Day 18

Well, I got through the weekend.  I am off tomorrow but won't feel tempted.  It was pretty easy. No big deal really.  Got some good sleep and a lot done.

One thing I have noticed is that I have a hard time having small talk with people when I am sober. I wonder if that gets easier.

My neighbor came over last night.  She and her husband had been drinking (I always drink when I am with her) but I wasn't.  She asked me why and I just said that I am taking a break.  That when I had quit for 9 months previously I just felt better.  I certainly slept better (after the first month) and that probably made me just feel better in general.  She said, "Yea, I have thought about that too.  I think it really has an effect on my sleep too."  So no big deal, but I did notice that our conversation was a little uncomfortable with some awkward silences.  When I am drinking, I am usually talking nonstop.  When I am sober, not so much, so no one was talking.  In the past I would have been getting her beers just so she would stay and keep drinking with me, but last night I just wanted her to go home because it was 10:30 and I was tired.  I guess if that makes me boring I will take it because there are probably a lot of people out there that go to bed at 10:30 on a Saturday night sober.  In the past I would have only been in bed at that time on a Saturday if I had drank too much.

I really did enjoy my weekend and I hope it stays this easy.

He didn't love them (me) enough

I was just watching Intervention and it was about this couple addicted to weed and crack.  They had the intervention and were threatened with losing their two sons if they didn't take the treatment.  The mom did, but the dad walked away saying he would sign over custody.

My heart just broke and I started crying.  Then I thought, "He didn't love them enough, just like my dad didn't love me enough."  And I cried harder....

That's a rough thought to have in your head....maybe I drink so I don't thin about it.....

sunshine calling

sobermomwrites.wordpress.com replied to one of my posts with the following comment. I wanted to post it so that I could find it the next time I have those sunshine urges.


I found distraction worked really well for me. Sun was a big trigger for me too. When I was feeling it I would walk...and walk...and walk (lol). Also, I would just sit in the sun and kind of meditate. Just be present in the moment and really feel what I was feeling. Then I could focus on my clear head, the cold water in my glass, the deep and cleansing breaths. Then I would project into the evening. I could see myself in my comfy bed, all snuggled down and sleeping the sleep of the sober. THEN, the best part...waking up with no hangover.

If that didn't work then I'd go one better...I sit there and imagine PAST that first sip (which is always the best). Past that point of ahhh to the point of ugh! When I'd end up slurping instead of sipping and stumbling into bed instead of snuggling. AND all the way to waking up with a horrendous hangover, shame and WTF did I do thoughts.

Then I'd take another deep cleansing breath. That usually did the trick.


This strategy really spoke to me. So many times I just avoid those situations and then feel like I am missing out on everything enjoyable in my life. Instead I think I need to still enjoy those situations that feed my soul but do it without alcohol. Who knows, eventually I may even enjoy it more.


I went to bed last night thinking: I am so glad I am comfy in my bed sleeping sober sleep rather than collapsing into bed and waking with feelings of anxiety and depression.


Thank you Sherry!

Excuses

I like this one.  I also like "Don't always believe what you think" such as:

I can't enjoy the sunshine without a beer.
I can't have fun without alcohol.
I can't go on vacation without alcohol. If I do it would be boring.
I can't celebrate without alcohol
I can't go to a party without alcohol and have fun.
I am going to be left out if I stop drinking.
I will be boring in I stop drinking.
Life will be boring if I stop drinking.
I don't know if I can do this forever.
This is ridiculous!
I am not that bad.
I always do this right after a particularly bad hangover (and always in January).
I am overreacting and obsessing.
I don't drink during the week so what's this big deal?
As long as I don't ever have another hangover, I will be fine.
I can control this.

I am having anxiety even typing this list...

3 day birthday weekend

BIG BIG triggers coming this weekend:

1.  It is a three day weekend for me.  I am only a weekend drinker so this would give me an excuse to drink Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights!  I would be excited!

2.  My 47 birthday is Tuesday.  Need I say more?  Birthdays are always a good excuse.  Nice dinner, nice wine.

3.  It is supposed to be a nice weekend here.  The sun shining in the afternoon always brings thoughts of relaxing in the sun with nice cold beer.

My nasty little voice is calling me but I will stay strong.

Character

My definition of me

Why do I worry so much about what other people think of me?  After a night of drinking is the worst. Is is also really bad when I am suffering from anxiety and depression between my drinking weekends.

I think part of my path to sobriety is to get over this.  Now I am worried about what people will think of me if I don't drink.  I am wracking my brain trying to figure out an excuse as to why I don't drink - I am on medication, I can't sleep when I drink, I am taking a break, I need to get back it shape, etc.  I know that when I have been at a party and someone is not drinking, it makes me uncomfortable.  I may a have a short conversation with them, but then I move on.  I don't want to be the one making people uncomfortable.  I don't want people to think I am weird or no fun or worse I don't ever want them to know the true extent of my problem. It seems like if they find out, then I am screwed of ever trying to moderate again bc they will look at me either like I am a failure or that I am "at it" again.  I would say 90% of the people in my life have no idea the personal torture and anguish alcohol brings to my life bc to them I look like a happy, healthy, productive, fun person. I tell them I'm not drinking and they will look at me like I am crazy.  They don't see it all.

I HATE that alcohol is such an accepted drug in our society.  It is almost expected that you drink socially and you are looked at as the oddball if you don't.  It is just a stupid drug!  Someone asked (sorry I can't remember who to give credit) if you look at an ex smoker (which I also am) like "poor them, they can't smoke, they can't control it, that sucks for them" or "good for them, they fought that filthy habit and won!"  Its just all so stupid!