Saturday, May 16, 2015
Sunny Day/Family Drama
It is a beautiful, sunny day here today after weeks of rain. We went out tin dinner last night with the whole family (parents, sister and their families). Everyone had drinks (it was 2 for one) and I am so glad I didn't drink last night for may reasons.
#1 Because I said I wouldn't
#2 Because I woke up this morning feeling better than last weekend
#3 Because we had some drama :(. One person in my family thinks that they can say whatever they want, whenever they want and to whoever they want. He says everything in the disguise and joking around but it is quite mean. He is also very loud and domineering. Most people just ignore him and are really too afraid to say anything back. He also has this way of putting certain people in his "inner circle". Even if you know he isn't saying nice things, you don't care if you are in the "circle". It is all so stupid and high school and I can believe a bunch of 40 and 50 year olds are acting this way, but we are. I was even in his "circle" for awhile until he started bad mouthing my husband. I called him on it and he stopped. Well, last night, my husband had had enough of it and said something to him. Now we have all this drama and both him and my sister say that my dh was out of line and that it was all harmless and in good fun.
I don't think making fun or people or putting them down is ever harmless.
If I would have been drinking last night, I KNOW I would have not remained calm through all of that. I would have been having a full on anxiety attack and been right in the middle of it which would have undoubtedly made things worse.
I have been guilty, in the past month even, of drinking too much and then talking behind one sister's back to the other. I have done it to both of them and I feel really bad about it. Remember last winter when we went on a ski trip with them and I didn't drink? I was shocked at some of the mean stuff that comes out of people's mouths. I have seen that in myself that last couple of months. I have noticed that when I drink I am becoming more agitated, critical, loud and negative than I ever used to. I used to be the fun, no drama, party girl. I have turned into the finger wagging, fist pounding, yelling person (bitch!). I do not like that side of myself.
All I can do is be the best person I can be to all of the people in my life. I am going to read The Four Agreements again and maybe study some Buddhism about peace and love. Any suggestions?
I do not for 100% fact that I cannot become that person when I drink - even moderately on the weekends. Even when I drink moderately, I lose that sense of calm and peace inside of myself - maybe because even when successfully moderating I am still mentally obsessing.