8/31/15 (Mon) - Bigger than me

I think I have something coming to my family that is going to need my full attention.  It is huge and I am going to need to be strong and present and there for the ones I love.  It is not going to be all about me anymore. My time of being selfish and always worrying about myself, my issues, my sensitivities is coming to a close and it is about GD time.  There are others who are going to need me and I will be unable to do that if I am so self absorbed with my problems and issues.  Time to grow up...

8/28/15 (Fri) - Drink with me...

"I will never, ever understand why other people care so much about whether people around them drink, as long as they can themselves. "

I read this in an article this morning.  I'll tell you why  - because I am/was one of those people.  

You never, ever want sober people around judging you when you are drinking too much.  It is embarrassing and shameful. In fact, I wouldn't even invite people that I knew didn't drink. That's why....

It's all just so stupid!

8/24/15 (Mon) - Glimmer of hope

I do feel like every time I go through this type of hangover, it does serve a purpose. It pushes me a little closer to giving it up altogether.  I see that light down the road, I just can't seem to get to it.  Its more like I feel it down there - calling to me - pulling at my heart.  I am 47 yo and sometimes I wonder what my purpose is? What is my message to the world? What will be my legacy? What kind of a difference can I make? Maybe sobriety could be it. I could be the inspiration for my family and friends that it can be done with grace, dignity and joy. That I could be completely sober and be at peace, grateful and full of love. Sometimes I truly believe in my heart that the light way down there is where I will eventually wind up. I guess the question is how many ditches do I have to climb out of before I make it?  That, I guess, is only for me to decide.

8/23/15 (Sun) - Deep dark hole (percocets?)

Deep dark hole is what I google searched this morning.  I feel like total dog shit this morning.  When I woke up, after 4 hours of drunken sleep, I thought about the percocets in my closet.  We have a bunch since my dh has had a couple surgeries and he never takes them.  I thought, "Mabye I should just take a couple to put me to sleep for a few hours until the hangover wears off."  That is how desperate I am for this day to be over.  That is just a sad existence.  I didn't and won't take them but it kinda scared me that I even thought about it.  Another thing that entered my mind is that I could see how people (I was specifically thinking about celebrities like Robin Williams, Whitney Houston and her daughter and Michael Jackson) could actually just take a handful to make the pain and suffering end for that moment.  I bet they weren't thinking about not being around ever again, but that they just wanted relief from the physical, emotional, debilitating, devastating anguish they were feeling right in that moment.  That thought also scared me a little.

Well..I'm not going to do that...I have too much to live for...I'm going to eat something and go back to bed. I just wanted to at least record how I am feeling today. When I do try to get my shit together, it helps me go back and read how bad I was feeling.

8/20/15 (Thurs) - Loss of stamina/need to do better

Man, this going back to work thing (teacher) is a killer!  I am exhausted at the end of every day! I really need to get my stamina back up.  I know that is not going to happen if I drink too much this weekend.

I am tired of myself. All this internal conflict, fighting, drama I have with this drug. Am I going to drink? How much? When? With who? It all usually starts on Thursday night.  I start making my weekend plans.  Already I have a family dinner this weekend and I know that I purposely made it for Saturday instead of Sunday so I could drink.  I can't change the date now so I am just going to have to remind myself that over drinking this weekend is not going to help my stamina at all. In fact, it will make it worse next week.

I am not going to drink anything on Friday or Sunday and limit my drinking Saturday to 3 glasses of wine at the most.  I am going to make sure to take my naltrexone and try to delay the first glass of wine for as long as possible.I am also going to send any left over wine home with my sisters so I am not tempted to drink it on Sunday.

As I type this plan I feel a sense of anxiety, right in my throat.  I can't explain it - this I now I 'm going to want to drink and and going to anyway. I just felt myself sigh.....with this sense of "Yeah right! You and your big plans. I don't even know why you bother anymore. You never honor your commitments anyway."

Well...that's depressing

8/17/15 (Mon) - keep trying...

I. will. not. give. up.

8/16/15 (Sun) - Fail

Well, I drank too much last night and have a hangover.....not much else to say.

I don't know why I keep putting all of these promises to myself on this blog when I don't seem to be able to keep any of them.  Just ridiculous....

8/12/15 - “Love of comfort is the enemy of greatness” – Todd Henry.

I was listening to someone talk about a presentation they attended from Todd Henry.  He talked about the 7 sins of mediocrity.  I think I am going to order this book and read it.  It talks a lot about ego, fear of the unknown and the need to stay comfortable as roadblocks to true change in our lives.

These sins are:

AIMLESSNESS: The book's chapter "Define Your Battles" helps you identify what you will stand for.
BOREDOM: "Be Fiercely Curious" provides several strategies to avoid "busy boredom," including what he calls a "bliss station."
COMFORT: "Step Out of Your Comfort Zone" helps you establish a new vector and set step, sprint, and stretch goals on your new course.
DELUSION: "Know Yourself" helps you identify what truly resonates with you and what unique contribution you alone are capable of pursuing.
EGO: "Be Confidently Adaptable" helps you prevent an inflated ego from stalling progress on your most important work.
FEAR: "Find Your Voice" helps you take small, calculated risks every day.
GUARDEDNESS: "Stay Connected" helps you maintain productive collaboration rather than closing off from relationships when things get busy.

In some areas in my life I think I am stuck in mediocrity of this fight with alcohol because my ego tells me I can successfully moderate, my guardedness keeps me from showing my true self to people, my need for comfort makes the challenges of sobriety too much to handle and my fear of never drinking again, not fitting in, looking weird, not having friends, not enjoying vacation, never having fun keeps me from total sobriety.

I am still feeling this morning that my life can have a greater purpose.

“Love of comfort is the enemy of greatness” – Todd Henry.

8/11/15 - Make your Mess your Message

Another great quote I don't want to forget.  There is still part of my that never wants to drink again and be that shining light of hope for the many that struggle - to be that example to my friends and family - that you don't have to drink to be happy. I feel it in me. That this could define me, give me greater purpose, be my claim to fame (so to speak), be what I stand for....

8/11/15 - RIP

For some reason the death of Robin Williams hit me really hard last year.  It could have been because of the dark place I was in when I heard about it. Or it could be that in some ways I can relate to him in the fact he tried so hard to cover up his own struggles to the world with a facade.  I think I do that all the time.  I don't think I do it because I am afraid of what people will think of me in the moment. I know that my friends and family will support me no matter what.  I think it is because I am afraid of what they will think or what that will mean to me in the future.  I don't want to share with them my struggles and then have them give me "the look" if I decide to have a drink.  It is much easier to hide in all of your own bullshit of no one else knows about it.  But hiding in all that bullshit can be a lonely (and stinky) place.

8/10/15 - All in or all out

I don't have to be perfect to be good enough.  I am such an all or nothing person. I am either all in or all out. If I don't think I can do it perfectly or if I feel like some of the process is out of my control, I am all out.  I do this with everything - alcohol, relationships, projects, diet and exercise...how do I change this?

8/9/15 - Back to school

Well I go back to school tomorrow.  I am a WAYYY better place than I was last year at this time. Last year I was a wreck! I had just come off of like 10 straight days of drinking (we had gotten stuck on vacation because we were flying standby) and I was a mess.  I started the year in such a dark, scary, lonely place. I am thankful I am not in that place this year.

I say it every year, but this is going to be the year I come into myself, so to speak.  I am going to be 48 years old this next birthday and it is about time I get my shit together.

Here are my goals:

Only work 8 hour days (as a teacher I could easily be at school 10 ours every day)
Tell myself, "It will all get done and it doesn't have to be right now."
Not get sensitive about other people's comments or lack thereof - worry about myself
Not get caught up in other people's drama
Say no - I don't need to have my hand in every jar
Stop feeling like I have to control everything and do everything myself
Trust that other also know what they are doing
Work out 4 days a week - EVERY WEEK
Go to Yoga 2 times a week - EVERY WEEK
Only drink on the weekends and only moderately
Take my naltrexone every time I drink
Drink water
Get enough sleep
Walk my dogs
Eat a clean diet
Try to keep my stress level down
Be a calm, peaceful, positive, easygoing version of myself
Blog at least once a week

I KNOW I can do all of this if my drinking is under control
I KNOW that none of this is possible with over drinking and hangovers

8/6/15 - Trip to the mountains with naltrexone

I would say my 4 day trip to the mountains was so so:

Positives
took hikes every day
didn't eat like total crap
didn't have any drunken fights or crying sessions
only had 13 drinks for the 3 days (none on the last day)

Negatives
still had 13 for the 3 days
slept terribly
woke up not feeling so hot each morning
am pretty tired today from drinking 6 out of the last 8 days

Differences naltrexone made compared to past trips to the mountains with family (I think). I did dtake a half a pill before the first drink in the afternoon on all three days.

Positives
Even though I did drink Sunday, Monday and Tuesday enough to not feel great the next day, I wasn't in the kitchen sneaking drinks, finishing other people's glasses, freaking out that I had to stop drinking for the night.  That was different. I was in bed each night by 11:00 and was fine being done.  I still over drank , but didn't have that insatiable "need" for more that is so bad for me when on  vacation.  This is a very good improvement!

Negatives
I still slept horrible.  I know that is because of the alcohol not the naltrexone but something that was different was how incredibly dry my mouth, throat, nose and sinuses were during the night.  I even had a bloody nose one of the mornings.  That was different and not pleasant but I don't know if it is because of the naltrexone.  I have also had a couple of dizzy spells and have felt overall a little spacey.  I have read that this can be a side effect but will go away.

SO I think my trip was ok.  I still drank more than I wanted to and I still really wanted to drink on all three of those days, but I think I definitely did better stopping and going to bed.  I am just going to stay the course and see how it goes.

School starts for me Monday so I 'm going to try not to drink any more before then.  Sometimes when I am on my last week of summer I go all out and party which does not set me up for a very positive start to the school year.

This is what I blogged last year when school started.  I don't want it to be the same this year.

I feel so alone right now.  Today at work, I found myself wishing I would fall and hit my heard or something so that I could just go home and go to  bed and no one would know why.  I went back and forth between feeling like I was going to pass out or start crying.  I was ready to quit my 23 year teaching career, walk out the door and never look back. 

8/2/15 - Naltrexone #2

Last night my family was coming over for dinner.  The first time we have all gotten together since May when there was some drama.  I was a little anxious about the whole thing so I had been pretty wound up all day. I took 1/2 a pill at 5:00 and had a beer at 5:50. After that beer I switched to wine and drank 2 glasses finishing at 9:00.

What was the same - I was still loud (not a good thing), talkative, buzzed, having fun (I think), easily distracted from what I should be doing (cleaning up dinner, etc.)

What was different - I feel like the alcohol hit me a little harder, a little faster. I felt way more buzzed (I hate the word "drunk" as that is what my mom always called my alcoholic father) than I think I should have with only 3 drinks.  I don't know if that is a side effect, but I didn't like it.  My distractability factor seemed worse - like I just couldn't stay focused on a task at all.

Here is the biggest difference and I know I wasn't imagining this one.  Everyone was gone by 9:00. In my book, on a Saturday, that is pretty early.  Normally I would have stayed up drinking another 2-3 hours.  I would have most certainly finished the bottle of wine. I might have even called the neighbors to see if they were still up as we told them we might when everyone left.  Instead, I poured my third glass of wine, sat down on the couch and tried to watch tv.  I couldn't do it. I literally could not stay awake.  It was a very weird feeling.  I had only had 3 drinks, so I was definitely pretty buzzed but not wasted and I felt like I was moving in and out of consciousness.  I could not keep my eyes open and when they closed, I was immediate asleep like almost passed out. It was so weird.  I did that until about 11:00 not even touching that 3rd glass of wine, got up and went to bed.

Normally when I am buzzed enough that I am falling asleep on the couch (which for me is pretty buzzed) I don't even get ready for bed (wash my face/brush my teeth). I just fall into bed and basically pass out. Last night I got ready for bed and even took some advil just in case I woke up with a headache.  I slept pretty good from 11:00-2:30. I woke up and 2:30 and can't figure out if I went back to sleep or not.  I didn't feel like I did, but I think I might have just been in a really light sleep the rest of the night.  Or maybe not because I think I was dreaming. I have no idea, but my fitbit said I got 6.5 hours of sleep. Normally when I can;t sleep, I am tossing and turning and I wasn't so maybe I was asleep longer than I thought.

I don't know...I think this Natrexone is kinda weird.  It makes my head feel a little weird, but I certainly have not drank as much in the past two nights as I normally would have in these situations. And I don't really have a hangover this morning - just a little light headed and my ears are ringing but not my normal "feel like total shit" feeling.

The best thing is that when they party was over, so was I - that never happens unless I am totally drunk.  So..I would say - so far so good.  It is definitely decreasing my drinking so far. Hopefully I am not just imagining it or it is some kind of weird coincidence.

We are going to the mountains today for four days with family which is usually pretty stressful.  I would like to say that I won't drink, but I know I will so I am going to make sure I take the naltrexone one hour before I drink on all three days.  Hopefully it will be a relaxing, hangover free trip.

8/1/15 - Naltrexone - I tried it

Last night I knew I would probably have a beer when I got done running my errands so I took 1/2 a naltrexone at 5:30.  When I got home at 6:30 I drank an 8.0% beer while I was making dinner.  I got a buzz like I always do and sat down to eat dinner.  After dinner I walked the dogs (around 8:00).  I was surprised at how many people were outside and sober at this time on a Friday haha. After that I came home, watched a little tv, ate some ice cream and went to bed.

Maybe it is the placebo effect, maybe it was the full moon, maybe it was just coincidence but I just didn't want a 2nd beer that much.  I have no idea how long it has been since I have had only 1. Normally I would have been on my 2nd beer during dinner and then probably not even walked.  Even if I would have walked, I would have probably had a 3rd while watching tv.  My brain wasn't screaming at me to have another.  I even ate ice cream (which I never do) and my brain said, "Well, at least it won't give you a hangover."  It is very unusual for my brain to talk me into anything other than alcohol after I have already had one drink.  I did wake up this morning a little spacey but no hangover.  I wonder if it could be the pill as I am pretty sensitive to medication.

I am having family over tonight (the first time since the conflict in May) and we are going on family trip (including my sister and her kids) tomorrow.  The stress of tonight and the way I get on vacation (partay!) are recipes for disaster for me so I am going to be sure to take the 1/2 a pill for the next few days and see what happens.  If it continues to work, and I still feel spacey in the morning, I will try only 1/4 a pill.

Oh how I hope I wasn't imagining it working last night........