8/31/16 (Wed) big plans for a sober weekend (doubtful but hopeful)

Well..I can't sleep so I may as well write.

i was thinking about the name of my blog...searching for balance

Why did I choose that? I think in the beginning I chose it bc I wanted to be able to drink normally. To be able to balance drinking on the weekends with all of my other goals of being in shape, healthy, calm, rested...at peace.  I was trying to find the balance between drinking too much and not drinking at all.

Well after all these years, I am not sure that balance exists for me.  I also think the real balance I seek will never happen while I drink.  I have talked about this before but I think drinking makes me have manic depressive mood swings.  I slowly rev up for the weekend. When the weekend comes around, I get pretty hyped up and then once drinking I am very excitable, outgoing, loud, extremely talkative (to the point of dominating conversations). Then, the next day, I am withdrawn, quiet, depressed, sensitive and exhausted which lasts for a couple of days. This happens over and over and over.

I think I really might be ready to try something new.  A new way of living.  I just can;t decide what to commit to.  30 days? 60? 90? a year?  I don't think that I have any confidence that I can even go without drinking for one weekend...let alone 30, 60, 90 or 365 days.  I really want to and then I thin about this weekend.  My dd is coming home Friday - will probably go out to dinner after we prck her up at the airport - a glass of wine would be nice.  Saturday - invited to a friends party - a couple beers would be fun.  Sunday - having my family over for dinner - always have a couple of drinks for that....

I know, at 4:00 am in the morning, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't drink. I drank last year after we picked my daughter up, a couple of glasses of wine if I remember right, and wasn't happy after bc that isn't how I wanted to spend the evening with her.  My girlfriend who is throwing the party doesn't drink at all. I have had family dinners in the past while not drinking. It is fine and has a far less chance of having any drama. I know if I drink this weekend it would realistically be 8-10 drinks which is 800-2000 extra calories. Plus I would go back to work on Tuesday without working out, tired, depressed and blah....again....over and over...week after week,... month after month...year after year...

The difficulty comes when it is actually Friday or Saturday or Sunday and in that moment I want to drink....that is when all my blogging, typing, planning, hoping goes out the window.  Maybe it is immaturity to not be able to tell myself no. All of a sudden, in that moment, I am not that bad, I can control it, I can only have 2, I will make sure I take a naltrexone (which gives me terrible stomach cramps and constipates me for days  - btw - so that's so worth it lol).

Why do I have to drink? Why does my weekend seem boring and dull without it? Why do I have a hard time socializing without it? Why can't I look forward to my weekends without it? Why do I feel lonely and isolated without it?

I really, really, really want to not drink this three day holiday weekend.  I want to start working out again next week, to feel better, to eat better, to sleep better.   But..... it is early in the morning as I type all these promises and only Wednesday.  How do I keep that commitment to myself when the weekend actually roles around?



I thought this was interesting.  It would be nice to talk about how much I love my sober life instead of how much I hate drinking....

8/30/16 (Tues) Complete history - things never really change if things don't change

I posted the following on November 13, 2013 (45 years old) - Almost 3 years ago!! 
When will I give up this struggle? 
I am now 48 years old and still struggling....not as bad as in the past but still....

17 years old 
Stated drinking

18-28 years old
Weekend binge drinking almost every weekend both Friday and Saturday nights. Had a blast! No big deal - had fun, got hangovers, got over them, drank again. 


28-33 years old
Did better because I was pregnant and/or had babies. Had a real excuse to tell people of why I wasn't drinking.  Loved this time - probably because I wasn't drinking very much.

31 - 34 years old
Moved into a nice, family orientated, weekend party neighborhood. We all got together with our kids and drank - they played together and we didn't have to drive - perfect! I was the fun party girl in the neighborhood who always planned/hosted the get togethers, chili cook offs, pub crawls, bbq's, block parties, etc..  Many times at my house.  Became great friends with the drinkers that could keep up with me. Met one of my best drinking buddies.

Age 34-35 
Really struggling but didn't care/notice - drinking wine almost nightly with that drinking buddy/neighbor, started smoking cigarettes again (only with her), almost lost my marriage, then she almost lost hers, complete disaster.  First she was there for me and then I was there for her.  By being there - I mean drinking with each other almost every evening.

35-40 years old
Started really struggling in my own head.  My drinking and not drinking was becoming an obsession.  Started to notice how important alcohol was to me.  Had two little kids and wanted to be a good role model - started trying to cut back.  

40-42 years old
A mess!  Binge drinking 2-4 times a month - taking days to recover both physically, mentally, emotionally. I started to realize I had a problem. Started to notice the struggle in my head.

One side of my brain said:

I am a teacher - have been for 25 years.  I think I am a good teacher, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend. I do a lot for everyone.  I take care of everyone. I think people would say I am compassionate, friendly, outgoing but also a little too sensitive and maybe a little controlling :). I can control this.
I don't drink every day (although I did struggle with having those couple of glasses of wine every night for a little while).  I have never been to jail, had a DUI, been in trouble, etc.  I go to work, pay my bills and take care of my family.  I love to work hard and play hard. I typically don't drink Sunday - Thursday.  I go to the gym, go to work, eat well and take care of my family.  I do look forward to those weekend nights were I can have a few drinks, kick back and have some fun. I have been doing that for the last 25+ years.

The other side of my brain said:
I am also a binge drinker. I am having trouble controlling this.
I have learned that I rarely can stop at 2 once I start.  It usually turns into 4-7 drinks over a period of 5-6 hours.  I am not very big - so those 4-7 drink really mess me up. Once alcohol hits my system - I could give a shit!  All of the rules, planning, promises go out the window! I have no stop button.  This usually happens 2-4 times a month.  It doesn't sound like much, but when it takes 3 days to recover from a binge (Sun - Wed) just to turn around and do it again the next weekend - I am exhausted.

42-43 years old 
New I had to do something. I found moderation management.  I bought the book, tried all the rules, posted to the list and really tied to control my weekend drinking.  It seemed the harder I tried to control it, the worse it became.  I was a mess.  I was beating myself up mentally all the time.  All I thought about was drinking - if I was or wasn't, if I was proud of myself or not.  It was hell - all day every day.  I tried to go on Prozac   That didn't work - just made me go from sober to fall down drunk with no warning (some of my most embarrassing moments).  I was fighting with everyone because I was an emotional wreck.  Of course it was everyone else's fault.  I just wanted to hide in my bedroom and watch intervention shows on TV (at least I wasn't as bad as them - when secretly I think I saw myself going down that road and in a weird way actually jealous that they were so bad, people had to step in). I felt so alone in my addiction.  I couldn't talk about it - didn't want anyone to know.  I was living in my own personal hell. I didn't even know if I was actually addicted to alcohol or just being my overly obsessive self - it was just my newest obsession.

43 years old 
After 17 months of seriously trying to live by the rules and failing miserably, I found MMabsers - a sub list of the moderation list - who are a bunch of great people trying to live sober.  I spent a lot of time - 2 years! - reading, learning, contemplating, blogging, trying to get some of the misery out of my head.  I still didn't have anyone to talk to in my real life (as opposed to my cyber life) but at least I was getting it out somewhere. I was fascinated by how these people who really were just like me, could live sober and be happy!  How in the hell could life be happy (sitting in the sun on a Friday  going on vacation, going out to dinner, etc) actually be any fun without alcohol?  Something was starting to grow inside me - could I be like that? Could it be possible?  Was I strong enough?  I started learning that I really was addicted and that I felt so crappy for days after a binge because of the poison I was putting in my body.  I real the Alan Carr book and started to see alcohol for what it was - a stupid drug that I was addicted to - no better than a heroine addict just accepted by society!

Although I was starting to see things differently, my weekend bingeing was out of control. When I woke up with a hangover on Christmas morning 2011, I had had enough.  I told my whole family. - parent, sister, kids, husband - everyone - I needed some accountability   I decided I couldn't do it alone anymore. I was exhausted and hung over and sobbing. Somehow I got through the rest of the holidays and as my hang over wore off, I was pissed I had told anyone because now I couldn't fail without everyone knowing.  It was my own little secret anymore.

43-44 years old  
I went 85 days sober - 12/25/11 - 3/18/12.  I posted a lost to this blog during that time.  It was a roller coaster ride - so proud of myself, pissed off I couldn't drink, at peace with my decision, sad that I couldn't drink, and bored out of my mind!

44 years old  
From 3/18/12 - 8/1/12 - I slowly, methodically  unconsciously, undeniably went downhill.  My weeks were - Fri = drinking, Sat = drinking, Sun = HO, hiding, depressed, Mon - Tues = exhausted, making promises to myself (I will do better next weekend , Wed = starting to feel better, Thurs = rationalize - I will be more careful, Fri = gearing up for the weekend, drink - REPEAT! over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...until I just couldn't take it anymore!

44 years old
8/1/12 - I quit for good.  I didn't care anymore about how hard it would be - the pain of quitting could not possibly be any worse than the pain of drinking.I got through so many first. It was still a roller coaster ride (I did post about all of that here).  Most of the time I was relieved to not be fighting it anymore.  I just gave up, gave in - Alcohol - you win - you are stronger than me.  If I try to have you in my life - you will always win - so better just not to try.  One think I still really struggled with was my energy level and my boredom.  Life was so boring!! I couldn't hang out with my friends much bc they all drank and i was either jealous, annoyed or bored around them. I was also worried about spring and summer vacations. Who even cared about any of it if I couldn't drink.  
45 years old 
After 255 days sober, on 4/13/13 - I drank. Just a little.  One glass of wine.  For 2 months I did really well.  I don't think I over did it? I don't know bc I stopped blogging.  I could be a normal drinker!  Yeah!  I was so happy!  This is all I ever wanted!  I could have a couple of drinks with my friends occasionally and keep it under control.  My boredom went away.  This was perfect! I was so relieved that I could quit fighting my demon.  I had won!

45 years old (the day I posted in November 2013)
Well.....guess what????.... 210 days later (November 2013) - I am a disaster again! I feel like shit! My body hurts, my heart hurts, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, my back hurts, I am depressed, grumpy, anxious and exhausted!  Just like before I was so far in denial I couldn't even see what was happening.  I kept trying to log onto my blog and the mmabsers list but I couldn't remember my password, so I just gave up and kept making promises to  myself and kept binge drinking.  I drank too much last Saturday (which was only one bottle of wine - but that is just way too much for my body to handle anymore), felt terrible Sunday and at work yesterday (can't sleep - anxiety attacks) and stayed home today to get my shit together.  I worked for awhile at my passwords and was finally able to log on.  


Since August 1 - November 10 (2013), I have drank over the two or three I promised myself 12 of the 15 weekends.  I have drank every weekend and had a significant H0s 10 of the weekends.  Until I sat down and figured it out, I didn't realize how bad it had gotten again. 

I would just put it out of my mind, make promises to myself to do better and move forward - all the while my demon was secretly, silently, insidiously, getting stronger and stronger - hiding behind the veil (more like a wall) of denial!

I am making a 6 month commitment to abstaining from alcohol (maybe longer - who even knows anymore), blogging at least once a week and healing.  I know this time I have to work on the boredom and energy levels.  Last time I gave myself permission to eat crappy, not work out and just rest - better than drinking!  I think I need to take a new approach - more of a holistic approach - I need to really take care of myself - through many avenues so I can be proactive in helping myself feel better.  Last abs period, I just thought it would come naturally. That once I stopped drinking on the weekends  the heavens would just open up and I would be healed and joyful and happy - like those people on the mmabsers list!  

Maybe it's not that easy, maybe i have to work at it.

All I know is that (ONCE AGAIN) the pain of not drinking seems to pale in comparison to the pain of drinking.

8/29/16 (Mon) You are an asshole and I am sick of you dragging me around!

Two weekends ago - did not drink Friday (partly because I had drank the previous Wednesday which is a big fail for me - to drink during the week). Only drank 2 on Saturday and felt really good. But then just got this crazy idea to have 1 (which turned into 4 and included not making or even eating dinner) on Sunday which made me feel completely crappy Monday.

This last weekend - nothing Friday (yeah) but then 7!!!! Saturday.  I did take my pill, it was over the course of 9 hours (5:00 pm to 1:00 am - soooo stupid), I drank water and never got super buzzed but still felt totally crappy yesterday.  Ate like shit and today am bloated, puffy, tired and depressed.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING SICK AND TIRED!!!!!

I have to lose 20 pounds.  I am only 5'4" and weighed 120-125 all the way until I was around 35.  I am now 48 and weigh around 145.  It is ridiculous! None of my clothes fit but I refuse to go buy "fat" clothes so I am uncomfortable everyday. I feel like a fat sausage squeezed into a casing with stuff spilling out.  It is disgusting!  I have puffy eyes that never get better because of all the salt I eat during a hangover.  I am overly sensitive and emotional. I am depressed, exhausted and just drag myself through most days. I make up all kinds of excuses of why I can't exercise every morning. I have no self confidence, drive, ambition or courage to change.  I feel defeated, beaten down and worthless most of the time.  But - I do put on a pretty good facade.  To most people I probably seem happy, confident, at peace with myself.

I just feel like I am living a shadow of my life...just going through the paces....the only thing I really get excited about (in all honesty ) is drinking.  Sure, I say I am excited for a neighborhood get together or a vacation or a Friday afternoon in the sun or a Saturday dinner with friends or a Sunday at my house with family or nice weekend evening watching movies or a trip to my favorite little town but really what I am excited for is the drinking that goes with all of that.  If I take the drinking out of it - really - I don't care about any of it.  That is a very sad state of affairs.  Is it possible that I don't really even enjoy life itself anymore without drinking?

I know I am not "physically" addicted (shakes, seizures, morning/everyday drinking) but I am physically addicted in my brain (the neurology of it) - not just in my thinking but in the actual way I have reconditioned my brain to be wired.

I am really honestly starting to lose hope in my ability to change or quit drinking. I have been fighting this for so long - bad weekend binge drinking in my 20's but didn't think much or if - better in my early 30s because of pregnancies and having little kids - last 10 years have been a mental and emotional and physical disaster.  I feel like I have wasted 10 years of my life being obsessed - am I going to drink? how much? when? be sure to count...drink water...eat first....take your pill...hangovers...depression...anxiety...insomnia...

WHEN AM I GOING TO FIGURE OUT THAT MY LIFE IS NOT GOING TO GET SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER  UNTIL I GIVE UP THIS ONE THING THAT HAS POWER OVER ME????  WHEN WILL I REALIZE THAT I DON'T CONTROL IT - I HAVE TRIED FOR SO LONG AND HAVE WASTED THE LAST 10 YEARS OF MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL ENERGY TRYING TO PUT A COLLAR ON THIS BEAST OF MINE AND NICELY TAKE IT FOR A WALK.  BUT IT ALWAYS WINS - I CAN TAKE IT FOR  NICE WALK FOR DAYS, MAYBE EVEN WEEKS, SOMETIMES MONTHS BUT IT ALWAYS WINS. ALWAYS PULLS TOO HARD (LIKE A REALLY BIG DOG), I FALL AND IT DRAGS ME ON THE CONCRETE LEAVING ME SCRAPED UP, BRUISED, BLEEDING AND BROKEN.  THEN I GET BACK UP, FORGIVE IT AND DECIDE I AM STRONGER THAN THIS BEAST, ACTUALLY IN CONTROL AND TRY TO WALK IT AGAIN.  ALL ALONG IT IS ALWAYS STRONGER THAN ME - CAN JUST DECIDE WHENEVER IT WANTS TOO TO PULL TO HARD AND DRAG ME HELPLESSLY AROUND. I AM IN DENIAL WHEN I THINK I ACTUALLY HAVE ULTIMATE CONTROL. IT FOOLS ME INTO THINKING I HAVE THE CONTROL SO I DON'T LET GO.

WHEN WILL I JUST DROP THE LEASH AND SAY "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE FOR DRAGGING ME AROUND! GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO ABUSE!"

8/24/16 (Wed) For me - a prisoner in my own mind

8/22/16 (Mon) Live your way into sober thinking

8/12/16 (Fri) Out of control (drank Mon-Wed) Terrible hangover

out of control

1. 1.

   no longer possible to manage.

So two posts ago I am contemplating not drinking for a year.  Then I have a horrendous hangover Sunday bc of too much wine Saturday. Then I go to an out of town work thing and drink Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night - so much that I feel like dog shit all day Thursday at the conference. I was having anxiety attacks, feel dizzy and nauseous all day.  Now today I have my first day back to work and I am tired, bloated, have a headache, depressed, fat, unhealthy, want to just not go, worried everyone will look at me and think, "wow - she had a rough summer break".  WE have to do all this dumb "team building" stuff which means I have to talk to people and fake how "good" I am doing when all I really want to do is crawl back in bead and cry.  I started this summer break announcing to myself how it was going to be different.  I wasn't going to drink every weekend, I wasn's going to waste any days with hangovers, I was going to take care of myself, get in shape and make it all better.  I did pretty well in June but fell off the rails in July and August - why??? - bc I didn't drink in June.  I am wasting my life with all this bullshit and I am sick of it!!!!  I don;t even want to make a declaration of no drinking for 30 days, 1 year, ever...bc I know I will just fail.  I am so sick of failing that I don;t even want to try any more.

and spiraling downward....



I just don't know what to do anymore.  I know that answer is QUIT DRINKING!!! but I have known that for a long time...

How do I do that?  How do I keep the commitment to myself and stop all of the mind games?  How do I find the strength to say no - no matter how mad, sad, isolated, irritated, bored, lonely I feel?

How???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

8/8/16 (Sun) Terrible Sunday - Hangover

Drank way too much wine and felt like complete crap all day Sunday......so tired.....

I don't look at this as funny...but as the stupid truth!

8/6/16 (Fri) Feel calm about not drinking this weekend

Still feeling good about not drinking even though it is a Friday.  I am going to try to focus on how good not drinking feels the entire next day when I get the urge to drink.  It just really isn't worth it - all the time of my life I waste thinking about drinking, sitting around drinking, recovering from drinking, blogging about drinking, reading about drinking, obsessing about drinking.  I need something different.  I am tired of it.  I will continue to read about it and blog about it, however, because if I don't I (time and time and time again) end up right back in the same place.

8/4/16 (Thurs) Contemplating one year sober and drinking alone

Well I am back and in the contemplation stage again....at least I haven't given up.

July was not great, but not the worst it has ever been.  After a pretty much sober and very productive June, I had two vacations in July.  Of the 14 total days of vacation, I only got out of hand one time (that is improvement) but I drank all 14 days - usually around 4 drinks per day.  I am so bad on vacations.  Now I am left here in my house, one week before school starts again feeling "dull".  I can't figure out how else to describe it.  I just feel numb, unmotivated, depressed, slothy, tired and uninspired.  I am pretty sure it is an actual chemical thing that has to do with putting a depressant in my body 21 of the last 34 days.  I don't think I am beating myself up mentally as I haven't gotten wasted except for that one time. I think the alcohol itself is making me depressed.  I haven't taken my naltrexone all month.  I have no idea why...maybe bc you have to take it one hour before drinking and when I want to drink I want to drink and I don't want to wait an hour.

Last night (a Wednesday night btw - WTF!!)  I just sat on the couch, ate popcorn, watched mind numbing TV and drank 4 IPA (high alc content) beers.  I have no idea why?  My son (who just turned 18) came in the room and asked "Boredom drinking?"  I guess - I don't know - more like numb, unmotivated, depressed, slothy, tired, uninspired drinking.  Of course I went to bed without cleaning up the kitchen or brushing my teeth and woke up at 3:00 am.  I was awake from 3:00 - 4:30 tossing and turning, sweating and contemplating.........

What if I took one year off from drinking.  It's not "never". It's just one year out of my life. How would I feel?  Would it erase these numb, unmotivated, depressed, slothy, tired, uninspired feelings I drag around with me all day?  It's just one year out of my life....could I do it? would I fail? but what about dinner plans this weekend? what about a trip for school I am taking next week? what about the great breweries in Seattle everyone will want to go visit? what about the condo I have booked in the mountains for Sept 9?  when I will finally give up the fight? when will I try something different? when won't there be excuses?

Why not just do it?  Just say screw it...I'm not drinking for 365 days no matter what life throws at me?  I am strong! I can do this!  There are so many people that would support me and be proud of me. Those that don't want to be around me when I am not drinking...screw them!  That is their problem. I need to do what is best for me! Fighting this addiction is no longer what is best for me.  I have been stuck in this place of trying to moderate, trying to control, playing tug of war with this drug for too long. I have wasted to much of my life dragging myself through life.  There has to be a better way.  Enough is enough...enough struggling, misery, depression, anxiety, weight gain.  Time to drop the rope.  Everyone who quits drinking talks about how great it is.  Sure it is hard at times but those pass and life in general is so much better...the day to day is better....I haven't ever heard anyone who quit say that they wish it could go back to the way it was.  Maybe it is my time...my time to experience that... my time to see what life could be like without putting poison into my body every weekend. Maybe I should be done contemplating and just do it...what do I have to lose?  A drug? I can be social and fun and happy without alcohol. I will prove it to myself and everyone else.  I will be that person that inspires everyone else to do better bc I am doing it with a HAPPY HEART - bc I WANT to - bc it is my CHOICE! I will not isolate, complain, feel sorry for myself bc I can't put a stupid drug in my body bc I can if I want to - I just don't want to!

Phew!!!! That was an entire stream of thought flowing out of my fingertips.