This is how I feel today. First day back to school after a terrible Spring Break. I have drank 8 out of the last 12 evenings. The ONLY days I did not drink were because I had such a bad hangover I couldn't. I am utterly and completely exhausted. I didn't drink at all in January, but since then it hasn't been good. Only on the weekends except for this week, but EVERY Friday, Saturday and usually Sunday I am drinking and with a vengeance. Back to going upstairs in the hotel to "make popcorn" but also guzzle another beer (after I've already had 5) getting obviously more drunk than everyone else....back to getting another beer at the ski lodge bar and guzzling it while my kids were skiing and my sister was in the bathroom. I'm talking an IPA draft beer in 10 minutes...back to already having 2 bloody marys by 1:00 pm because it is sunny and we are skiing...back to only sleeping 4 hours EVERY SINGLE time I drink - I wake up heart pounding, sweating, feeling like a "f"ing idiot...back to no energy, no motivation, no real inner peace and joy just all of the internal chaotic bullshit noise that that is either screaming and plotting for the next drinking occasion or beating myself up for the last one. Just plain ridiculous!
You are not alone. The exhaustion is the real killer for me too, short deep sleep then hours of tossing and turning in a kind of twilight sleep where I am half way between sleep and awake. I am resolute today that I will not drink again I am not hungover or worse than normal I just feel like I have to stop the insanity. I hope you find some peace of mind soon but I think so many of us relate to the sneaking stuff behind other people back. Most of the time I think they know what is going on but are powerless to intervene. Good luck whatever you decide. I will check in again to see if you have posted again.
ReplyDeleteGroundhog Girl - lol - that could totally be my name as well. I also want to stop for good bc I feel so lousy. They key is keeping that desire once I feel better
DeleteDittos to everything that Groundhog Girl said. You are not alone! Just don't stop trying!
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you!
Thanks!
DeleteJust keep trying. That sounds so tiring, and I remember just how hard it was loving like that myself.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I have huge respect for heavy drinkers. They cope with a lot and manage. But it is hard.
Hugs
Anne
Thanks, Anne. If nothing else, I am still trying :)
ReplyDelete