Monday - Spring Break 2012

This Spring Break is going to be awesome!  I am not going to be drinking this week bc I don't drink during the week.  That was my mantra for around 15 years.  Then I moved into a neighborhood where a lot of people drank every time they could get a chance.  Drinking just one or two a couple times a week when I really didn't want to but was asked, turned into hoping someone would call or be outside or have something going on so I could have an excuse (I even joined Bunco on Mondays bc I new I would have an excuse to drink), to me just fighting with myself and opening a beer while making dinner.

Not anymore.  I feel so much better when I don't drink.  I did have a total of 3 this weekend (two beers on Saturday and a glass of wine on Sunday).  I also did feel a little bit of a pull yesterday.  My dh was a neighbors "helping him with something" and having a beer.  In the past I would have gone over to "see what was going on" and would have also been offered one.  Of course, I would need to be polite, when I knew damn well that was the only reason I went over there.  I acknowledged the pull, left it alone and it went a way.  It wasn't a craving, more of a thought.

I know I am going to have thoughts like that all the time.  I am not cured, healed or even over the addiction ... I know that ....I never will be .... I am looking at have a couple on the weekend as a privilege I am giving myself.  If I can't drink responsibly, which is what I want most of all, then I can't drink at all.  So far so good.

In past Spring Breaks, I would have been drinking during the week.  I would have started the week off saying I wasn't going to, and that I was going to go to the gym and get lots done - but I would have drank 2-3 drinks probably at least 6 evenings out of the 11.  I would have felt down on myself, depressed, anxious, and pissed off - but would have also drank within a day or two again.  A lot of times it wasn't even that I drank too much it was more of just not being able to keep promises I had made to myself about not drinking during the week and getting to the gym.  Well ... this Spring Break is FINALLY going to be different.  I say that every year, but this year it is true.  I will not have anything to drink until Friday (and then no more than 2).  I will also get off this computer and get my butt to the gym.  My life does not revolve around alcohol anymore ... that is my new mantra of the day.

Happy new beginnings!

Wine and cheese bar

So yesterday, my dd and I went shopping with one of my bff and her dd to this cute outdoor shopping mall.  My friend had been trying to get me to go to this wine and cheese bar for lunch since last summer.  When I had decided I wasn't drinking any more, I was sad that I had never gone.  Well, now that I am trying to moderate again, we went.  It was awesome!  I am trying really hard to not take my ability to have a perfect glass of cold white wine on a beautiful spring day with a plate of cheese, fruits and crackers for granted.  We sat on the patio and I really tried to not let the moment pass me by.  Really savor and enjoy that glass and the fact that I could do it.  I am taking this responsibility very seriously.  I had that one glass of wine around 4:00 in the afternoon and then nothing the rest of the night.  That is progress and I am very proud of myself.   I am trying to really savor and enjoy the couple of drinks I allow myself and also really enjoy being sober and not hungover the rest of the time.

Day 9 of My Own Plan

I am going to call this "My Own Plan" and I am going to count the days as I go just like I did the 85 days of abs that I did.  In order to count a day

1. No drinking on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday (only exception the two vacations we have this summer - and then never over 3 on any given day)

2. No drinking on most Sundays (if there is a special occasion, only 1)

3. Friday and Saturday - 1 or 2  (This one is going to be tough bc I am going to say never 3)

4. No wine unless it is with a meal, never just sitting around or watching a movie

5. Get to the gym to workout 4 days

6.  Get to Yoga twice

7.  Get 7 hours of sleep a night

8.  Cut out sugar and junk food

9. Drink 96 ounces of water a day

10. Reread and follow the "Four Agreements"

I am going to start counting from last Saturday even though I really only followed #1 - #4 this week bc this really is about controlling my drinking.  I just know that #5 - #10 will help me keep my goals.

BTW

Oh yea, and BTW - I hadn't had anything since my one last weekend.

My first Friday off of my "break"

I would say it went very well.  I am a teacher and yesterday was the last day of school before spring break.  I know how bad this sounds, but I was actually really excited about something again.  It wasn't that I wanted to come home and get trashed - that is the last thing I want to do.  But to be able to come home on a Friday, sit in the sun with my friends and have a beer to celebrate the beginning of spring break just made me happy.  If I wasn't drinking, I would have felt really bummed out and depressed that I couldn't.

So I had one nice pale ale in the sun with my friends AFTER I walked the dogs, ate a sandwich, watched something on TV with my son, and drank lots of water.  I allowed myself a couple of hours after I got home to settle myself, calm down, take care of myself and just get a little more balanced before having that beer.  In the past it would have taken priority over everything else.  I would have opened that first beer within 10 minutes of being home.  My friend didn't really even want to walk fist, but I did so she joined me.

I enjoyed that beer, took it slowly, poured all of us a club soda to go with it and enjoyed the sunshine.  We decided to go to dinner and had to wait around forever for the guys.  In the past, I would have downed another one or two while waiting.  I drank another glass of water and we decided to meet them there.  At the restaurant I only had one beer.  I have spent plenty of dinners with friends at that restaurant drinking way too much and worrying that I might see a family from school.  Not last night.  And I did see families from school.

After dinner we came home and the girls and kids decided to watch a movie in the "dreaded wine basement" of my friends house.  I have been so wasted in the privacy of her basement drinking endless bottles of wine with her in the past.  Many of you may remember this is the friend's basement that I had a panic attack about and had to go home when I wasn't drinking a couple of months ago.  She said, "What do you guys want? a beer? wine? ice cream? seltzer? gum?  My mind started to go to the place of "I'm kind of full, so not another beer......wine would be good right now."  I told myself NO and reminded myself that I was a responsible drinker.  I knew if that wine got opened it would not have been a good thing.  I had a little bit of ice cream, we all had a seltzer water and I ended my night in bed at a respectable hour having only had 2 beers.  I think that's pretty good.

For those of you following my bog, please don't criticize my drinking.  This is my choice for right now....but I am very open to opinions based on your own experience.  If you have gone through this before and you see me starting to slip, please feel free to say so.  I really listen to what others have to say and think about it as long as it is in a positive constructive tone.  Thanks for sharing my journey!

My thoughts today...

I have learned that I can not take my relationship with alcohol for granted.  I can't just ignore it, stop working on it, pretend that I don't struggle with it.  I am NOT like other people.  I do have issues and I do need to be careful.  I am not just making a big deal out of something...it is a big deal.  I do need to count, delay, slow down, drink water and all that stuff that comes with paying attention.  I learned there that if I don't do those things, if I pretend I don't have a problem, it becomes a very big problem.

I was never a daily drinker, and if I can keep my BAC down on Friday and Saturday nights, I will be fine.  I will not take that for granted.  

My journey is my journey and I need to do this to see if I can.  I know it seems kinda stupid and if I fail (get a hangover) I will quit for good.  I would rather be miserable in perm abs than miserable drinking.  I know that now.  As much as I struggled in perm abs, it was nothing compared to being miserable with a hangover.

I am writing this blog mostly for myself. It is a place for me to record my journey.  I have maybe learned something in these 85 days of abs and maybe I can have a beer in the sun once in a while and not have it be such a big deal - I hope so with all of my heart.  If I can't, then I can't and I will quit forever.  I have never quit for an extended period of time and tried again coming from a positive, thoughtful place.  I need to try this.  I know some of you shake your heads and think I am being so stupid.  Maybe I am, but this is my journey.  

For those of you that still want to follow, I will keep you posted.  So far I have only had one beer in 88 days.

3/18/12 (Sun) Well... Drank

I did have one beer yesterday. I thought long and hard about it.  It was not in response to an intense craving.  It was in response to a craving that I want to be able to have a beer once in a while and not have it be a big deal.  I had one and was done.  I had one beer and it was not a big deal at all - good or bad.  It wasn't this, "Yes, this is awesome.  I missed it!"  It also wasn't, "O crap!  What have I done!"  It just wasn't a big deal.  It was nice to sit there and enjoy my neighbors' and husband's company without freaking out.  I did ask myself, "Why can't I just do this with a pop?"  I really tried to pay attention to what it actually does for me.  It does relax me but at the same time made me tired.  I didn't really like that.  Went out to dinner after.  Dh had a Guinness with his Irish food.  I had a diet pepsi.  It just sounded better.  I was trying to be good or denying myself.  I just didn't want another one.  My neighbor came over after that to watch a movie.  I wasn't sure if I would have another one or not.  She brought over seltzer water so I just had that with her and had absolutely no cravings to have another.  My dh was drinking a really nice homemade stout for the neighbor next door.  It was nice to just take a sip of it to see if I liked it without having these intense guilt feelings.  All in all so far so good...

BTW - I am also working on keeping negative responses from having an effect on me.  I have spent my whole life trying to justify myself to others.  I have to figure this out on my own.  People can have their opinions (they might think I am negative or feel sorry for my family) but I can't let that affect me.  I am an extremely positive person, always see the bright side and am an excellent mother!  Not always the best wife but I am working on that.  Those kinds of remarks tend to be very cutting to me and really hurt my heart - even if I don't know who said them bc I am pretty sensitive.  I beat myself up enough without someone else chiming in. I am really trying to work on that, but....if you can't say something in a constructive, sensitive way, please don't leave a comment.  It isn't very helpful to me.  It makes me feel like shit and that does not help.  I do want people to give me there opinion (even if they disagree), but please don't be mean.

Thank you Mrs. D - I loved your response.  Honest, real but not hurtful.