Day 14 - Feel pretty good

I was a little worried about last night being the first "down" Friday since I started ... and I was back at work. I just kept myself busy running errands until the sun went down.  I have big triggers around Friday after work, sitting in the sun and ...... well - you know.  So it really wasn't hard.  Came home and watched a bunch of Portandia shows.  I have been wanting to watch it bc I love the SNL cast.  It is really weird, but after about 4 episodes, I begin to "get it" and found it amusing.  Went to bed at a decent time and woke up HO free - that is always a good thing.

Day 12 - weird dream

Last night I had a bizarre dream.  The first part I was drinking wine (yeah I knew those would start eventually) out of one of those clear little plastic cups.  The scenario was perfect - beautiful evening, walking outside, the best tasting wine I had ever had.  I knew I shouldn't be drinking it, but it was just so good.

Change scene (like dreams do) - I am in a room kicking the crap out of someone on the ground who was trying to hurt me.  As soon as he/she was "dead" (I guess) I saw all of these other "dead" people on the ground.  All of their spirits left their bodies and rose into the air.  I felt a very big sense of relief for them and for me.  Then I woke up  - instantly - which is the reason the dream is so vivid.

OK so bear with me.  This may seem a little cooky but I do believe dreams mean something.  Whether is be you own mind talking to you or God talking to you, I believe they are there for a reason.

I think my dream represents me kicking the crap out of my addiction, and feeling extremely relieved in the end.  I believe I woke up with that feeling for a reason.

Off to bed - let's see what I can dream up tonight!

Day 11

Pretty uneventful day.  I did, however, look at my fellow teachers - the ones I would go out to FAC with and I was never the first to leave - and wonder what would happen to those relationships.  What would I do the next time they asked me?  Go and not drink?  That would get a lot of questions.  Make up excuses why I can't go?  That can only last so long.  I know for sure they will not know I have a dependency issue.  no way!  I guess I could just tell them I had a New year's resolution to be super healthy for a month and then I just decided I liked life better without it.  That is what I am planning on telling neighbors.

Day 10 PM

Today I decided that I have only one New Year's Resolution.  That is to not to drink.  I am kind of an all or nothing kind of person. On January 1st,  I had decided I was not going to drink, go to the gym, eat healthy and go to bed early.

Well, I slept terrible last night and did not make it to the gym.  I started feeling down on myself for not going.  I don't think those feelings are going to help me remain sober.

I decided my first and foremost goal would be to not drink.  If I go to the gym, awesome!  If not, it's OK - you didn't drink!  If I eat healthy - awesome! If I eat some ice cream - well at least I didn't drink.  If I get to bed early - awesome!  If not (because I am up late reading all of the recovery literature) - at least I didn't drink.

I read somewhere that I need to put as much energy into my absing as I did into my drinking and then my attempting to moderate.  I  know all of those other things are good for me and will help my health and sense of well being - but not if I am going to beat myself up every time I am not perfect.

The only thing that needs to be perfect right now is my sobriety.

Day 9 PM

OMG! I just felt terrible!  I was making dinner and all of a sudden, my heart starting racing, my ears stated ringing and a got extremely tired.  I went upstairs and fell asleep for 30 minutes.  I never do that!  Could it still be withdrawal?  I have no idea but it was really weird!

Day 9

Well today is Day 9.  It shouldn't be too much of a struggle today.  I do back to work tomorrow and it is really hard to teach 30 - 11 year olds with a HO, so I never really drank during the week anyway.

It just now made me uncomfortable to type that sentence.  It seems like a sentence I would have typed before.  Getting up in the morning telling myself why I wouldn't drink that day.  That is the first time I have done that in 9 days.  For the past 9 days I have just known I wouldn't drink.  When situations came up it became hard, but there was never any question first thing in the morning.  I am going to have to watch that.

I am not drinking today because I stopped drinking.  Period!  No other reason!  There are many reasons I stopped, but the reason I am not drinking today is because I stopped.  It is not for any other reason that is specific for the day.  It is bigger than that.  It isn't because of today - it is because of my life in general.

PS - I wish these headaches would go away!

Thank you to my online support group!

I just posted this to my online support group.  They are a truly amazing group of people.

I know that I have been needing a lot of support lately and all of you including lulu, cp, mike, lexie, arleigh, trixie, cedric, Kary, lolo (and others I am sure I forgot - sorry) have no idea how much support I have gotten from this list.  I honestly do not know if I would have had the motivation and confidence to even attempt perm abs without you guys.  

I was so broken when I came here.  I was in such a dark place.  All of your stories of life without alcohol were like a tiny beam of light shining through at first.  In the beginning I didn't think that it would be possible for me. I just kept reading and listening and eventually I thought, "Why not?  Why can't I have that?"  You are there to pick me up when I fall, kick my butt when I am talking stupid and make me feel like a superstar when I am succeeding.   I have read a few of the posts from the list to my mom.  She just started cryng and said she was so grateful that I found this group and am getting so much support from it.  

Nobody forces or pays you all to be here. You do it to make a difference and I just want you to know that you have more of a difference than you can possible realize in the life of this one 43 year old wife, mother, sister, daughter, teacher.  The MMlist helped me realize I have a problem, but this list quite possibly could have saved my life!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!