Well . . . .

I had one beer last night.  We went out with a bunch of friends for dinner and everyone was drinking.  I thought about it and decided to have one.  It really wasn't very good.  I didn't even finish it.  The waiter accidently brought one extra on his trip back with round two for everyone else.  I said I would take it.  I don't know why.  I guess I am just so used to be being glad that everyone else was having two so that I could.  Habits . . . Well, I only drank a third of that one.  It tasted better than the first, but for some reason I just didn't want any more.  In the past, I would have drank both of them and then talked everyone in to continuing the party back at home with some wine.

I am not happy with myself that I had one beer, but I am also not all that angry at myself either.  I really liked the fact that I could stop at the one and really didn't even want any more.  I don't know what will happen next.  I still really want to live a predominately sober lifestyle.  I don't want to drink during the week, alone, or during the day.  I am tired of it consuming my every thought.  I want to be able to have a glass of wine or a beer on a special occasion with friends.  That is what I did last night.  And now I won't drink again until another special occasion - and that does not count just being a Friday or Saturday night.

I am also starting to notice that I think I was one of the major contributors to why the women in the neighborhood drank so much.  Now that I have calmed down and reduced my drinking, I think everyone else has as well, at least in public.  I know many of them are still drinking (probably over drinking) every evening.  It is interesting what you actually notice when you are sober.  When I was the party girl on the weekends, everything would just go by in a hyper blur.  I wonder how many people thought I was a total idiot.  I just thought I was the fun girl everyone wanted to be around.  Maybe they were either laughing at me of looked at me to make themselves feel better about their own drinking.  I will not be that person anymore. I want to be one of the calm women, looking at the crazy, drinking women, thinking - I used to be like that.  That really got old after awhile.  I want to be one of the women having genuine conversations with others - really forming lasting relationships.  Not hiding the next day because I may not remember everything they said to me when we were talking.  Not just flittering around like a hyper social butterfly, only staying with one conversation until I lost interest in it.

I post on mmabsers and am afraid to post - I am afraid I let all of them down.

Sooooooo tired!

I have figured out one of m triggers is being tired.  I3 days into absing, I come home from work today, am exhausted, and had an overwhelming desire for a beer.  I just wanted to sit down and relax.  My wild child voice was saying, "You have worked hard this week - you deserve it.  You have been doing great with absing, you deserve it.  You will be Ok - just have one - you deserve it."  I didn't.  What scares me is that I have not totally dismissed the thoughts.  Just keeping it real.

Tuesday, August 24, 2011

Good bye, my wild child. I will not longer allow you to keep beating me down so that I continue to feed you. You never allow me to feel good enough for long enough to say goodbye. As soon as I start feeling better, you get worried and start whispering in my ear. While I am taking care of you, I can do nothing else very well I sacrifice everything for you-my confidence, self esteem, self worth, happiness. You are like a toddler, thinking you are the boss. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

Interesting Observations

Last night we (dh, ds (sister) and myself) went to dinner.
Before  - they would have had one drink / I would have had 2.
Now - they had one drink / I had 0 (not even a taste lol).

We watched a movie at her house.
Before - they would have had maybe one more / I would have had 3 - the rest of the bottle of wine.
Now - they had 0 / I had 0 - and not bc they were trying to support me - just bc they didn't want to.

We went home and went to bed.
Before - dh and ds went to bed and slept well / I slept crappy bc I went over my limit.
Now - we all went to bed and I, anyway, slept amazing!

Woke up this morning
Before - dh and ds feel fine / I feel like crap, guilty, depressed, anxious, pissed off
Now - We all wake up feeling fantastic - ready to tackle the to do list

Lesson learned
Before - I am really the only one over drinking and it would not have enhanced watching the movie or dinner in any way.
Now - I am not letting alcohol be part of all of my weekend activities. I feel really good, empowered.

Kind of a relief

It is Sautrday and I feel really good.  I got a lot done today - felt great!  It is really kind of a freeing feeling to not be planning who I am going to drink, when I am going to start, whose house it will be at, how many over what period of time, when I am going to stop etc.  For the first time in a long time I am not a raving b*tch because I can't drink.

That little voice ....

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to the sound of that one little bird.   Chirp .... chirp ..... chirp ...... Instead of saying, "Will that stupid thing just just up!  i need just a little more sleep."  I said, "Wow, it is 6:30 on a Saturday and I don't feel hungover, depressed, mad, anxious, embarrassed.  i am going to be one of those people who get up, open the windows and enjoy the weekend morning!"  BTW - I love birds - just not with a HO!

That being said,  last night was not super easy.  Things were kind of working in my favor.  I did avoid the after school FAC.  I don't think many people went, which helped. Everyone wasn't bugging me about going.  It was not a beautiful, sit on the porch, chill kind of Friday afternoon.  it was kind on rainy and gloomy - thank you God :) .  My drinking friend didn't call - I told her I was laying low this weekend. But ... my dh had a couple of friends over and we watched a movie.  They brought this really good home brew.  I am kind of a beer snob and this stuff is good.  I did have one drink to taste it.  He asked me if I wanted to, and I didn't want to bring attention to the fact that I wasn't drinking.  First off, the smell was repulsive - just the smell of everyone drinking beer around me.  I had a taste - amazing!  then something happened...I wanted another taste...so I had one (just a drink out of dh husbands glass). I contemplated having one glass of beer.  And then my mind went to the next night and having just one glass of wine....what could it hurt? Interesting how I could be so determined the whole week and then just one little whisper from that voice and i second guess all of my sobriety goals.   I did not give in to that "little voice" (thank goodness), but I did pay attention to it. 


I am learning that I can't just push the thoughts out of my head and dismiss/ignore them.  I need to deal with them and make conscious decisions about what I choose to do.  Funny how it tries to sneak back in and get you to drink.  I am trying to come up with a clever little name for this voice that is almost child like .... I want what I want and I want it now ..... and I don't care what you (the rational voice in my head) thinks!

The Infinite Intelligence that is the source and substance of this universe is everywhere present, and it is present within me. There's something in me that always knows what to do and how to accomplish it in the most graceful and effective way, and that something is right now activated; it informs me of the right decisions to make, even when I feel confused or unclear. The infinite presence of Spirit is always ready to offer insight and understanding, ready to provide powerful opportunities to broaden my experience of understanding the universe in which I live. Spirit is never confused, it is never unclear, it is never unsure. In me, this Spirit now takes shape as confident, clear decision making, thoughtful and responsive choosing, and a joyous understanding that every choice, no matter what it looks like, leads me closer to the experience of my own divine nature. I give thanks for this ability to open my mind and my intellect and my heart...all that I am!...to the clear, intuitive, spiritual genius within. I do so now, and am profoundly grateful for the wonderful choices and decisions that come from this inner activity. And so it is. I am now receiving a "morning blessing" from a webite I subscribed to.   The above passage came from there.  I think it really speaks to me.   I have always known what I needed to do to find peace in my life.  I  have always known, I just have not acted.  My actions have not been  in sinc with what I have known is right for me.  That alone has caused  a great deal of turmoil, angst, anger inside my own self.  This weekend  I will live according to my inner belief about what is right.  For the first  time in a long time I will do it because I WANT to - not because I am  forcing myself to.

No FAC this August!

The teachers at my school are having a party Friday after school to kick off the year.  I am not going - too new at the absing.  Plus - that is not the way I want to kick off my year.  Not this year.  Many will go, have 1 or 2 beers and go home.  Most of them are younger than me (42).  Not me, I wouldn't get home until almost bedtime .... my husband would not be too happy, my kids never said anything .... but I am sure they noticed ..... but I was one of the "fun" teachers.  Everyone always made sure I knew were the FAC's were going to be ..... I used to think that was a good thing .....  maybe in my 20's/30's  ......  it is now time for me to grow up .... and act like an adult ....  I also notice it when we go to dinner, I always couldn't wait for the drink order to come back and would have at least one more.  Have you ever noticed how many people in the restaurant are actually drinking tea or soda on a SATURDAY night!!!!  I guess I just assumed everybody partied on the weekends.  Who knew?


I went to the mall with my 16 yo dd after work today.  It was really nice spending time with her.  She gives me less and less time.  Before, that would not have been what I would have chosen to do with my evening.  It feels good to feel proud of myself because of the decisions I am making.

Good Morning!

Good Morning!  Off to work today.  Sad to see summer vacation coming to an end, but I also seem to have a new outlook on life this morning.  Many timed in the past I have gone on that first day with a HO and been miserable - no kids, just teachers.  Starting today I am going to act according to my belief system.  I will not be a contradiction to myself.  I am a happy, secure, caring, upbeat, positive, motivated, supportive person.  This is who I used to be.  That person has been buried under a sea of alcohol for quite sometime.  No longer will I be the unhappy, insecure, sarcastic, semi-negative, exhausted, un-motivated, jealous person.  That is not me.  It never has been.  Alcohol created that version of me to hide the self-hatred and disappointment I felt in myself.  I am now back to being my authentic, true self.

I think the heart palpitations, anxiety, shakiness ended last night - night 4 - just on schedule.  Still, I did not get any sleep - night sweats were terrible.  I hope those are over tonight.  Even with very little sleep - 3 hours or so -  I feel better than if I would have drank and gotten 7 hours because I am happy on the inside!  Believe it or not - I am excited to not drink this weekend.  I think what I am the most excited about is finally, for the first time in a very long time, keeping a commitment that I have made to myself.  I am determined to keep this feeling going!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I am gearing up to take on the insidious mental battle I have coming up, like this weekend.  The only time in the past 25 years I have absed more than, say 7 days, was my two pregnancies, my two surgeries, and when I quit smoking 15 years ago.  I know that the physical withdrawal symptoms suck, but that it is also the easy part!  In a couple days, like Friday, when I well better, my mind will tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing, just my latest thing to obsess over, this is ridiculous, I will just be very vigilant about moderating, I am not going to go my whole life without drinking so why put myself through this torture ... I will just be more careful, one more hangover and I will be done for good - those are the deals I will make with myself.  I am going to come back and read this post -

Dear Me,

Those are the things that you have told yourself for the last 15 years.  Where have they gotten you?  Right back to where you are right this very moment - back on the hamster wheel - back to an hangover, eventually, - back to withdrawals, depression, anxiety, self-hatred - DO NOT KID YOURSELF - you will end up right back where you started - disgusted with yourself.  How about trying something different just today, just this weekend - loving yourself, respecting yourself, keeping your commitments to yourself - let's just see how that feels for once.  Let's just see how it feels not not have every aspect of your weekend evenings wrapped around something that only makes you feel like a failure.

Love,

Me

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

This sucks!  I can't get any sleep - night sweats, heart doing summersaults in my chest, rapid heart rate, overwhelming anxious feelings that come and go, feel like my head gets a sudden amount of pressure like is is going to blow up, headaches!!!!!!  When will it stop?  I have not drank for 3 days.  I need some rest!  I didn't even drink that much, for pete's sake - 2,3,4 times a week/2,3,4 drinks usually/5,6,7 drinks 3-4 times a month - and only beer and wine!  


For many years I have not thought that I am alcohol dependent.  I am now starting to see that every time I do a 3,4,5 day abs I feel like sh*t.  I can't sleep, anxious, restless, irritated, heart racing, insides shaking, hot flashes/night sweats, etc.  I have come to realize after about 10 years of symptoms (20 years of drinking) - that I do not have the flu, anxiety, stress, irritation kids/husband/family members, menopause, depression, etc.  Since the only thing that makes me get relief from these symptoms - after 2,3,4,5 days is alcohol - I am ALCOHOL DEPENDENT!  I am may not be a raging alcoholic, but I am most definitely alcohol dependent.  My 2,3,4,5 glasses of wine 2,3,4,5 times a week have changed (IMHO) my body chemistry.  That scares me because, from what I understand, this can be a problem that gets progressively worse for someone like me that has "the addictive gene".  

Monday, August 15, 2011

So, today is the third day and I still physically feel horrible.  Can't sleep at night...heart racing...like a shaking feeling inside...anxious....restless...tired....bored....hot flashes.  I now understand, thanks in part to Tucker, that these are withdrawals from alcohol.  I never understood that before.  I just thought that the hangover lasted one, maybe two, days.  If I felt bad after that there was some other reason...stressed about something...everyone else was causing my grumpiness....I was catching something like the flu...some external reason.  I know am also beginning to understand that by next Friday, my body will be telling me that I am fine, don't have a problem, what is the beg deal....still part of the withdrawal.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Today I am thinking about how to go about this abstaining period different.
1.  I am not going to count the days (at least not in my blog).  It makes it feel too much like a count down.
2.  I am not going to say that 30 days is the end.  I am going to get to the 30 and see how it feels - take it from there. In the past it has just been a white knuckled count down to the end - how many more days - how many more weekends.
3.  I am going to try to focus on the positives - what is feels like to be sober in this moment - EVERY day.  Not to wake up with a HO.  Enjoy the moment for what it is.  In the past it has been more about - dang I wish this 30 was over.

Monday, August 15, 2011

On the mmabsers list a very wise, IMHO, person named Mike posted the following to me:


daily drinking or not it matters little.
it is not how much one drinks or necessarily how one drinks,
but rather what it does to one inside.  this is more the barometer
of a drinking problem.  we are all different yet if we have gotten
to a point where alcohol represents a struggle, it is likely beyond
moderation.  that is why we are here living the much more "awesome"
life, freeing ourselves.  even parties can start to be more manageable
w/out booze.  in fact everything will become more manageable especially
one's insides.  simply abstaining and learning to live life sober can begin
a huge process of change in perspective in many areas of one's thinking
and feeling life.  it is a wonderful thing.  i hope you stick around for awhile
and listen, participate as much as you care to.   there is a lot of experience
and support and understanding here.

All the best.  With wishes for love, peace and happiness always,

mike


This post really made me think.  I have spent so much time telling myself that I am not as bad as those "other people" because of when, how much, how often or what I did or did not drink.  "Mike" is absolutely right ... it isn't about any of that .... it is about how I feel on the inside ...  and I have been feeling pretty darn crappy for a long time.

Saturday, August 13, 2011 - still ..... l lot of thinking today/joined mm

I have now joined a list called mmabsers.  It is part of the mm group - but people focussing on absing as opposed to moderating.  This is a response posted to that group after an unbelievable show of support.  

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  The response and support I already feel from this group is amazing.  I don't ever want to down the mm list - they have gotten me this far over the past year and are an amazing group of people.  However, I feel something different here - a sense of peace, contentment, happiness - the mm list has more of a sense of struggle, conflict (with oneself), ups and downs, highs and lows FOR ME. Maybe this is just where I feel more comfortable right now.  I am tired of the struggle, the obsession, the mental, physical, emotional time that I spend on this one area of my life that seems to effect all other areas.

I think it was Mike (the support he has shown has been invaluable) that said - it doesn't matter how much you drink, when you drink, what you drink - it matters what it makes you feel like on the inside.  That struck home - thank you!  For so long I have been trying to categorize, qualify, rationalize - I don't drink every day, I don't drink until the evening, and I only drink beer and wine - therefore - what is the problem?  The problem is - I never, ever feel good on the inside - no matter when, how often or how much.  Last night I only had 2 beeers - no big deal - waited until after 8, only drank beer and only had two.  No big deal right?  Wrong!  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling extremely upset at myself, heart beating, sweating, anxious - it was not the alcohol itself - it was how I felt on the inside about breaking yet another promise to myself.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Ok so two big steps today. One I shared with my DH all of my struggles over the last year at mm (really over the last 25 years). He doesn't think I have a prob but supports the fact that I think I have one. That's a little scary since I don't want him to judge me or think badly of me. 

Two. Ironically. After I got done crying my eyes out to him. Our dear friends texted us about going to one of our favorite places to sit in the sun for a beer. Normally - no question. For about 30 minutes - struggled with the choice - I could just start Monday with my 30. Cried in the shower while I was arguing with myself. Declined the invitation. I am sure it would have gotten me out of this emotional funk but I am also sure it wouldn't have made me feel any better tomorrow. One of my fav quotes is "what we are tomorrow is based on the choices we make today". Me - 1. Alcohol - 0.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

So how can I type all of that yesterday morning and then have three beers that night?  How can I go to being so resolved 10 hours later and drinking that night.  I only had three beers, pretty darn good for a Friday night - SHUT UP!   BLAH ....BLAH ....BLAH .....  Maybe heroin addicts tell themselves that they only shot up twice today ..... progress ..... right?  It is just the bullshit voice of the addiction yacking in my ears.  SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!!!!!

Last night I was barely even buzzed and my16yo dd said, "Mom I love you to death, and I know that you aren't drunk (don't you dare tell me I am drunk when I am not - she knows i am ultra sensitive about that), but you just act weird when you drink."  WHAT? If I had been a little more buzzed I would have gotten my feeling hurt, gotten upset.  I didn't - I went to bed.

8/12/11 (Fri) Feeling Lost

The only word I can use to describe myself today is lost.  I just don't know what I want.  Do I abstain forever (that sounds awesome, peaceful, calm, my true self ..... but scary, sad, boring, risk of failing)?  Do I moderate (that sounds awesome, balanced, included, social, fun  ......  but maybe unachievable, risk of failure/hangover/self hatred/ruined relationships)?  Do I not change anything and just stop worrying about it (sounds the easiest, but I know in my heart that will not turn out good in the end)?

When I feel like this I distract myself with searching around on the internet.  I am fascinated my Audrey Kishline.  I didn't know anything about her, but just happened to come across her name while reading blogs.  She is the founder of mm.  She truly believed that she could moderate.  She is responsible for the deaths of a father and daughter in a drunk driving accident.  From what I read, she wasn't a skid row drunk.  She drank 2-4 glasses of wine a night and binged on the weekends.  She never drove drunk .... until that night.  I could really relate to her and her story.

There were 2 comments in the article that really made me think.  One was that she said her biggest flaw was "self-deception".  The other was that in a way she had come up with the idea of mmm just to rationalize, give her an excuse to drink.  The whole - I can control it ....  I am not one of "those" people thinking.

In my mind, she wasn't a fake - just in the world of denial of an addict.

I think I may also be in that place .....

This is her story:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14627442/ns/dateline_nbc/t/road-recovery/#.TkU_7c0Ym1w

8/11/11 (Thurs) HANGOVER! Hamster Wheel

HO!!!!  Wasted day!!!!!  WHEN WILL I GET OFF OF THIS HAMSTER WHEEL??????  I don't even want to talk about it .... just the same old bullshit!!!!!

8/10/11 (Wed) 2 HANGOVERS! Shut Up!!

AM - I haven't posted in a while.  Why?  I am fine.  I don't have a problem.  Just obsessing too much.  Went on vacation, drank every day, only had one HO, didn't fight with any of my family, progress - right? ......  Let's start calling it what it is - denial, rationalization, addiction,  an unhappy life controlled by a drug that has ruined may people in my family and will soon ruin me if I don't open my eyes!

PM - Not good.  I was making dinner, talking to a friend on the phone, bored, asked her to come over.  Three bottles of wine later (1:00 in the morning) I finally fell into bed.  I remember hearing a little voice in my head say, "School is almost ready to start .....  it is OK ..... one last party before the summer is over ..."

That is exactly the little voice, that is more like a roar, that I am SICK OF LISTENING TO!!!  It is always some reason, some excuse, some event.   SHUT UP!!!!!