Today I feel pretty good. Thanksgiving was a epic fail. Drank way too much wine on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Woke up with HOs. Absed Monday, drank Tuesday and Wednesday, was a mess on Thanksgiving - absed. I even faked being sick so not to have to do the extended family thing. I was depressed and I was afraid they would have wine. Then DRANK again on Friday! Not a lot - only 3 beers - but still! What the hell is wrong with me?
Did not drink Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, or today. I am finally coming out of my alcohol fog, finally getting a little energy back, finally not feeling so cranky. And what am I worried about - DRINKING this weekend!!!! I don't want to! I really just want to be sober for awhile to get all of the alcohol out of my system. I am going to not drink this weekend! That statement gives me a little anxiety. I would usually say I am going to try to not drink this weekend.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
What is your plan now?
Someone asked me this question. Someone else told me to save my response for later.
What is your plan now? I am not sure (just being honest). Are you quitting, or are you drinking a few on the weekends and none on weekdays? For sure none on the weekdays. We will see on the weekends. I really just want to perm abs. I told myself - one more HO and I was done - it was proof I couldn't control it. How is it working for you? Thanksgiving break was an epic fail! Look at my abstar - it is disgusting! Fell back into my own miserable patterns. Drank wine! Wine is terrible for me. For sure no more wine - ever! I feel like I want to try to moderate one more time just once or twice a week but with only beer. Then again - one more HO and I am done! (As I am typing this there is a little voice in my head saying, "What is it going to take - one more abusive incident and you could have things happen that could change your life forever! Why risk it!" ) I have been thinking a lot about what you guys say about giving the absing some time so I can actually think more clearly about it. I am strongly considering doing a 30 (at least). I have not gone 30 days in 22 years (except when pregnant and when I quit smoking - I quit drinking for 6 months because it was the only way I could quit smoking)
What is your plan now? I am not sure (just being honest). Are you quitting, or are you drinking a few on the weekends and none on weekdays? For sure none on the weekdays. We will see on the weekends. I really just want to perm abs. I told myself - one more HO and I was done - it was proof I couldn't control it. How is it working for you? Thanksgiving break was an epic fail! Look at my abstar - it is disgusting! Fell back into my own miserable patterns. Drank wine! Wine is terrible for me. For sure no more wine - ever! I feel like I want to try to moderate one more time just once or twice a week but with only beer. Then again - one more HO and I am done! (As I am typing this there is a little voice in my head saying, "What is it going to take - one more abusive incident and you could have things happen that could change your life forever! Why risk it!" ) I have been thinking a lot about what you guys say about giving the absing some time so I can actually think more clearly about it. I am strongly considering doing a 30 (at least). I have not gone 30 days in 22 years (except when pregnant and when I quit smoking - I quit drinking for 6 months because it was the only way I could quit smoking)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
History of Sober Saturdays
I went back and checked my abstar row. I have been counting since March 2010. I have only had 10 sober Saturdays in that much time and they were usually followed by a binge on Fridays - too HO to drink.
I love being able to go back and look at my numbers. I am getting better at not drinking during the week - In April 2010 I only had 1 day that I could put in a 0! I now abs 3-5 days a week regularly. However, my problem has always been binge drinking on the weekends. It is interesting that as my daily numbers crept up - my bingeing decresed - probably supplying my body with a constant stream of alc kept my addiction happy. As I have gotten my daily numbers under control - my bingeing has gotten worse followed by excruciating HOs. I think my body works so hard to clear itself of the toxins during the week that 1- it is in all out craving/panic mode by the time Friday comes (which leads to a binge) and 2 - it just can't handle that much alco being thrown back into the system at one time. My body is tired of fighting this toxin.
I love being able to go back and look at my numbers. I am getting better at not drinking during the week - In April 2010 I only had 1 day that I could put in a 0! I now abs 3-5 days a week regularly. However, my problem has always been binge drinking on the weekends. It is interesting that as my daily numbers crept up - my bingeing decresed - probably supplying my body with a constant stream of alc kept my addiction happy. As I have gotten my daily numbers under control - my bingeing has gotten worse followed by excruciating HOs. I think my body works so hard to clear itself of the toxins during the week that 1- it is in all out craving/panic mode by the time Friday comes (which leads to a binge) and 2 - it just can't handle that much alco being thrown back into the system at one time. My body is tired of fighting this toxin.
Sober Saturday 11/27/11
I did not drink last night. Not because I couldn't, but because I didn't want to. This was a big accomplishment - I think the first time in 20 years to do so without a glass of wine in my hand. Just another occasion to drink in the past. I made a couple of interesting observations.
1. We put up our Christmas tree and I did not get in a fight with dh - that is a first!
2. He thought the tree was crooked so we took it back and got a different one - that would have pissed me off if I would have been drinking - who cares - it is fine - if we leave, I have to take a break form my wine! (I would have thought that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
3. While we were getting a new one - I saw 4 people I knew - I wasn't trying to avoid them bc they might smell the alcohol or I might act stupid. I don't even think they had been drinking! Hmmmm - I thought everyone drank on Saturdays.
4. We decided we needed more lights at 7:00. Dd and I went to get more. That would have pissed me off in the past - It's fine - who cares - Why do I always have to do it! - I shouldn't be driving anyway! (I would think that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
5. We stopped right in the middle - ate dinner and watched a movie - that wouldn't have happened in the past. I get a little hell bent on getting things finished when drinking. Let's just get it done even though dh wanted to watch a movie.
6. I did not wake up this morning to a sink full of dirty dishes - I actually did them before I went to bed.
Interesting .......
1. We put up our Christmas tree and I did not get in a fight with dh - that is a first!
2. He thought the tree was crooked so we took it back and got a different one - that would have pissed me off if I would have been drinking - who cares - it is fine - if we leave, I have to take a break form my wine! (I would have thought that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
3. While we were getting a new one - I saw 4 people I knew - I wasn't trying to avoid them bc they might smell the alcohol or I might act stupid. I don't even think they had been drinking! Hmmmm - I thought everyone drank on Saturdays.
4. We decided we needed more lights at 7:00. Dd and I went to get more. That would have pissed me off in the past - It's fine - who cares - Why do I always have to do it! - I shouldn't be driving anyway! (I would think that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
5. We stopped right in the middle - ate dinner and watched a movie - that wouldn't have happened in the past. I get a little hell bent on getting things finished when drinking. Let's just get it done even though dh wanted to watch a movie.
6. I did not wake up this morning to a sink full of dirty dishes - I actually did them before I went to bed.
Interesting .......
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Vulnerabilty
Yesterday I woke up, determined not to drink - prayed for the strength - determined to start this new life of mine - and then - in the evening - drank! Not a lot - 3 beers - but still - drank. Urghhhhh!
I received a post on the mmabsers list about vulnerability. Listened to the talk last night. It was very interesting. She talked about all of the ways we fight being vulnerable. The two things that stood out to me were - being busy to disguise our vulnerability and numbing any kind of feeling - good or bad to hide vulnerability. She also said that while vulnerability is the place of fear - is it is also the birth place of joy.
I think I might be in that place. I put on such a front that I have it all together, good wife, mother, teacher, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, co worker, etc. I try to be everything to everyone. Part of my problem, I think with admitting I have an "alcohol obsession" is that I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to burden anyone else (mother, children) with my problem. I don't want them to worry about me or be disappointed in me of I fail. I don't want to slip up and have a drink after I have announced that I don't drink and have people look at me the way they looked at my father - What is wrong with him? Is alcohol worth more to him than his family? That, I think, is a pretty deep seeded fear that I think I just figured out. I also don't want my friends to me disappointed in the fact that I don't drink anymore - I know they will be.
I am also starting to see that alcohol is affecting my relationship with dh. Not because he thinks I have a problem, but because I am always miserable. Not happy with myself for many reason including broken promises to myself (that no one knows about), not getting to the gym, having HO that I disguise as being sick, putting on a couple pounds. I know that I am definitely pushing him away. I just keep telling myself that as soon as I feel better about myself, I will open myself up to letting him love me. I have been telling myself that for years. I am not sure how much longer he should have to wait.
I just keep telling myself that I will secretly fight this battle with moderation. Just be really careful and not draw any attention to myself. It will definitely draw attention if I don't drink anything.
Here are the links for the videos I watched:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Thank you lulu!
I received a post on the mmabsers list about vulnerability. Listened to the talk last night. It was very interesting. She talked about all of the ways we fight being vulnerable. The two things that stood out to me were - being busy to disguise our vulnerability and numbing any kind of feeling - good or bad to hide vulnerability. She also said that while vulnerability is the place of fear - is it is also the birth place of joy.
I think I might be in that place. I put on such a front that I have it all together, good wife, mother, teacher, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, co worker, etc. I try to be everything to everyone. Part of my problem, I think with admitting I have an "alcohol obsession" is that I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to burden anyone else (mother, children) with my problem. I don't want them to worry about me or be disappointed in me of I fail. I don't want to slip up and have a drink after I have announced that I don't drink and have people look at me the way they looked at my father - What is wrong with him? Is alcohol worth more to him than his family? That, I think, is a pretty deep seeded fear that I think I just figured out. I also don't want my friends to me disappointed in the fact that I don't drink anymore - I know they will be.
I am also starting to see that alcohol is affecting my relationship with dh. Not because he thinks I have a problem, but because I am always miserable. Not happy with myself for many reason including broken promises to myself (that no one knows about), not getting to the gym, having HO that I disguise as being sick, putting on a couple pounds. I know that I am definitely pushing him away. I just keep telling myself that as soon as I feel better about myself, I will open myself up to letting him love me. I have been telling myself that for years. I am not sure how much longer he should have to wait.
I just keep telling myself that I will secretly fight this battle with moderation. Just be really careful and not draw any attention to myself. It will definitely draw attention if I don't drink anything.
Here are the links for the videos I watched:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Thank you lulu!
Friday, November 25, 2011
What am I grateful for?
Let's see - what am I grateful for (on terms of my issues with alcohol) :
1. The mmabsers list - which keeps gently reminding me the peace and joy that comes from sobriety
2. The mm list which got me to this place to begin with
3. Some personal friends I have made here (you know who you are) who are always checking in on me
4. I haven't ever been in trouble with the law when it comes to my drinking.
5. I haven't ever had the official "shakes", vomiting, seizures that come from full on physical withdrawal
6. I haven't lost anyone I love because of my personal struggles
7. I don't ever drink when I first get up to help with withdrawals
8. My family doesn't now that I struggle this much with my addiction
9. No one at my work know I struggles with this obsession
10. Everyone still loves me and basically thinks I am a good person
10. Everyone still loves me and basically thinks I am a good person
11. I still have the respect of my husband, daughter and son
12. I am healthy despite the toxin I keep putting in my body
13. I still have the ability to fight the fight.
I look at this list and it seems to be a list of potential disasters (#4 - #13) that could change my life forever if I don't get this under control. That is a little scary.
I am ultimately in control of the choices I make
I get something in my inbox called - The Morning Blessing. This is what it said today.
You are in charge of birthing all you desire through your beliefs,
through you engagements of energy, action, and thought!
As these move into your heart space you start to see
them become externalized as your life.
You are the only one that creates stages and outcomes
of situations that benefit your own Soul growth.
You, my dear self, have the ability in all abstract events in your
life to pull in divine intervention, to rearrange what doesn't feel good,
to rewrite the ending to any story.
The buck stops with you. You have the gift of coming
full swing into Godness if you choose.
All things, believe it or not, are at your beck and call and creation.
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