Sunday, July 8, 2012
My post to my support group
Well, it sure has been awhile since I posted and I think it is probably time. Thank you Kary and Lulu for checking in with me to see how I am (it really means a lot to me). For those of you that are new to the list - here is a recap of my relationship with alcohol - I have been a binge drinker for 25 years (since I was in high school). Most of those years I only drank on the weekends but always had a hard time stopping at one or two. It usually ended up bring 5 or 6 followed by a hangover, depression self loathing, promises to myself, etc, only to do the same thing the next weekend. Maybe around 4 years ago I found mm and tried to moderate for 3 years. Being part of that list did help. I did get better, but still had the over drinking/hangover at least twice a month. Improvement but still not where I wanted to be. Not only was I becoming more and more angry when I did drink, but my depression from over drinking was having a more profound effect on me. I was also worried about the example I was setting for my two teenage kids. In my 20's I was always the fun party girl. Was I know turing into the obnoxious, drunk mom at neighborhood parties? Then cp invited me to an abs chat one day on the mm list. That led me to mmabsers. I lurked and contemplated for a long time. You all seemed to be were I was and now you were so happy without it. It boggled my mind and I wondered (kind of doubted) if that could be me also.
Christmas day was spent with a hangover and a promise that I would be done fighting this battle and I would never drink again. I told everyone (kids, husband, parents, sisters). I was so sure and so exhausted. I had tried so many times in the past to do a 30 and I just couldn't do it. With the help of all the wonderful, positive people on the mmabsers list and the support from my family - I was going to be the one to make a difference. I would finally live a live free from the mental obsession I had with alcohol - which for me was even worse than the hangovers. I went 82 days! It wasn't a walk in the park and I never felt amazing. I was proud of myself and it was great to wake up every Saturday and Sunday without a hangover. It was also nice to not fight the weekday depression that came from weekend bingeing, but the mental obsession never went away. I was isolated, depressed, bored, anxious and just plain grumpy every weekend. This sucked! My addiction convinced my rational brain that life was boring without alcohol. That this really sucked and that I could try again. After 82 days sober, I made a deal with myself. I would only have a glass of wine in the sun with a friend on occasion, only have a Friday afternoon beer once in awhile. If I ever got a hangover again, I would quit for good.
That was 4 months ago and I am now back to drinking every Friday and Saturday ( usually more than 3) and spending at least one weekend day with a hangover. It happened very gradually, over days, weeks months. I don't even really think I realized. I mean, I did realize that I was slipping back into old patterns, but I just kept either looking the other way or telling myself, "You've got this...just do better next weekend."
So here I am...I know many of you are saying "I knew she would be back." You are right. I think somehow in my self conscious I also new I would be back. I just need to figure out how this time could be different. I can't be that same whiney, bored, depressed, angry, frustrated, isolated, feeling sorry for myself person I was for 82 days. I know - I just need to change my mind set, but I don't seem to be able to do that, which is not like me.
After all of that, here is my question - Is that the way all of you felt when you quit and I just need to grit my teeth, put on my fake smile and get through it, or is there something I am missing? Thanks for listening and once again welcoming me back to the fold. I can't remember if it was lulu or Kary that compared my to a lost sheep wandering away from the fold, but I think I am slowly finding my way back and there is a sense of comfort in that thought.