The Infinite Intelligence that is the source and substance of this universe is everywhere present, and it is present within me. There's something in me that always knows what to do and how to accomplish it in the most graceful and effective way, and that something is right now activated; it informs me of the right decisions to make, even when I feel confused or unclear. The infinite presence of Spirit is always ready to offer insight and understanding, ready to provide powerful opportunities to broaden my experience of understanding the universe in which I live. Spirit is never confused, it is never unclear, it is never unsure. In me, this Spirit now takes shape as confident, clear decision making, thoughtful and responsive choosing, and a joyous understanding that every choice, no matter what it looks like, leads me closer to the experience of my own divine nature. I give thanks for this ability to open my mind and my intellect and my heart...all that I am!...to the clear, intuitive, spiritual genius within. I do so now, and am profoundly grateful for the wonderful choices and decisions that come from this inner activity. And so it is. I am now receiving a "morning blessing" from a webite I subscribed to.   The above passage came from there.  I think it really speaks to me.   I have always known what I needed to do to find peace in my life.  I  have always known, I just have not acted.  My actions have not been  in sinc with what I have known is right for me.  That alone has caused  a great deal of turmoil, angst, anger inside my own self.  This weekend  I will live according to my inner belief about what is right.  For the first  time in a long time I will do it because I WANT to - not because I am  forcing myself to.

No FAC this August!

The teachers at my school are having a party Friday after school to kick off the year.  I am not going - too new at the absing.  Plus - that is not the way I want to kick off my year.  Not this year.  Many will go, have 1 or 2 beers and go home.  Most of them are younger than me (42).  Not me, I wouldn't get home until almost bedtime .... my husband would not be too happy, my kids never said anything .... but I am sure they noticed ..... but I was one of the "fun" teachers.  Everyone always made sure I knew were the FAC's were going to be ..... I used to think that was a good thing .....  maybe in my 20's/30's  ......  it is now time for me to grow up .... and act like an adult ....  I also notice it when we go to dinner, I always couldn't wait for the drink order to come back and would have at least one more.  Have you ever noticed how many people in the restaurant are actually drinking tea or soda on a SATURDAY night!!!!  I guess I just assumed everybody partied on the weekends.  Who knew?


I went to the mall with my 16 yo dd after work today.  It was really nice spending time with her.  She gives me less and less time.  Before, that would not have been what I would have chosen to do with my evening.  It feels good to feel proud of myself because of the decisions I am making.

Good Morning!

Good Morning!  Off to work today.  Sad to see summer vacation coming to an end, but I also seem to have a new outlook on life this morning.  Many timed in the past I have gone on that first day with a HO and been miserable - no kids, just teachers.  Starting today I am going to act according to my belief system.  I will not be a contradiction to myself.  I am a happy, secure, caring, upbeat, positive, motivated, supportive person.  This is who I used to be.  That person has been buried under a sea of alcohol for quite sometime.  No longer will I be the unhappy, insecure, sarcastic, semi-negative, exhausted, un-motivated, jealous person.  That is not me.  It never has been.  Alcohol created that version of me to hide the self-hatred and disappointment I felt in myself.  I am now back to being my authentic, true self.

I think the heart palpitations, anxiety, shakiness ended last night - night 4 - just on schedule.  Still, I did not get any sleep - night sweats were terrible.  I hope those are over tonight.  Even with very little sleep - 3 hours or so -  I feel better than if I would have drank and gotten 7 hours because I am happy on the inside!  Believe it or not - I am excited to not drink this weekend.  I think what I am the most excited about is finally, for the first time in a very long time, keeping a commitment that I have made to myself.  I am determined to keep this feeling going!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I am gearing up to take on the insidious mental battle I have coming up, like this weekend.  The only time in the past 25 years I have absed more than, say 7 days, was my two pregnancies, my two surgeries, and when I quit smoking 15 years ago.  I know that the physical withdrawal symptoms suck, but that it is also the easy part!  In a couple days, like Friday, when I well better, my mind will tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing, just my latest thing to obsess over, this is ridiculous, I will just be very vigilant about moderating, I am not going to go my whole life without drinking so why put myself through this torture ... I will just be more careful, one more hangover and I will be done for good - those are the deals I will make with myself.  I am going to come back and read this post -

Dear Me,

Those are the things that you have told yourself for the last 15 years.  Where have they gotten you?  Right back to where you are right this very moment - back on the hamster wheel - back to an hangover, eventually, - back to withdrawals, depression, anxiety, self-hatred - DO NOT KID YOURSELF - you will end up right back where you started - disgusted with yourself.  How about trying something different just today, just this weekend - loving yourself, respecting yourself, keeping your commitments to yourself - let's just see how that feels for once.  Let's just see how it feels not not have every aspect of your weekend evenings wrapped around something that only makes you feel like a failure.

Love,

Me

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

This sucks!  I can't get any sleep - night sweats, heart doing summersaults in my chest, rapid heart rate, overwhelming anxious feelings that come and go, feel like my head gets a sudden amount of pressure like is is going to blow up, headaches!!!!!!  When will it stop?  I have not drank for 3 days.  I need some rest!  I didn't even drink that much, for pete's sake - 2,3,4 times a week/2,3,4 drinks usually/5,6,7 drinks 3-4 times a month - and only beer and wine!  


For many years I have not thought that I am alcohol dependent.  I am now starting to see that every time I do a 3,4,5 day abs I feel like sh*t.  I can't sleep, anxious, restless, irritated, heart racing, insides shaking, hot flashes/night sweats, etc.  I have come to realize after about 10 years of symptoms (20 years of drinking) - that I do not have the flu, anxiety, stress, irritation kids/husband/family members, menopause, depression, etc.  Since the only thing that makes me get relief from these symptoms - after 2,3,4,5 days is alcohol - I am ALCOHOL DEPENDENT!  I am may not be a raging alcoholic, but I am most definitely alcohol dependent.  My 2,3,4,5 glasses of wine 2,3,4,5 times a week have changed (IMHO) my body chemistry.  That scares me because, from what I understand, this can be a problem that gets progressively worse for someone like me that has "the addictive gene".  

Monday, August 15, 2011

So, today is the third day and I still physically feel horrible.  Can't sleep at night...heart racing...like a shaking feeling inside...anxious....restless...tired....bored....hot flashes.  I now understand, thanks in part to Tucker, that these are withdrawals from alcohol.  I never understood that before.  I just thought that the hangover lasted one, maybe two, days.  If I felt bad after that there was some other reason...stressed about something...everyone else was causing my grumpiness....I was catching something like the flu...some external reason.  I know am also beginning to understand that by next Friday, my body will be telling me that I am fine, don't have a problem, what is the beg deal....still part of the withdrawal.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Today I am thinking about how to go about this abstaining period different.
1.  I am not going to count the days (at least not in my blog).  It makes it feel too much like a count down.
2.  I am not going to say that 30 days is the end.  I am going to get to the 30 and see how it feels - take it from there. In the past it has just been a white knuckled count down to the end - how many more days - how many more weekends.
3.  I am going to try to focus on the positives - what is feels like to be sober in this moment - EVERY day.  Not to wake up with a HO.  Enjoy the moment for what it is.  In the past it has been more about - dang I wish this 30 was over.