Weird vacation and sister's house tonight 12/30/17 (Sat)

We are driving home from our vacation today.  It was kind of a weird vacation. We came up here to ski, but there wasn't enough snow. There is also a hot springs pool here but we also didn't do that (which I am kind of glad about considering I don't want anyone seeing me in a swimsuit right now). We wanted to snowshoe but couldn't. No one really wanted to do anything which is a really weird vacation for me.  My vacations consist of getting up somewhat early even though I never feel that great bc of a hangover, doing a million things (and making everyone else do them with me), usually drinking by lunch (my brain subtly figures out how to arrange the day to make that happen and then I just hope others wants to drink with me) and then drinking more again with dinner and after dinner.  I usually get very little sleep, run myself ragged and drink way too much every single day of vacation.

Last time we came up, I drank heavily on the drive up, had a bit of a hangover the next day so I decided it would be a good idea to go get some bloody mary mix and vodka. I NEVER do this unless on vacation. Drank all day including grape-a-ritas (which I hate) and then wine with dinner. I was so sick the next day I couldn't get out of bed. The time before that I way too drank much red wine with my ds. I had committed to taking my nephews and son skiing that I guzzled a beer in secret in the morning just trying to make myself feel better (I had heard the hair of the dog works). It didn't and I didn't even end up skiing bc I was so nauseous and dizzy all day.  Just sat on the bench for five hours trying to drink water while they skied - lying and saying I think I must be getting the flu. I'm sure I wasn't fooling anyone.

This is usually how my vacations end up.This time we really didn't do much. I asked my family if they liked it that way and they said they really enjoyed the calmer feeling of this vacation. They said vacation sometimes is about doing nothing. Getting out of your house where you have laundry, cleaning, shopping and bills to pay. Sometimes it is just about doing nothing.

I have NEVER looked at vacation like that. For me it is always an excuse to day drink and drink five days in a row. I usually go all out on the last night (bc it is the last night) and end up driving home with a terrible hangover, not getting anything unpacked or put away and just going to bed. More often than not, my vacations have also included some kind of drama - some kind of fighting or overreaction or crying or something. It isn't always my fault but I never handle any of it well when drinking.

I did drink two of the days this time (wish I wouldn't have) but didn't yesterday, feel pretty good today (a little tired) and am really glad I made the decision to quit again. I feel really good about it. I told my family....again.....and I think they are glad also. They just quietly watch my drinking progressively getting worse every time I try to moderate again. And now that I was diagnosed with heart palpitation last summer (that NEVER happen when I don't drink), they are really worried about me physically as well as mentally.  My dd said she is so glad I decided to stop again before she left. She said she would be so worried about me being so far away with me being able to drink with no one at home watching except dh who doesn't get home until 7:00 pm, isn't very observant and drinks on the weekends.

I am so glad I could give her (and myself) the gift of my sobriety for her 23 birthday. She has enough to worry about just starting her post college life without worrying about me.

I have a birthday party to attend at my ds house (the one I always break my sobriety with - not at all her fault - just like to drink with her) and New Year's Eve tomorrow to get through. I'm not too worried. I'm pretty tired so will probably be fine tonight and I have gotten through two New Year's Eves in the past few years.  I know I can do it!