! I can be a good role model! I can be proud of myself! I don't drink! Last night was my last drink of alcohol! I promise!
11/25/09 - You can't expect things to change if you never make a change. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Wednesday, 11/25/08, is the day I take care of myself. Today I become the person I have always wanted to be. We are the choices we make. Be the light that inspires others. Day 1!
4/18/10 - Broke my wrist snowboarding - drank and took pain pills
5/15/10 attempted a 30
6/2010 - Cancun - got wasted one night - completely lost my mind - embarrassed
7/2010 - Mountains - wasted - huge fight with sister
1/1/11 attempted a 30
8/2011 - Joined MM
7/12 - Punta Cana - drank all week
2013 - Drank almost every weekend - many terrible hangovers - only 7 posts all year
6/13 - Florida - Jensen Beach - drank all week - dd graduation present
7/13 - Florida - Marathon - drank all week
7/13 - Vail - fighting with sister - drank too much
11/13 - Hot tub with friend - 2 bottles of wine
11/13 - Breckenridge - Thanksgiving - embarrassingly drunk
4/14 - Beaver Creek - made a complete ass of myself - drunk - switched hotels
7/14 - Punta Cana - made an ass out of myself - huge fight about the room
2/15 - Granby - didn't drink - instead used edibles
3/15 - Edwards - sneaking and guzzling in room
6/15 - DC - drank all week
12/15 - Las Vegas - complete drinking disaster
3/16 - Keystone - sneaking/guzzling at bar while sister went to bathroom
7/16 - Alaska - embarrassed myself in front of new family
7/16 - Florida - Ft Myers - drank all week - terrible kayaoke night
3/17 - Glenwood with sister - so hung over couldn'y ski
5/17 - Glenwood - son's graduation present - so hungover couldn't get out of bed
6/17 - Alaska -wasted on the plane - realized that alcohol is sucking the joy from my life
Yesterday afternoon I thought to myself, "Alcohol would definitely help my energy level. If I had a beer right now, I would get a surge of energy and good/happy feelings. It would make me feel better. When I thought that thought, I could actually feel myself feel a little better. It was weird..that even just the thought of having some alcohol improved my mood. So I did something that is really hard for me. I didn't react. I just allowed myself to feel tired, played the whole thing out in my head if I did actually have a beer, and made a cup of coffee. I do know that having that beer would have improved my energy and mood but it just isn't worth the cost.
When I was getting ready for bed, I found an old journal from 2003 and 2010 and read through all the entries (probably the coffee keeping me up). Back 2003 I made vague references to being a better person, being more healthy, being a good role model for my kids. I know I was talking about drinking less, but I would never actually write it down for the fear that someone would find my journal and I would be "outed" as having a drinking problem. In 2010, I started writing more about wasting days with hangovers and drinking too much. By 2011, I started this blog to be able to write "in secret". After reading the entries, I realized just HOW LONG I have been fighting this fight. It has been 10 years of hard core fighting (as much if not more of a thinking problem as a drinking problem) and somewhat for the 5 years before that. That is a long time...10-15 years. But it really isn't that long in the big picture of my life. I just need to figure it out this time or it will end up being 20-25 years of my life (or longer) living in this self inflicted torture chamber. Also, I wrote down my weight and I have gained 20 pounds in 8 years....urghh!!
I am only writing all of this down for my own record keeping...not bc I am obsessing :). Trying to get more of my history down here.
1996-2004 - numerous family vacations with tons of drunk drama, many nights on gross bathroom floor trying not to be sick, faking not being hungover the next morning and then drinking again
10/4/01 - Appendix out - not drinking but kinda hooked on pain meds-kind of a mental breakdown- really started my slow decent into 17 years of increasing darkness -2 months of severe depression/not getting out of bed/almost getting divorced/not taking care of my kids/attempt at therapy
1/4/02 goals - be more healthy. Wrote "part of realizing these goals is to stop drinking. When I drink I become a person that I don't really like."
1/1/03 - goals included drinking less, take better care of myself
12/13/03 - Christmas party at the Elks club - got completely wasted, threw up in the bathroom.
5/27/03 - We had a neighborhood BBQ yesterday for Memorial Day. Once again I am not very proud of myself. I drank too much and even smoked cigarettes. I will stop behaving like this at neighborhood events. I will be more careful with how much I drink. I should be setting an example for my children. I will just have to say NO! I will choose to take care of myself and be a good responsible person. I love myself and my family too much to behave this way anymore. (This was also a time when my good friend was going through some major stuff. I was there for her - 3-4 times per week - drinking heavily for 1-2 months)
2/2/04 - Went out with work friends. Ended up shutting down the bar. Terrible hangover.
4/3/04 - Neighborhood Pub crawl - terrible hangover
7/3/04 - Hysterectomy to remove a tumor (got a little hooked on pain meds but stopped)
1/05 - Found out I have DNA mutation MTHFR - can;t metabolize folic acid
2/05 - Wrote "I am little disturbed how much alcohol comes up in my journal"
5/8/05 - Mother's Day - drank too much
5/22/05 - So many times I have a beer or two and all pf a sudden I want to have party. When this happens I lose focus on my family. It almost seems like it becomes more important. I only drank 3 beers yesterday but lost focus . It seems like my behavior changes earlier in the day so that I can create the opportunity to party later. I am always so afraid I will miss a party I really need to stop drinking to be at better wife mother and person.
6/21/05 - Renaissance Festival - drank too much
12/31/05 - New Year's Eve party as our house - drank too much
6/06 - Lake Powell Trip - drank way to much all week.
7/06 - Steamboat - drank too much - fighting with sister
1/1/07 - Terrible hangover
4/07 - Mammogram scare
4/21/07 - Neighborhood pub crawl - drank too much
6/07 - Trip to Orlando - stayed up one night by myself watching the Sopranos and drank at least one bottle of wine while everyone else was asleep.
1/1/08 - Terrible hangover. Wrote " I need to grow up and be a better role model!"
1/19/08 - 40th bday party - got wasted
2/23/08 - Went to the mountains - drank too much
7/08 - Renaissance Festival - drank too much embarrassed myself - temper tantrum about leaving
7/21/08 - I am now an older version of the same me in all the previous entries. You can't expect things to change it you don't change your behavior. You first must change your mind. I have struggled with this issue for far too long. It needs to stop. I am in my forties now It is time! Day 2. (First read about the man standing in the bridge analogy)
8/08 - Lake Powell - drank all week
8/08 - Wrote "I am no longer a partier"
8/08 - Lake Powell - drank all week
8/09 - Snowmass - fighting with sister p drank too much
7/09 - Lake Powell - drank all week
8/8/09 - I think I might be an alcoholic. I make promise after promise to myself and break all of them. I am ashamed of myself and my behavior. I am a terrible role model for my children and not a good mom to them. The thing that scares me the most about coming to this conclusion is that I can't imagine ever having a glass of wine or a beer ever again. I want to be able to enjoy alcohol without it being a problem. I think I am beginning to realize that this is not possible for me. I can't seem to go more than three days without drinking. One drink never stays at one. I lose control and stop paying attention to how much I drink, drink too much, wake up with a hangover, feel terrible about myself, promise not to drink anymore...repeat. I think I have a disease I can't get rid of. No matter how much I want to enjoy that glass of wine, I can't. It will put me back on the same track. Maybe not that day but eventually. I am a strong, intelligent person, I can do this! I can be an inspiration to others! I can be a good role model! I can be proud of myself! I don't drink! Last night was my last drink of alcohol! I promise!
11/25/09 - You can't expect things to change if you never make a change. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Wednesday, 11/25/08, is the day I take care of myself. Today I become the person I have always wanted to be. We are the choices we make. Be the light that inspires others. Day 1!
4/18/10 - Broke my wrist snowboarding - drank and took pain pills
5/15/10 attempted a 30
6/2010 - Cancun - got wasted one night - completely lost my mind - embarrassed
7/2010 - Mountains - wasted - huge fight with sister
1/1/11 attempted a 30
8/2011 - Joined MM
7/12 - Punta Cana - drank all week
2013 - Drank almost every weekend - many terrible hangovers - only 7 posts all year
6/13 - Florida - Jensen Beach - drank all week - dd graduation present
7/13 - Florida - Marathon - drank all week
7/13 - Vail - fighting with sister - drank too much
11/13 - Hot tub with friend - 2 bottles of wine
11/13 - Breckenridge - Thanksgiving - embarrassingly drunk
4/14 - Beaver Creek - made a complete ass of myself - drunk - switched hotels
7/14 - Punta Cana - made an ass out of myself - huge fight about the room
2/15 - Granby - didn't drink - instead used edibles
3/15 - Edwards - sneaking and guzzling in room
6/15 - DC - drank all week
12/15 - Las Vegas - complete drinking disaster
3/16 - Keystone - sneaking/guzzling at bar while sister went to bathroom
7/16 - Alaska - embarrassed myself in front of new family
7/16 - Florida - Ft Myers - drank all week - terrible kayaoke night
3/17 - Glenwood with sister - so hung over couldn'y ski
5/17 - Glenwood - son's graduation present - so hungover couldn't get out of bed
6/17 - Alaska -wasted on the plane - realized that alcohol is sucking the joy from my life
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)