Monday, August 15, 2011

On the mmabsers list a very wise, IMHO, person named Mike posted the following to me:


daily drinking or not it matters little.
it is not how much one drinks or necessarily how one drinks,
but rather what it does to one inside.  this is more the barometer
of a drinking problem.  we are all different yet if we have gotten
to a point where alcohol represents a struggle, it is likely beyond
moderation.  that is why we are here living the much more "awesome"
life, freeing ourselves.  even parties can start to be more manageable
w/out booze.  in fact everything will become more manageable especially
one's insides.  simply abstaining and learning to live life sober can begin
a huge process of change in perspective in many areas of one's thinking
and feeling life.  it is a wonderful thing.  i hope you stick around for awhile
and listen, participate as much as you care to.   there is a lot of experience
and support and understanding here.

All the best.  With wishes for love, peace and happiness always,

mike


This post really made me think.  I have spent so much time telling myself that I am not as bad as those "other people" because of when, how much, how often or what I did or did not drink.  "Mike" is absolutely right ... it isn't about any of that .... it is about how I feel on the inside ...  and I have been feeling pretty darn crappy for a long time.

Saturday, August 13, 2011 - still ..... l lot of thinking today/joined mm

I have now joined a list called mmabsers.  It is part of the mm group - but people focussing on absing as opposed to moderating.  This is a response posted to that group after an unbelievable show of support.  

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  The response and support I already feel from this group is amazing.  I don't ever want to down the mm list - they have gotten me this far over the past year and are an amazing group of people.  However, I feel something different here - a sense of peace, contentment, happiness - the mm list has more of a sense of struggle, conflict (with oneself), ups and downs, highs and lows FOR ME. Maybe this is just where I feel more comfortable right now.  I am tired of the struggle, the obsession, the mental, physical, emotional time that I spend on this one area of my life that seems to effect all other areas.

I think it was Mike (the support he has shown has been invaluable) that said - it doesn't matter how much you drink, when you drink, what you drink - it matters what it makes you feel like on the inside.  That struck home - thank you!  For so long I have been trying to categorize, qualify, rationalize - I don't drink every day, I don't drink until the evening, and I only drink beer and wine - therefore - what is the problem?  The problem is - I never, ever feel good on the inside - no matter when, how often or how much.  Last night I only had 2 beeers - no big deal - waited until after 8, only drank beer and only had two.  No big deal right?  Wrong!  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling extremely upset at myself, heart beating, sweating, anxious - it was not the alcohol itself - it was how I felt on the inside about breaking yet another promise to myself.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Ok so two big steps today. One I shared with my DH all of my struggles over the last year at mm (really over the last 25 years). He doesn't think I have a prob but supports the fact that I think I have one. That's a little scary since I don't want him to judge me or think badly of me. 

Two. Ironically. After I got done crying my eyes out to him. Our dear friends texted us about going to one of our favorite places to sit in the sun for a beer. Normally - no question. For about 30 minutes - struggled with the choice - I could just start Monday with my 30. Cried in the shower while I was arguing with myself. Declined the invitation. I am sure it would have gotten me out of this emotional funk but I am also sure it wouldn't have made me feel any better tomorrow. One of my fav quotes is "what we are tomorrow is based on the choices we make today". Me - 1. Alcohol - 0.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

So how can I type all of that yesterday morning and then have three beers that night?  How can I go to being so resolved 10 hours later and drinking that night.  I only had three beers, pretty darn good for a Friday night - SHUT UP!   BLAH ....BLAH ....BLAH .....  Maybe heroin addicts tell themselves that they only shot up twice today ..... progress ..... right?  It is just the bullshit voice of the addiction yacking in my ears.  SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!!!!!

Last night I was barely even buzzed and my16yo dd said, "Mom I love you to death, and I know that you aren't drunk (don't you dare tell me I am drunk when I am not - she knows i am ultra sensitive about that), but you just act weird when you drink."  WHAT? If I had been a little more buzzed I would have gotten my feeling hurt, gotten upset.  I didn't - I went to bed.

8/12/11 (Fri) Feeling Lost

The only word I can use to describe myself today is lost.  I just don't know what I want.  Do I abstain forever (that sounds awesome, peaceful, calm, my true self ..... but scary, sad, boring, risk of failing)?  Do I moderate (that sounds awesome, balanced, included, social, fun  ......  but maybe unachievable, risk of failure/hangover/self hatred/ruined relationships)?  Do I not change anything and just stop worrying about it (sounds the easiest, but I know in my heart that will not turn out good in the end)?

When I feel like this I distract myself with searching around on the internet.  I am fascinated my Audrey Kishline.  I didn't know anything about her, but just happened to come across her name while reading blogs.  She is the founder of mm.  She truly believed that she could moderate.  She is responsible for the deaths of a father and daughter in a drunk driving accident.  From what I read, she wasn't a skid row drunk.  She drank 2-4 glasses of wine a night and binged on the weekends.  She never drove drunk .... until that night.  I could really relate to her and her story.

There were 2 comments in the article that really made me think.  One was that she said her biggest flaw was "self-deception".  The other was that in a way she had come up with the idea of mmm just to rationalize, give her an excuse to drink.  The whole - I can control it ....  I am not one of "those" people thinking.

In my mind, she wasn't a fake - just in the world of denial of an addict.

I think I may also be in that place .....

This is her story:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14627442/ns/dateline_nbc/t/road-recovery/#.TkU_7c0Ym1w

8/11/11 (Thurs) HANGOVER! Hamster Wheel

HO!!!!  Wasted day!!!!!  WHEN WILL I GET OFF OF THIS HAMSTER WHEEL??????  I don't even want to talk about it .... just the same old bullshit!!!!!

8/10/11 (Wed) 2 HANGOVERS! Shut Up!!

AM - I haven't posted in a while.  Why?  I am fine.  I don't have a problem.  Just obsessing too much.  Went on vacation, drank every day, only had one HO, didn't fight with any of my family, progress - right? ......  Let's start calling it what it is - denial, rationalization, addiction,  an unhappy life controlled by a drug that has ruined may people in my family and will soon ruin me if I don't open my eyes!

PM - Not good.  I was making dinner, talking to a friend on the phone, bored, asked her to come over.  Three bottles of wine later (1:00 in the morning) I finally fell into bed.  I remember hearing a little voice in my head say, "School is almost ready to start .....  it is OK ..... one last party before the summer is over ..."

That is exactly the little voice, that is more like a roar, that I am SICK OF LISTENING TO!!!  It is always some reason, some excuse, some event.   SHUT UP!!!!!