Back to business

I did drink again last night, but plan on absing at least through the week and next weekend.  We really don't have anything going on next weekend that would make that hard (except for my own darn self).  I am going to commit to a 12 day abs and take it from there.  I am also going to go to the gym, got to bed early, drink my water, and eat well.  See if just being more healthy overall will help with the absing.  It is a strategy that I used to help me quit smoking.  

Back to Square One

I absolutely love fall!  I love the coolness in the air, the colors, the smell. I have not posted in a while because I have not had a whole lot of good things to report.  It seems like my drinking has been slowly increasing again. I absed for around 14 days, maybe longer, I can't remember.  It doesn't even matter now, because I am down i the dumps with yet another hangover.  It started with a sip of a beer one weekend, then one beer the next weekend, then one beer on a Wednesday, then one on a Wednesday and Thursday and 3 on a Friday. Then 4 on a Friday and 5 on a Saturday.  now - back to were I am trying to never be again.  Last night was back to my old self.  Hard week - I am just going to have some wine with a friend and relax.  I didn't eat dinner, I didn't drink water.  The first couple of glasses of wine were good, I kept it slow.  I started to feel a little too buzzed and new I would get obliterated with more wine so I switched to beer.  This is were all rationality left.  My BAC was too high and the addiction in my brain took over.  I was just guzzling beer like it was water.  I even finished our friend's beer after he left because I didn't want any one to see me get up and get yet another beer.  Grand total 7 drinks in 6 hours! No dinner! No water! No self esteem today! Please no sympathy.... only I am in control over my choices and I made some bad decision last night.  Now I must pay the price.  

Choice

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. 
Viktor E. Frankl

Day 2 - Again

Pretty depressed yesterday - again.  Pretty tired today  - again.  Same shit - different day.  I like how someone on the mmabsers list said, "The only way to stop drinking is to stop drinking!"  I am going to try listening to some other more experienced absers who have said that you have to give absing some time.  My thought process around alcohol is not going to get any clearer while I am drinking, even only occasionally.

Reflecting

The last month goes something like this:

abs 14 days - recovering - really committed to this new way of life

two sips of a beer - just sips - jeez

7 abs days

one drink - it is ok - just one - I am spending too much time working on all of this

5 days of abs - not thinking about it as much

one drink - hey this is OK - I can be a normal drinker

4 days of abs - start distancing myself for my mmabsers lists - too much time on the computer

1 drink - hey it os Friday - I have been doing well

4 drinks - well I don't know how that happened - but at least it was just beer - not wine

6 drinks - it was wine - so feeling a little down this morning

I see a pattern here - fewer abs days in between - alcohol consumption increasing.

I still think I am confused about what I really want. Do I want to:

A.  Stop worrying about all this.  Stop the obsessing.  Sign out from all lists.  Just live my life having a couple of drinks here and there?  (I really am not that bad.)

B.  Keep plugging away at moderating because I really don't want to never drink again, just don't want to have a problem.  (Let's face it - I do have issues with alcohol.)

C.  Abs forever - Well that may sound like the most peaceful (and truly what I want in my heart) - but a lot of work to get and stay there and kind of a drag.

Awake

I feel much better this morning.  Have my coffee and am ready to roll up my sleeves and get some work done (which has not really been the order of business on a Saturday for along time).  I am usually recovering form a HO.  I am finding that I set the tone for this whole family.  If I am working on projects, so are they.  I fI am out having fun, so are they.  If I am laying around recovering from a HO all day, so are they (not the HO part).
I did have one beer last night - I don't know why.  Habit I guess.  I am starting to wonder if my one once in a while are setting me up for another patch of difficulties controlling it.  We shall see.  I do want to remain predominately sober.  I want to have a beer or glass of wine on occasion, but never get trashed.  I do not ever want to be trashed again.  I do not ever want another hangover.  I really do reel that the pain of that is starting to outweigh whatever fun it may give me in the moment.

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

How am I?  I don't know...I had that one beer last weekend and was ok with that (I think).  Then Tuesday night, for no reason at all, I decided to have a beer while cooking dinner.  I really like to cook and I really really like to cook while having a "beverage".  So I did...I thought...no big deal....then I thought....well I am already drinking/already blew it....I might as well have another.  I stopped after 2 but still....I got that whole I feel really lazy, don't want to get off the couch feeling.  I was really tired yesterday and really bitchy today.  That is my pattern when I am withdrawing, but I don't think it could be a physical thing after only 2 beers.  Do you?  I think maybe I am just mad at myself.  I have no idea if I am coming or going....or what I want to do.  I don't want to post on the mm list, because I don't want to belong there anymore...and I don't want to post on the mmabser list  - would feel like a hypocrate ....

I just want to not have to worry about this anymore...have a beer or glass of wine when I want to - keep it at 2 or 3 ALWAYS - only drink 1 - 2 days a week and not worry about it anymore.