Where is the fun you?

Well I got through the weekend sober! Yeah!  The only time I had a very slight urge was last night after we had been at my sister's house and we go back to our neighborhood and went to another party. My neighbor (long time drinking buddy) offered me a beer and it was a tiny tempting but not really because it was Sunday evening and that wasn't typically my hard times.  However, if I hadn't quit, I probably would have had a couple at my sister's and then had a couple more over there and would have woken up this morning tired, depressed, anxious and mad. So I did take some time this morning when I woke up to really feel those feelings of pride and sense of accomplishment.  I'm trying not to just blow it off and say, "No big deal" bc it is a big deal that I got through the weekend.  I will be fine now until next weekend.

Anyway, I was sober, which was super nice in the fact that I could actually have a real two sided conversation with people.  I especially made an effort to connect with one of my best friends in the neighborhood that I had been rude to on New Year's Eve.  When I am drinking, I feel that my conversations are very one sided and I get pretty selfish.  I am naturally a talker and when I drink it is a million times worse.  I just talk incessantly - even if no one is listening - hell, I really don'e notice or care if they are listening or not.  I interrupt, don't really listen and get really loud.  I just move around the room "talking" to whomever seems to be having the most fun = aka is just as buzzed as me and won't notice my level of intoxication.  That is not a conscious thought when I am moving in and out of conversations, but I think it is probably the truth. My brain just seems to be in the hyper state when I drink that it can't even slow down for a real conversation.

When I got home from my sister's house, my brother in law (the one who doesn't really drink) sent my a a text asking when the "fun me" was.  My sister also sent me a text saying that I was quiet and was everything ok?  For some reason this really bothered me.  I am a little hyper sensitive to what others think of me. I thought I was fine.  Probably much quieter, but not rude or standoffish or grumpy. I really was in a pretty good mood, just not my normal hyper, buzzed, loud self.  I don't really know what to do about this comment.

Do I want to be a "fun" girl without the alcohol or do I want to redefine myself as a more mature/calm 46 year old?  I feel like I am loosing part of my identity and that people won't have as much fun with me anymore.

Tug of War

I just saw this online:

Passage from “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Second Edition” by Steven C. Hayes, Kirk D. Strosahl, and Kelly G. Wilson:

Imagine that the situation you are in is like being in a tug-of-war with a monster. It is big, ugly, and very strong. In between you and the monster is a pit, and, so far as you can tell, it is bottomless. If you lose this tug-of-war, you will fall into the pit and be destroyed. So you pull and pull, but the harder you pull, the harder the monster pulls, and you edge closer and closer to he pit. The hardest thing to see is that our job here is not to win the tug-of-war …. Our job is to drop the rope.

Chaotic dreams

I have this one chaotic dream over and over and over.  The details are always a little different but the feeling is always the same.  Here was last nights:

I am not at home. I am in a hotel room somewhere.  Sometimes I have my own room, sometimes I am sharing.  Last night it looked more like a big bedroom in a house with three queen sized beds. Mine was in the corner furthest from the door.  All of my stuff I have with me is all over the place - like someone just ransacked it all.  It is all over the bed and the floor - clothes, bags, contents of my purse, money, makeup, shoes, toiletries, etc.

I am always in a panic, I'm talking full on panic attack, to find stuff.  I am throwing things around thinking I will clean it up later. This time all of my family is waiting outside to go into town and I can't find this one sock that I need.  I have one on and I can't find the other one, so I take that one off and try a different pair.  Again I can't find the matching sock in the mess so I just wear two different socks.  Just as I'm about to leave the room, I notice that I still have my slippers on. I think to myself that those aren't going to work on a bike so I search and search in that same panicky state for two shoes that match.  When I finally have find those, I can't find my wallet, etc. This just continues until I wake up.

Sometimes I end up walking up and down the streets in a frenzy, usually at night by myself,  because I don't know where I am and I have got to get tho the airport or I am going to miss my flight. I already missed the bus because I was once again in my room trying to find stuff.

Sometimes its family waiting, sometimes friends, sometimes no one but have a flight to catch, sometimes it is socks or my wallet or many times one particular pair of underwear....the details change but I usually wake up exhausted and sometime,s like today, with a headache.

What do you suppose it means?

The icy path

I was walking my dogs this morning on a path that looked a lot like this except it was a lot more slushy so the ice was hard to see.  A metaphor occurred to me as I was walking.  Sobriety is a lot like this trail.  My temptation is just to put my head down and power ahead on my walk.  If I did that however, which I did try a couple of times, I would slip and possibly fall on my face.   I had to take it slow, be mindful, pay attention, be patient.  As soon as I thought the ice was gone, thought I had control, I started to walk faster, not paying attention and once again slipped and almost fell.

My past attempts at long term sobriety have been a lot like that.  I think that I will forever need to pay attention, to be diligent, to be mindful of maintaining my sobriety.  As soon as I think I have won, I will be right back to "just this once, just this one, I can handle it, I was just over-reacting, I am not that bad, I will just stick to my rules..."  and I could possibly slip as I have in the past but this time it could be a fall that I could not recover from...

This is my journey

1/10/15 (Sat) Saturday Voice - Day 10

My Saturday voice has not started yet.  I feel pretty good this morning.  A little tired, a little groggy, but maybe that is normal.  I know from my last 255 days sober that 10 days sober is nothing (in terms of good I will feel ) compared to 10 weeks.  I have a to do list today and I am actually going to get started on it.

In terms of tonight, I don't know what I want to do.  I kind of feel like going to dinner and a movie without drinking.  My sister is well aware of my struggles and would support me.  However, she is one that I have a great time drinking with.  Her boyfriend doesn't hardly drink at all ( I am a little jealous) and he is the one who "talked me into" drinking after my 255 days. We were at a nice restaurant, it was spring time (huge trigger for a teacher) and I REALLY wanted a glass of wine.  I felt like a freight train had hit me.  Seriously - I was having a full blown anxiety attack over how bad I waned one and if I was going to give in. The only time I ever remember feeling this way was when I quit smoking (which took my about 100 tries and 5 years).

He didn't really talk me into it, he just said things like "What is the big deal? Did you drink during the week? Did you drink during the day? Did you drink at work? I don't see what the problem is?"  I know he wasn't purposely trying to sabotage me, he just doesn't understand bc he is someone who can have one drink a month in a social setting and be fine.  He can take it or leave it and would rather leave it.  He is a great guy and would never do anything to hurt me, he just couldn't possible understand the hell that alcohol brings to my life. I also know that if I stood my ground and told him a wasn't drinking, he would drop it.  He really could care less if I drink or not.

I just need to stand my ground.  I will see how I feel later.  If I feel vulnerable or that Saturday voice is too loud I won't go.

So true