Lots of new people at the meeting yesterday - two of which just got out of inpatient. We were talking about the varying degrees of the people in the group. I shared that although I have only had minor physical withdrawals (heart palpitations, anxiety, sweating) I had mentally gotten so bad that I had wished I would have a withdrawal seizure so I would know for certain I was "bad enough" to stop. The girl who just got out of inpatient said she had gone to medical detox twice in May. She said that you do not want to go through that. It is horrible. Again, I am just using the experiences of all of the people in the group to reinforce my reasons for quitting. The 5 DUI guy said yesterday that he isn't physically addicted because he doesn't get the shakes. I want to say to him - "that is bc you admitted you have drank everyday for the past 30 years". He also talks about cracking open his beers in the car on the way home from work bc "why not - they are cold." His level of denial is astonishing and I am tired of listening to his using stories like they are a badge of honor. I am going to ask my therapists today at my individual appointment how to deal with it.
I did learn yesterday that there are certain behaviors that can signal a relapse. For example, I think sometimes I drink bc I am lonely and/or bored. I miss connecting with other people when I isolate. I don't mind watching Netflix on a Saturday night and have given myself permission to do so but I think after a while it starts to depress me a bit. When I really start isolating, maybe that is a sign that a relapse could be coming and I need to do something about it. I need to find some sober groups to meet with, go out with my friends without drinking, volunteer, accept offers to go out to dinner, just force myself to be around people so that I am not constantly isolating and then have a need to drink to connect. I am a very social person and I need to find a way to connect with people without drinking or I will end up drinking again bc I am lonely.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Saturday, July 7, 2018
7/7/18 4th Group Mtg and Talked to my sister
I went to my group meeting yesterday. I was so sad to hear that of the 10 of us, 3 had relapsed over the holiday. I could see the disappointment and sadness in their eyes as they admitted it. They were different the entire meeting - quieter, watery/nervous eyes, sad...I know those feelings. I tried to use that as motivation. I would be feeling the exact same way if I had drank and I don't want to feel that way anymore.
The meeting was fine. Sometimes I am getting sick of all the time this is taking up - like 14 hours a week with the commute- but I am committed to seeing it through. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to share bc all those these people seem to be further down the road than me. That one guy (turns out this is his 5th DUI) was there and I am really struggling with that. He is so smug. He acts like...I have been were you all are, I know all the rules about getting a DUI, I have been to rehab/on antibuse/to jail/etc. and let me share that with you. He really does monopolize the conversation and sometimes even gets a little condescending and rude to other members of the group. No one says anything and I feel bad for the therapists, but don't know if I should say anything. I do know that he causes me anxiety during the group. I am afraid if I call him out, I will just be causing more tension which is not good for the group. Maybe I will email the therapist.
Yesterday we talked about truthfulness and total abstinence. It was interesting, but not really any new information. I was too preoccupied with how annoyed I was feeling.
My sister finally asked me (2 weeks later) how it was going. We talked for a bit and the question she asked was, "Have you asked them if you would be able to drink moderately again in the future?" WHAT!?!?! Did she really just ask me that? I don't get it. Is she really that clueless about what I have been going through? Does she really want me to drink with her that badly? Is she not willing to look at her own drinking so is uncomfortable with me looking at mine? Does she really even listen when I tell her how bad it is gotten? I was shocked she would ask me that. I told her that I have already proven to my self over the last ten years that I cannot be attempting to moderate and find happiness. It is just too much of a mental obsession, even if I am not drinking that much by other people's standards. I also told her that I have learned that once you cross that line into addiction, you can never go back. As much as I would like to be a moderate drinker (even though I am not even sure of that anymore but didn't say that to her) and drink with her, it is just not worth the mental obsession/anxiety/depression/torture that comes with it. She is a big trigger for me. She is the one I almost always break my sobriety with. Maybe that is bc I know she secretly wants me to continue to drink with her so she won't judge me when I do drink. I don't know how to make her understand just how mentally destructive alcohol is for me - even when I am successfully moderating.
The meeting was fine. Sometimes I am getting sick of all the time this is taking up - like 14 hours a week with the commute- but I am committed to seeing it through. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to share bc all those these people seem to be further down the road than me. That one guy (turns out this is his 5th DUI) was there and I am really struggling with that. He is so smug. He acts like...I have been were you all are, I know all the rules about getting a DUI, I have been to rehab/on antibuse/to jail/etc. and let me share that with you. He really does monopolize the conversation and sometimes even gets a little condescending and rude to other members of the group. No one says anything and I feel bad for the therapists, but don't know if I should say anything. I do know that he causes me anxiety during the group. I am afraid if I call him out, I will just be causing more tension which is not good for the group. Maybe I will email the therapist.
Yesterday we talked about truthfulness and total abstinence. It was interesting, but not really any new information. I was too preoccupied with how annoyed I was feeling.
My sister finally asked me (2 weeks later) how it was going. We talked for a bit and the question she asked was, "Have you asked them if you would be able to drink moderately again in the future?" WHAT!?!?! Did she really just ask me that? I don't get it. Is she really that clueless about what I have been going through? Does she really want me to drink with her that badly? Is she not willing to look at her own drinking so is uncomfortable with me looking at mine? Does she really even listen when I tell her how bad it is gotten? I was shocked she would ask me that. I told her that I have already proven to my self over the last ten years that I cannot be attempting to moderate and find happiness. It is just too much of a mental obsession, even if I am not drinking that much by other people's standards. I also told her that I have learned that once you cross that line into addiction, you can never go back. As much as I would like to be a moderate drinker (even though I am not even sure of that anymore but didn't say that to her) and drink with her, it is just not worth the mental obsession/anxiety/depression/torture that comes with it. She is a big trigger for me. She is the one I almost always break my sobriety with. Maybe that is bc I know she secretly wants me to continue to drink with her so she won't judge me when I do drink. I don't know how to make her understand just how mentally destructive alcohol is for me - even when I am successfully moderating.
Thursday, July 5, 2018
7/5/18 3rd Group Meeting, 2nd Individual Apt and 4th of July
Monday I went to my group appt. It was fine. There was one guy there who was super annoying. He was new and tried to dominate the conversation like he was an expert saying things like, "It's all about self awareness. You have to be ready to do it for yourself. You have to find reasons to stay sober." He just kept talking to the group like he was the therapist for like three hours. I could tell he has done this before. I just kept thinking to myself, "If you were such an expert, you wouldn't be sitting here with you third felony dui looking at 2-6 years in prison and making excuses that you weren't even that far over the limit." He seemed very much in denial. I kinda felt sorry for him. Anyway, my take away from that meeting was that I need to change my motivation for staying sober over time. My motivation has always been so I don't feel like shit in the mornings. The problem with that is that I forget how bad I felt and then rationalize drinking. I need to find positive reasons of why I want to stay sober like the fact that remaining sober allows me to be the person I want to be and fits in with my life goals and values.
Tuesday I went to an individual appt with a different therapist, and I really liked her. She paid attention to me, took some notes and said she would gather a few resources for my appt next week. She understood what my goals were and said she could help me with some strategies to remain sober. She talked a little about some CBT stuff like being an outside observer of your thoughts when you start rationalizing drinking. That you don't have to act on those thoughts and by analyzing them, you can figure out why they might be happening so you can be proactive in keeping them at bay.
Yesterday I went to a party next door for the 4th. It was actually pretty small and other than two people, most weren't drinking that much. If I was drinking, I probably wouldn't have even noticed that most people weren't drinking that much. I would have been tying one on and assuming everyone else was as well. I would have been singing karaoke, thinking I was a really good singer, and woken up today embarrassed and super down on myself. I had my seltzer water and didn't try to hide it. The host asked if I wanted anything else to drink. I said, "No, I'm fine but thanks" and that was that. I had a couple of conversations with some people, but mostly was kinda bored. I never had an urge to drink, just wished I wasn't so bored. I'll need to watch that feeling bc it has caused me to drink in the past. I came home and played Monopoly with my son and nephew. Oh well, at least I didn't isolate at home and I feel good today.
Keep on keepin on...
Tuesday I went to an individual appt with a different therapist, and I really liked her. She paid attention to me, took some notes and said she would gather a few resources for my appt next week. She understood what my goals were and said she could help me with some strategies to remain sober. She talked a little about some CBT stuff like being an outside observer of your thoughts when you start rationalizing drinking. That you don't have to act on those thoughts and by analyzing them, you can figure out why they might be happening so you can be proactive in keeping them at bay.
Yesterday I went to a party next door for the 4th. It was actually pretty small and other than two people, most weren't drinking that much. If I was drinking, I probably wouldn't have even noticed that most people weren't drinking that much. I would have been tying one on and assuming everyone else was as well. I would have been singing karaoke, thinking I was a really good singer, and woken up today embarrassed and super down on myself. I had my seltzer water and didn't try to hide it. The host asked if I wanted anything else to drink. I said, "No, I'm fine but thanks" and that was that. I had a couple of conversations with some people, but mostly was kinda bored. I never had an urge to drink, just wished I wasn't so bored. I'll need to watch that feeling bc it has caused me to drink in the past. I came home and played Monopoly with my son and nephew. Oh well, at least I didn't isolate at home and I feel good today.
Keep on keepin on...
Sunday, July 1, 2018
7/1/18 - A tough Sat but a good Sun morning
I had a lot of anxiety yesterday. I think it is more of a side effect of the Zoloft (which I am reading is normal and will go away) than it was because I wanted to drink. However, the feeling of anxiety made me kind of want to drink, maybe bc drinking would me feel better, maybe bc I relate that anxious feeling to needing alcohol. Dh and a couple neighbors went to the Beer Festival. It turned out to be stupid, and I picked them up early. A few of them went to a "Speakeasy" after and said it was super cool and fun. Then they continued to party at a neighbor's house until late. Dh came home, we had dinner and he went over there for an hour bc they were bugging him to go. I didn't care. I watched Big Brother (I know...don't judge) which he refuses to watch lol. When he got home he said they were wasted. I would have been right there with them. I was a little jealous of the Speakeasy thing, but I am so glad this morning I didn't participate. I would have woken up this morning with a hangover and so much anxiety.
The interesting part is that one of the women who went stopped drinking. I am under the impression from neighborhood gossip) that she also had a big problem with alcohol. I don't know her very well, but I am a bit jealous she could do all of that with them and not drink. I will get there....that is my goal.
The interesting part is that one of the women who went stopped drinking. I am under the impression from neighborhood gossip) that she also had a big problem with alcohol. I don't know her very well, but I am a bit jealous she could do all of that with them and not drink. I will get there....that is my goal.
Saturday, June 30, 2018
6/30/18 - 2nd Group Meeting and Support Groups
From Anne - "Bottom is when you stop digging." Thanks for that I needed that today.
I was much less nervous this time. I even shared a bit. It is weird that I can be sitting in a room full of meth addicts, cocaine addicts, weed addicts and alcohol addicts and we all speak the same language to varying degrees. I wouldn't think I would have anything in common with a meth addict, but sometimes he says stuff that I find myself nodding my head to.
On the other hand, I kind of find myself feeling not as bad as anyone else in the room. Many, maybe all, of the participants are court ordered. They refer to DUIs or court hearings or just getting out of inpatient. They talk about isolating in their house and using all day every day. They talk about losing family members and jobs and licences. They are needing to get paper work filled out. My mind keeps going to, "What am I doing here? I am not this bad. Geez, I am not going to talk about myself...they will just secretly laugh."
I try to remind myself exactly what Anne said - my bottom is when I stop digging. The therapist said that I will only get worse...so I try to stop rationalizing bc that will lead me to drinking and be proud of myself that I am getting help before I did get to the place many of these people have gotten to. Maybe they were all where I am at one point and wished they would have gotten help sooner. When I mentioned that everything in my neighborhood focuses on alcohol, one lady was totally nodding her head. She said that they even play kickball with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other. She said it is great fun, until you get stopped for a DUI on your way home. Now she is facing a court appearance on Monday and is scared her licence will be revoked. That really could have been me on numerous occasions. In fact one of our neighbors asked us to join an Bocci ball team with him. He even said, we drink as much as we play lol. That so could have been me or could be me in the future. Do I really need to have the legal troubles these people have before I stop drinking?
I can't imagine the shame I would feel if in her situation. How I would have let down my kids, my husband, my family, most of all...myself. How embarrassed I would be. How mad I would be at myself. It would be just horrible. It almost makes me cry to think about it. I need to stop trying to fool myself. That is exactly where I was headed. Plus, these women look a little rough around the edges. Alcohol certainly doesn't do anything for your appearance.
Yesterday was about support groups. There was a discussion about AA and about other different types of groups. They were talking about sponsors and having someone to call. I asked about SMART meetings and someone said that you need to have someone to call. I said that I didn't think I would call anyone, I just need to figure out how to deal with my own addictive voice through CBT. The therapist then said, straight to me, that I really should consider joining some other type of group when I am finished with IOP. She said that it is helpful because (1) it gives yo a place to talk to people that truly understand what you are going through and (2) it gives your family a break from hearing about it. I really heard that. She is right...my family doesn't really get it and I do feel like it is a worrisome burden for them sometimes to always listen to me bc I do need someone to talk to. Even though it really scares me to join an outside group, I will think about it. Everything I have done so far was all super scary and I have survived.
Also, I really liked this therapist so I scheduled an appt with her for next Tuesday. Four appt/meetings in four days! That was a lot to handle. Now I get a break for the weekend. It will be interesting to see how I feel on Monday morning.
I was much less nervous this time. I even shared a bit. It is weird that I can be sitting in a room full of meth addicts, cocaine addicts, weed addicts and alcohol addicts and we all speak the same language to varying degrees. I wouldn't think I would have anything in common with a meth addict, but sometimes he says stuff that I find myself nodding my head to.
On the other hand, I kind of find myself feeling not as bad as anyone else in the room. Many, maybe all, of the participants are court ordered. They refer to DUIs or court hearings or just getting out of inpatient. They talk about isolating in their house and using all day every day. They talk about losing family members and jobs and licences. They are needing to get paper work filled out. My mind keeps going to, "What am I doing here? I am not this bad. Geez, I am not going to talk about myself...they will just secretly laugh."
I try to remind myself exactly what Anne said - my bottom is when I stop digging. The therapist said that I will only get worse...so I try to stop rationalizing bc that will lead me to drinking and be proud of myself that I am getting help before I did get to the place many of these people have gotten to. Maybe they were all where I am at one point and wished they would have gotten help sooner. When I mentioned that everything in my neighborhood focuses on alcohol, one lady was totally nodding her head. She said that they even play kickball with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other. She said it is great fun, until you get stopped for a DUI on your way home. Now she is facing a court appearance on Monday and is scared her licence will be revoked. That really could have been me on numerous occasions. In fact one of our neighbors asked us to join an Bocci ball team with him. He even said, we drink as much as we play lol. That so could have been me or could be me in the future. Do I really need to have the legal troubles these people have before I stop drinking?
I can't imagine the shame I would feel if in her situation. How I would have let down my kids, my husband, my family, most of all...myself. How embarrassed I would be. How mad I would be at myself. It would be just horrible. It almost makes me cry to think about it. I need to stop trying to fool myself. That is exactly where I was headed. Plus, these women look a little rough around the edges. Alcohol certainly doesn't do anything for your appearance.
Yesterday was about support groups. There was a discussion about AA and about other different types of groups. They were talking about sponsors and having someone to call. I asked about SMART meetings and someone said that you need to have someone to call. I said that I didn't think I would call anyone, I just need to figure out how to deal with my own addictive voice through CBT. The therapist then said, straight to me, that I really should consider joining some other type of group when I am finished with IOP. She said that it is helpful because (1) it gives yo a place to talk to people that truly understand what you are going through and (2) it gives your family a break from hearing about it. I really heard that. She is right...my family doesn't really get it and I do feel like it is a worrisome burden for them sometimes to always listen to me bc I do need someone to talk to. Even though it really scares me to join an outside group, I will think about it. Everything I have done so far was all super scary and I have survived.
Also, I really liked this therapist so I scheduled an appt with her for next Tuesday. Four appt/meetings in four days! That was a lot to handle. Now I get a break for the weekend. It will be interesting to see how I feel on Monday morning.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
6/28/18 1st Individual Appt and Distractions
This was just ok. The first 30 minutes was her trying to figure out how to make additional appts for me on the computer. The next 20 were me telling her about myself and the last 10 were a couple of pieces of advice. Not sure how well we connected. She seems nice enough to talk to and share stuff with, but might be a little to casual for me. I really don't need a sympathetic ear. I need more of a get done to the nitty gritty of how strategies. She did say a couple of things that stuck with me:
You can't out think a thinking problem with more thinking when your thinking is the problem. When I want to drink or start trying to convince myself that it would be ok, I need to distract myself with something completely different.
Every person she has seen that is similar to me and hasn't stopped drinking had ended up being a daily drinker. It gets worse. For everyone. That was a little scary.
PS - two weeks later - I am not sure I agree with this. While I agree that distraction is helpful, I don't think it is a long term solution. I do think that I need to figure out what is wrong with my thinking to address the reasons I keep going back. My new therapist is more in tune with this view.
You can't out think a thinking problem with more thinking when your thinking is the problem. When I want to drink or start trying to convince myself that it would be ok, I need to distract myself with something completely different.
Every person she has seen that is similar to me and hasn't stopped drinking had ended up being a daily drinker. It gets worse. For everyone. That was a little scary.
PS - two weeks later - I am not sure I agree with this. While I agree that distraction is helpful, I don't think it is a long term solution. I do think that I need to figure out what is wrong with my thinking to address the reasons I keep going back. My new therapist is more in tune with this view.
6/28/18 Told My Sister and Mother
Yesterday I sent the following text to my sister and my mother.
Yesterday I went to a four hour chemical dependence appointment downtown. I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with moderate alcohol use disorder, OCD and anxiety. They want me to complete an intensive outpatient program (three hours a day, three times a week for the next four weeks), see a personal therapist once a week for the next four weeks along with a couple of psychiatric appointments and medication. I just wanted you to know. I've been in a pretty dark place in my own head for a very long time and I am sick of it. Even thought it scares me to death and is going to be hard, I decided to ask for help.
I wasn't quite sure how they were going to respond. I was worried my sister would be like - oh brother, she is so dramatic and my mom would just be like - well we all have our problems.
The responses were better than I expected.
From my mom, "I am so thankful you have reached out for help. I know this has been going on for a very long time and has been difficult for you. It is hard for people that don't have the same issues to walk in your shoes, but we all have issues and faults. You are very strong and I am so proud of you for seeking out the help. It sounds very intense and I am here for you. Please talk to me whenever you need to. I can't help if you don't ask. I love you."
Other than the comment of "we all have our faults" I think that was a pretty positive response. The thing that bugs me a little is that if she knew this has been a problem for a long time (and I know she has bc I have told her before) why doesn't she ever ask how I am doing. Sure she says, "How are you?" but she never says, "How is the sobriety or issues with alcohol going. How are you really doing?" I have never really gotten emotional support from my mom. She asks how I am doing but doesn't really want to hear anything other than "fine." She doesn't deal very well with listening to my struggles. Sometimes she projects them onto herself, "I was a bad mom" or starts going off on how hard her day was or just says things like "you will get through it - this will pass." I have never, ever felt true empathy from. When I would call her at work as a child and tell her I was sick, she would only say, "Do I need to call the school?" She never really nurtured and showed a lot of love toward me. And my dad was an alcoholic who abandoned me...so... She cares for people by doing. I think she is a little emotionally unavailable to everyone (not just me), so the response was better than expected. I hope, that with sobriety, I will become a little more forgiving and a little less sensitive around my mom so our relationship can improve....just to be able to accept her for who she is and not feel so hurt all the time.
Also, for those of you that have been reading for along time, my other sister still isn't talking to anyone in the family (except our mom) and is in town this weekend. Part of me felt like, "See, mom, she isn't the only daughter you have that is struggling so don't you dare make me feel guilty for not reaching out to her while she is here. I am working on my own shit over here and might need a little of your support and compassion as well. It's always been all about her. Well here I am, not your perfect little daughter who you expect to make everything right in this family. Maybe somebody can show me a little care and support right now or do I always have to be the strong one?" Wow! That just came out. Oh well...it may sound immature, but it's true.
From my sister, "That is great news! I think it will really help you to talk to somebody else vs you continuing to diagnose yourself. I'm glad you are doing it."
That was way better than I expected! I knew she would be supportive, but I don't know if she has ever truly believed I had a problem. I think she has thought that I do have issues with obsessive behavior and this was just my latest thing to fixate on. I think she has had a hard time seeing the severity for the same reason I did. Because I am a binge drinker, I don't drink everyday, I don't have any of the classic "alcoholic" symptoms like our father, I haven't lost a job or gotten a DUI, and I quit for long periods of time. Therefore, she doesn't understand why I can't just control my intake. She really has no idea the mental anguish alcohol causes me. I have told her some of it before, but as much as she would hate to admit it, she is a bit like our mother in terms of emotional availability. My sister is just a pretty black and white, I won't complain about my problems so I would rather not hear about yours kind of person. I love her dearly and know she supports me, but she certainly is not the emotional mush ball that I am. She is also the sister that I always relapse with. It is not ever her fault. She doesn't try to get me to drink, but she also doesn't discourage me when I decide to. I think she likes to drink with me and might be a little disappointed when I don't. I hope that by telling her, she understands the gravity of my issue...that it isn't just my latest obsession...that this issue is killing me mentally and emotionally. I am also going to work hard to create a new sober relationship with her. We have always drank together, so it might take some work but my relationship with her is worth it.
BTW - my husband, daughter and son know everything, have known a lot of it for a long time and totally support all of it. I do have a great support system in my immediate family. My husband has been a bit of an enabler through the years. He drinks every weekend (not usually to a binge level) and I think he likes when I drink. I have always been able to talk to him and he has always been compassionate about my struggles. He has always reminded me of my struggles and has told me he thinks it is better that I don't drink but, until that Sunday two weeks ago, has been pretty sympathetic of my hangovers and struggles....never any tough love. Remember two weeks ago he was pretty mad at me from the night before and said "You choose - quit drinking or be an alcoholic!" He has never said anything like that to me before, and I was so hurt. He felt so bad, but I told him it might have been the thing that pushed me to making that call four days later. He totally supports my sobriety because he knows how much anguish it has caused me for so many years. My 23 yo daughter is my rock. She has an amazing way of being gentle yet firm with me. She knows everything and always tries to talk me out of trying again and tells me she is disappointed and worried when I do. For a long time I felt guilty about talking to her but she says, "Mom, I am 23 yo, you are my best friend, I am glad I can be there for you, you have always been there for me, we help each other, I feel so special that you can talk to me and I am a lot like you. I have learned so much from you, which is probably why I don't drink." My 19 yo son still keeps trying to tell me I'm not that bad. He doesn't want me to drink but is trying to get me to feel better about myself. I tell him that comments like that don't help. I know he means well, but it turns on my addicted voice that says, "Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm not that bad. Why am I doing all this. This is stupid."
It seems I am having to educate my whole family that just because I am not the stereotypical image of an alcoholic doesn't mean that I am not one.
Yesterday I went to a four hour chemical dependence appointment downtown. I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with moderate alcohol use disorder, OCD and anxiety. They want me to complete an intensive outpatient program (three hours a day, three times a week for the next four weeks), see a personal therapist once a week for the next four weeks along with a couple of psychiatric appointments and medication. I just wanted you to know. I've been in a pretty dark place in my own head for a very long time and I am sick of it. Even thought it scares me to death and is going to be hard, I decided to ask for help.
I wasn't quite sure how they were going to respond. I was worried my sister would be like - oh brother, she is so dramatic and my mom would just be like - well we all have our problems.
The responses were better than I expected.
From my mom, "I am so thankful you have reached out for help. I know this has been going on for a very long time and has been difficult for you. It is hard for people that don't have the same issues to walk in your shoes, but we all have issues and faults. You are very strong and I am so proud of you for seeking out the help. It sounds very intense and I am here for you. Please talk to me whenever you need to. I can't help if you don't ask. I love you."
Other than the comment of "we all have our faults" I think that was a pretty positive response. The thing that bugs me a little is that if she knew this has been a problem for a long time (and I know she has bc I have told her before) why doesn't she ever ask how I am doing. Sure she says, "How are you?" but she never says, "How is the sobriety or issues with alcohol going. How are you really doing?" I have never really gotten emotional support from my mom. She asks how I am doing but doesn't really want to hear anything other than "fine." She doesn't deal very well with listening to my struggles. Sometimes she projects them onto herself, "I was a bad mom" or starts going off on how hard her day was or just says things like "you will get through it - this will pass." I have never, ever felt true empathy from. When I would call her at work as a child and tell her I was sick, she would only say, "Do I need to call the school?" She never really nurtured and showed a lot of love toward me. And my dad was an alcoholic who abandoned me...so... She cares for people by doing. I think she is a little emotionally unavailable to everyone (not just me), so the response was better than expected. I hope, that with sobriety, I will become a little more forgiving and a little less sensitive around my mom so our relationship can improve....just to be able to accept her for who she is and not feel so hurt all the time.
Also, for those of you that have been reading for along time, my other sister still isn't talking to anyone in the family (except our mom) and is in town this weekend. Part of me felt like, "See, mom, she isn't the only daughter you have that is struggling so don't you dare make me feel guilty for not reaching out to her while she is here. I am working on my own shit over here and might need a little of your support and compassion as well. It's always been all about her. Well here I am, not your perfect little daughter who you expect to make everything right in this family. Maybe somebody can show me a little care and support right now or do I always have to be the strong one?" Wow! That just came out. Oh well...it may sound immature, but it's true.
From my sister, "That is great news! I think it will really help you to talk to somebody else vs you continuing to diagnose yourself. I'm glad you are doing it."
That was way better than I expected! I knew she would be supportive, but I don't know if she has ever truly believed I had a problem. I think she has thought that I do have issues with obsessive behavior and this was just my latest thing to fixate on. I think she has had a hard time seeing the severity for the same reason I did. Because I am a binge drinker, I don't drink everyday, I don't have any of the classic "alcoholic" symptoms like our father, I haven't lost a job or gotten a DUI, and I quit for long periods of time. Therefore, she doesn't understand why I can't just control my intake. She really has no idea the mental anguish alcohol causes me. I have told her some of it before, but as much as she would hate to admit it, she is a bit like our mother in terms of emotional availability. My sister is just a pretty black and white, I won't complain about my problems so I would rather not hear about yours kind of person. I love her dearly and know she supports me, but she certainly is not the emotional mush ball that I am. She is also the sister that I always relapse with. It is not ever her fault. She doesn't try to get me to drink, but she also doesn't discourage me when I decide to. I think she likes to drink with me and might be a little disappointed when I don't. I hope that by telling her, she understands the gravity of my issue...that it isn't just my latest obsession...that this issue is killing me mentally and emotionally. I am also going to work hard to create a new sober relationship with her. We have always drank together, so it might take some work but my relationship with her is worth it.
BTW - my husband, daughter and son know everything, have known a lot of it for a long time and totally support all of it. I do have a great support system in my immediate family. My husband has been a bit of an enabler through the years. He drinks every weekend (not usually to a binge level) and I think he likes when I drink. I have always been able to talk to him and he has always been compassionate about my struggles. He has always reminded me of my struggles and has told me he thinks it is better that I don't drink but, until that Sunday two weeks ago, has been pretty sympathetic of my hangovers and struggles....never any tough love. Remember two weeks ago he was pretty mad at me from the night before and said "You choose - quit drinking or be an alcoholic!" He has never said anything like that to me before, and I was so hurt. He felt so bad, but I told him it might have been the thing that pushed me to making that call four days later. He totally supports my sobriety because he knows how much anguish it has caused me for so many years. My 23 yo daughter is my rock. She has an amazing way of being gentle yet firm with me. She knows everything and always tries to talk me out of trying again and tells me she is disappointed and worried when I do. For a long time I felt guilty about talking to her but she says, "Mom, I am 23 yo, you are my best friend, I am glad I can be there for you, you have always been there for me, we help each other, I feel so special that you can talk to me and I am a lot like you. I have learned so much from you, which is probably why I don't drink." My 19 yo son still keeps trying to tell me I'm not that bad. He doesn't want me to drink but is trying to get me to feel better about myself. I tell him that comments like that don't help. I know he means well, but it turns on my addicted voice that says, "Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm not that bad. Why am I doing all this. This is stupid."
It seems I am having to educate my whole family that just because I am not the stereotypical image of an alcoholic doesn't mean that I am not one.
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