3/21/19 - Diabetes?!?!? Drinking?!?!?

Last weekend I was at my sister's house and we were messing around with her husband's blood sugar level tester that he has for diabetes.  My sister and son were at around 100-110 which is normal. I tested mine and it was 170! I was shocked! What?!?!?! I am not overweight and try to watch what I eat. Sure I could work out more but I have never had high blood sugar and have always had normal, healthy blood tests. Turns out, I found out because I tested my blood again later after I had washed my hands, that the Mango I had been eating earlier was on my skin and was inflating my number. I am actually around a 94.

The interesting (maybe pathetic) part of this story is that while we thought I suddenly had diabetes, my sister said, "Maybe this is why you can't tolerate alcohol. Alcohol has a lot of sugar in it and maybe the diabetes is making it so that you can't process it correctly and that is why it affects you more and you always have terrible hangovers."

All of a sudden, a switch flipped in my brain, what if that is true? What if I really do have diabetes and that explains everything. What if I go to the doctor get some medication for diabetes, get my blood sugar under control and then I CAN DRINK AGAIN?!?!?!?  WHAT?!?!? Really?!?! I could drink like a normal person - being able to stop at one or two and not wake up with a hellacious hangover after 3! I WAS SO EXCITED! I was actually thinking about if I could get to the doctor and get medication before our vacation that starts tomorrow!

My husband was like, "Oh my God! Seriously, don't drink!" My son was seriously mad at me saying things like, "You need to go to therapy. This is not the answer. I can't believe you are even thinking about drinking again." It was my daughter's reaction that hit me the hardest. Her reaction was, "ARE YOU F****ING KIDDING ME! MOM! So you are telling me that you are hoping for and glad that you might have diabetes SO YOU CAN DRINK! That is your addiction talking! If this doesn't prove you are addicted to alcohol, I don't know what does! Do you know how crazy that sounds! SHUT UP!! You are not drinking! That is just stupid!!!"

She is so right! How stupid was that? It absolutely was my addicted brain that just got this glimmer of hope. It was almost this primal, instinctual voice that came out of nowhere. Like it had been hiding - like I had kept in under a blanket for the last 9 months. Like a big wind gust came up and ripped the blanket away, suddenly exposing that dark, grinning, Cheshire cat, rubbing her hands together, saying, "Here we go! Let's do this! I think we can be happy again and drink! Hurry up, make the dr. appt. Maybe even drink right now since you will eventually anyway. You can have a glass of wine on the weekend again. You don't have to be socially isolated and not have any friends anymore! You can have fun and enjoy life again! You don't have to fight this anymore...you can just drink like a normal person! Thank goodness this sobriety is over."

Well...I don't have diabetes and I am not going to drink...but I do think I need to go back to group and therapy.

This is what I want my addiction to be: cute and controllable and happy

       



This is really my addiction just laying in waiting to pounce and control me: angry and consuming


  

This is what it promises me



This is what I get

9 months

I will be 9 months sober on Wednesday.  I'm doing pretty well. 

I just posted this to someone on the mmlist that I am a part of:

"Hi! I don't know if you remember me but I, too, have been here at least 10 years. Here is my experience for what it is worth.  I have gone back and forth - drank and not cared, drank and cared but not done anything about it, drank and really tried to keep my weekend binge drinking under control, absed and fought it the whole time, absed and been relatively content with the process, etc.  Last summer I finally asked for help and completed a 4-week Intensive Outpatient Program.  I have now been sober 9 months - my longest attempt at forever sobriety yet.  What is true for me is that - ya weekends sometimes suck a little, vacations and holidays and special events sometimes suck a little bc I can't drink. Honestly, I miss it. I long to be able to just sit down relax with a drink and not care.....but.....that momentary sense of relief that alcohol brings just isn't worth the anxiety, depression, self-loathing, heart palpitations, insomnia, obsessive/compulsive thinking, etc that comes with it. The more I fought my drinking patterns and tried to control them, the harder I was on myself when I didn't do as well as I wanted.  I came to the realization that while my drinking had very much gotten better, my mental health was steadily declining.  

I feel best about myself when I am not drinking. I am proud of who I am. I am not the self-serving, attention seeking, overly sensitive, non-listening, loud person that I have come to dislike when I am drinking. I am quieter, have more healthy insight, am a better listener, friend, sister, daughter, mother, wife, teacher, coworker when I am able to get out of my own self-destructive obsessive thought patterns that come with drinking. I only get to this place when I have given up the fight - just accepted that I am a person that does not deal with alcohol very well and totally stop drinking.  For me, it became less about how much I was drinking and more about how much I thought about drinking and the feeling of not being the best person I could be. I am the best version of myself when I am not drinking at all.  Now I know that I have way less high highs that came with drinking, but those highs are not worth the low-lows that also came with drinking. I am now trying to figure out how to live in the even keelness of sobriety. "

What I am also realizing is that I don't think I ever really knew who I was.  All of the negative things about myself I blamed on alcohol. All the postive things about myself I gave credit to alcohol for.  For example, I am learning that I really do need down time. Time to regroup, be by myself and re-energize.  I never knew this about myself bc every time I had down time on the weekend it was bc of a hangover.  I am letting it be ok that I want to just binge watch "Castaways" on Hulu on a Saturday night. It is not a waste of time and sometimes I just need a little downtime.

I am also learning that I can be a little overbearing, a bit of a control freak, over achieving, impatient person...and that is not bc of the alcohol.  I don't really like this side of of myself and am working on being more patient and relaxed but I am not a bad person bc I have these qualities. I have always looked at these things as being caused by my drinking problem.  I don't think that is true, but what is true is that I am more accepting of myslef, flaws and all, when I am not beating myslef up about alcohol.  I am also in a better place to work on those things about me that I don't particularly like.  

This spring may not be easy.  I have never made it through a spring sober in 30 years except when pregnant.  I think I should maybe go to group, go see the therapist and blog on a regular basis.  I am a little nervous about getting through it.