9/21/16 (Wed) So tired...and grumpy

I am exhausted and I know drinking this weekend will just put me right back in this spot next week...sooo...I'm not going to drink this weekend

9/20/16 (Tues) New request....advice

If I am going to get heavily involved in some sort of support group, I need to to look a certain type that fits my personality.

I think that I am pretty sensitive, emotional and compassionate towards others.  I hate conflict, am a peace maker and am not a great judge of character bc I have a hard time believing people could be coming from a place of bad intentions - some call that naive...I call it positive and optimistic.

However, when making decision, I am extremely analytical.  I research purchases to death. I am extremely organized and a bit of a perfectionist. I have researched addiction and alcohol for years and know a lot about it.  I think I am obsessed with it...with self analysis...maybe I have analysis paralysis...I love this quote, "Stop trying to figure out why the burning bridge you are standing on is on fire...just get off the bridge!"

I can't figure out if it would be better for me to stop obsessing (although that has usually led me back to drinking) or keep obsessing (which still isn't helping me to stop but making me crazy)!  I feel like I can't win...

I think I would do better with a more analytical type of support group.  While I can be emotional and do appreciate the "good jobs", what motivates me more is facts and proven research and hearing how much better people feel after a time away from drinking.  I need facts and proof.

One of the books I'm going to read again is Alan Carr's "The Easy Way to Stop Drinking."  It just lays all the bullshit out on the table.  Alcohol is an extremely addictive socially accepted drug.  The only reason I want to keep drinking it is because my brain needs it for pleasure - I am addicted to it.  That line of thinking works better for me than the sappy, sugary stuff (which I still greatly appreciate hearing).

9/19/16 (Mon) manic, primal, destructive, compulsive, irrational

I feel pretty at peace with my decision to stop drinking this morning.  Even though I still feel crappy, I woke up with a smile. I think talking to my sister yesterday helped.  She is my one remaining road block (besides my own self) that keeps me drinking.

When I quit for 9 months I realized that no one cared what I was doing. People were perfectly fine drinking whether I was or not.  That was a huge fear. I thought everyone would be so disappointed that I wasn't drinking and would give me a hard time.  That did not happen.  I did become isolated but that was my own choice. I was still invited to everything I just chose not to go.

My sister, however, may be disappointed bc it is usually just me and her drinking - not in a party situation where she has other people to drink with.  I am determined to not let my non drinking effect how much we hang out.  I will just have to prove to her that we can still sit in the sun on one of our patios, hang out and talk...just that same...except I will be drinking something other than alcohol.


My dh asked me if I continue to drink bc of everyone else.  I told him that I don't think so - not anymore. I used to, but that 9 months of sobriety showed me people don't care what I do so I got over that. I told him I continue to drink bc the voice in my head wants me to. I don't even want to say "because I want to" because I know that ultimately "I" don't want to drink anymore. It isn't me that continues to put that poison in my body - that is not me - it is my addiction.  I need to own that addiction, understand it, and control it.  Right now it controls me. I keep it locked away for a few days or a couple weeks or maybe even months, but eventually it always manages to break free and make me do things I don't want to do. It's like it just goes into hiding for a while but never really leaves. I am going to visualize it like a little Tasmanian devil (just manic, primal, destructive, compulsive, irrational) that I keep locked up in my brain.  It is not me...that is not me. I think I need to separate myself from my addiction. See it as a different entity.  Maybe  then I can keep it locked up where it belongs.  When "she" ties to get out- I need to force her back in that cage where she belongs.  She will always live in me but I am stronger.  I am tired of letting a manic, primal, destructive, irrational thing ruin my life.  I am actually a little angry.

Also, maybe I need some help other than this blog - any suggestions other than attending a meeting. Any online support groups any of you found particularly supportive, positive and helpful.  Don't get me wrong - I love all the support I get here, I just maybe need more "live" conversation when my "devil" is trying to escape - life a chat room that is available at all times.

9/18/16 (Sun) Crying....again

On a positive note. I did have a long talk with my sister (who I drank with last night) and told her what I am going through.  She just doesn't get it.  She drank the same amount and felt fine today.

I told her I only had 3 glasses of wine and feel terrible today.  She said, "Maybe you just need to figure out how to have one or two."   I said, "Maybe I should quit drinking."

I told her about kindling and that's why I feel like total shit today.  She said, "Maybe you should get a brain scan."  I said, "Maybe I should quit drinking."

I told her about my mental obsession with alcohol.  She said,"Maybe you should go talk to  someone."I said, "Maybe I should quit drinking."

I know she doesn't want me to stop drinking bc I drink with her, but I can't let that keep me stuck in this misery. I have to do what is best for me.  She will adjust or not, but I can't control that.  Hopefully she heard some of what I was saying and understands the next time she comes over and I can't/won't drink with her.

She means well, she just doesn't understand. It is so hard to explain to someone that doesn't suffer from this addiction.  It is like another entity that wants me to drink lives in my head.  It isn't really me but it has so much power over my decisions and actions.  I can say for 13 days that I don't want to drink and that I feel much better when I don't and then all it takes it my sister coming over and all of a sudden I am drinking wine.  I just don't understand what happens to my resolve.  I am so weak!

I am so tired of going through this over and over and over.

Maybe I should just stop drinking.....

9/17/16 (Sat) Day 13 - Advice please - speeding up the process...

I went back and read some of my August, September, November posts from 2012 when I stayed sober for over 250 days.  I just wanted to see how long it took for he me start waking up feeling amazing.

I did not say I felt amazing until day 26.  I am only on day 13 right now so I guess my body is just still clearing out the toxins.  I have stressful dreams every night - not drinking dreams - but dreams that I killed someone, missed flights, can't save someone else from dying, lost, late, naked in public, etc. I wake up a little headachey, my sinuses hurt, my stomach hurts and I just still feel tired. Frustrating because I am not drinking but going back in my blog was encouraging.  Finding that it took longer to feel good.

Any advice out there of how to speed up the recovery process of ridding my body of toxins?

It was really interesting to go back and reread.  I had the EXACT same tape running in my head about why I don't want to drink.  I seemed so positive and at peace with my decision.  I was tired of fighting the fight.  I just wanted to feel good all the time.  That was 4 years ago!  Shocking how long I have been letting alcohol take up so much of my head space!  I wonder how many amazing things I could accomplish if it wasn't part of my daily thought energy?

9/16/16 (Fri) You aren't fat and you don't have a drinking problem...

I'm going to go for sober weekend #2.  I know I feel better when I don't drink and I really want to get off by butt, start working out and lose this 20 pounds that is making me not be able to wear 80% of the clothes in my closet.  I always wait until Monday to start working out and then don't actually get my butt out of bed to work out.  i'm going to start tomorrow.  Instead of waking up being tired and slightly hung over tomorrow, I am going to use that time to finally start working out again.  Five years ago I weighted 125 pounds (at 5'4"). Now I weigh 145 and I feel horrible.

Its kinda weird.  I think it might be a little like alcohol.  I look in the mirror but I don't really "see" the weight I have gained.  I think I have just gotten used to it - used tot he mediocrity of it all.  I am afraid that after my whole life of being fit and in shape, I may now be the frumpy, over weight, baggy eyed "older" teacher that I said I would never be.

I am still fun and happy and positive and love my job, but I don't think my outside appearance matches that inward feeling.  I wore yoga pants and black shirts all summer - every fall I tell myself I will work out so I can actually get my shorts out again next summer.  Yoga pants never tell you that you are putting on weight - they just happily stretch with you and don't look half bad (in my opinion). I put on a pair of dress slacks yesterday and once I got them on was disgusted.  They were tighter than yoga pants and looked and felt terrible.  These sorta fit me last spring, 5 years ago they would have been falling off.

People say, "Shut up - you aren't fat." but that 20 pounds is a lot and it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin.  It's that same as, "you don't have a drinking problem." I let all those other voices help keep me stuck in my ways.

Well guess what?  I do have a drinking problem and I am fat...so there!  I am not trying to put myself down, just trying to be real so I can stop denying and start changing!

9/13/16 (Tues) Inspiration...comfort in mediocrity

I am not a super religious person. I do believe in a higher power, but I think people have different interpretations of that.  I do believe that the universe speaks to us all the time, we just usually aren't listening.  I had three different shows on this last week that caught my attention.  They were some self help show I can't remember the name of, Super Soul Sunday on the Oprah network and Joel Osteen.

Here are the gems of wisdom I heard (I even stopped what I was doing and backed the show up so I could write them down)

Your eyes will adjust to the level of deficiency present. 

We adjust to the level of deficiency we are programmed to believe.

We adjust to what someone else told us we could do.

What you see is what there is because it is all you have ever seen.

You talk yourself out of your victory.  Just tell yourself to "zip it" when you don't believe your dream is possible.

Don't let others name your future. Don't listen when they try to derail you.

Your future will be brighter than your past.

Too many times we think,"I'll believe it when I see it" when we should be thinking, "I'll believe it then I will see it."

You become too comfortable with mediocrity when you get used to how you have been for a long time and tried to change and failed. You settle for who you are instead of believing who you can become.

I really like the last two.  As miserable as my weekend binge drinking can make be, I'm sure there is some comfort in it being like it has always been - being comfortable with mediocrity.  Change is really hard, sometimes it is way easier to just carry on the status quo even if you are miserable....

9/12/16 (Mon) Success

9/11/16 (Sun) So far so good...but headaches...terrible dreams

So far no alcohol :) One more day to make it a sober weekend.

I am a little irritated that even though I am not drinking, I am have incredibly stressful dreams and waking up with a headache every morning.  What gives?  Its not like I drink every day. In fact I didn't drink Monday - Thursday already last week.  The change is that I also didn't drink Friday or Saturday.


My dreams are things like:

Driving drunk through the treetops, freaking out, wondering how I am going to get back down to the road, sure I'm going to die

Strangling some guy to death with a broom handle  (he is laying down and I am stepping on either side which is across his neck)..know he is going to die

Having a special needs student in my class go into anaphylactic shock and I can't get any of my phones in my classroom to work so I can get an epipen..sure he is going to die

Sitting in a school assembly completely naked wondering how I am going to get to my clothes without anyone noticing

Just terrible/disturbing dreams!  I wake up multiple times in the night stressed with a headache. So dumb...

But, at least I haven't had a hangover :)

Well...this article makes me feel a little better. Maybe.....

"Dreams are a part of the disposal system of the brain. Nightmares clean your brain of what you don’t need. "
Negative Dreams, Disturbing Nightmares?

9/9/16 (Fri) Sober weekend - I promise!

I will be saying this tomorrow!!!!

9/7/16 (Wed) Article from The Fix

8 Takeaway Lessons From Quitting Drinking

9/6/16 (Tues) Try again....

9/5/16 (Mon) when????????????????????????????

WHEN AM I GOING TO FIGURE OUT THAT MY LIFE IS NOT GOING TO GET SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER  UNTIL I GIVE UP THIS ONE THING THAT HAS POWER OVER ME????  WHEN WILL I REALIZE THAT I DON'T CONTROL IT - I HAVE TRIED FOR SO LONG AND HAVE WASTED THE LAST 10 YEARS OF MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL ENERGY TRYING TO PUT A COLLAR ON THIS BEAST OF MINE AND NICELY TAKE IT FOR A WALK.  BUT IT ALWAYS WINS - I CAN TAKE IT FOR  NICE WALK FOR DAYS, MAYBE EVEN WEEKS, SOMETIMES MONTHS BUT IT ALWAYS WINS. ALWAYS PULLS TOO HARD (LIKE A REALLY BIG DOG), I FALL AND IT DRAGS ME ON THE CONCRETE LEAVING ME SCRAPED UP, BRUISED, BLEEDING AND BROKEN.  THEN I GET BACK UP, FORGIVE IT AND DECIDE I AM STRONGER THAN THIS BEAST, ACTUALLY IN CONTROL AND TRY TO WALK IT AGAIN.  ALL ALONG IT IS ALWAYS STRONGER THAN ME - CAN JUST DECIDE WHENEVER IT WANTS TOO TO PULL TO HARD AND DRAG ME HELPLESSLY AROUND. I AM IN DENIAL WHEN I THINK I ACTUALLY HAVE ULTIMATE CONTROL. IT FOOLS ME INTO THINKING I HAVE THE CONTROL SO I DON'T LET GO.

WHEN WILL I JUST DROP THE LEASH AND SAY "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE FOR DRAGGING ME AROUND! GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO ABUSE!"

9/5/16 (Mon) soooo tired.....

9/5/16 (Mon) What is wrong with me!!!!????? Drank all 3 days

I don't understand how I can be so convinced I won't drink and then I do.

Friday - get to my sister's house - she has wine open - she has a glass sitting out waiting for me and I just drink it - end up drinking 3 glasses.  Why? Why is there no voice in my head in that moment that says - you aren't drinking this weekend?  It's not like I even have the conversation with myself. I just drink the wine...that simple.

Saturday - do not drink at dinner (had a stomach ache so didn't feel that great) - go to the neighborhood party. The women are sitting around a table talking and drinking wine - I immediately get a glass and drink 3 glasses of wine...why???  What happened to my voice - it didn't even show up!!

Sunday - have family over - start drinking at 2:30 while preparing dinner (one of my favorite activities to drink with) and end up have 5 beers over the course of 6 hours.

I didn't get wasted this weekend, didn't have a hangover (although a little tired) and still had energy to get stuff done.  I am on estrogen now which seems to help my moods and make me not beat myself up for drinking but I still just sit her scratching my head wondering why????

Why doesn't the "you aren't drinking this weekend voice" even register? Like it isn't even a whisper? I just don't even think about it and just drink?  I don't understand why I am not strong enough to even get through one weekend when I was so certain and determined to all week.

I can type and plan and think and get excited and blog and analyze and dream and hope but as soon as I am in a social situation and that glass of wine is sitting there, none of it means anything...I don't even think about all that stuff I was thinking the day before or even that morning.

I need to do something differently, I just don't know what.  I am not going to meetings...I know that for sure.  Maybe, as Kary May, suggested I should be getting support from an online group.  But which one?  I'm on mm but sometimes that is hard bc I read about people who are successfully moderating which makes me think I could probably/maybe do but really don't want to.

I'm on mmabsers and everyone there is so nice and supportive but I think they must just get really tired of the same of BS from me for years and years. Maybe SMART - I am very analytical and maybe it would give me some different tools other that "Life is great sober...you can do it!"   Don't get me wrong I love getting that input and it does motivate me to try but doesn't seem to be helping me say no when that glass of wine is sitting right in front of me on a Friday night. Life just seems so much better (in that moment) if I enjoy that glass of wine.

Maybe I just truly don't want to be accountable to anyone else except myself...I have let myself down so many times that it doesn't really matter anymore...I really don't know if I believe in myself anymore.

Anybody had any luck with any online support group? Any suggestions for someone who doesn't always do well with the sappy stuff but appreciated brutal honesty and a swift kick in the butt every so often?  I need some new tools in my toolbox.

I know, deep down in my soul, my purpose in life is to be a shiny, happy sober person that everyone (including myself) is proud of.  That I am a beacon of hope and light in this alcohol soaked world for others.  That they can also give up this stupid drug and actually be happy. I can feel it...deep down there...struggling to be realized...I just don't know how to make it happen...