I was thinking last night, while in bed trying to go to sleep for two hours, about why I don't post when I am drinking. I haven't drank that much. It isn't like I am holed up in my house getting wasted all day, isolating myself from the world. Last weekend I drank four light beers. That's it. Nothing major. Nothing on Friday. Nothing on Sunday. Nothing since. Was tired Sunday, but not a huge hangover. I had a great time at a brewery with my sister and some friends. Most people, myself included a few years ago, would be proud at the successful moderation. When I first started this blog I would have been proud and posting about how well I did - only one weekend night, only four, only light beer, no wine. Why do I not want to blog about how well I did?
I think I know why....because deep down, I know that it is not the right thing for me. I am not proud of myself for moderating, I am disappointed that I drink. Not a "beat yourself up" kind of disappointed - that only happens when I have a hangover. More of a subtle, under the service, hard to identify, kind of disappointed. The kind of feeling that just makes you feel blah all the time. I suppose the fact that I can't sleep is also not helping. I really do know that I feel better physically, emotionally and mentally when I don't drink anything. I have known for a long time that my body doesn't process alcohol very well anymore. I have a gene mutation called MTHFR and is messes up the histamine levels in my body. I cannot process folic acid at all. Alcohol causes a histamine response which could be why it affects me so negatively. Maybe I really am allergic to alcohol...lol.
Regardless of why I know that I only feel "super proud of myself" and need to post about it when I am not drinking at all. When successfully moderating I still have, as Melissa who replied to my previous post so perfectly phrased it "The f-ing, omnipresent internal dialogue ". The only time the voice in my head that obsesses about alcohol shuts up is when I am not feeding it anything when I am starving it from alcohol. The days of being proud of moderating are passed because I know my own truth - that I will only find true peace when I have been sober for at least a year.
I AM NOT in denial about the fact that I am alcohol dependent and that I should not drink. What I am struggling with is the doubt that I can ever find, as Melissa also puts it, "overwhelming peace" in sobriety. I know you all say it and feel it, but for some reason, I just don't see it as ever happening for me. I just can't "see" myself ever truly being happy that I don't drink. That is what I fight. The whole thing sucks!
“Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” --Abe Lincoln (maybe...there's some debate about the attribution-LOL)
ReplyDeleteIf you want to live a happy, sober life, you can. Or you can be a miserable non-drinker, or you can keep drinking. It's up to you.
Those of us who have happy sober lives have them because we wanted to be happy and sober, so we did whatever we needed to do to make that happen.
It's your choice. You don't ever have to drink again if you're willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that outcome. You can be happily sober if you're willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that outcome. It will almost certainly require changes in your life, some of which might be hard or scary or unpleasant at first, but so what? Lots of things in life are hard, scary and unpleasant.
In the end, the question is not about needing to get sober, it's about wanting to get sober; and by wanting I mean honest, real wanting...as in "I will do whatever it takes, even if it's something I don't want to do, or I don't think will help, or, or, or..." When (or if) you get there, you'll make it happen.
You might not be able to "see" yourself as happy and sober, but so what? Nobody can "see" someplace they've never been. But, the thing is a happy sober life is not something that happens to you, it's something you create.
Some people think being happy requires a lot of money or a particular family situation or job or or achieving a goal. You think being happy requires periodically pouring poison in your body.
But, Ksus, you know as well as I do that happiness is an inside job.
xoxo
Lulu
Thank you for reminding me that it is not only the physical act of not drinking, but the mental shift of being grateful and relieved to not be drinking anymore. I need to read This Naked Mind again. She does a great job of helping me see this.
DeleteI need to give
"You might not be able to "see" yourself as happy and sober, but so what? Nobody can "see" someplace they've never been. But, the thing is a happy sober life is not something that happens to you, it's something you create."
some more thought. It really is so true.
You can know if you can find peace until you actually do it.
ReplyDeleteI have yet to find a sober blogger who, after months or years of sobriety, says they wish they still drank. Or that they have less peace of mind sober than they do drinking.
Pride is a hard thing. We do have to let go of our pride to admit we have a problem. To admit our drinking is creating disharmony in ourselves, and most likely within our family. Our kids see so much more than we notice.
Sometimes I get the impression that you think us sober people are jealous that you are still drinking....please know that this is not true. We know the distress and pain of living in active alcoholism (or addiction, whatever label you choose). And, even more, we know the freedom of living without relying on a drug to cope with life.
There’s too much opportunity to bide it away.
I wish the best for you and wholeheartedly cheer you on. But you have to run the race. I’m only giving pointers from my own marathon.
Hugs
Anne
I don't for one second think you are jealous of my drinking
DeleteHi skusier. It made me so happy to see your response to my message this morning. I am glad that it resonated with you. I'm also glad to see you posting again.
ReplyDeleteWhile I think that it might be better for you, as it was for me, to focus on the positives associated with sobriety, in the short run, it might be helpful if you print out the paragraph at the end of my comments and keep it around you to read all the time, particularly when you're considering drinking.
I was so worn down and exhausted by the generally bad feelings that alcohol was causing me that I still find sobriety to be a kind of high. My brain is clear! I want to do things! I laugh. I carry on conversations without fear that I sound stupid. I have time to do things in the evening. I am ALIVE. I so wish this for you.
So you're three days AF today. You're well on your way towards keeping it going. Every single day adds up and frees you more. You can do this.
Melissa
You wrote:
I think I know why....because deep down, I know that it is not the right thing for me. I am not proud of myself for moderating, I am disappointed that I drink. Not a "beat yourself up" kind of disappointed - that only happens when I have a hangover. More of a subtle, under the service, hard to identify, kind of disappointed. The kind of feeling that just makes you feel blah all the time. I suppose the fact that I can't sleep is also not helping. I really do know that I feel better physically, emotionally and mentally when I don't drink anything. I have known for a long time that my body doesn't process alcohol very well anymore.
You are so right - focus on the positives of not drinking. They really do outweigh the positives of drinking.
DeleteAll I know is, I really am way more happy sober than when I was drinking.
ReplyDeleteI have so much more peace of mind.
I worked hard to get this way, reading, writing, and being grateful.
Now, I look around me and see good things. My anxiety and depression have lightens. My body doesn't hurt.. (except I am old..), and I am a nicer person to all I meet!
My marriage is happier!
This has been my path, and I see so many other people on this same path!
xo
Wendy
I know you are right, Wendy. Thanks for constantly reminding me.
DeleteI hope that you're feeling good, strong and well-supported today!
ReplyDeleteMelissa
Thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful and happy weekend!
ReplyDeleteMelissa