AHHHHHH!!!!!!

How am I?  I don't know...I had that one beer last weekend and was ok with that (I think).  Then Tuesday night, for no reason at all, I decided to have a beer while cooking dinner.  I really like to cook and I really really like to cook while having a "beverage".  So I did...I thought...no big deal....then I thought....well I am already drinking/already blew it....I might as well have another.  I stopped after 2 but still....I got that whole I feel really lazy, don't want to get off the couch feeling.  I was really tired yesterday and really bitchy today.  That is my pattern when I am withdrawing, but I don't think it could be a physical thing after only 2 beers.  Do you?  I think maybe I am just mad at myself.  I have no idea if I am coming or going....or what I want to do.  I don't want to post on the mm list, because I don't want to belong there anymore...and I don't want to post on the mmabser list  - would feel like a hypocrate ....

I just want to not have to worry about this anymore...have a beer or glass of wine when I want to - keep it at 2 or 3 ALWAYS - only drink 1 - 2 days a week and not worry about it anymore.

Well . . . .

I had one beer last night.  We went out with a bunch of friends for dinner and everyone was drinking.  I thought about it and decided to have one.  It really wasn't very good.  I didn't even finish it.  The waiter accidently brought one extra on his trip back with round two for everyone else.  I said I would take it.  I don't know why.  I guess I am just so used to be being glad that everyone else was having two so that I could.  Habits . . . Well, I only drank a third of that one.  It tasted better than the first, but for some reason I just didn't want any more.  In the past, I would have drank both of them and then talked everyone in to continuing the party back at home with some wine.

I am not happy with myself that I had one beer, but I am also not all that angry at myself either.  I really liked the fact that I could stop at the one and really didn't even want any more.  I don't know what will happen next.  I still really want to live a predominately sober lifestyle.  I don't want to drink during the week, alone, or during the day.  I am tired of it consuming my every thought.  I want to be able to have a glass of wine or a beer on a special occasion with friends.  That is what I did last night.  And now I won't drink again until another special occasion - and that does not count just being a Friday or Saturday night.

I am also starting to notice that I think I was one of the major contributors to why the women in the neighborhood drank so much.  Now that I have calmed down and reduced my drinking, I think everyone else has as well, at least in public.  I know many of them are still drinking (probably over drinking) every evening.  It is interesting what you actually notice when you are sober.  When I was the party girl on the weekends, everything would just go by in a hyper blur.  I wonder how many people thought I was a total idiot.  I just thought I was the fun girl everyone wanted to be around.  Maybe they were either laughing at me of looked at me to make themselves feel better about their own drinking.  I will not be that person anymore. I want to be one of the calm women, looking at the crazy, drinking women, thinking - I used to be like that.  That really got old after awhile.  I want to be one of the women having genuine conversations with others - really forming lasting relationships.  Not hiding the next day because I may not remember everything they said to me when we were talking.  Not just flittering around like a hyper social butterfly, only staying with one conversation until I lost interest in it.

I post on mmabsers and am afraid to post - I am afraid I let all of them down.

Sooooooo tired!

I have figured out one of m triggers is being tired.  I3 days into absing, I come home from work today, am exhausted, and had an overwhelming desire for a beer.  I just wanted to sit down and relax.  My wild child voice was saying, "You have worked hard this week - you deserve it.  You have been doing great with absing, you deserve it.  You will be Ok - just have one - you deserve it."  I didn't.  What scares me is that I have not totally dismissed the thoughts.  Just keeping it real.

Tuesday, August 24, 2011

Good bye, my wild child. I will not longer allow you to keep beating me down so that I continue to feed you. You never allow me to feel good enough for long enough to say goodbye. As soon as I start feeling better, you get worried and start whispering in my ear. While I am taking care of you, I can do nothing else very well I sacrifice everything for you-my confidence, self esteem, self worth, happiness. You are like a toddler, thinking you are the boss. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

Interesting Observations

Last night we (dh, ds (sister) and myself) went to dinner.
Before  - they would have had one drink / I would have had 2.
Now - they had one drink / I had 0 (not even a taste lol).

We watched a movie at her house.
Before - they would have had maybe one more / I would have had 3 - the rest of the bottle of wine.
Now - they had 0 / I had 0 - and not bc they were trying to support me - just bc they didn't want to.

We went home and went to bed.
Before - dh and ds went to bed and slept well / I slept crappy bc I went over my limit.
Now - we all went to bed and I, anyway, slept amazing!

Woke up this morning
Before - dh and ds feel fine / I feel like crap, guilty, depressed, anxious, pissed off
Now - We all wake up feeling fantastic - ready to tackle the to do list

Lesson learned
Before - I am really the only one over drinking and it would not have enhanced watching the movie or dinner in any way.
Now - I am not letting alcohol be part of all of my weekend activities. I feel really good, empowered.

Kind of a relief

It is Sautrday and I feel really good.  I got a lot done today - felt great!  It is really kind of a freeing feeling to not be planning who I am going to drink, when I am going to start, whose house it will be at, how many over what period of time, when I am going to stop etc.  For the first time in a long time I am not a raving b*tch because I can't drink.

That little voice ....

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to the sound of that one little bird.   Chirp .... chirp ..... chirp ...... Instead of saying, "Will that stupid thing just just up!  i need just a little more sleep."  I said, "Wow, it is 6:30 on a Saturday and I don't feel hungover, depressed, mad, anxious, embarrassed.  i am going to be one of those people who get up, open the windows and enjoy the weekend morning!"  BTW - I love birds - just not with a HO!

That being said,  last night was not super easy.  Things were kind of working in my favor.  I did avoid the after school FAC.  I don't think many people went, which helped. Everyone wasn't bugging me about going.  It was not a beautiful, sit on the porch, chill kind of Friday afternoon.  it was kind on rainy and gloomy - thank you God :) .  My drinking friend didn't call - I told her I was laying low this weekend. But ... my dh had a couple of friends over and we watched a movie.  They brought this really good home brew.  I am kind of a beer snob and this stuff is good.  I did have one drink to taste it.  He asked me if I wanted to, and I didn't want to bring attention to the fact that I wasn't drinking.  First off, the smell was repulsive - just the smell of everyone drinking beer around me.  I had a taste - amazing!  then something happened...I wanted another taste...so I had one (just a drink out of dh husbands glass). I contemplated having one glass of beer.  And then my mind went to the next night and having just one glass of wine....what could it hurt? Interesting how I could be so determined the whole week and then just one little whisper from that voice and i second guess all of my sobriety goals.   I did not give in to that "little voice" (thank goodness), but I did pay attention to it. 


I am learning that I can't just push the thoughts out of my head and dismiss/ignore them.  I need to deal with them and make conscious decisions about what I choose to do.  Funny how it tries to sneak back in and get you to drink.  I am trying to come up with a clever little name for this voice that is almost child like .... I want what I want and I want it now ..... and I don't care what you (the rational voice in my head) thinks!