Thursday 12/21 drank 3 (hiding, in the garage, sneaking)
Friday 12/22 drank 3 (hiding, in the garage, sneaking)
Sat 12/23 neighborhood party - drank a bottle of wine (had a great time - not too bad of a hangover)
Sunday 12/24 drank a whole bottle of white wine (sneaking, guzzling in my mom's kitchen), a beer and then two glasses of red wine. I was clearly drunk while we were driving home (I wasn't driving)
Monday 12/25 - bad hangover - I was having 11 people over for a very nice dinner and literally had to drag myself through the morning telling myself I wasn't going to drink. I ended up opening that first bottle of wine when my sister got to my house at 2:00 and continued to drink until midnight at which time I was clearly intoxicated.
Tuesday 12/26 - terrible hangover - just wanted to go to bed but had to pack for a trip the mountains for my dd birthday. So difficult to get anything done and stay focused. Not excited at all. Din't drink. Told myself and my dd I wasn't going to drink while in the mountains
Wed 12/27 - went to the liquor store and bought a 6 pack of beer - drank 3 of them from 5:00-8:00 pm - don't know why - I guess I was bored and didn't want to be bored on vacation.
Thurs 12/28 - Today
I am so confused. My brain goes through these different stages and I don't know which one is better, which voice to believe and which direction I want to go.
Voice #1 - You are fine. See - you had three beers last night and don't feel bad today. Do you really want to go through rest of your life without drinking? No, you don't. That would be boring. Just do better. Enjoy life, going out with friends, having fun - just don't drink too much. Your dd is moving in a week, your ds is going back to college in a week, it is now your time to be able to go to a brewery or to a friend's house and socialize (and drink) and have fun. You won't have kids at home as an excuse nay more. Just be careful. You can do this.
Voice #2 - I am not sure you are fine. Look at all the sneaking, the guzzling, the drinking, the lost days due to hangovers, the weight gain, the mental exhaustion that comes with drinking. In fact I would argue you are getting worse. It doesn't takes months or even weeks to fall off the deep end of sneaking and guzzling and having that "I can't get enough" feeling anymore - it takes only a couple of days - look at Thanksgiving and know Christmas. You are on a slippery slope - one slip and you could end up just like your father - choosing alcohol over everything else bc you are just not willing to see how addicted you are to it and how destructive it is in your life. Maybe you should quit for a while.
Voice #3 - I am scared. I am scared I will never figure this out. Can I ever successfully moderate - be happy socializing with my friends and not feel excluded like some sober weirdo? Can I ever quit and be happy socializing without alcohol. How in the hell do you go with your friends to new brewery and not drink? Both seem impossible so I am stuck in this hellish limbo of not drinking but wanting to or drinking and not wanting to. I am scared I will never be able to do either AND be happy.
Voice #4 - Just quit for a year. You know your daughter (and son) worry so much about your physical health (heart palpitations) and your mental health (beating myself up) when you drink. You don't want her to move so far away being worried about you. You are the mother - your dd or ds shouldn't be worried about you. Give them the gift of sobriety. They are so proud of you when you don't drink and so worried about you when you do. Quit for one year. none of this bullshit one month or six months - really commit to one year. REALLY commit to it. Just see how you feel one year from now. Work on you - get in shape, do yoga, eat well, sleep, drink water. Don't use them leaving as an excuse to drink. That seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
Voice #5 - Quit forever. The thought of that seems scary and depressing but at the same time freeing and peaceful. When you have quit for months in the past and not had cravings - there is a sense of peace you feel when you have given up the mental option/battle in your head. When drinking just isn't an option - your whole brain calms down and actually make space to notice and enjoy everything else that is going on around you. Think about how proud you would be of yourself - how proud everyone else would be of you. All these sober people can't be wrong. You have to be able without putting a stupid drug in your body. There has to be peace and happiness that is attainable when not poising you mind and body.
I have no idea what voice is correct - Actually I do know which voice is the correct choice for me - I just don't know which choice I want to choose.
At first I choose this picture to show my struggle
Then I changed it to this image
Or this one
because the first image just made the decisions seem too cut and dry - too simple. It is just way more complicated than that.
Sometimes I feel like quitting would feel like this
Maybe it is simple as this
Maybe if I quit, I could leave all this "noise" behind and it would feel like this
It's hard.
ReplyDeleteAddiction controls us.
I know I wanted to be a moderate drinker so much, but the fact that I continued to drink more than was good for me, and hiding, meant, I had to stop.
It was scary at first. I struggled with figuring out how I would be fun.
But it's been three years, and I am living proof I love life sober, have more fun, and am so much happier!
xo
Wendy
Thank you for continuing to remind me that you can live a sober AND HAPPY life.
DeleteHey mate, Everyone who drinks like you do feels like this, it’s called cognitive dissonance and it sucks! Keep writing and exploring how you feel, I love reading your voice, I’m supporting whatever you choose—but I hope it’s happiness
ReplyDelete"In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values." I looked that up and it is 100% true!
DeleteI absolutely love this post - it sums up my thoughts exactly. I am writing as anonymous because I cant work out how to post my new blog I started on here, it keeps telling me its wrong? Anyway, I started the blog just yesterday as a way to communicate with others around this. Your post is exactly how I feel today and I'm so grateful for your honesty. Hang in there, you at least said you have gone months before, I haven't done that yet so I hope my blog helps me to move through some of those voices toward finding my authentic self and a way out of this mess! Similar xmas period for me as your diary. Except for first time ever many people commented on my drinking in some way or other. Like when I had an opinion about an inlaws appalling behaviour toward my home and children, I was shut down with 'oh have another drink' that devastated me. My brother called me for xmas and advised that my mum had been gossiping to the whole family about my alcohol consumption - not in a worried nice concerned way, in a mean nasty way that also devastated me and I feel alone in this now. I almost feel a renewed motivation by this though - I want to be all over this so no one can ever make me feel so ashamed again. Heres a quote for you ; There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great and no tonic so powerful as the expectation of something better tomorrow. I usually hate wishy washy motivational quotes - but hey, I need some hope right now so when I get my blog finally working - look out for me ! peacelilycheerful.
ReplyDeleteIf you are starting a new blog consider WordPress.
DeleteIt’s simple.
I’m there. Ainsobriety.wordpress.com
Hugs
Anne
I totally hear you about the whole I don't want anyone to feel ashamed or embarrassed by me and more importantly I don't want to feel ashamed of myself anymore either. Those were some hurtful words you had to hear. I'm am sorry for that. People just don't understand how much we are already struggling with our own lack of self worth - we don't need to be reminded of it. It is extremely painful - but maybe also eye opening. Maybe do use it as a reason to help you change - but do for you not for anyone else. I do like it when I am sober but also late or not responsible in living up to my commitments - no one can blame it on my drinking. There is a sense of relief in that - like I am out of hiding and my excuses are real - not just trying to cover up a hangover. Does that make sense?
DeleteI think you should seriously consider that voice 2 is right.
ReplyDeleteRead back over your blog. Ask yourself what you would say of it was your daughters blog...
I am so sorry you are struggling like this. It makes me sad to read your distress. I wish you could believe that not drinking is just so much more fun and fulfilling than a drinking life can ever be.
I will continue to try to convince you. Because the alternative is scary. Health, family, employment, freedom. They are all at risk when people drink.
Big hug. Stop today. Begin 2018 sober and doing whatever it takes to stay that way. Maybe even checking out AA. At the very least you might find hope there.
Love to you,
Anne
Thank you for continuing to try to convince me. In some ways, it is people like you that keep me wanting to try.
DeleteOoh honey, the noise is everthing in this whole world, everything in your whole system, your body, your soul, your heart, your mental state, your future self, your children telling you that it is time.
ReplyDeleteAnd it sounds like noise instead of a message because the addict within is blocking your hearing. That's how addiction works; we still might hear the truth but we do not recognise it anymore. :-( We see joy and beauty but do not really feel it anymore, or, only in an extremely sentimental way when drunk :-( Relaxation only comes through drinking and tension builds when we 'have to live' and 'can not drink'. :-/
Next stages will be where the Truth does not bother anymore and Life becomes about lying, hiding and sneaking and manipulating the day planning, work and social contacts so that getting 'enough' is the main goal. Friends who do not drink will become less attractive and friends or acquainteces who drink excessively will suddenly look really nice and 'fun', possibly 'understanding' of the fact that you 'have a right' to 'have fun' or 'need to wind down', 'take the edge off'.
According too: 'change whatever kills you first' I read 'Kicking the drink easily' by Jason Vale. This book is sooooo cool. It tells the reader exactly which of the voices speak the truth and why. Absolutely fabulous - gheghe, this might be exactly the wrong choice of words... Ok, well, it debunks all the things you and I think/thought about alcohol which makes it so much easier to make a decission. It is out there for the price of an evening of drinking cheap wine in town. ;-) I am happy I chose the book 3 years ago.
And in line with the above mentioned dislike for quotes ;-) I will add another one here myself: Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
And mine too btw which is why I'm going to bed to have a good sleep. :-)
Take care,
xx, Feeling
I had to read this post multiple times, I really liked what you said. "And it sounds like noise instead of a message because the addict within is blocking your hearing. " I know that my addicted voice distorts all of my rational thoughts around alcohol. It almost feels like multiple personalities competing for control. I feel like I have already entered the "Truth" stage.I have read "How to Quit Drinking The Easy Way" and "The Naked Mind" Vale's book was next on my list. It's just weird how I can "know" all the bullshit that goes along with this stupid drug, but I just keep doing it anyway.
DeleteGood! I hope you enjoy the book. I sat down and really read carefully, as a sort of meditation. And I would feel where his comments would affect me. I would feel anger, I would like to dismiss what he was saying and then I would try to skip something. While reading I was very aware of that and gently steared myself back to what was happening. I did not read further until I was at peace with what he said and until I had debunked all of my dismissive comments and reactions. That was a way for me to internalize the knowlegde, make sure that I knew at cell level how it worked. So it was not only 'knowledge' it was well, no other word than: internalized.
DeleteFunny that, in your next post, you wonder about loving not drinking. Every day I practice "I am happy that I quit" with myself. I use to check if I am still happy that I quit. Being happy that you quit makes everything sooooo much easier. Well, you must know it from your teaching: students who are eager to learn and enjoy a subject learn easier than those who sit around being grumpy and trying to fault everything which is happening. :-)
Also: on my blog I have a link to a free online alcohol desensitization course. Can be done anonymous but the start (not the course) is in Dutch so I made a manual and gave a translation. It is a rather boring game you play; while looking at a screen you see a photo of an alcoholic drink and a non alcoholic drink. As quickly as possible you push a button. The thought behind it, and I think it works (3 year 4 months sober) is that while checking out where and when to push the button, you unlearn your brain to look for alcohol. Already after 5 or so sessions I did not see drinks anymore. Just did not notice them. Which is EXTREMELY helpful actually. They become as neutral as gras in a park, a pen on the table, pots in a kitchen. You can find it by searching for 'desensitization' on my blog. You are welcome to ask questions if you would be in need of help.
NB: above I make a joke about 'Absolutely fabulous' which might be understood by the European readers but possibly not by the rest of the world. It actually is a TV series in which the main figures drink like crazy. So choosing 'absolutely fabulous' to describe something in the sober blogospher might be not suitable. :-D
xx, Feeling
You are right - reality is our perception...I need to be happy I quit.
DeleteOkay, I vote for 2 and that turning into 5...big surprise, because that's exactly what happened to me (well...I hope forever. 7 years so far, but hopefully forever.) And don't listen to that voice telling you that "you're not that bad." So what? ETOH is making you miserable, so what if you haven't completely destroyed your life? Do you want to wait for that to happen to quit? A smart sober friend once told me, "You don't have to ride the garbage truck all the way to the dump." My advice is jump off that truck, sister. Sober is just fine. Perfect? No...but perfect doesn't exist. Sober is better, and it sounds like you KNOW that.
ReplyDelete(And WTF is wrong with your sister? Why is she always trying to get you to drink when she knows how painful all this is for you? You're struggling enough without her constant sabotage. I have to assume she's got a drinking problem too, and you not drinking is threatening to her, otherwise, I can't help but think she's the most selfish a--hole I've ever heard of. Sorry, but her constant pushing wine at you has riled up my mama-bear instinct. Rant over. LOL)
Haha lulu - the rant about my sister made me laugh. I tend to look at things kind of naively and I really do think she just likes to drink with me and is disappointed that it may not happen anymore. I really don't think she has a drinking problem so she just can't understand how hard it is for me. She just doesn't get why I can't stop at two. Who knows...maybe is does drink more than she would like but hides that from everyone (which I did for a long time) and doesn't want to see that. IDK, but she doesn't make me mad. I do, however, need to realize that EVERY SINGLE TIME I lose my sobriety it is with her so I just need to be careful and maybe not be around her if I feel vulnerable. She doesn't force me to do it, I just like drinking with her so my resolve weakens. I will admit though that while I never blame her for breaking my sobriety, she also doesn't try to talk me out of it so....
DeleteThere is some good awareness there.
DeletePerhaps you need to limit your visits with your sister for a bit.
If you were a diabetic would your sister try to tempt you with brownies every time you came over? Imagine that happening and you justifying her actions by saying "She just can't understand why I can't control my blood sugar the way she does." For heaven's sake, you have a drinking problem--it's an illness. Maybe if you make the diabetic analogy to her she might back off a little? I agree with Anne...I'd limit my visits and if she asks why you don't come over any more tell her it's because she always drinks around you. Maybe if you help her understand that you really mean this year-off thing, she'll abide by your wishes.
DeleteI'm very happy you're taking the time away from the booze sister. I'm wishing you a joyous year! <3