6/2/16 (Thurs) Terrible 2 weeks and Naltrexone (again)

Just to be honest with my record:

5/14 - 4 drinks (Saturday - party to attend)
5/15 - 4 drinks (Sunday - BBQ)
5/19 - 2 drinks (Thursday - no reason)
5/20 - 4 drinks (Friday - trip to the mountains)
5/21 - 4 drinks (Saturday - trip to the mountains)
5/24 - 2 drinks (Tuesday - drinks with collegues)
5/25 - 3 drinks (Wednesday - school party - last day)
5/27 - 5 drinks (Friday - drinks with neighbors)
5/28 - 4 drinks (Saturday - party to attend)
5/29 - 7 drinks (BBQ and party to attend)
5/30-6/2 - terrible hangover - my body seriously can't take that amount of alcohol

The end of the school year, all the parties, the sun shining - all so hard for me...

Here is where my brain is right now....trying naltrexone again with 100% compliance this time..but still question why not just stop all together.

I did take it for about 6 months - just 1/4 a pill because any more and I felt terrible even without drinking.  You take it 1 hour before drinking - every single time.  It's called targeted extinction because it makes the drinking itself not enjoyable.  If you aren't getting any of the high, you don't drink as much - at least that is how it worked for me - causing me to drinking less and care about drinking less over time.  I was not the hyper, happy, buzzed girl anymore. Instead I was the quiet, out of it, buzzed girl. One time I took the pill and 30 minutes later I felt kind of out of it, grumpy, quiet - not my usual talkative self.  My daughter asked, "What's wrong with you?  You seem a little quiet and withdrawn."  It does make me feel that way even before I drink.

It did cause me to drink less because I enjoyed it way less which lead to issues with compliance for me. Sometimes I would just not take the pill so I could enjoy the happy, hyper buzz.  That is the point of drinking for me. Plus I was still pouring poison into my body, still having all the same effects of alcohol without the happy high that I like so much - so I wondered what was the point? 

Is the point of taking naltrexone so I can drink - 

to be able to have a beer with friends on a sunny Friday afternoon on the porch or have that nice glass of wine with dinner - to not be different, to not stand out, to not have people think I was weird, to not be isolated and not included bc I wasn't drinking.  That is really what I tell myself, but if I'm not even really enjoying the experience bc of the naltrexone, why take it in the first place? Either drink, enjoy it and suffer the consequences or figure out how to enjoy life without drinking.

or

because it is just another rationalization so I can drink and not have to give it up forever.  That is very true - but with good intentions.  My intentions are always to drink less and less over time.  I so desperately want to not care about it anymore -to be able to have one once in a while and otherwise not care.  The Sinclair Method does do that for many people - but will it do that for me? I read that it may not work as well for people who drink for the high feeling alcohol brings (me) as for those that drink it for the taste or the relaxation, escapism, physical addiction (not me).   

So here is the million dollar question - 

Why am I even trying to continue to drink on naltrexone?  I am still drinking which is causing depression, anxiety, lack of sleep, weight gain, lack of motivation, feelings of failure - all for what? So I can have a drink?  it all seems so stupid!  

In my wildest dreams - that I don't dare think about because I truly don't see them ever happening so it is easier to push them away - I do not drink and I am proud of that and everyone else is proud (and maybe even envious) of me and I am a "shiny, happy person" without alcohol - that I just choose not to drink any more - and that I am happy - and inspirational - and have found a purpose - and am not isolated - and not bored - and not different - and in shape - and at peace with myself. 

I don't know if I can ever get there - but I do know that I will at least make the commitment that if I do drink, I will take the naltrexone with 100% compliance - it's better than drinking without taking it - who knows maybe it will get me to a point where it isn't even enjoyable anymore so my wildest dreams could come true.

I know deep in my heart and soul the true answer for me is to stop drinking and I get closer to that decision all the time.

5/31/16 - Not Good - Try Naltrexone Again

I just posted this to the C3 website...gonna give naltrexone another shot....


I don't ever want to drink again...however I don't want to never drink again. Does that make any sense?  

I have been struggling with alcohol for 30 years.  I binge drank a lot in my 20's and then had kids and slowed down. Now in my 40's back to the struggle.  I don't drink Monday-Thursday, don't drink during the day, have never had a DUI, have not lost a job, not ruined any relationships, etc. I am a mother of 2, a teacher, a sister, daughter, wife and friend.  I have a masters degree and live in suburbia America.  

I am, however, sick. I am a weekend binge drinker...not every weekend and not all weekend but enough that it is causing me depression, anxiety, insomnia, obsession and low self esteem.  I have stopped drinking many times - once for 9 months - and felt great but isolate myself and get really bored and depressed.  I am such a social person that isolation is really hard for me. But, it was hard for me to be sober and be around annoying drunk people. 

I have participated in moderation forums for 10 years and abstaining forums for 5 years.  I have a blog where I have documented my obsession with alcohol for the past 4 years. I have abused my body and brain with binge drinking and then quitting and then binge drinking again that I think I also suffer from the "kindling" effect.  My hangovers are significantly worse than they have ever been. I really don't even know if I enjoy drinking anymore but also do not enjoy not drinking- it is all so stupid and exhausting.  

I have tried naltrexone in the past but stopped using it.  I think I am one of the "total euphoria" users which I missed while taking the pill.  I get very manic when I drink...I am the hyper party girl. It used to be cute, fun and happy.  It has turned into annoying, loud and obnoxious.  A drunk 25 year old is a lot cuter than a drunk 45 year old. I am terrified of becoming the drunk old lady on the block. There are plenty of heavy drinkers in my neighborhood so I am in good company. I think we all just like each other around because we can look at each other and say, "I'm not that bad."  However, we are all saying it about each other.  I think they might be saying it about be especially since I fell over and almost fell in a fire pit two nights ago....completely humiliating! My highs, while drinking and thinking about drinking and planning drinking events, are super high but my lows are becoming increasingly lower, longer, darker and more depressing.

I am tired of feeling this way. Something needs to change.  I am going to give this naltrexone thing a shot again. Its all I have left other than total abstinence which terrifies me. I need to get my shit together.  Thanks for listening.

5/23/16 - Urghhh (16 in 6)

16 beers in 6 days.  Not exactly how I want to start my summer vacation.  I refuse to let another summer pass me by being out of shape, tired, stressed and exhausted.  I need to make a change...

5/9/16 - Better than I thought

Yesterday actually went well in all regards except one...I drank...not a lot but still...

My mom came over and we actually had a good time.  I don't know what was different but she actually acted like she wanted to be at my house and there was no drama.

I am not super happy with myself for drinking but I do think that I have figured out that my family (sisters and mother) are a trigger for me to drink. I don't know if it is out of habit, or because it helps me cope with the stress of worrying about drama, or if it an avoidance strategy so I don't have to deal with my feelings.

Regardless, drinking whenever I am around them is still allowing them to control my behavior.  I am still working on it.

I haven't failed until I have given up, right???

5/8/16 - Mother's Day Confessions (warning- a lot of negativity)

Happy Mother's Day!  I am adamant about this Mother's Day not turning out like last year:


Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any.  I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours.  I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch,  I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?"  I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes off slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face.  And then I began to sob.  My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done.  All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you."  I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind.  That's being a great mom! I woke up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. 

I hate you alcohol!  And I am not fine! And I hate myself!

This year I will be the one in control and not make any drama worse.  

I am a little nervous about today.  One of my sisters won't come to my house bc of the ridiculous drama I talked about in an earlier post.  She was not at last year's Mother's Day either bc she was mad about something else. My other sister (the one coming over - let's call her the "brutally honest" sister) gets super mad about stuff and says what she thinks.  I respect her honesty, but it can cause chaos. She has no respect for our mother and will say what she thinks - not always tactfully. 

My mom is coming over. She is always negative, depressed, judgmental and grumpy. It is way worse now that the one sister won't be here. I'm not kidding - she NEVER smiles - just trods through life as the victim - head drooping, shoulders drooping. It is exhausting to be around her.  I know it might sound heartless but we have talked to her numerous times about her outlook on life, her perception of things, her attitude - even about getting some professional help.  She just says in a super sad voice, "I just pray about everything...God will take care of my problems..."  I am a Christian, but I think she needs more than that. She needs someone who can talk back to her and give her a different way of looking at her life. She won't listen to us.  All she says is, "I'm sorry I'm such a downer to be around. I'll just go home. I'm sorry I am not happy all the time.  I have a hard life. I will just pray.  No one knows what I go  through..."  It just gets really frustrating.  Sadly, after 20 years of this, I have almost given up.  I can't make her happy and she makes me unhappy so it is just easier to not be around her. 

She wouldn't be nearly as bad if it was me or my "honest" sister who weren't attending (I have proof of that from past experiences) but the sister on the outs (by her own doing) is her favorite and it is always everyone's else's fault that she is left out - so not true.  I have ALWAYS been the one to make things right, to "fix" things even if they weren't my fault usually to make my mom feel better and not worry.  I just can't do it this time, and I think my mom is mad at me for it.  I have been part of the problem in the past but not this time. This time it is without a doubt my "on the outs" sister's fault.  It is so glaringly her fault that everyone else can see it except my mom.    I am soooo sick of the drama, negativity, selfishness, favoritism, mean spiritedness of this family that I am ready to move away.  Just bc you are family doesn't mean you have to be friends. If we weren't related, they would never be people I would choose to hang around with.  It is so sad to say, but I do not have a lot of respect for my one sister or my mom and they have been reckless with my feelings. They have even shut out my kids...so immature.

It is so painful to have a mother that wasn't there for me emotionally.  Did she feed me, take me to school, make sure I had shelter, help watch my kids when they were young? Yes. Did she have a lot going on with an alcoholic husband, being a single mom on food stamps, getting remarried and living this "new" life of hers while forgetting about me, now taking care of a husband with dementia? Yes. I know she did the best she knew how to do, but it has really taken an emotional toll of me - I have hated not having an emotionally supportive relationship with either a mother or a father.  It is painful.  She didn't' protect me from some pretty bad stuff and she cannot talk about anything difficult -  ever. She would just say, "I'm sorry I was such a bad mother!"  She just gets so defensive and cries and prays and blah blah blah...She just wants everyone to feel sorry for her.

Wow! That was super negative for a Mother's Day post!  But it did feel good to get it off my chest.  

I have just decided that I have my dh, ds, and dd to focus on - and of course myself.  

It has taken me 48 years of heartache and pain to come to the realization that we are not one big happy family and that is ok.  I can't fix everything and I just need to focus on being the best person I can be for my dh, ds and dd.  I have learned form many past experiences, it is just better for me to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself.  They fall on deaf ears.  Remaining sober certainly helps me do this.  

My focus is being the best possible mother for my children emotionally.  I may go overboard but I don't care - too much attention is better than none :)

I love my kids deeply and want to be the best mom I can be to them. I think we have an amazing relationship.  I can do that today by role modeling respectful (no matter how I feel) responsible, compassionate behavior towards everyone and have a peaceful calm day.  

Now to keep my "honest" sister in check...

Calmness

I think this might be the ticket for me.  I just need to keep myself calm this weekend so I don't drink. It is when I get all wound up that my urges are the worst.

Cravings

I was thinking about alcohol cravings.  I can honestly say that after I give into that initial craving, I don't really even think I like to drink anymore.  Here's how it goes for me:

• I'm going along with my day - everything is normal - no thoughts of alcohol.
• I get home from work - still good - no thoughts.
• One little thing happens - for example this new commercial for box wine that they keep playing at exactly the wrong time every evening on the news channel I watch.
• Because of that one commercial (or whatever the trigger is) a little teeny thought wriggles its way into my mind.  
• I do a little mental struggle back and forth about how nice a beer would be, how its been a rough day, how I deserve it, how I can just have one.
• I do this in my head for about 10 minutes, many times almost dismissing the thought, and then I say, "Screw it. I'm having one beer."  Its like a teeter totter slowly going back and forth (should I? shouldn't I?) that could easily land on either side for a few minutes.  Them my addicted brain takes over and suddenly, forceably slams its side down and before I can recover any balance back, I have cracked open a beer.  I can almost hear my brain saying to itself, "Hurry...go get one before you change your mind." That is some crazy talk...  Does that make any sense to anyone???  AM I just crazy??
• I get that one beer and for the first few drinks, its good.  It satisfies my craving.  
• Inevitably, I get another one. I don't know why... I just do. I guess I think," Well I have already had one so what difference does it make." I have been really good at stopping at 2.

For normal drinkers, two beers would be nothing.

For me it is everything.

Here is the part I have been thinking about - after the craving has been satisfied -after those first three drinks of the first beer - I don't like it anymore. I don't like the buzz, I don't like not being clear headed, I don't like feeling distracted and ultra sensitive. I don't like not being able to sleep well. I don't like waking up in the morning a little groggy, my tummy feeling not quite right, not feeling positive and happy, instead feeling a little depressed, tired and down on myself.

Here is what I think I need to focus on:

SAYING NO TO THE CRAVING.......

Any suggestions???