It is 9:45 pm and I am sober :) My daughter came over, I made a really nice dinner and we watched Parenthood. We have been watching that since the beginning. It has been our thing. We love it! It was so sad tonight. She was crying, I was crying, my dh was crying a little bit and my 16 yo ds just looks at us and says, "Yeah, this show looks fun!"
It really wasn't hard tonight. I was pretty tired from work, it was cold outside and it wasn't sunny (the sun is a MAJOR trigger for me). When I got home, instead of grabbing for that beer, I made myself a snack and let myself sit down and relax for a minute. I would say that drinking helps me relax but I don't think it ever did. Alcohol just winds me up. It makes me want to socialize, to talk, to get together with the neighbors. And I never just sit down. I do make a pretty good hostess at parties, but it can be exhausting.
Anyway, I had my snack, made dinner, had a nice evening with my family and am going to bed early. And I feel really good :)
Friday, January 9, 2015
1/8/15 (Thurs) My Friday Voice is Calling
It just seems so idiotic to me that I am even considering drinking this weekend. I can surely go at least 30 days (I have gone 255 days before)! I was in so much physical, mental, emotional, spiritual pain one week ago but that little voice is trying to just slip little hints in there.
1st...we are having dinner with my 20 yo daughter who just moved out into an apartment. She is in college but close enough to drive. It is killing me that she doesn't live at home anymore. I am so happy and excited for her, but I feel like I just lost my daughter. I know I haven't, but it is still hard. She wants me to make her lasagna for dinner and I said I would. I already have these visions popping into my head of coming home tonight and cooking with a drink. Two big triggers for me are Friday and cooking so.....I drink. The voice begins..."who cares?...it isn't going to kill you.... you deserve it...it's Friday!...just drink that low alcohol beer so you can control your alcohol level..."
2nd...my sister and her boyfriend have asked us to go to dinner and a movie Saturday night. I have a great time with my sister when we go out.....we drink. The voice is saying, "Who cares...have a glass of wine...it's not like you are going to quit forever anyway....you just had a rough New Years Eve....you always do this - get all over-reactive when you have a hangover....just don't get wasted...what's the big deal...you are strong enough to control this...get a grip..."
3rd...we have been invited next door on Sunday to watch the Bronco game with my drinking neighbors. Neighborhood drinking has really gotten me in trouble over the years because I don't have to drive. I always have a great time with them....we drink. "you're being ridiculous...if you go overboard this weekend, then just quit again next week....you are fine....this is ridiculous....just drink and stop posting,... no one would even know you are struggling again...you haven't told anyone in the real world..."
I am trying to fight back with..."I am not drinking...I can at least give my body 30 days...this is ridiculous...I compiled all of my feeling terrible after drinking posts into one document and it filled 12 pages!...I am sick of living like this...I am going to feel terrible about myself if I give in....I need to do this...I am strong enough...I am worth enough to fight this fight....I can be one f those beacons of light in the world who are are happy sober and don't need alcohol...it is just a stupid drug....children and dogs don't ever drink and are perfectly happy (I know that one sounds stupid but I do think about that)...I felt so much better when I didn't drink...I would be so proud of myself Monday if I don't drink...
While typing the last paragraph I have started tearing up a bit. I think that deep down in my soul I don't think I can do this so I am already so sad about how I am going to feel on Monday. I already have that anxiety and depression creeping in because as much as I say I can do this, I am so scared I can't do it long term let alone this weekend...
3 choices
1. Shut my laptop lid, go about my weekend as usual, forget about all this drinking bullshit and just me normal, have a couple of drinks, assess how I did on Monday and reevaluate.
2. Say that I am going to try to stay sober, but still shut my laptop lid, shut out all of this drama, try to bury all of these feeling in the back of my head and just try to white knuckle it through the weekend. Just pray to God I don't drink and the weekend goes by fast because it is going to suck!
3. Stay close to my mmabsers list and my blog. Write often and a lot. Keep my brain open and thinking. Read my 12 pages of hell ever and over and over. Remind myself what alcohol is doing to my life in general - not just the hangovers but the depressions, anxiety and lethargy. Be obsessed with being sober. I think that might be the ticket. I need to either be obsessed with being sober or I just buy it, stop thinking about it and drink. Remind myself how proud I will feel Monday if I make it.
We will see....
1st...we are having dinner with my 20 yo daughter who just moved out into an apartment. She is in college but close enough to drive. It is killing me that she doesn't live at home anymore. I am so happy and excited for her, but I feel like I just lost my daughter. I know I haven't, but it is still hard. She wants me to make her lasagna for dinner and I said I would. I already have these visions popping into my head of coming home tonight and cooking with a drink. Two big triggers for me are Friday and cooking so.....I drink. The voice begins..."who cares?...it isn't going to kill you.... you deserve it...it's Friday!...just drink that low alcohol beer so you can control your alcohol level..."
2nd...my sister and her boyfriend have asked us to go to dinner and a movie Saturday night. I have a great time with my sister when we go out.....we drink. The voice is saying, "Who cares...have a glass of wine...it's not like you are going to quit forever anyway....you just had a rough New Years Eve....you always do this - get all over-reactive when you have a hangover....just don't get wasted...what's the big deal...you are strong enough to control this...get a grip..."
3rd...we have been invited next door on Sunday to watch the Bronco game with my drinking neighbors. Neighborhood drinking has really gotten me in trouble over the years because I don't have to drive. I always have a great time with them....we drink. "you're being ridiculous...if you go overboard this weekend, then just quit again next week....you are fine....this is ridiculous....just drink and stop posting,... no one would even know you are struggling again...you haven't told anyone in the real world..."
I am trying to fight back with..."I am not drinking...I can at least give my body 30 days...this is ridiculous...I compiled all of my feeling terrible after drinking posts into one document and it filled 12 pages!...I am sick of living like this...I am going to feel terrible about myself if I give in....I need to do this...I am strong enough...I am worth enough to fight this fight....I can be one f those beacons of light in the world who are are happy sober and don't need alcohol...it is just a stupid drug....children and dogs don't ever drink and are perfectly happy (I know that one sounds stupid but I do think about that)...I felt so much better when I didn't drink...I would be so proud of myself Monday if I don't drink...
While typing the last paragraph I have started tearing up a bit. I think that deep down in my soul I don't think I can do this so I am already so sad about how I am going to feel on Monday. I already have that anxiety and depression creeping in because as much as I say I can do this, I am so scared I can't do it long term let alone this weekend...
3 choices
1. Shut my laptop lid, go about my weekend as usual, forget about all this drinking bullshit and just me normal, have a couple of drinks, assess how I did on Monday and reevaluate.
2. Say that I am going to try to stay sober, but still shut my laptop lid, shut out all of this drama, try to bury all of these feeling in the back of my head and just try to white knuckle it through the weekend. Just pray to God I don't drink and the weekend goes by fast because it is going to suck!
3. Stay close to my mmabsers list and my blog. Write often and a lot. Keep my brain open and thinking. Read my 12 pages of hell ever and over and over. Remind myself what alcohol is doing to my life in general - not just the hangovers but the depressions, anxiety and lethargy. Be obsessed with being sober. I think that might be the ticket. I need to either be obsessed with being sober or I just buy it, stop thinking about it and drink. Remind myself how proud I will feel Monday if I make it.
We will see....
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
1/6/15 (Tues) Day 6 and Hiding
Day 6
Today I am extremely exhausted. I am not sleeping well. I know it will take a few days to be able to sleep after that horrendous hangover.
Today I noticed that even though I am only 6 days in and I have been here before multiple times, something happens to my mood when I am contemplating quitting for good. I still don't feel mentally or physically well, but somehow, somewhere a sense of peace manages to creep in . It is so hard to explain.
When I am in the middle of my weekend drinking periods, trying to manage, trying to moderate, I feel like I am hiding. Hiding behind a veil of insecurity. Almost like I am an impostor, a poser in my own life. I can laugh and fake it and have conversations but they don't feel real - I am talking about Monday -Friday when I am not drinking. Everyone just gets on my nerves and I have no patience. My relationships suffer and I isolate myself. It is almost like I just can't deal with anyone. Everything feels so surface level. I hide.
Then I drink on the weekends and have fun with people and then I go back into hiding. I am a teacher and "I think" a pretty good one. I love my kids and my job. I put everything into them and their families. It is my colleagues and family members that I can't deal with. I have spent a long time blaming everyone else for how I feel, but I really do think it is the alcohol and what putting that depressant into my body every weekend is doing to me.
It took me years to connect how I felt Tuesday to Thursday - exhausted, heart palpitations, anxiety, insomnia, hot flashes to the alcohol. I blamed it on other things - stress, hormones, age, sickness, etc. When I quit for those 255 I just felt so much better both physically and mentally. I was so much more calm, authentic and real. And I never felt like hiding. Maybe the alcohol really is taking a tole on my emotionally as well, even when I am not drinking. I just feel so insecure, unmotivated, behind, out of touch, bitchy, depressed, overwhelmed, impatient, exhausted, frantic, panicky, anxious, worried, confused, scared .........
Today I am extremely exhausted. I am not sleeping well. I know it will take a few days to be able to sleep after that horrendous hangover.
Today I noticed that even though I am only 6 days in and I have been here before multiple times, something happens to my mood when I am contemplating quitting for good. I still don't feel mentally or physically well, but somehow, somewhere a sense of peace manages to creep in . It is so hard to explain.
When I am in the middle of my weekend drinking periods, trying to manage, trying to moderate, I feel like I am hiding. Hiding behind a veil of insecurity. Almost like I am an impostor, a poser in my own life. I can laugh and fake it and have conversations but they don't feel real - I am talking about Monday -Friday when I am not drinking. Everyone just gets on my nerves and I have no patience. My relationships suffer and I isolate myself. It is almost like I just can't deal with anyone. Everything feels so surface level. I hide.
Then I drink on the weekends and have fun with people and then I go back into hiding. I am a teacher and "I think" a pretty good one. I love my kids and my job. I put everything into them and their families. It is my colleagues and family members that I can't deal with. I have spent a long time blaming everyone else for how I feel, but I really do think it is the alcohol and what putting that depressant into my body every weekend is doing to me.
It took me years to connect how I felt Tuesday to Thursday - exhausted, heart palpitations, anxiety, insomnia, hot flashes to the alcohol. I blamed it on other things - stress, hormones, age, sickness, etc. When I quit for those 255 I just felt so much better both physically and mentally. I was so much more calm, authentic and real. And I never felt like hiding. Maybe the alcohol really is taking a tole on my emotionally as well, even when I am not drinking. I just feel so insecure, unmotivated, behind, out of touch, bitchy, depressed, overwhelmed, impatient, exhausted, frantic, panicky, anxious, worried, confused, scared .........
Advice from Dr. Phil :)
I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and he said two things to a 25 yo addict that really resonated with me. I actually rewound the show multiple time to hear what he was saying...to really hear it..
1. You are emotionally immature because of your drug/alcohol use. Therefore you do not have the ability to understand/practice delayed gratification. You have impulse control problems and are unable to "pump the breaks" and tell yourself no. Because of this you have depressions and anxiety which you then self medicate with drugs/alcohol.
Hello!?!?! - Was he speaking to me me directly? Was God speaking to me through him? Weird!
2. There are 4 levels of readiness (I can't remember the actual word he used) to quitting. #1 court ordered. #2 because other people want you to do it #3 because you know you should do it #4 because you are so sick and tired of living like this that you are unwilling to take one more minute of it. You are going to do do what ever it takes , no matter how hard or painful it is to make a change. That you refuse to live one more minute of your life in this place.
Humm. I am certainly at #3 all the time. I am at #4 every 3-6 months when I have just gotten worse and sick of it. I really want to be able to stay at #4, but that feeling fades. I find myself back at #3 and convince myself I can control it this time.
1. You are emotionally immature because of your drug/alcohol use. Therefore you do not have the ability to understand/practice delayed gratification. You have impulse control problems and are unable to "pump the breaks" and tell yourself no. Because of this you have depressions and anxiety which you then self medicate with drugs/alcohol.
Hello!?!?! - Was he speaking to me me directly? Was God speaking to me through him? Weird!
2. There are 4 levels of readiness (I can't remember the actual word he used) to quitting. #1 court ordered. #2 because other people want you to do it #3 because you know you should do it #4 because you are so sick and tired of living like this that you are unwilling to take one more minute of it. You are going to do do what ever it takes , no matter how hard or painful it is to make a change. That you refuse to live one more minute of your life in this place.
Humm. I am certainly at #3 all the time. I am at #4 every 3-6 months when I have just gotten worse and sick of it. I really want to be able to stay at #4, but that feeling fades. I find myself back at #3 and convince myself I can control it this time.
Monday, January 5, 2015
1/5/15 (Mon) Disastrous vacation (most scary ever) - Day 5
Didn't sleep well last night - dreamt that someone was in the my house and I was really scared. Also had the same dream I have many times a week - that I am running from something. It is always something different, but always running and usually without being ablr to find my underwear for my suitcase.
I want to put in the record how I have been doing since rereading all the BS sometimes helps me.
Tried to quit again last August when I almost destroyed my marriage, my family, my life because of the intense anxiety, depression , panic attacks and sleep deprevation that come from over drinking too many days in a row.
Had a couple of really embarrassing moments over the summer on the all inclusive vacation that I was so worried about last January when I once again swore off alcohol and quit for all of 19 days.
I threw a complete temper tantrum about two rooms we had. It had a right to be uspet, but my reaction was again just so over the top. Both my dh and I had been drinking so it became this fight about us the second time. The first time he just tried to calm me down and tell me everything was ok. It was embarrassing in front of my kids.
We also went to the mountains for a skiing weekend and the hotel which I was so excited to stay at was having their pool renovated. I of course had been drinking before we got there and I just about lost my mind. I became "that person" that was practically yelling at the reservationist. I was "that person" that everyone stopped and looked at. I had one of my first full on panic attacks where I freaked out and then ran away. I sat our by the river and cried. Partially because I was so mad and partially because I was humiliated by my own behavior - especially in front of my kids. Of course, I brush it off trying to explain the shit out of why I was so upset to them and that it was all for them - that I was trying to give them a perfect weekend and the hotel screwed it up. In reality, I was the one screwing up their weekend.
Drank pretty consistently on the weekends all fall. Depression increasing again. Just blocking everything and everyone out. Just doing what I need to to so get by.
Thanksgiving - drank Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
Christmas Break
Friday - did not drink - dog was attacked by a coyote and had to take him to the vet - he is OK thank goodness. Also wanted this break to be different
Saturday - went to Zoo Lights - drank these mini margarita things in the car (not driving) before we got there. Just trying to guzzle it down hoping my 16 yo son in back seat didn't notice. Drank cider and Fireball at the zoo. Really the only one drinking (10 of us went) but laughing about how "cider balls" was going to be our new drink.
Tuesday - decorated cookies with sister and family. Drank wine and then had some coffee Kahlua. Kept going to the kitchen to sneak more in my coffee cup, lying about what was in it while watching Polar Express.
Wednesday - Christmas Eve - did well for a while but then slammed four beers in about 2 hours at the end.
Thursday - Had everyone over. Pretty much drank wine all day
Friday - Felt really crappy but still drank wine in the evening.
Saturday - Went to the mountains for my dd 20 birthday. Again slammed mini margaritas all the way up there (wasn't driving). Continued to drink all night - was really loud at the restaurant. Apparently my daughter and her boyfriend had also done shots earlier but I was to wasted to notice. Mother of the year award!
Sunday - Only drank 2 drinks - felt crappy from the day before.
Monday - Came home - drank wine in the evening - needed to rid of the bottles.
Tuesday - Drank wine in the evening - needed to rid of the bottles.
Wednesday - New Years Eve - a ton of drama with my sister - went to dinner and to see a movie - drank too much - went over to a neighbor's house at 11:30 and stayed until 4:30 AM! Super depressed that day because my 20 dd moved out. Instead of being super happy and proud of her (which I am), it was about how sad I was to be losing her. I just sobbed in my pillow when she left.
Now for the scary part
New Years Eve - I was a person I did not recognize - I was so rude and mean to my friend. All of my frustrations just came exploding out of my mouth. I have never been like that to a friend before. I texted her the next day to apologize. When I went to bed that night, looked in the mirror and seriously did not recognize myself. It was the weirdest thing to look in the mirror and be so wasted that you truly are confused at what you are seeing. I just stared for the longest time. I literally tore my clothes off and slammed my myself into bed. I was experiencing an anger that I had only felt a few times in my life - always when overdrinkng. The scariest thing for me is that they are becoming more frequent (probably 5 in the last year - 5 in my whole life previously) and they were destroying my relationships and my own sense of worth. What is happening to me?
I want to put in the record how I have been doing since rereading all the BS sometimes helps me.
Tried to quit again last August when I almost destroyed my marriage, my family, my life because of the intense anxiety, depression , panic attacks and sleep deprevation that come from over drinking too many days in a row.
Had a couple of really embarrassing moments over the summer on the all inclusive vacation that I was so worried about last January when I once again swore off alcohol and quit for all of 19 days.
We also went to the mountains for a skiing weekend and the hotel which I was so excited to stay at was having their pool renovated. I of course had been drinking before we got there and I just about lost my mind. I became "that person" that was practically yelling at the reservationist. I was "that person" that everyone stopped and looked at. I had one of my first full on panic attacks where I freaked out and then ran away. I sat our by the river and cried. Partially because I was so mad and partially because I was humiliated by my own behavior - especially in front of my kids. Of course, I brush it off trying to explain the shit out of why I was so upset to them and that it was all for them - that I was trying to give them a perfect weekend and the hotel screwed it up. In reality, I was the one screwing up their weekend.
Drank pretty consistently on the weekends all fall. Depression increasing again. Just blocking everything and everyone out. Just doing what I need to to so get by.
Thanksgiving - drank Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
Christmas Break
Friday - did not drink - dog was attacked by a coyote and had to take him to the vet - he is OK thank goodness. Also wanted this break to be different
Saturday - went to Zoo Lights - drank these mini margarita things in the car (not driving) before we got there. Just trying to guzzle it down hoping my 16 yo son in back seat didn't notice. Drank cider and Fireball at the zoo. Really the only one drinking (10 of us went) but laughing about how "cider balls" was going to be our new drink.
Tuesday - decorated cookies with sister and family. Drank wine and then had some coffee Kahlua. Kept going to the kitchen to sneak more in my coffee cup, lying about what was in it while watching Polar Express.
Wednesday - Christmas Eve - did well for a while but then slammed four beers in about 2 hours at the end.
Thursday - Had everyone over. Pretty much drank wine all day
Friday - Felt really crappy but still drank wine in the evening.
Saturday - Went to the mountains for my dd 20 birthday. Again slammed mini margaritas all the way up there (wasn't driving). Continued to drink all night - was really loud at the restaurant. Apparently my daughter and her boyfriend had also done shots earlier but I was to wasted to notice. Mother of the year award!
Sunday - Only drank 2 drinks - felt crappy from the day before.
Monday - Came home - drank wine in the evening - needed to rid of the bottles.
Tuesday - Drank wine in the evening - needed to rid of the bottles.
Wednesday - New Years Eve - a ton of drama with my sister - went to dinner and to see a movie - drank too much - went over to a neighbor's house at 11:30 and stayed until 4:30 AM! Super depressed that day because my 20 dd moved out. Instead of being super happy and proud of her (which I am), it was about how sad I was to be losing her. I just sobbed in my pillow when she left.
Now for the scary part
New Years Eve - I was a person I did not recognize - I was so rude and mean to my friend. All of my frustrations just came exploding out of my mouth. I have never been like that to a friend before. I texted her the next day to apologize. When I went to bed that night, looked in the mirror and seriously did not recognize myself. It was the weirdest thing to look in the mirror and be so wasted that you truly are confused at what you are seeing. I just stared for the longest time. I literally tore my clothes off and slammed my myself into bed. I was experiencing an anger that I had only felt a few times in my life - always when overdrinkng. The scariest thing for me is that they are becoming more frequent (probably 5 in the last year - 5 in my whole life previously) and they were destroying my relationships and my own sense of worth. What is happening to me?
Saturday, January 3, 2015
1/3/15 (Sat) - Sooo lost...
I probably have had this title for my post at least 3 times a year for the past few years. I just don't understand why I can't get it through my head that drinking and I just don't really work out. Sure, we have a lot of fun for awhile, but I always end up back in the same destructive place.
I've been off for Christmas break. Over the past 15 days, I have drank 11 days with 6 of them being destructive (sneaking, guzzling, day drinking, etc.).
I almost ruined my life back last December, then again last August and NOW AGAIN!!!!
Once again I am exhausted! I am so sick of everything g and everyone around me. Life just sucks! I am sooo sick of this cycle and am not sure I can beat it :(
I am mostly sick of myself.
I have a great time drinking and everyone around me probably doesn't even see what is happening to me. I don't really even share it a lot anymore because I feel like I am just having a pity party for myself when I am the one that chooses to drink! I just feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it! It is just all so stupid that I am in total hell because of something I should be able to control. Nobody wants to hear about it anymore, so I hide all of my isolation, anxiety, depression, guilt and drama. I am once again in my own little personal hell inside my brain and I am so over it!
I don't know why I continue to do this to myself year after year after year! I guess I am just not the kind of person I have been fooling myself into believing all this time.
I am soooooo lost......
I've been off for Christmas break. Over the past 15 days, I have drank 11 days with 6 of them being destructive (sneaking, guzzling, day drinking, etc.).
I almost ruined my life back last December, then again last August and NOW AGAIN!!!!
Once again I am exhausted! I am so sick of everything g and everyone around me. Life just sucks! I am sooo sick of this cycle and am not sure I can beat it :(
I am mostly sick of myself.
I have a great time drinking and everyone around me probably doesn't even see what is happening to me. I don't really even share it a lot anymore because I feel like I am just having a pity party for myself when I am the one that chooses to drink! I just feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it! It is just all so stupid that I am in total hell because of something I should be able to control. Nobody wants to hear about it anymore, so I hide all of my isolation, anxiety, depression, guilt and drama. I am once again in my own little personal hell inside my brain and I am so over it!
I don't know why I continue to do this to myself year after year after year! I guess I am just not the kind of person I have been fooling myself into believing all this time.
I am soooooo lost......
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