3/31/16 (Thurs) Selfish/not drinking this weekend/30 days

It is interesting to me how selfish drinking really is.  I am not going to drink this weekend and it changes the way I think about it.  When something comes up like taking my nephews to church for my sister or doing something my mom needs done, my thinking shifts.  When I know I am going to drink, my thoughts go to, "Well, I am not going to want to sleep in, or what if an impromptu neighborhood party happens, of what if everyone wants to get drinks after work on Friday, or what if is sunny Friday after snowing all week and I want to sit outside with a beer, or I don't want to be responsible for driving." It's not like it's fully conscious thoughts its more of an underlying thought of keeping my options open just in case an opportunity to drink comes up. Its about not making any "non drinking" commitments to anyone just in case.  It all is a bit selfish.  And stressful.  And exhausting.

3/30/16 (Wed) Has my flame gone out?

Yes....My flame is barely a flicker.  Every time I drink excessively I feel like my wick barely even has a bit of smoke coming off of it.  I takes me 4 days to get it back to a low burning level where I actually want to participate in my pwn life.  My BIGGEST problem is that when I finally start feeling better (which happens to be the next weekend - welcome to the world of a weekend binge drinker), that is exactly when I feel like drinking again.  Why do I time and time and time again forget how lousy I feel after drinking and how long it takes to recover?  I am not a stupid person - I have a masters degree, am a teacher of 20 years, have a loving family, a nice house and great friends.  Why can't I figure out how to stop the insanity.  Scratch that...I know how to stop the insanity....the real question is....why don't I?

3/28/16 (Mon) Spring Break Failure - drank 8/12 days - did do 30 in January but then started again

This is how I feel today.  First day back to school after a terrible Spring Break.  I have drank 8 out of the last 12 evenings.  The ONLY days I did not drink were because I had such a bad hangover I couldn't.  I am utterly and completely exhausted.  I didn't drink at all in January, but since then it hasn't been good.  Only on the weekends except for this week, but EVERY Friday, Saturday and usually Sunday I am drinking and with a vengeance.  Back to going upstairs in the hotel to "make popcorn" but also guzzle another beer (after I've already had 5) getting obviously more drunk than everyone else....back to getting another beer at the ski lodge bar and guzzling it while my kids were skiing and my sister was in the bathroom.  I'm talking an IPA draft beer in 10 minutes...back to already having 2 bloody marys by 1:00 pm because it is sunny and we are skiing...back to only sleeping 4 hours EVERY SINGLE time I drink - I wake up heart pounding, sweating, feeling like a "f"ing idiot...back to no energy, no motivation, no real inner peace and joy just all of the internal chaotic bullshit noise that that is either screaming and plotting for the next drinking occasion or beating myself up for the last one.  Just plain ridiculous!

1/4/16 (Mon) Vegas and doing a 30

Well....I decided to keep writing. It really helps me process all that I am thinking and feeling.  I don't do it for the feedback, although I truly enjoy when people care and respond to what is going on in my life. I feel that I have made some really good "cyber" friends and I value your honest opinions and feedback. I really just need to write in order to process my journey.  So I will continue to write....

My Christmas break was a disaster.  Granted my daughter turned 21 and we took her to Vegas to celebrate, but it was a disaster all the way around.  I drank 11 of the 16 days with 4 pretty substantial hangovers.  I stopped taking the naltrexone and just went back to my old ways.

The last day I drank was December 29 and it took 5 days to reenter my life.  My "brain fog" finally lifted yesterday and I go back to work today.  I have spent the last two weeks either drinking in the evenings or recovering from drinking.  I am totally exhausted.

I am not drinking the month of January (at least).  I need a break. My body needs a break.  My mind needs a break. My spirit needs a break. I feel so much better when I don't drink.  I am so much more patient, kind, quiet, calm and peaceful when I don't drink.  I need to stop letting my need to drink on Friday and Saturday nights ruin the rest of my life.

I listened to this 8 minute meditation http://mrsmindfulness.com/new-years-meditation/  today that I thought was very appropriate to the new year.  What really matters? my joy, happiness, peacefulness, contentment and self love every day of the week OR my "need" to have a drug on Friday and Saturday to be social and enjoy my weekend (which is really just an illusion that drug addiction throws over my eyes to make me continue).

Doing better

Well..I have been away.  I always struggle posting when I have made a grand plan (this time not drinking for 100 days) and then I break that promise to myself.  I feel like a failure.

Here is where I'm at. I obviously did not do my 100 days.  I would have still been posting. But I also haven't gone off the rails either.

I honestly really do believe the naltrexone are helping me.  I am not drinking at all during the week, which hasn't really been much of a problem lately anyway.  My problem always comes with binge drinking on the weekends.  Here is what the naltrexone is doing for me.

On a Friday or Saturday or occasionally Sunday I do want a beer...badly. (I haven't had wine in over a month.  I had to break up with wine because it makes me crazy).  I take 1/4 of a pill one hour before I'm going to drink.  The actual planning and them delaying sometimes keeps me from drinking altogether.  During the hour I eat something and drink something non alcoholic. Sometimes my craving goes away on its own.  I would get in trouble when I would go out after school on a Friday afternoon and continue to drink into the night without even eating. Usually the craving doesn't go away and I do drink a beer after one hour.

When drinking on the pill, I feel different.  I little tired, maybe even a little irritable.  I certainly don't feel that hyped up/let's go do something/let's partaay/super social/can't get enough feeling that led to my binges.  After I finish the one, sometimes I don't even feel like another.  If I do have another, that is it and sometimes it is hard to finish that one.

It's hard to explain the difference.  In the past, when I would drink, alcohol made me happy, excited, hyper, fun loving, social so of course I wanted to prolong that feeling by drinking more.  I am not getting those same "happy" feelings while on the pill.  It's almost like it wasn't really the alcohol that was making me drink more...it was the way I felt about how I was feeling that made me drink more which I realize was actually cause by the alcohol. I realize that probably made no sense or was obvious it's just hard to explain.

Something has shifted in the way I perceive alcohol. I almost look at it like alcohol used to be the enemy, but now I look at it like my feelings towards it and how I felt on it were the true enemy.  This sounds stupid because I realize alcohol was what was making me feel hyper/social/energetic/happy.

Now that I am not having those feelings while drinking, I don't really care to have more than one or two.  The craving is still there in the beginning, but once I take the pill and drink, the cravings don't continue.  I don't seem to be chasing the feelings alcohol gives me because it isn't giving that to me anymore.....does any of this ramblings make sense?????  I don't know....all I know is that I am doing better :)

The sun is still the same and Leaving Las Vegas

I love that sobermom commented, "The sun is still the same."

Yesterday was a close one.  I was fine in the am and then a fellow teacher said, "Let's get a beer after work."  That's it! I was having a beer in the sun after work with a friend after a long work week.  I had just decided. I just wouldn't blog for awhile (for fear of looking like a failure) and then come back later when I had successfully been moderating for awhile (haha).

Well, she left right after school and didn't say anything.  She prob just mentioned it but wasn't really serious anyway, where as I was thinking about it, stewing over it, debating ever since she mentioned it.  I was glad that the opportunity had not presented itself.  We also almost went to dinner with my sister and I was pretty set on a glass of wine.  Those plans also fell through.  Someone was looking out for me :)

I went home and walked my dogs. When walking I always think about stuff.  The thoughts going through my head were, "Glad that didn't happen. I would have had to change the title of my blog...again. How would dinner have been different with or without the wine? Why did it matter so much? Either I drink for those two hours and then feel bad about it bc I broke a commitment to myself, or I don't drink and am proud of myself.  Why are THOSE TWO hours so important?  It is just a two hour dinner?  Who cares if I drink? Get through the two hours without the stupid drug and the whole next day (like 24 hours) will be better.  Why do I care so much about it?  Plenty of people go out to dinner, go on vacation, socialize, sit in the sun without drinking and actually enjoy it!'

When I went to bed, Leaving Las Vegas was on.  I watched the whole thing again.  Talk about a depressing tale of an alcoholic who literally drank himself to death.  There was one scene where he was laying on the couch sleeping and he started that jerking thing before he had to get up, stumble to the fridge and frantically put alcohol into his system.  That was so scary to watch. I think I rewound it and watched it 5 times. I know I am not even close to that bad, but I have had little feelings of can't get enough  while at a party and I have experienced that terrible feeling in my body when I have a hangover.  I don't physically jerk around, but my heart feels like it turn circles in my chest and I feel sweaty and internally shaky.  I thought to myself, "I don't want to become anything like that."

Was it just coincidence that movie was on right at that time....probably  not.

Weekend

I am going to be real here and say that tonight might be difficult.  I have had one hell of a week.  I have worked 60 hours this week because we had conferences.  I meet with 34 sets of parents (one conference every 15 minutes) for two days and I am utterly exhausted!  It is Friday, my room is a disaster and I am not ready for next week.  And.....the sun is supposed to be shining this afternoon. Anyone who knows me, knows that is a HUGE trigger for me! I am on day 13 and I don't want to drink, but  I am also not in denial that I may feel differently at 3:00 this afternoon.  I am going to really try to keep a positive mind about it.

My mantra is going to be,

"I would rather be sober." 

I want to enjoy what I am doing, even if that means sitting in the sun or on the couch, fully present and sober.  I want to wake up the next two mornings without a hangover, not feeling guilty, feeling really proud of myself, clear headed, ready to take on the things that I need to get done. I want to wake up Monday morning ready to face the new week rested and positive.