Great insight

I am part of a group called mmabsers and I rely on the support I get from them.  Here are some of the brilliant gems of advice/input I recently rcceived when I asked the question about additction:

Kary - But I hung on to the myth of what drinking brought to my life. I dreamed of being one of those people that could enjoy alcohol without letting it ruin my life but I'd spent twenty years chasing that dream and my failure to achieve it was throwing a heavy cloak of failure over the rest of my life.

Lulu - Every day just make the decision that for THAT DAY you won't drink. Much less daunting than "never again" but accomplishes the same goal. :)

Patti - Drinking really does not hold a lot of rewards.It is a misperception. 

Em - I have had to remind myself that, as Kary said, it’s that myth, that habitual thinking of drinking as a reward, a way to celebrate, etc. when the reality is that it has wrecked our happiness and created anxiety and misery far more times than it has ‘helped’ us to feel good. 

Mike - So the answer to your "why" is quite simple .  We have crossed that line to mental obsession and it can only be rid of through owning that fact and wanting better, which is sobriety (abstinence which is joyful and free).  However this does not happen as an immediate gratification as does the with alcohol.  It requires a longer and enduring effort for this long and enduring peace.  

My interpretation - The happiness drinking brings is all short lived and not even really that true.  It is all just bullshit that I am convinced I need to be happy.  I have to accept that I can no longer drink like I once did. That I have crossed that line to physical dependence (maybe) and mental obsession (for sure) and I can't EVER go back to that way it was.  It is impossible to return to my former drinking self.  And that as much as it sucks (which the thought of that makes me so sad), I won't EVER be like normal drinkers no matter how hard I try.  And that the longer I try, the worse I get and run the risk of truly bad things happening (becoming seriously physically dependent). And that I need to stop obsessing about the long term and just focus on today.  This just seems all so humbling.  When I am moderating well I feel so good (smug) about that, and when I am absing successfully I feel a tiny bit smug about that...but in reality I think I am just a loser trying to pretend to be a winner.  I will never truly be a winner until I change my mindset and give it up for good MENTALLY. I don't think I can ever give it up physically until I give it up mentally.