Monday, April 30, 2012

Weekend Report - AKA Wine is not my friend!

Friday - I was perfectly content at home on the couch drinking nothing.  Dh called from the neighbor's house, asking me to come over, that the other wives had shown up.  I had said no soooo many times lately, that I drug myself off the couch and went to be social.  I really didn't want to and I really didn't want to drink, just didn't want every one to think I was a bitch.  Had 2 beers. No biggy but probably should have only had 1.  Why the second?

Saturday - Went out to Mexican food and had one beer with dinner.  It was nice but probably not necessary. Nothing else.

Sunday - Had my first family dinner at my house since December when I had told everyone I was quitting.  Both sisters questioned me when they saw I was drinking but I talked to them and they are supportive.  I had a really good time.  It was nice to have a glass of wine with everyone and no one felt uncomfortable drinking. I did not get drunk, I did not go over moderate limits, and I do not have a hangover ..... however, I did drink wine and I feel really "weird" for lack of a better term about it today.  I am trying to really look at why I feel a little anxious this morning.  Is it because I drank wine and that was breaking a promise to myself? Is it because I felt a little self-conscious about walking around with a wine glass after my break down last December?  Is it because both of my kids gave me "the look" when they saw the glass?  Is it because although I was not drunk, I also was not fully present?  Is it because it reminded me of when I was struggling?  Is it because it is not my true path and deep inside I knew?

I don't know.  I do know that I will not be drinking wine anymore unless it is one glass with a dinner at a restaurant.  I said that before and although  I did not drink too much wine last night, just walking around with it did not feel "right".  I don't know if I would have felt that same way with a beer or not, but I know I feel that way with wine.


  1. k,
    I'm going to say something even though I hate saying it but I think you need to hear it and I hope it will piss you off enough that I won't have to say, "I told you so." later.

    Here it goes,

    You're making excuses to drink i.e. you don't want your friends to think you're a bitch. You know, you can go over to the neighbor's house and not drink. You drank three days in a row. Your drinking is progressing. I see a big slip up in your future if you don't start getting real with yourself.

    Okay, I said it, now it's up to you to prove me wrong.

  2. I see what you are saying. I really appreciate that you said it without telling me I am an idiot. I also appreciate you honesty and caring enough to say anything. I think you are right about making excuses and it doesn't feel "right". I just don't feel "right" inside my soul today. It isn't even about a is more about living my life with integrity and honesty....

  3. I was all about plans and excuses and reasons to drink for so many years. I love the clean and simple and honest feeling of just being able to keep it "real" now.

    it's a slippery slope, sister (try saying that five times fast haha!)

    Take care,


  4. It's because you know how easily one leads to the second, then the third, and so on. You know how it could have been a lot worse, how it could have escalated to a full on relapse, how you could have ended up in the same place as before. I think you wanted to compromise with yourself, to get out of the 'all or nothing' mentality, when that is probably the best place because you made a promise to yourself for the latter. Maybe you were simply testing yourself to see how firm your boundaries were. Either way you know what your instincts are telling you, and they will be the best guide to do the right thing for you.

    1. Couldn't have said it better myself!

    2. I have been thinking about what you said...maybe it really is a sense of dread that I could be headed right back where I was. Thanks for replying!

  5. K, I am glad to see nothing awful has happened yet but that's just it -- the "yet." I truly believe you didn't feel right because with a lot of us problem drinkers at a certain point the jig is up with drinking -- we can't ever TRULY enjoy it again because of how low it has brought us in the past. Your body -- your mind -- remembers that last AWFUL hangover and does not like being reminded of it or even that you are flirting with going back there again.

    I know that if I were to have even just one glass of wine, I'd feel like you -- alcohol doesn't agree with me any more and it's not enough for me anymore to just "not get drunk." The jig is up -- alcohol isn't for me anymore.

    I hope this is what you decide too, only because I truly DO think you'll be happier for it! Not to mention so much safer. Take care... and keep us posted. Your words are very helpful for those of us who are living this.

    1. I have really been thinking about your comment...about how it maybe isn't just about not having a hangover any more. I was sober for 88 days and maybe I just like that better. Thanks for taking the time to reply!