Sunday, May 6, 2012

Falling back into same patterns

Thank you to all of you that had some constructive comments for me last weekend.  When I hear things like  "it's a slippery slope, sister, you know what your instincts are telling you, and they will be the best guide to do the right thing for you."   "we can't ever TRULY enjoy it again because of how low it has brought us in the past."  You're making excuses to drink"  "Oh yes, I know those friends, they're relieved that you're showing signs of weakness because now they don't have to look too closely at their own drinking."  and my favorite - "If this were a nature show you'd be that wildebeest who has wandered from the safety of the herd...then the camera man switches to a scene of lionesses walking along in the tall grass....." Thank you to all of you and your wise words.  I seem to always be "mulling" something over in my head and these comments are what I have been focussing on this week.

Friday night - fail - had one glass of wine with a neighbor - ya I know - I said no wine this weekend, but she offered and it looked good.  I didn't take her offer for a second glass (I know that sounds like justifying the first by not taking the second).  Then went to play cards with my neighbor friends and had three more beers.  That's 4!  That is not OK.  Saturday I woke up a little tired.  I kept telling myself I did not have a hangover, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a little blurry and down in the dumps.  I still did everything  needed to do just didn't feel 100%.

Saturday - 3 beers - still too many - and more than that, I just feel myself falling back into old patterns - looking forward to the weekend so I can drink, making plans that I know will include drinking, getting that 3rd or even 4th without a whole lot of thought, not feeling 100% in the morning, telling myself I was going to take a break last night and then not,  I am so confused.  I wanted this so badly - to just be able to have one once in a while, and in just a few weeks I feel myself returning to where I was.  I am not there yet but each weekend I have a little more rather that the 1 or 2 once a weekend like I had wanted to do.  I am not ready to give up yet, but I am sure noticing a pattern.  I feel  a little like I am starting to slide down that slippery slope but am holding onto a branch for dear life to keep it from happening.....or I am that mama wildebeest who is eating grass not realizing the lion sneaking up.  Now I have seen the lion and can't figure out what to do - stand and fight, run as fast as I can, or just keep eating grass pretending not to see it!

I do know one thing - I need to take a break from alcohol next weekend. There I go again - having to make promises to myself - aghhhhh!!!!!

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