Accomplishments this week 10/28/17

My anxiety is better than it was at the beginning of the week - thank goodness.

We had a family funeral Wednesday and I had to take off work.  A couple of cousins flew in for the funeral that we hadn't seen in years.  After the funeral two of them (one with a new girlfriend) came over to our house.  It was 1:00 in the afternoon, the sun was shining, my back patio table was cleaned off and we all sat outside to visit.  The new girlfriend is my age, super nice, friendly, talkative and a drinker.  She probably drank 10 beers from 1:00-9:00 while we were talking, went out to dinner and came back to play cards.  I'm certainly not judging -  I just wonder if she woke up the next morning wondering if she had made a fool out of herself (she did not even thought she was pretty loud and opinionated) or felt bad because she really was the only one drinking by the end of the night and she was putting them down - like another beer every 20 minutes.

I felt like I was obsessed with watching how much she was drinking and how she was acting - which wasn't that bad but it reminded me so much of me.  I kind of felt like I was looking at myself and it made me glad I wasn't drinking. Sorta jealous and sad that it would have been so much fun to party with her but even more glad I wasn't drinking because I don't like myself like that, I felt much more in control of my behavior and BIG PLUS - I didn't get up and go tot work with a hangover the next day.  If I'd have been drinking with her - my Thursday and Friday would have been miserable.

The fact that I did not drink  is actually amazing because this would have been a perfect scenario for me.  A weekday off from work, sitting in the sun with a new drinking friend (the kind of friend I always looked for - that could keep up with me and didn't want to stop drinking) and an excuse of a funeral. I actually can't believe I wasn't craving more than I was.  It wasn't too bad.  I was actually enjoying being the sober one of the group, just listening to everyone else buzzed political debating, knowing I wasn't being loud, interrupting and trying to dominate the conversation.  Also, everyone else 's hotheadedness wasn't bothering me as much.  Rather than getting really loud and trying to make everyone see everyone else's side, I just sat back and enjoyed the show. 

It is funny how some situations which should cause terrible cravings like these didn't affect me too much but something as silly as driving past a brewery can send me into a tizzy of feeling sorry for myself, second guessing my decision to be sober and case panic state craving.  It doesn't even make sense.

Second accomplishment - My sister is moving and I went over to help her unpack her kitchen Friday after work.   I get there and she has 15 bottles of wine sitting on the counter.  Again I wasn't that tempted and didn't really have any cravings but I did have some sad/melancholy thoughts about how it would have been fun/nice to have some wine with her in her new house while unpacking. I had thoughts like, "Well, I guess I won't ever sit in the sun on this back patio and have wine." As I was driving home last night, I was thinking about what would have been different if I had been drinking wine - really nothing.  The only thing that would have changed is my perception of the experience bc I would have had a buzz.  That's it.  The events wouldn't have changed. I know one thing that would have been different - I would have drank Wednesday, felt crappy Thursday and Friday, drank again on Friday, felt crappy today and would have drank again tonight at dinner leaving me feeling terrible for a good part of next week.  It would have put me right back were I was 4 months ago. Not worth it.