Drank but learning experience 10/29/17

Dang it! I did drink wine last night.  Why?  I'm not sure. I know that I had been struggling with anxiety all week but had gotten through the week without any cravings.  Yesterday (and really all week) I just felt like I was dragging myself through the day - through my life.  I felt down, depressed, tired, just crappy.  I had the thought yesterday, "This is how I was feeling while I was sober but still drinking - just down, depressed, tired, no joy.....if I 'm going to feel this way and not drink, then I might as well feel this way and drink bc at least I can look forward to the drinking and have fun while drinking."  That thought (and how down I was feeling) was really all it took. I just decided I was going to have some wine with my sister on the back patio of her new house.  And I did. I even announced to my husband and and son (who had been so proud of me for not drinking), "I'm going to have some wine.  Don't worry. It will be fine. It's my life and I can do what I want." Then we went to dinner at a nice restaurant and I had two more glasses. Then we went back to her house and I had one more glass.  I was in bed by 10:00 but slept terrible, was awake at 4:00 with a headache and stomach ache and now I am hungover. 

What did I learn?

I don't really like myself when I drink.
I already knew this but it was just reaffirmed from a more objective place.  I noticed at dinner that I was a little loud but didn't care and wasn't paying close attention to individual conversations.  My cousin was trying to have a real conversation with me. I was really trying to focus but I couldn't.  My brain was like having ADHD or something.  It kept trying to focus on the louder voices at the table.  I felt like I was sitting there with a stupid look on my face and he could tell that I wasn't 100% present in the conversation.  He wasn't drinking so I felt like I really had to try hard to focus but just couldn't. It is the weirdest feeling to be sitting there participating with the group but at the same time not really fully present bc your brain is under the influence of a drug.  It wasn't that bad and I didn't wake up with a feeling of embarrassment, but I also didn't feel great about the whole night. I can't fully remember the conversation. Not because I blacked out but because I lost the ability to be fully present and focus on what was being said. It feels like a tornado is going on in my head when I drink.  I can't figure out what I like about that. Maybe it  also distracts me from felling sad, depressed, anxious and tired.  It does give me energy, which I like, but don't like how that energy gets displayed by being loud, impatient and probably a little annoying.

I can't control my intake. 
I also already knew this, but was reaffirmed. Last night there was not one thought of - maybe you shouldn't have that 2 or 3 or 4 glass of wine. Not even a thought. There also wasn't a thought of - well if you are going to drink, you might as well drink. I just didn't think about it at all and jumped right back in where I left off - drinking however much I wanted. It's almost like it just came naturally to me. It was familiar. You would think that if I wanted to start drinking again, I would be super careful and not drink too much. Nope!  It was weird, but I have to be honest - once I have the drug in my system, I really lose the ability to even have a rational thought about how much I am drinking - even to the point of not even considering that I might have a hangover if I keep drinking. I hate hangovers but it doesn't even register after the first drink. I don't think. I just drink.

So, what does this mean?  This means that I am back to sobriety.  I am not going to start over with my counting.  I have still been sober for 130 days (minus 1), I just had a little hiccup. Starting over at day 1 feels like failure and I am not going to beat myself up.  In the past, beating myself up about it only leads to more drinking which starts the whole cycle over again of drinking to feel better while it is actually making me feel like shit about myself.  I made the decision to drink. I now have the consequences. I just have to look at what I can learn from it and move on.

I learned that I like being sober better. I would rather be fully present and in complete control of my behavior (even if it means being little bored) than loud and not able to focus on anything.

I learned (reaffirmed) that I am unable to have a rational thought about how much I drink once I start.

I learned that I have to try to figure out how to deal with feeling sad, depressed, tired and anxious without alcohol.  I think I used to self medicate these feelings away by drinking.  It caught me off guard that I was feeling this way again after 4 months sober and I just couldn't shake it. After five days of feeling that way, I was just down in the dumps thinking that life sucks. Drinking was a way out of those feelings. I know drinking only makes those feelings worse, so  I need to figure out another way to deal with them.

Lastly, I learned that these feeling could lead to a relapse if I let them.  I need to be hyper aware of that and do what I need to do (avoid all social activities, get a massage, do absolutely nothing, take care of myself, leave a social situation immediately before I let those feelings get the better of me) whatever it takes to not let being down, depressed, tired and anxious lead me to drinking again.  Next time I feel this way for a few days and thoughts of drinking enter my brain bc I think alcohol will make me feel better (which in the moment actually does), I need remind myself that I don't like myself as a drinker and that alcohol is not going to make me happy. Next time I will recognize the feelings, see my addicted brain talking to me and just say no.  It's not worth it. I need to give myself time for the feelings to pass (hoping they actually will) so I learn that they will pass without the aid of a drug that will actually make it worse in the long run.

I will get up, dust myself off, learn from my mistakes and keep figuring out how to live my life sober!