I can't believe it! I did it! Today is my one-year sober anniversary! I am so incredibly proud of myself!
I NEVER thought I could do it. I tried and tried and tried to maintain sobriety - sometimes for 2 weekends, sometimes 2 weeks, sometimes 2 months - my longest previous attempts being 9 months and 6 months. Part of my difficulty with remaining sober was that I never had anything really bad happen - no DUI, no loss of a job (I don't even think anyone at work knew I even struggled) - no loss of close relationships bc of my drinking, nothing that would be considered a "rock bottom". Because I never had "proof" that my drinking was causing me problems, I kept convincing myself that I wasn't that bad, that it was just my latest obsession, that I could just try harder to control my weekend drinking. I still have a hard time with the word alcoholic - bc I really don't know if I am or not and that label (and the fact that I could not call myself one bc I hadn't had any of the classic alcoholic life difficulties) kept me sick for a long time. I would say to myself, "You are not an alcoholic. Look at the life of an alcoholic - yours is nothing like that. Since that is not you, you can learn to drink normally, you can control your alcohol intake, you can be like everyone else. You can enjoy your life, be happy and drink. You just have to find a plan that works for you." I tried every rule in the book...no hard alcohol, no red wine, no high alcohol content beer, no drinking during the week, only drinking on Saturday, no more than 5 drinks a weekend, drinking water between every drink, making sure I ate first, never drinking before 4:00, not pre-partying before an event, etc.... It was exhausting and time and time after time/year after year, I found myself waking up in the middle of a Friday or Saturday night with night sweats, heart palpitations and severe anxiety unable to go back to sleep. It was the severe hangovers - no lasting for days - that made me want to quit. I spent entire summers (I am a teacher) reading books and researching how to stop my weekend drinking habit. I was miserable and exhausted. I hated myself for constantly making promises to myself and constantly breaking them. I knew deep down inside that this was not how I was supposed to be living, that I was not living up to my true potential. For the most part, I suffered in silence. My closest family members, a couple of friends and my online community knew...but other than that I lived in my own little prison I full of anger, self-loathing, failure, depression, obsession, compulsion, anxiety, and extreme sadness for 10 years!
One year ago, my super supportive husband made a comment to me while I was suffering from another debilitating hangover (after watching me struggle with this for so long and after yet another night of me not only drinking too much, but being kind of mean to him, not leaving with him and making him come pick my drunk ass up from my sister's house at midnight) - he said, "Either quit or be an alcoholic." He had never said anything to me like that before. I cried and cried and cried - probably because I finally knew that this statement was a fact. I had suspected it all along but for someone else to say it to me was devastating. I finally called for help, got into an IOP program, got out of my own head and started to heal. He said exactly the right thing at exactly the right time and I will be forever grateful.
My daughter and son have also been amazing! They always listen to my constant rambling (I am a verbal processor) about my drinking, not drinking, how I am feeling, etc. and are ALWAYS so supportive. My 21 yo son does not drink. He is part of a fraternity at his college and is the elected person in charge of "risk management" which is perfect for him. He can't stand the taste and thinks it is just stupid to alter your mind with a drug. He is really good about not judging other people who drink, he just doesn't choose to do it to himself. My 24 yo daughter hardly ever drinks because as she says "why would I want to put that poison in my body - let alone the calories - I'd rather eat ice cream." I am so incredibly proud of them and actually look at them as inspirational. It is mind-boggling to me that they can be in their 20s, not drink and be happy. I was a pretty big weekend partier at their age and would have been miserable if I couldn't drink. They are both strong, compassionate, loving human beings. I am so incredibly grateful for my children and I will spend the rest of my life enjoying them in a much more present, less selfish, less self-absorbed, sober state of mind. I love my family so much for always being there for me in a non-judgemental, yet tough love sort of a way. I honestly don't know if I could have done it without them.
I also have a few friends and family members that have been there for me all along the way, supporting me and letting me know that I am indeed a happy, fun, enjoyable person to be around when not drinking. They have continued to hang out with me even though I am not drinking. They have proven to me I am worthy of being a friend, sister, daughter while just being me - without the aid of a social-anxiety reducing drug. I was really worried no one would want to hang out with me sober and really struggled with not isolating myself. I am learning, with the help of all of these people, that I am just as fun without alcohol. One of these friends even remembered my anniversary and planned a special day for me!
My daughter sent me a meme once that said "Lions don't drink. Be a lion!" That has now become my mantra. I am a lion! I can live a happy life without alcohol. I can be in the minority, not drink when everyone else is and still enjoy myself. I can be proud of myself and maybe even inspirational to others. I can and will live the rest of my life without drinking. I can get through the tough times and the anxiety-filled events and the Mays and the summers and the weekends without alcohol and will be so much happier without it. I am strong enough. I am good enough. I am worth it. I am a lion and I will roar every time I feel like drinking bc I will never let alcohol control me ever again! I am so excited to see what my future holds now that I am out of this self-imposed prison and will live my life fully present and forever grateful.
